An Attempt at Being Topical #1

I was just reading the newspaper and I discovered an article about the home secretary Jacqui Smith detailing how 60,000 civilian force will combat terrorism in the UK. Who are these 60,000 people? Security guards at shopping centres and hotel staff! What a fucking relief!

Now I’m not one to bash a failing government, but this idea is shit! Anti-Terrorism training for those people that walk around shopping centres, when did chavs start suicide bombing? When did Nike Air Max trainers come equipped with C4 in the souls? And what’s to say terrorists will attack shopping centres? Airports, the Underground, World Trade Towers … Yes! Shopping Centres … No!

What pleasure would terrorists getting from blowing up a bunch of empty Woolworths and Zavvis? None. There’s no point in attempting to blow up the shops anymore, give them a few more weeks and half of the stores will be closed due to the credit crunch.

I’m interested to know what the ‘Anti-Terrorism training’ consists of, because it’s my guess if the major part of your job is turfing chavs out a mall or placing chocolates on pillows you’re not the brightest wick on a C4 waistcoat three seconds before it explodes. You’ve had some major educational problems at some point in your life. My opinion is the training consists of this sentence; “Watch out for brown people with beards!”

And in the unlikely situation that a crazy terrorist does decide to blow up a shopping centre or hotel how on Earth are these people going to stop them? Will security and hotel staff start packing heat? That didn’t help the London police when they shot the wrong guy in the face! Although I love the thought of a bunch of hotel staff kicking down a hotel door, running into the room (where terrorists are plotting an evil plan), drawing their guns and yelling: “Room service, motherfuckers!!”

Common Misconceptions Women have about Men

OK, ladies this one’s for you. I’m not professional when it comes to the opposite sex, but my years on this Earth have taught me a few things and I’m going to share them with you now. This maybe the most heartfelt thing I’ve ever written, so bare with me.

Being bi-sexual is cool
This is one the drives me crazy, when females claim to be bi-sexual when they’re not and even if you are, please don’t tell your boyfriend. Yes, a select few males may think this could possibly lead to a threesome somewhere down the line, but this is not the case with most men. It makes them quite paranoid, in a relationship it’s not good on a man’s ego if there’s a possibility that his girlfriend can eat out girls better than he can. There’s the added paranoia that if you are a bi-sexual girl, you may leave your boyfriend for a woman, which will lead to humiliation and never ending torment for you boyfriend. Seriously, claiming to be bi-sexual puts so much pressure on a relationship; it’s just not worth mentioning (if it’s true).

You have to be thin
This is not the case. Girls that are too skinny are fucking vile (sorry girls). No man wants to feel like he’s fucking a xylophone. A little puppy fat is more than fine ladies. Plus if you’re always on a diet, how can your man take you out for a nice meal? While he’s chomping down on a steak, you’re sat adjacent nibbling on crackers or bread; that’s just not right. Plus if you spend all your time in the gym ... with the beautiful people, he may get jealous plus if you’re at the gym who’s going to do the washing, the cleaning and the cooking?

The balls need attention
OK, this is probably the greatest tip for in the bedroom; leave the balls alone, please. Sex is not a tennis match; you don’t even have to pay attention to the balls. There’s a perfectly good dick right next to them, concentrate on that. Just let the balls do what they do best. Don’t play with them! Don’t tickle them! Don’t suck them! LEAVE THE BALLS ALONE!

You need our input on what you wear
This is a fucking set-up and I’m on to you ladies, so fuck off with this shit. There’s two ways this shit can work out:
1) Girl: “What shall I wear?”
Boy: “Whatever you want, my darling.”
Girl: “You never give a fuck about what I wear, you fucking cunt!”

2) Girl: “What shall I wear?”
Boy picks out any dress, Boy: “What about this?”
Girl: “No! You fucking know that’s not my colour! Do you want me to look stupid? You twat!”

It’s a lose/lose situation. Wear what YOU want. Remember Women’s Rights? You’ve got the right to wear whatever you want.

You need our input on your hair
Much like the last one. Another lose/lose situation. Up? Down? What-fucking-ever! You could shave it all off for all I care.

Scarface Syndrome

This is an appeal. Now I usually don’t use my powers for good, but I’m turning over a new cannabis leaf. There’s lots of problems in the world; war, famine, AIDs, cancer, Jade Goody (although by the time you read this she may no longer be a problem). But there is one problem that the media shy away from. It’s a problem that many people shy away from. But don’t feel guilty, because it’s not your fault. This problem (which you may have guessed from the title) is Scarface Syndrome!

What is Scarface Syndrome?
Scarface Syndrome is condition found in a certain type of person. It attacks many, although most of them are usually male, but it does not discriminate; white, black, tall, small, fat or thin. It forms when a person begins to sell illegal drugs. This person then actually believes they are a drug lord, when in fact all they are is a petty weed dealer. It usually takes form after a person has sold some weed to a couple of people, once they make a profit they think they’re cool, the cycle repeats until a point in which the person gets a little big headed and acts as a go-between. A go-between is someone that often buys drugs from a dealer then sells them on to you. By this I mean, the go-between buys 5 pills, and then sells them to you. They don’t actually deal the drug, in reality, because they don’t stock it, but in their minds they think of themselves as Class A dealers, then the ego inflates a lot more.

What are the Symptoms?

· Loud Mouth
People suffering from Scarface Syndrome often like to brag and boast to anyone that will (or won’t) listen to them about how they sell drugs or are able to get you drugs.

· Undeserved Ego
This is how the syndrome gets it’s name, basically people think they are Tony Montana (from the popular 1983 film Scarface). When in actual fact they’re more like Hannah Montana (from the shit Disney TV Show by the same name).

· Constant Letdowns
Although suffers claim to be able to get you (the drug addict) whatever drug you desire, they often let you down because they’re not the drug lord’s they think they are, they’re simply go-betweens – and not very good ones at that.

How will my donation help prevent this terrible condition?
Firstly we will set up a clinic for suffers of Scarface Syndrome and kit it out with all the necessary shit that it will need; plasma TV, PS3s, Xbox 360s, Sky TV, some MACs, some PCs, the fast internet connection, Porn, Lap dancers and so on. This is bound to cure anyone suffering from Scarface Syndrome. Secondly, we would sent up a Drug Dealers Alliance, which would monitor drug dealers and give them the Official DDA stamp of approval, so all the weed smoking, pill popping, coke snorting junkies out there now that they are not dealing with a sufferer of Scarface Syndrome. We need to stamp out drug sales that involve people with Scarface Syndrome, until they have been cured by out clinic.

So thank you for reading, please make a donation today. And remember, you’re not a drug lord until you have your face in a mountain of coke!