On My Soapbox; Air-Strikes in Syria

Look, I want nothing more than the end of humanity [we've ruined this world; slowly depleting it's natural resources, halted it's natural growth, extinct specious', murdered each other because of conflicting ideologies/religions/creed/nationality and loads of other shit], but I always pictured some sort of Zombie apocalypse or a meteor hitting the globe to thin out the crowd instead of another World War... but I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

So people, it's time to hug the ones you love, sit down, plunge your face into your lap and kiss your ass goodbye... which obviously you can't do! Because if a human could kiss their own buttocks that would mean, technically speaking; a man could suck his own cock - and if that was the case; they wouldn't rule the world and we probably wouldn't be in this situation. I say 'probably' because, ya'know; Thatcher!

But the world belongs to chauvinist pigs and one of those chauvinist pig fuckers is David Cameron. I love Cameron, he's like the typical bloke next door... if you grew up in a fucking mansion! Oh yeah, not 'love', I meant 'loath', I'm always get those two mixed up... ask my loathly girlfriend.

Anyway, good old Davey Boy has gone full British Bulldog [let's hope he dies before his time, hey, left-leaning old school WWF fans that catch that reference] and ordered air-strikes on Syria.

Look, if you're expecting me to explain the cluster-fuck of the situation in Syria [and that's the technical term by the way], I can't do it. It's a cluster-fuck. I thought I had a decent grasp on the situation until I watched a video on the BBC News website explaining it and was left more baffled after. Basically, a lot of nations dislike Assad and want to see him leave [USA], but some do like him [Russia], at the moment he's fighting a civil war against rebels, one of those rebel groups is ISIS, but nobody likes them. [Fucking told you I couldn't explain it well!]

And now we're throwing our metaphorical car keys into the bowl at this swinger's orgy. Hooray!

Now, I could be seen as a 'terrorist sympathiser' to David Cameron; the 'warmongering death merchant', but I'm not that gung ho about dropping bombs on Middle-Eastern countries. I know I smoke a plentiful amount of marijuana and drink so heavily that each day is Groundhog Day for my liver... but even in my drug addled mind I have some recollection of the UK getting involved in wars like this before... that weren't particularly easy or successful.

This is because wars like this aren't what they were back in the day. Remember the good old days, when you knew who we were fighting... anyone goose-stepping with a German accent... those were the days!

Nowadays we're fighting religious cults, which is what ISIS are. It's usually a term used for backwards ass Southern American that are 'drinking the Kool Aid', but I think it's the perfect description for these guys. A bunch of religious nuts that have concentrated on certain parts of a religious text that in their eyes gives them immunity to do whatever they want in the name of their God. And they're not constricted by boarders. They're everywhere. With a media campaign so well organised that if they ever catch the guy behind it; he'll be granted immunity if he takes a job at Coke or Apple's advertising department.

This is not something you can simply bomb into oblivion. This is an ideology that enlists impression people and basically brainwashes them into thinking through death they'll reach a higher being. An ideology can't be stopped with violence, if anything that only makes it more powerful. This is a new age, I new type of warfare, we need a fucking new approach.

Let's face facts. Air-strikes are going to kill innocent people. These are normal individuals already in the midst of a civil war. Yet they still live on, I'm a fucking coward, I'd have killed myself a long time ago if I was in their shoes... my only big decision would be if I'd kill Fiona too or just let her feast on my corpse.

And for those who reached a point that it got too much and they left becoming refugees, fleeing to Europe, many dying on the journey, come up against xenophobic hatred because narrow-minded fucks see them as the very same people they're trying to escape. Which leads to bullshit like this;

… popping up in my Facebook feed.

In my eyes, if you're trekked a large part of the globe to another country to avoid persecution, you know what, you fucking deserve a house, much more deserving than a person that simply fell out a vagina on this island that can't be arsed to work. The UK has always opened it's doors to people from other cultures and for the most part they thrive here. Years back it was the Indians, then the Polish, now it's Syrians. I'm from a council estate, so I know full-well the biggest drain on the benefits system is home-grown scum, claiming for bullshit medical reasons and doing cash-in-hand-jobs on the side. I know this because they're friends of friends, and I'm always willing to have extra tokes on their joints and more cans of their beer ['honest man's tax reparation!']. I'm willing to bet the same fuckers that were bashing the Indians all those years ago, probably sit down to a nice curry once a week, and go to the Polish shop because they stock Lays crisps and cheap foreign fags on the sly. So fuck it, let the Syrians in, can't wait to try their cuisine... although judging the lives they've had it's probably scraps and shrapnel.

But as the image states “Why are we housing the bastards trying to kill us?”, well we're not are we. Is every Muslim a terrorist, of course not. Just because your dear old gran has been going to Church every Sunday for decades that doesn't automatically link her to David Koresh, does it? So shut the fuck up.

“But Ben, we're letting in 20,000 refugees by 2020, some of those could be terrorists!”

Yeah, it's a possibility.

“David Cameron said there's already been at least seven attempted terrorist attacks in the UK this year that have been foiled.”

Yeah, he did say that.

So what about this;

Maybe instead of spending a fucking shit ton of money dropping expensive bombs on people, we put that money into properly vetting the refugees that are entering the country and seek out the bad apples. While also giving funds to our counter-terrorism groups, because by the sounds of it they're doing a fucking great job. A big personal kudos to you guys. Keep up the good work, you're the unsung heroes for sure. People get behind the RAF, wishing them good look for basically flying a plane [terrestrial pilots do it drunk, it can't be that hard, there's not much traffic] and pushing a button to drop a bomb [pushing buttons is easy, even a moron like me can do it sssuuuccccccesssssfulllllly].

Our interaction in Syria, without a doubt will increase the terrorists attacks in the UK and although our counter-terror groups are doing a sterling job, you can't always be 100% at work, shit, I'm fucking awesome at my job but even I smash a plate or six on a bad day* [I'm a kitchen porter, by the way and not at a Greek restaurant]. And when that happens innocents will die. Just like in Paris. Because we're not dealing with a bunch of idiotic nut-jobs, we're dealing with a cult that's masterminded a plan. They know assassinating key political figures is almost impossible, so it's civilians that die, we will be paying the cost for our leaders' actions.

But that's just to the start of the plan, xenophobic fears will get amped up in the media, many Muslim will feel persecuted by the societies they've spent their lives in. They'll be verbally and physically abused. Most will shrug it off, knowing that they're dealing with unintelligent cunts, but there's a chance all this abuse could push other individuals over the edge and radicalise them. Truth be told if I was a Muslim and I caught backlash from the attacks in Paris, I'd probably feel disenfranchised from my community and seek revenge, but I'm a spiteful bastard that holds a grudge. And ISIS wants civil unrest, it helps alienated individuals join their cause. And the thing is we need Muslims now more than ever. They could be the key in de-radicalising those that have had their mind warped by ISIS propaganda, they could be the ones that reinforce the humility that the Quran teaches. So how about we lay off them and instead embrace them more? I'm an atheist, there's plenty of evidence that points towards Hitler being the same, yet I don't kill Jews or believe in any of his ideologies. No matter what religion you are, there's always some flag waver causing atrocities in the name of your God[s], it doesn't mean everyone that follows the same God[s] believes the same.

I've rambled for far too long on this subject, so here's the wrap up; Assad is a cunt that needs to be overthrown, he kills his own people with military enforcement, that's not how political leaders do thing these days, instead they kill their own by cutting tax benefits and sending the lower classes to wars they have no business in, like us Western societies. ISIS are cunts, and I don't even want to call them ISIS because that feeds into their hands as that's what they want; they want to be referred to as the 'Islamic State' and all of those that oppose them have fallen right into their hands, so they're already winning. Cameron is a cunt for agreeing to air-strikes in Syria that will kill innocent people and therefore probably turn the Syrians we're trying to help against us, that in turn feeds right into the hands of ISIS.

But don't worry, because at the end of the day you're more than likely safe against a terrorist attack. Evidence shows they usually happen in capital or big cities, so the large majority of us are safe [I wish all the cool people I met in London on my last visit all the best].

Before I go, I just want to say; I think a country should only bomb another country if over 50% of it's inhabits can find that country on a map... and if they can't maybe you should educate them to the point in which they can... but I suppose if you did they probably wouldn't want to bomb them in the first place.

As to how we resolve this threat, I don't know. This is a new age of warfare, a new enemy [kinda like al-Qaeda, remember when we quashed them and the remnants turned up in ISIS?]. There is no victory in violence against a cult willing to die for the cause. If our government really wanted to protect us in this time of austerity they'd do more for the poor, more British people will die this year due to low income and a critically underfunded NHS than attacks by ISIS, but that's not important because some brown people have weapons in the Middle-East and we need to kill them. Should we look into where they get their weapons and funds from? No, we'll ignore that and simply let that continue, because dropping bombs is easier than ruffling a couple of feathers of rich, powerful individuals! It is a capitalist world after all, it's OK for ISIS to have what seems like an endless supply of money from mysterious benefactors because if we dig a little deeper it could upset political procedures.

What happened in Paris was a fucking travesty. There's no doubt about it. But the Western World has been fighting Islamic fundamentalists for quite some time and there seems no end and everything seems to worsen. We need new tactics... and I'm not an idiot, they may not work, but we should go back to the drawing board and try again and again until we figure it out. If violence was an acceptable answer 85% of us would kick the shit out of our boss[es], co-workers, friends and family everytime they they pissed us off. But we don't because we're civilised... or so I've been lead to believe. 

*I'm over exaggerating for comical effect, if I broke six plates I'd be fired, they collectively cost more that my wage for a week.

How to Interact in Society

Now, I’m a notoriously antisocial son of a bitch [no offence to my mother], but luckily in the limited amount of time I’ve spent on this doomed rock we call Earth, I’ve adapted the basics of social interaction. Most of this comes from the rare times my mum was able to tear herself away from the bottle long enough to point of valuable advice [yes offence to my mother]; while others I’ve kind of collected along the way like my surprising wide compilation of sexually transmitted infections. Anyway, although I’m not a people person, every once in a while I like to divulge what I’ve learnt onto lesser beings also inhabiting this doomed rock [that’s YOU, reader], in an attempt at making my rare social interactions slightly more pleasant and leave me less likely to jab my house keys into the jugulars of people. So I’ve compiled a simple list of hints and tips for interacting in society. Read them. Practice them. Don’t get key jabbed in the jugular.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses…

At what point did it become not just acceptable, but the norm to simply start talking to people? I’m no great conversationalist, I’ve mentioned a few times I have two topics of discussion [best ways to drown kittens and overly long descriptions including; size, weight, colour and smell of my defecation], but that’s not the kind of talking I’m talking about, I’m talking about the talking in which a talker just starts talking to you [know what I’m talking about yet?] without an opener. That sentence that grabs your attention, so you know someone is talking to you and you can concentrate on what they are saying, so you can respond. Sentences like; “Excuse me,”, “I beg your pardon”, I’d even settle for an “Oi, mate”.

These need to be used. Without them I’m too busy daydreaming; “All in one sack with a brick… or individual sacks with a brick each?” and I’ll simply suspect that any jabbering on in the background has nothing to do with me.

I think this is all to do with people’s unjustified self belief that all the attention is primarily aimed at them constantly. They skip through life thinking that the rest of us are hanging on their every word, so they have no need for openers for conversations, in their minds we should be grateful they are even speaking to us. I hate those egotistical pricks… who do they think they are? Ben Broughton?

Taking your hygiene personally…
 
Now we all have a bit of a hum about us from time to time. I, myself, often avoid the shower a few days at a time, like a lucky Jew in a concentration camp circa 1934 [but not 1935, poor bastard]. But I like to think I never leave the house stenching like some individuals.

You’ve all smelt them. It’s the odorous mix of must, sweat and urine. I don’t know at one point a person starts to carry an aroma worse than public toilets in the slums of Mumbai without noticing. Clearly these people have relationship issues, because if there’s nobody in your life that loves you enough to point out the scent you’re giving off is causing dogs two blocks away to vomit their guts out of their eye sockets, you must be a lonely individual.

This obviously doesn’t just extend to personal relationships either. Clearly you don’t have any workmates or they would have pointed it out much sooner. Who wants to turn up to work and breathe through their garments constantly for eight fucking hours?

So here’s the thing; wash your clothes, wash your hair, wash you face, wash your body, learn the correct toilet process. Then you can re-enter society.

Be Polite…

I know it seems a little odd coming from someone like me to say this, but politeness is a must have. I tend to think I act politely in public; I hold open doors, I mind my Ps & Qs and don’t flick cigarette nubs into passing prams.

Just treat people as you expect to be treated, if you talk to me like I’m a piece of dog shit don’t be surprised when I treat you like a piece of dog shit and step all over you with new trainers on.

And if you’re having a bad day don’t bring your fucking negativity around other people, just piss off home and cry in a corner like normal folk.

Coining Ways to Save the Flipping World

The world is over populated. Just peer out your window and look at them all, there’s millions, bloody clogging up everything; the street, the pub, the shops, the prisons, the schools, the hospitals … basically everywhere you will find them; people! Bloody people, with their skin, beliefs, careers, families and lives! I've never been a fan of people. Yeah, there's a handful of them that I wouldn't slaughter if push came to shove, but for the most part you have to admit that they are quite shit. I've spent the majority of my existence adopting inanimate objects as my close friends and it's served me well. Inanimate objects don't complain about their jobs or their relationships and the majority of them serve an actual purpose unlike 75% of the human race.

But what can we do? It's not as if we can just start rounding up people and killing them, is it?

Morally, legally and humanitarianly [I made that word up – I think; it's not in my Dictionary and the OpenOffice doesn't recognise it] the answer is most definitely; NO! But if we push our morals, laws and humanitarian beliefs to the side the answer becomes; YES.

Firstly, let's simply picture the world; natural resources are running low, there's some kind of recession happening, our fellow man is starving to death and Lady Gaga is topping the charts. It's not a pretty picture to say the least, the world is looking like a Picasso painting, if instead of paintbrushes he used a double-barrel shotgun to blast squirrels onto the canvas. Is this the kind of world you want for your children? Or your children's children? Or your grandchildren? Or your children's children's children? Or your great-grandchildren? [The word children has lost all meaning to me now, I've used it so many times, it no longer looks like a real word] Well is that what you want? If the answer is 'Yes', you have failed at being human. Nobody in their right mind would want such horrors to continue on for the proceeding generations. It is time we stood up now and made a change for the better, by doing something selfless for those to come after us, so that we will go down in history as the people who saved the world by murdering half of the population of the world.

OK, I understand that this idea is not going to be popular straight away. Somewhere down the line I intend of incorporating an iPhone application into it so it will become more popular then celebrity endorsements in order to garter more support. But as it stands currently, this idea is extremely unpopular, as far the school kids of ideas go, this one is the guy in the classroom that stinks of hamster turds and chews table legs. I understand that.

I also know it's not a new idea and has been used before, often referred to as 'genocide' or 'ethnic cleansing'. But my idea does differ from these. I'm not going to lie, to begin with I was in deep thought about how the people that were going to make the ultimate sacrifice should be chosen, but in the end I realised that by simply picking out people I would be no better than Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin or George Bush!

So after sleepless nights trying to figure out how this would all happen, I eventually came to the conclusion that we would decide who lived and died by the simple flip of a coin. Tails; your tail is safe, Heads; your head is coming off. Simple as that.

Of course this is not going to be forced on people, because if people are as good as people are always telling me, they'd have no problem killing themselves in an attempt to aid the future of mankind. Would they?

I've come to terms with my existence. I know fully well that I serve no real purpose, outside of creating this very idea, that will go towards saving the planet and it's inhabitants, but saving the world is a minor thing in my eyes, I not even add it to my C.V. I'll step up and flip the coin when my time is up and if it's Heads, I'll happily take one for the team, 'one' being death, the 'team' being humanity.

Imagine a world half as populated; everyone would be housed, fed and clothed. That 'Carbon Footprint' would drop drastically as there would be half as much traffic – no more traffic jams for those that choose to drive. Natural resources would be around for a longer time period. All this can be achieved by simply wiping out half of the population of the world. It seems like a small sacrifice for a huge gain. Like I've already said, it's not going to be popular and right now you're undoubtedly thinking I'm some kind of sick fuckwit for even coming up with the idea, but eventually it'll sink in and you'll be somewhere soon, more than likely Christmas shopping in some shopping centre and it will dawn on you, that if half the people there were wiped out the whole experience would be less stressful. Eventually you see it my way. Most people do in the end.

Mephedrone is for Pussies

Yeah I said it, it’s for pussies!

If you are unsure what mephedrone is, it’s a new drug, it comes in a white powder like coke, it is snorted like coke and it’s shit … like coke [yeah, I said that too]. Mephedrone or ‘Homeless Man’s Coke’ [because it’s not even a Poor Man’s drug] as I like to refer to it as, is currently becoming popular amongst fucking idiots. Many readers will know that I’m quite the advocate for drugs but when it comes to mephedrone I couldn’t give a shit. I know a handful of people have died from taking the drug [along with other drugs, although newspaper’s don’t like pointing that out], I couldn’t give a shit.

Apparently Mephedrone is the 4th most popular illegal drug in the UK, what a pity when there are so many better drugs out there.

Just let me point out that I have made this decision on my own, I have not been influenced by a media campaign against the drug. I couldn’t give a fuck what some scare-mongering journalists think about the substance.

The thing is I’ve tried mephedrone and thought it was shit, yeah it got me a little chatty but that’s about it. Luckily for me there’s already a drug out there that gets me chatty; alcohol, and I don’t have to hide in toilet cubical, knee deep in piss to ‘take’ alcohol. In fact I can drink alcohol in a pub with my friends while being stood in no piss whatsoever.

I thought that mephedrone was so popular because it was legal, when it was made illegal I thought; ‘I suppose people will go back to taking real drugs now’. But they didn’t. They continued to take this cocaine wannabe. But I suppose mephedrone is just the new ketamine (remember how popular that was about two years ago?). In about two years, there’ll be something new to shovel up your nose, so don’t let your septum fall out too quickly.

So why is it for pussies?
Look at the facts, it’s known as ‘MCat’ or ‘Meow Meow’, they are some pussy names for a drug that’s [helped] lead to the deaths of some people. Now it’s illegal, users must deal with real drug dealers instead of buying it as a ‘plant food’ from online, and yet although they’re dealing with drug dealers they don’t buy some real drugs; pills, MDMA or coke. MCat is for indecisive drug users. MCat is like a bicycle with stabilisers. I mean, it’s usually fatal when mixed with other drugs because it can’t do the damage on its own. When legal it was marketed as plant food, quite ironic as now it is used by weeds and vegetables, too scared to do some real drugs. Pussies!

*** If you are an MCat user and you have been affected by anything mentioned above I would like to offer out an apology to your mother for raising a cunt. Get a life or get a real drug habit, you pussy! ***

Banned Together Against TurBanneds

I’ve started to notice a couple of people posting this shitty “News” story about England shirts being banned from pubs on Facebook, and comments following about “turbans should be banned”.

The following message was taken from on of many people’s status updates;

POLICE ARE GOING AROUND PUBS AND CLUBS SAYING THAT WE CANT WEAR OUR ENGLAND TOPS 4 THE FOOTIE & GOTTA TAKE THE FLAGS DOWN AS IT IS UPSETTING THE PEOPLE THAT DONT COME FROM HERE !!NOW IM NOT RACIST , BUT THIS IS TAKING THE FUCKING PISS! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY AND WE NEED 2 MAKE A STAND IF YOU / THEY DONT LIKE IT GO AWAY! WOULD YOU REMOVE UR TURBAN & BURKHA BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME, IF YOU AGREE POST THIS AS YOUR STATUS

Of course this story didn’t just crop up from anywhere, it based around a news article that featured in The Sun, although it took a right-wing, Nationalism, Nick Griffin turn by the time the story made it’s way to Facebook.

From the article featured in The Sun;
---------------
Killjoy cops have urged landlords to bar anyone wearing a Three Lions top.

They want to avoid a repeat of violence which has marred previous events, particularly if England lose.

But one patriotic fan said yesterday: "We often hear of a loss of pride in Britain, now cops want to ban the England shirt.

"It's like saying anyone who wears one is a yob."

The advice comes in a letter from the Metropolitan Police to pubs in Croydon, South London.
Among World Cup guidance, it suggests "dress code restrictions - eg no football shirts".

It also urges using plastic glasses and door staff.

Pubs are not obliged to follow the advice, but it warns: "Police will not hesitate to use powers under the Licensing Act should we find you are not actively supporting the prevention of crime."
Other forces could follow, but licensees' spokesman Bill Sharp said: "The World Cup should be a chance for people to enjoy the football in the pub." The Met said: "These are suggestions to make pubs safer."

------------------

Dissection of this article;

“Pubs are not obliged to follow the advice”
It’s not a fucking law. Police can’t stop you from wearing a football shirt. You’re a fucking idiot if you thought this was possible. This is not yet a police state in which law stop people from wearing football shirts. It’s just that football shirts are often linked to violence. I’m willing to bet plenty of shopping centres are advised against letting in youths wearing hoodies, but nobody attempts to start a right-wing Facebook group on their behalf.

“It also urges using plastic glasses and door staff.”
Clearly this is advice to stop violence occurring in the pub, I can’t understand how at some point this simple advice has turned into people blaming the Islamic community or other minorities.

Dissection of the Facebook post:

POLICE ARE GOING AROUND PUBS AND CLUBS SAYING THAT WE CANT WEAR OUR ENGLAND TOPS 4 THE FOOTIE & GOTTA TAKE THE FLAGS DOWN AS IT IS UPSETTING THE PEOPLE THAT DONT COME FROM HERE !!NOW IM NOT RACIST , BUT THIS IS TAKING THE FUCKING PISS! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY AND WE NEED 2 MAKE A STAND IF YOU / THEY DONT LIKE IT GO AWAY! WOULD YOU REMOVE UR TURBAN & BURKHA BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME, IF YOU AGREE POST THIS AS YOUR STATUS

The first thing I notice about this is that the grammar is terrible, now I often make mistakes when typing, but I’m one person, it’s hard to pick up on your own mistakes when reading over what you’ve written. Although people have been copying and pasting this over and over again, yet nobody took the time to make the correct amendments;

“THE PEOPLE THAT DONT COME FROM HERE !!NOW IM NOT RACIST , BUT THIS”

Should be written;

“THE PEOPLE THAT DON’T COME FROM HERE! NOW I’M NOT RACIST, BUT THIS”

There’s plenty more mistakes, but you’re probably clever enough to spot them.

Let me just point out that; THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MUSLIMS, like the above post has been leading people to think. If we all just take a minute to look over it we may be able to figure that out using a little thing called logic.

“POLICE ARE GOING AROUND PUBS AND CLUBS SAYING THAT WE CANT WEAR OUR ENGLAND TOPS 4 THE FOOTIE & GOTTA TAKE THE FLAGS DOWN AS IT IS UPSETTING THE PEOPLE THAT DONT COME FROM HERE !!”

If we stick with the theme of the post we get the feeling that Police are we can’t wear football shirts in pubs because they offend Muslims. Of course we already know that Police are only advising against the wearing of shirts from the article. Yet the thing that seems most perplexing is the fact that Muslims want them removing because they are offensive, of course when we use that ‘logical thinking’, we come to the point in which we ask; “Why? Why would Muslims be offended by this when they are barely ever in clubs and pubs, after all it’s against their religion to drink alcohol.”

NOW IM NOT RACIST , BUT THIS IS TAKING THE FUCKING PISS! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY AND WE NEED 2 MAKE A STAND IF YOU / THEY DONT LIKE IT GO AWAY!

The immortal words; “Now I’m not racist”, always drawn out as a precursor to something racist. Of course as I’ve already argued there are no people being massively offended by what happens in a pub, apart from the police, worried about violence between England fans. “This is our country,” if you’re not being racist why do you label England our (as in the white population) country, it’s no more yours than theirs.

WOULD YOU REMOVE UR TURBAN & BURKHA BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME,

Now, I’m not a massive fan of religion, it does cause problems, yet at the same time it does plenty of good. And all the major religions are old and stooped in tradition, so the thought of comparing a football shirt with a piece of religious artefact is preposterous. Religion is often a study of the way to live your life, football is a bunch of overpaid individuals kicking a ball around. There is a massive difference.

I also struggle to see how an England shirt can cause offence. If people are offended by something that represents England, they must spend their days going slowly insane, seeing things that represent Britishness; Fish & Chip shops, rugby shirts, cups of Tea, red telephone boxes, red letter boxes, bulldogs, pregnant teenage girls … These things are inescapable.
So to some up; this advice to ban football shirts from pubs is all to do with that favourite British past-time; hooliganism.

The fact is people drown out in there masses to pubs, get pissed out their faces and when England eventually lose they start smashing shit up and acting like a complete cunt. Nothing to do with Muslims what-so-ever, they’re simply being used as a scapegoat again and people still fall for it.

For Fawkes Sake!

It’s that time of the year in which we embrace an American holiday; Halloween, but we also celebrate that fact that some northerner wasn’t able to blow up Parliament in 1605. I am of course talking about Bonfire Night.

Now, I don’t know how many other countries celebrate failed assassination attempts but I’m guessing there aren’t many, which puts our certain kind of celebration in a class of its own.

The thing is at the end of the day all Bonfire Night is a gathering of people watching shit burn. We commemorate Parliament not being blown up by burning shit we don’t want for one night a year. Then stare at the bonfire like we’re some-type of unintelligible caveman staring at a plasma TV. “Woooo, look at the burny, burny!” We then stare into the sky to watch pretty lights, which always seem to be a let down. If I leave after watching some fireworks and I’m neither slightly deaf nor slightly blind, I’m not satisfied. I also love the way most adults try to say that the fireworks are for the children, when most kids are scared of them and would be more than happy with a sparkler. The fireworks are really for adults, just a nice little distraction for a couple of minutes to take your mind off your shitty lives.

At this time of the year it’s easy to see the difference between us and our American cousins, while they dress up scary costumes and go door to door asking for ‘treats’, we gather together for a tradition deep-rooted into our history. At the end of their night they get home to find a bag full of ‘candy’ and maybe a couple of dollars in their pocket and we end up stinking of smoke, covered in mud, occasionally drenched and often coming down with the first symptoms of a cold or flu.

To me it seems as if this British tradition has run its course. In this day and age in which most of the population hates the government and wouldn’t think twice about walking in Guy Fawkes shoes and attempting a Gun Powder Plot, maybe we shouldn’t commemorate a failed assassination attempt by standing around watching a big fire. When chavs stand around a stolen Corsa as it goes up in the flames that’s illegal, but it’s fine for members of the public to stand around a huge fire once a year. When tramps stand around a burning bin under some bridge they’re still smelly tramps and we point and laugh at them, then go on to stand around a bigger fire, you need to step back and wonder, are you any better than a bunch of chavs or tramps?

So what I propose for next year, is instead of the archaic tradition we should band together and attempt; Gun Powder Plot 2010; Mission Probable! No longer will we celebrate Guy Fawkes getting caught, instead we shall finish what he started.

I'll Catch Swine Flu, When Swine Flies

Swine Flu, yes I know, I’m sick of it too, but I couldn’t think of any other subject to talk about. This is more than likely the most threatening outbreak to attack our country when compared to Bird Flu, SARS and all those others seeing as people are actually dying from Swine Flu. Yet still, it’s not that bad. It’s not like the plague.

What we have to realise now is that those that are going to die from Swine Flu are people with weak immune systems, the old and the young. So it’s not as if I’m going to be majorly affected by it all, which is a good thing for me, I suppose, or though I was looking forward to having a week or two off of work.

One good thing about Swine Flu is that it may get us out of our current economic crisis. It’s likely that if a few more people kick the bucket from Swine Flu, some jobs are going to open up, so there will be less unemployed, plus some already unemployed people might get Swine Flu, once they die there will be less unemployed. Swine Flu is going to whittle down the population to a point of which we all have jobs leading to a new economic boom.

One thing about Swine Flu, I don’t quite understand is that the tabloids are calling it Pig Flu, as if their readers aren’t clever enough to understand what Swine is. If you don’t know what Swine is, you deserve Swine Flu... excuse me; Pig Flu.

As the country is in a constant paranoid state about anyone close to them that have the sniffles, I’m advising that everyone stay in doors, for your own safety. This in no way is my attempt to make people stay in doors so I can wonder freely wherever I want without bumping into people (who I don’t hate at all). I’m only thinking about you! So if you’re really that worried about Swine Flu stay inside, for your own good.

Why I Hate ... Primark

By now you may have figured that I’m not the most cheerful of people, and I have plenty of hate in my heart for many things; emos and Starbucks being the first that come to mind, but I’m constantly finding more and more things (and people) that irk me. Today I’m letting my issues with Primark be shared on an unsuspecting audience.

Now I don’t deem myself to be fashion conscientious at all, but I don’t shop at Primark for a number of reasons. Firstly, I don’t like my (new bought) clothes still stinking of the sweat of a blind Indian orphan forced to stitch them. Secondly, I like my clothes to last at least a week before they start falling apart. Lastly, I don’t want to go out and bump into at least five guys wearing the exact same outfit. It’s embarrassing for all involved.

The thing is, people believe that Primark is cheap, which it is to a certain degree. But I’m able to find (better quality and better looking) clothes at almost the same price (as Primark) in other stores. But still the public flock to Primark like mindless drones or the zombies in Dawn of the Dead that flock to the Mall, because even in their vegetated state they are used to being materialistic. It’s come to the point that everyone seems to be dressing the same. Primark is like a mother that dresses all her children in the same setup because she thinks they look cute, but it’s not cute it’s disturbing and wrong.

Another point is it always seems to be busy. Do people that shop at Primark actually have jobs? I understand that me saying this includes me in with the people I’m about to slate, but I’m a student, I get a free pass to venture into the city centre whenever I deem fit. Back to the point; it’s always busy. Don’t people have better things to do? Just because something is cheap, you don’t have to buy it. “Wow these shoes are £2! They don’t fit me or match anything I already own, but they’re £2!! I must buy them before someone else does! Even though they’re accompanied by 300 pairs of the exact same shoes on the exact same shelf!”

But if you like Primark, don’t listen to me. It’s clear that a lack of; price, ethical trading laws and originality are what’s important to you.

Milk, Two Sugars and a Lifetime of Addictions

Welcome back loyal followers. Firstly I’d like to apologise for the lack of Blogging in 2009. This is due to many reasons, the main one being my alcoholism; over the last few weeks if I haven’t been drinking I’ve been sleeping, so there hasn’t been much time to Blog. But do not panic, because I have returned. Recently, between my trips to and from the bar I have been contemplating what I should next discuss on my Blog and not too long ago I had a revelation about the amount of addiction in England and why it comes about, so here it is;

As we all know this once great country England has a major problem with addiction. There’s no point denying it, we all know it’s true. Our population is addicted to tobacco, alcohol, cannabis (yes, it’s not physically addictive but we all know it’s mentally addictive), coke, smack and all that other good stuff. But where does this addiction come from? Why do we seem predisposed to having at least one of these addictions? Well don’t fear because I have come to the conclusion. And many of my English brethren will not be happy with the explanation, because I’m placing the blame on one of countries most loved drinks; tea!

I am an avid tea drinker, which is one of the main reasons I’m taking aim at what I once called “the main cornerstone of British society” and also “the reason that Britain is Great”. I have met many non-English people in my time and none of them seem to understand the love us Brits have for tea. I try to explain it, but I’m unable to, usually I just go for the old; “get out of my country if you don’t like tea” argument.

I know what you’re thinking; “Tea isn’t addictive”. But you are wrong. I understand it’s unlikely that anyone has ever been out sucking dick or selling their body for a handful of PG Tips, but it’s still addictive. It’s just an acceptable and overlooked addiction. The thing about tea is the addiction starts as soon as you wake up, I’m sure most of you reading this start the day with a nice cup of tea to get you ready for the day, you may think it’s just the way to start the day but the fact is, you NEED that cup of tea, you just don’t know it, until now.

I have often raised this question to my friends; “If you had to go the rest of your life without one of these things; weed, pills, beer or tea, which would it be?” More often than not people say tea, but then I tell them to really think about it and then they with tract their first answer and reconsider.

Unlike other addictive substances, everyone that’s addicted to tea instantly becomes a dealer of tea. This doesn’t happen with any other drug on such a large scale. How often have you been at someone’s house and they offer you a cup of tea? Compared to the amount of times they’ve offered you a joint or a line of coke or a hit on their crackpipe.

The point I’m attempting to make is that tea becomes an addiction for us and it stays with us for our entire life. Drinking tea makes you susceptible to other addictions later in life. I’m a perfect example and so are most of my friends. In no way am I telling people to stop drinking tea, I’d never do that. I just want people to realise that making a brew is not much different than cooking up.

All About the Down-and-Outs

I remember once that I was in Derby city centre, I was sat on a bench smoking a cigarette on my own. Then I witnessed a homeless man delving into a bin. He pulled out a pizza box, inside it were two stale slices of ham and pineapple pizza. This sickened me to no end. This instance shows the problem with society, I’m not talking about the homeless man having to eat stale food from a bin, I am of course talking about pineapples being on pizzas, it’s just not right people!

I would like to use this blog to talk about homeless people or the seamen stain on the pants of society, as I like to think of them. I’m sure being homeless is hard, I once locked myself out my house for a couple of hours and it was not fun so I think I fully understand what it is like to be homeless. Of course one problem with homeless people is they are everywhere. It seems like I can’t walk from point A to point B without coming across one. The second problem is they always want money, not just do they want money, but they want MY money. Sometimes, I do actually feel ‘compassion’ for these shop doorway dwellers (these moments of compassion are usually when I’m intoxicated or drug induced) and I do give them some money. But why is it as soon as you give them a penny then transform into an auctioneer; “Do you have 20p, I’ve got 20p I’m looking for 50p, 50p? Anyone? 50p? I’ve got 50p, I’m now looking for £1, any takers? You at the back … £1?” and so on. I think it is about time that these beggars cut the bullshit too. I’m tired of hearing; “Can you lend me 10p for a phone call?” Who are these people calling? I’m willing to bet that homeless people don’t know many people with phones. Homeless people befriend other homeless people, much like people with homes befriend other people with homes. Homeless people don’t have phones; I’m willing to bet 100% of homeless are also phoneless. Plus you can tell these haven’t actually made a phone call for years seeing as the minimum amount of money you can now put in a public phone is much more than 10p. We know what you really want the money for; drugs! Heroin, crack or crystal-meth! We’re not stupid. I’d be more willing to hand over my money to a beggar if they just told me straight; “Dude, I need a fix, any chance you can help me out?” I can actually connect with people on this level, I’m a drug addict, you’re a drug addict, and I understand what you are going through. I can completely understand that homeless people need drugs. When you’re hobbies are sleeping rough, retrieving food from bins and stinking of your own piss, drugs are the only thing you have to cheer you up. In fact, if you are homeless (which you’re probably not seeing as you have internet access – but this is hypothetical) and you aren’t depended on some type of substance you need to re-evaluate your life. Things aren’t going too well, maybe drugs are the answer. It’s not like drugs are going to make life much worse.

I would now like to take aim on a certain type of homeless person. The homeless people that have dogs. What the fuck are they thinking? They can barely feed themselves but still they have a pet. I fail to see the point of this. Is the dog for protection? I highly doubt it seeing as all the homeless dogs I see look as if they have severe cases of HIV. These dogs can hardly stand never mind defend their soiled masters. Is it for more pity? This nation is admittedly an animal loving nation and the introduction of a poor dog is likely to pull on the heartstrings of any true Brit. Maybe homeless people think that having a pet will increase their ‘profit’, but I like to think that the only thing that changes is they receive more tins of dog food. That they inevitably have to eat themselves, leaving the dogs starving. Or maybe I’m wrong; maybe homeless people make a steady income breeding dogs for Korean restaurants. Although this argument seems floored seeing as I don’t see many Korean restaurants around. It truly is a mystery to me and will remain that way, seeing as every time I ask a homeless person about the matter they get extremely aggravated. Sure, you can look down on them, not give them money but heaven forbid you inquire about their dog; it’s like asking a woman how much she weighs.

An other thing I’ve noticed about the ‘property impaired’ is the amount of racism there seems to be within their world. How come I never see any homeless Asian people? Talk about segregation! I thought that people with nothing would be more sympathetic to others, but no. Apparently Asians aren’t allowed to be homeless. This is despicable, so remember that next time you give some money to a tramp, you’re supporting racism!


On a more serious note, while we are on the subject of homeless people I'd like this chance to promote my good friend's Blog; Bart Brodzki's Photoblog It features some brilliant images of homeless people and other images too. Of course it's a great Blog seeing as I only surround myself with greatness.

Boycotting Xmas

I have come to a decision this year that I am boycotting Christmas. Now there are many reasons behind me deciding on this matter. But let me first defend myself! Why do I have to defend myself? Well, avid reader, I have come under attack from the few people I hold dearest to me; my family and friends. I know this last sentence contradicts what you thought about me, but the fact is I do actually know who my family are and I do have friends. I know this comes as a shock to many, who, for some reason, think I’m so kind of antisocial orphan, left to fend for himself with no education or social skills. But I do have a (limited) education. But I’m getting off point here. Anyway, my family and friends don’t support me in my one man mission to boycott Christmas. “But why do they oppose you, Great One?” is what you are thinking. And the answer is; because they won’t be receiving gifts this year. As it turns out both my family and friends are extremely materialistic. That fact came as a shock to me. How could I have possibly got to this point in my life, being as great as I am, when all this time I have amerced myself with such people? Anyway I’m sure these people will realise their mistakes and welcome me back into their circles soon enough.

I will now explain why I am boycotting Christmas. I’ve come to notice that Christmas; the celebration of Jesus being born, is no longer a Christian holiday. Face it; Christmas is celebrated by Christians, atheists, agnostics and even Jews, Muslims, Sikhs and Buddhists. So Christmas is no longer a Christian holiday, instead it’s a Capitalist holiday. I’m willing to bet you will see more ‘Santa’s’ this year than ‘Baby Jesus’’. It is big companies that truly profit off the Christmas season. So instead of finding myself in debt from buying expensive gifts that I can’t really afford I’m not going to do anything.

I do like the idea of a day in which family and friends show how much they love each other. But personally, I think materialism is not the best way to show it. It is about time we banded together and come up with a new way to show our love for each other. Some type of way that doesn’t leave us in debt.

There are many pros of boycotting Christmas, in my opinion. This year I don’t have to spend my time in busy shops trying to find gifts for people, only getting stressed out trying to think of what people will like and fighting with other customers over products. This will leave me more time to do more important things like study or actually spend time with my loved ones. I not have to spend time wrapping gifts with paper that is only going to get thrown in the bin. Think about it, wrapping paper is possibly the most idiotic product to buy ever; it’s destined for the bin. You may as well take the money you are going to spend on wrapping paper and put it straight in the bin, cut out the middle man (wrapping paper). If I’m not buying people gifts, they aren’t buying any for me, so I not have to pretend that I like a gift when I don’t. I’m a terrible actor and no matter how hard a try to muster up an “I love it”, it’s clear that I don’t love it, which only makes the buyer miserable, which I hate.

So, that’s my argument for boycotting Christmas. No matter how you view the holiday, either Christian or Capitalist it has lost it tradition and has turned into the worst time of the year. Robberies and suicides always go up at this time of the year, and I’m sure the myth of Jesus wouldn’t support this. So join me and boycott Christmas.

My Beef with Social Networks

MySpace

When I’m really bored I go on MySpace to look at foolish fucks and how they live their pathetic lives. Lonely bastards talking to fake friends, get a fucking life. I will now single-handily dismantle the main groups that annoy me on MySpace.

Emcees/Rappers/Hip Hop Crews/Producers

How many more shitty emcees are going to try and add me to MySpace? Fuck off you untalented bastards. When did unoriginality become acceptable? What crossed your minds, you fucking waste of space? You’re fucking shit, stop sitting around all day making predictable beats and writing recycled rhymes that we’ve heard a million times before. If you’re so fucking ‘Street’ get off the internet you little cunt, go out on the street, live what you claim. Go out and get stabbed! One less cunt. Or go out and stab some other shitty emcee, fuck it, come and stab me, death would be a sweet release from the world occupied by people like you. Or how about learning a trade? Because you’re spending all your fucking time locked in your mother’s basement trying to make it big, you could be out getting a job, you fucking tool. And what is it with these fucking producers? Trying to sell something they made in five minutes on Fruity Loops for over £100! Get fucking real you pricks. The best music in the world is made because it needs to be made, not because you need the latest pair of Nike Air Max. Make music because you love it, not to make money. If you really want to get somewhere in the music business you have to give shit out for free first, build a buzz the right way or go and fucking hang yourself. And stop posting pictures of plastic girls holding up a piece of paper with your name on, you may think its good that a slightly decent looking sket thinks you’re good, but what do girls really know about Hip Hop? Not fucking much in my experience.

Emos

Next is all the fucking emos on MySpace. The thing about emos is they claim that no-one understands how they feel, shut the fuck up please. PLEASE! Fuck you and your problems, nobody has an easy life, everyone has troubles, there’s nothing different about the shit that happens to you. You’re life is not original in anyway, shape or form. And also please stop using mass produced music to put forward how you feel, you see its mass produced because everyone else feels the same, you dumb fuck. Go kill yourself, I mean you keep telling everyone you’re going to do it, so go ahead. Stop getting my hopes up for no reason.

Plastic Girls

Next up is the fucking plastic girls, uploading half naked photos of themselves. You sad little girls. You’re begging for attention. If MySpace was a nightclub, you’d be in the corner with a sign around your neck that read; “Free Blow Jobs”. I don’t know what it is that makes you so needy, did Daddy touch you? Maybe it is has something to do with the fact you’re really ugly. Photoshop can work wonders! Look, if you’re lucky you’ll end up in some dodgy basement somewhere making cheap porno films, but you need to make money somehow to feed you three bastard children and your crack habit, that stuff isn’t cheap. But it’ll all be fine because in your mind you’ll still be a star. So what you have to swallow cum to put food on the table, who cares?

Facebook

Now when Facebook first came around it was great, much better than MySpace. It was a place for friends. But eventually it became over-saturated with people wanting to be my friend. Now I have no problem with adding people that are my friends but what is with these fucking losers that I used to go to school with? We’re not friends you fuck. We weren’t at school, we’re not now. I hope you die when you push out your next bastard child, or I hope you catch AIDs when you fuck you 15 year old female cousin. You’re all from Sutton, you’re all shit, go and shoot up and OD, please. And what is with all those fucking applications? Fuck off with that shit, it’s fucking annoying! Every single time I log on someone I hate is trying to make me join their group. “Join my group ‘Help Save the Planet!!!1’ please.” No motherfucker, how is my joining your group going to save the planet? Please explain that to me. And what is it with all these idiots I went to school with? Stop posting pictures of your ugly, disfigured bastard children. Nobody cares about the flock of fatherless little shits you keep pushing out. One last thing, if you keep ‘poking’ me, I’m going to come to your house and poke you in the throat with an AIDs infected syringe.

Bebo

Now when it comes to Bebo I’m not too up to date with it, because I’m not actually a member for one major reason. That reason is when I pick up the newspaper and read about the latest teenager getting stabbed to death, there’s always a picture of the victim that has been taken from their Bebo page. From this fact I have concluded that you are more likely to get stabbed to death if you’re on Bebo. That is why I avoid this social network website. I’m also been lead to believe that most of the members of Bebo are young teens, and I have nothing in common with the youth of today; happy slapping, self harming, getting each other pregnant… Not really my scene.