On My Soapbox; Air-Strikes in Syria

Look, I want nothing more than the end of humanity [we've ruined this world; slowly depleting it's natural resources, halted it's natural growth, extinct specious', murdered each other because of conflicting ideologies/religions/creed/nationality and loads of other shit], but I always pictured some sort of Zombie apocalypse or a meteor hitting the globe to thin out the crowd instead of another World War... but I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

So people, it's time to hug the ones you love, sit down, plunge your face into your lap and kiss your ass goodbye... which obviously you can't do! Because if a human could kiss their own buttocks that would mean, technically speaking; a man could suck his own cock - and if that was the case; they wouldn't rule the world and we probably wouldn't be in this situation. I say 'probably' because, ya'know; Thatcher!

But the world belongs to chauvinist pigs and one of those chauvinist pig fuckers is David Cameron. I love Cameron, he's like the typical bloke next door... if you grew up in a fucking mansion! Oh yeah, not 'love', I meant 'loath', I'm always get those two mixed up... ask my loathly girlfriend.

Anyway, good old Davey Boy has gone full British Bulldog [let's hope he dies before his time, hey, left-leaning old school WWF fans that catch that reference] and ordered air-strikes on Syria.

Look, if you're expecting me to explain the cluster-fuck of the situation in Syria [and that's the technical term by the way], I can't do it. It's a cluster-fuck. I thought I had a decent grasp on the situation until I watched a video on the BBC News website explaining it and was left more baffled after. Basically, a lot of nations dislike Assad and want to see him leave [USA], but some do like him [Russia], at the moment he's fighting a civil war against rebels, one of those rebel groups is ISIS, but nobody likes them. [Fucking told you I couldn't explain it well!]

And now we're throwing our metaphorical car keys into the bowl at this swinger's orgy. Hooray!

Now, I could be seen as a 'terrorist sympathiser' to David Cameron; the 'warmongering death merchant', but I'm not that gung ho about dropping bombs on Middle-Eastern countries. I know I smoke a plentiful amount of marijuana and drink so heavily that each day is Groundhog Day for my liver... but even in my drug addled mind I have some recollection of the UK getting involved in wars like this before... that weren't particularly easy or successful.

This is because wars like this aren't what they were back in the day. Remember the good old days, when you knew who we were fighting... anyone goose-stepping with a German accent... those were the days!

Nowadays we're fighting religious cults, which is what ISIS are. It's usually a term used for backwards ass Southern American that are 'drinking the Kool Aid', but I think it's the perfect description for these guys. A bunch of religious nuts that have concentrated on certain parts of a religious text that in their eyes gives them immunity to do whatever they want in the name of their God. And they're not constricted by boarders. They're everywhere. With a media campaign so well organised that if they ever catch the guy behind it; he'll be granted immunity if he takes a job at Coke or Apple's advertising department.

This is not something you can simply bomb into oblivion. This is an ideology that enlists impression people and basically brainwashes them into thinking through death they'll reach a higher being. An ideology can't be stopped with violence, if anything that only makes it more powerful. This is a new age, I new type of warfare, we need a fucking new approach.

Let's face facts. Air-strikes are going to kill innocent people. These are normal individuals already in the midst of a civil war. Yet they still live on, I'm a fucking coward, I'd have killed myself a long time ago if I was in their shoes... my only big decision would be if I'd kill Fiona too or just let her feast on my corpse.

And for those who reached a point that it got too much and they left becoming refugees, fleeing to Europe, many dying on the journey, come up against xenophobic hatred because narrow-minded fucks see them as the very same people they're trying to escape. Which leads to bullshit like this;

… popping up in my Facebook feed.

In my eyes, if you're trekked a large part of the globe to another country to avoid persecution, you know what, you fucking deserve a house, much more deserving than a person that simply fell out a vagina on this island that can't be arsed to work. The UK has always opened it's doors to people from other cultures and for the most part they thrive here. Years back it was the Indians, then the Polish, now it's Syrians. I'm from a council estate, so I know full-well the biggest drain on the benefits system is home-grown scum, claiming for bullshit medical reasons and doing cash-in-hand-jobs on the side. I know this because they're friends of friends, and I'm always willing to have extra tokes on their joints and more cans of their beer ['honest man's tax reparation!']. I'm willing to bet the same fuckers that were bashing the Indians all those years ago, probably sit down to a nice curry once a week, and go to the Polish shop because they stock Lays crisps and cheap foreign fags on the sly. So fuck it, let the Syrians in, can't wait to try their cuisine... although judging the lives they've had it's probably scraps and shrapnel.

But as the image states “Why are we housing the bastards trying to kill us?”, well we're not are we. Is every Muslim a terrorist, of course not. Just because your dear old gran has been going to Church every Sunday for decades that doesn't automatically link her to David Koresh, does it? So shut the fuck up.

“But Ben, we're letting in 20,000 refugees by 2020, some of those could be terrorists!”

Yeah, it's a possibility.

“David Cameron said there's already been at least seven attempted terrorist attacks in the UK this year that have been foiled.”

Yeah, he did say that.

So what about this;

Maybe instead of spending a fucking shit ton of money dropping expensive bombs on people, we put that money into properly vetting the refugees that are entering the country and seek out the bad apples. While also giving funds to our counter-terrorism groups, because by the sounds of it they're doing a fucking great job. A big personal kudos to you guys. Keep up the good work, you're the unsung heroes for sure. People get behind the RAF, wishing them good look for basically flying a plane [terrestrial pilots do it drunk, it can't be that hard, there's not much traffic] and pushing a button to drop a bomb [pushing buttons is easy, even a moron like me can do it sssuuuccccccesssssfulllllly].

Our interaction in Syria, without a doubt will increase the terrorists attacks in the UK and although our counter-terror groups are doing a sterling job, you can't always be 100% at work, shit, I'm fucking awesome at my job but even I smash a plate or six on a bad day* [I'm a kitchen porter, by the way and not at a Greek restaurant]. And when that happens innocents will die. Just like in Paris. Because we're not dealing with a bunch of idiotic nut-jobs, we're dealing with a cult that's masterminded a plan. They know assassinating key political figures is almost impossible, so it's civilians that die, we will be paying the cost for our leaders' actions.

But that's just to the start of the plan, xenophobic fears will get amped up in the media, many Muslim will feel persecuted by the societies they've spent their lives in. They'll be verbally and physically abused. Most will shrug it off, knowing that they're dealing with unintelligent cunts, but there's a chance all this abuse could push other individuals over the edge and radicalise them. Truth be told if I was a Muslim and I caught backlash from the attacks in Paris, I'd probably feel disenfranchised from my community and seek revenge, but I'm a spiteful bastard that holds a grudge. And ISIS wants civil unrest, it helps alienated individuals join their cause. And the thing is we need Muslims now more than ever. They could be the key in de-radicalising those that have had their mind warped by ISIS propaganda, they could be the ones that reinforce the humility that the Quran teaches. So how about we lay off them and instead embrace them more? I'm an atheist, there's plenty of evidence that points towards Hitler being the same, yet I don't kill Jews or believe in any of his ideologies. No matter what religion you are, there's always some flag waver causing atrocities in the name of your God[s], it doesn't mean everyone that follows the same God[s] believes the same.

I've rambled for far too long on this subject, so here's the wrap up; Assad is a cunt that needs to be overthrown, he kills his own people with military enforcement, that's not how political leaders do thing these days, instead they kill their own by cutting tax benefits and sending the lower classes to wars they have no business in, like us Western societies. ISIS are cunts, and I don't even want to call them ISIS because that feeds into their hands as that's what they want; they want to be referred to as the 'Islamic State' and all of those that oppose them have fallen right into their hands, so they're already winning. Cameron is a cunt for agreeing to air-strikes in Syria that will kill innocent people and therefore probably turn the Syrians we're trying to help against us, that in turn feeds right into the hands of ISIS.

But don't worry, because at the end of the day you're more than likely safe against a terrorist attack. Evidence shows they usually happen in capital or big cities, so the large majority of us are safe [I wish all the cool people I met in London on my last visit all the best].

Before I go, I just want to say; I think a country should only bomb another country if over 50% of it's inhabits can find that country on a map... and if they can't maybe you should educate them to the point in which they can... but I suppose if you did they probably wouldn't want to bomb them in the first place.

As to how we resolve this threat, I don't know. This is a new age of warfare, a new enemy [kinda like al-Qaeda, remember when we quashed them and the remnants turned up in ISIS?]. There is no victory in violence against a cult willing to die for the cause. If our government really wanted to protect us in this time of austerity they'd do more for the poor, more British people will die this year due to low income and a critically underfunded NHS than attacks by ISIS, but that's not important because some brown people have weapons in the Middle-East and we need to kill them. Should we look into where they get their weapons and funds from? No, we'll ignore that and simply let that continue, because dropping bombs is easier than ruffling a couple of feathers of rich, powerful individuals! It is a capitalist world after all, it's OK for ISIS to have what seems like an endless supply of money from mysterious benefactors because if we dig a little deeper it could upset political procedures.

What happened in Paris was a fucking travesty. There's no doubt about it. But the Western World has been fighting Islamic fundamentalists for quite some time and there seems no end and everything seems to worsen. We need new tactics... and I'm not an idiot, they may not work, but we should go back to the drawing board and try again and again until we figure it out. If violence was an acceptable answer 85% of us would kick the shit out of our boss[es], co-workers, friends and family everytime they they pissed us off. But we don't because we're civilised... or so I've been lead to believe. 

*I'm over exaggerating for comical effect, if I broke six plates I'd be fired, they collectively cost more that my wage for a week.

Ben vs. God's Spokesperson #54012254

If you've been reading this tripe as long as I've been throwing it out, you'll know [if you're still yet to kill off the majority of your braincells with drink and drugs like I'm constantly suggesting] that I'm not all that favourable of religion. This isn't quite the case [I'm breaking the fourth wall here folks... if blogs have walls that is]. I put forth the militant Atheist vibe because a) it's funny to do and b) I'm fucking good at it, but in reality I'm more of an Atheist with Agnostic tendencies; I believe/know there's no deity out there, yet I really couldn't give a fuck about it. I'm passed it. You guys can squabble about it to the cows [that you may or may not worship] come home.

That being said/written, I had an encounter today on my way to work, in which I was stopped by a lady that handed me a leaflet about God. I'm used to this, it happens a lot, I think believers must see me with a large neon light above my head spelling out; “heathen”.

Yet this time was different. It wasn't a simple; “Here's a cheaply made leaflet with more spelling errors that a thousand page novel about a quantum physicist written by a dyslexic toddler”, NO! This time God's Spokesperson #54012254 wanted a chat with me and she hijacked my walk to work! Which I thought was pretty shitty, but in context it's better than Allah Spokesperson #54012254 hijacking my flight.

You see, I'm not that much different than religion fundamentalists; as I'm not going to change my stance or beliefs, no matter what. Whatever they say will wash over me like the water from John the Baptist's hands washed over Jesus' head.* If I woke up tomorrow with stigmata and God appearing at my bedside... I'd brush it off and call up work to tell them I can't come in due to an accident with my hands and I'm having fucked up hallucinations, to which they'd respond; “Put the bong down, sober up and get to work!”

Now back to the God Squad member [*penis joke censored in proofread*], seeing as I was missing out on listening to the latest episode of Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast, I thought I'd at least have some fun with this lady to keep myself amused [*rape joke censored in proofread*]. Now, I don't want to belittle anyone's religion to their face [because I have a blog for that], so I kept it decent and bit my tongue at certain points.

The following is some dialogue between us both, you're smart enough to figure out whose talking, [dialogue in square brackets is my tongue biting bits].

“Do you see yourself as a good person?”
“[If you don't count the my 'somewhat' illegal hobbies;] Yes.”
“OK, so have you ever taken something that didn't belong to you?”
“[Not counting the virginities that were wilfully offered to me;] No. [In fact, what the fuck are you talking about? Aren't you taking something right now that doesn't belong to you; MY TIME!]”
“Have you ever lied?”
“[Yes, who hasn't? C'mon you stupid bitch, you're believing in a God that doesn't exist; you're lying to yourself and yet have the nerve to ask me if I've ever lied!] Yes, I suppose I have.”

“Have you ever looked at a women and had sexual thoughts?”
“[What? That question should be; 'Do you have a dick and an imagination?', Clearly you didn't go through puberty as a boy!] Yes”
“Have you ever taken the Lord's name in vain?”
“[Erm... Jesus Christ... I've really got to think about this question... um... Oh my God, I probably have.] *Chuckle* Hell yes, I have.”

Taking my answers on board she informed me that I wouldn't get into heaven and I'd be banished to hell – it was like the shittest game show ever! Then began a debate over whether or not heaven and hell existed at all. One of us [rightly] thought it didn't, while the other [wrongly] thought it did.

I tried to bypass the fact my 'sins' wouldn't get me into Heaven by telling her I'd use my charm to sweet talk Saint Peter. She told me that wouldn't work although I am very charming ['whose having sexual thoughts now?' I thought to myself - before realising it was still me].

I was then informed that by accepting God, my 'sins' [or 'lifestyle' as I call it], would be forgiven. At this point I wanted to test the waters, as lying, blasphemy and having a dick and an imagination could be forgiven, what else could I get away with? So I proposed a hypothetical situation in which; a) I stay as myself [the lying, blaspheming, penis owner] and I die in two days time or b) I [the lying, blaspheming, penis owner] murdered someone tonight but except God into my life tomorrow, yet still die in two days time.

Which one would get into Heaven?

It turns out the due to fact the murderous Ben accepted 'The Big Guy in the Sky' into his life; he gets a 'Get Out of Hell, Free' card. While run of the mill Ben, that never murdered anyone has to perish in fire and brimstone for entirety, just because he didn't follow the herd.

After hearing this news, it quickly dawned on me that it doesn't matter how immoral, evil, sadistic, pain-inflicting you've been you can still get into Heaven if you've accepted God. So if Hitler had accepted God in that bunker before his suicide; he'd have got into Heaven [although, killing all those Jews would have given him a free-pass into Christian Heaven anyway], if Jimmy Savile was a believer, he'd be in there too trying to pin-down little cherubs and arse-fuck them! Plus all those inmates on death row over the years that find God after all the pain and suffering they've inflicted on innocent individuals and a trillion more scumbags that have done deeds that are unbearable to think about are all begging forgiveness... and due to the fact they've turned to the 'one true God' their slate is wiped clean!

… “Well, if murders can get in for free upon admitting their sins to God, I don't think I want to go to Heaven” I told the lady.

But with my points made, if you start to think a little more deeply on the matter, Heaven isn't just filled with priests, good-doers and nice guys, it's also filled with the scum of the Earth, that just so happened to cut a metaphorical deal with God before they bit the dust. On this basis, Heaven probably has more murders and rapists than hell. And whose in hell; a bunch of people that didn't believe in God. OK, cool, I'll take hell please. I'd love to have a chat with Charles Darwin, thanks. Plus the devil is a fallen angel that went against God, so he's in charge of all the non-believers? How exactly does that pan out?

Devil: “Hey, you didn't believe in that guy I have an eternal grudge with and I'm supposed to punish you for it... and for all the actions you did that he doesn't agree with... which I'm now against, as I'm the complete opposite of him... so fuck it! Let's get some illegal downloads on the go, roll a couple of joints and a burn a Bible or nine!”

[Dragging you back to the story:] God's Spokesperson #54012254 then began to get into a confusing metaphor about a parachute. I think it started out as God being the parachute and life being the skydive and having to rely on 'God/parachute' to survive. I can't confirm this because I was already thinking of my next sentence and this lady was still rambling on even though she'd lost the metaphor two minutes prior.

When she finally took a breath, I hopped on the chance to hijack her parachute metaphor with; “Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they're open [a beautiful quote from Sir James Dewar - that I once saw on Facebook]... so shouldn't me and you question whether or not Christianity is the one, true religion?“

This 'making someone question their own religion' question went down like a 'making someone question their own religion' question [sorry, there's no funny metaphor for that analogy]. She went on to quote; “Jesus stated he his the prophet of the one true God” [or words to the effect]. To which, I said; “I'm sure Mohammed would have said the same in the Quran.” Which to be fair, I'm not 100% on, but I'm just going on my knowledge of the bullshit religions churn out.

She then began to interrogate me on other religious texts, to which I have little experience outside of Buddhism [but that's not technically a 'religion' and wasn't an '-ism' until white folks turned up – that's not a diss on Buddhists, by the way]. To which I countered; “I obviously can't state that as fact, due to growing up in a [somewhat] Christian country I wasn't granted all the in depth learning of each religious texts when compared to the Bible.”

But that's simply the truth. Religion is usually deemed by your region [of the world], no wonder those words are so similar. To me, religions are just like supermarkets, it doesn't really matter which one has the best stuff on offer you just go to the one that closest or you align with the one your parents took you to.

[Dragging you back to the story, again:] I continued to walk towards my harrowing destination of work as God's Spokesperson #54012254 forced her religion on me. I'll skip ahead to the ending as all of that riveting back-n-forth dialogue quickly evolved [although she'd deny that] into benign banter.

We said how goodbyes and she committed that she hopes she sees me in Heaven, which was spooky, and sounded like some murder, suicide plan she'd hatched for me.

And that's it.

*Wait, that was a terrible metaphor as that NEVER HAPPENED!

Scient-LOL-ogy [An Idiot's Guide]

What is Scientology all about? I don't know and I can't be bothered to research it either, but from what I can gather it's a type of Religion/Cult that's all about aliens or some-type of shit like that. Despite this fact I'm still going to write a rant about it anyway because that's the kind of stubborn idiot I am.

It seems that Scientology is much bigger in America when compared to England, much like obesity and school shootings [yeah, I went for an American's are fat joke – lame, yet still funny]. There's massive interest in Scientology because a lot of Hollywood stars are involved in the the Religion/Cult. For example most of my favourite shows (past and present) feature Scientologists; That '70s Show, My Name is Earl, Malcolm in the Middle, South Park [but everyone knew that – it's safe to say around 87.6% of what I 'know' about Scientology comes from that infamous episode] and even The Simpsons! I thought the stereotype was that Jews ran Hollywood, seems there may have been a shift. But what is so appealing about Scientology? Again, I have no idea, I have yet to be invited to a Scientology party. But that's fine by me, because I get invited to loads of parties everyday and I don't really give a fuck, because I don't need a Religion/Cult to be cool – I have a Blog, with 19 followers! I am a Religion/Cult!

Maybe this is what is fuelling the interest in Scientology. The majority of the general public is infatuated with what celebrities do. Even I am to a certain degree, and while I don't give a shit about Cheryl Cole [-can't remember her actual surname] changing her hair colour, if you present me with a famous person I have a connection with I become interested. Take Will Smith for example, I've grown up with Will Smith [not out in Philly] being in my life from as early as I can remember. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air taught me how to be cool and also how to structure jokes to offend fat or short African-Americans that happen to be my uncle or my cousin. I watched Will Smith grow from a rapper to a sitcom actor to the biggest movie star in the world. And I will gladly admit that he is the one person on this Earth that is cooler than me. Yet when I read online that he is interested in Scientology I'm suddenly wondering what the big deal is. If Will Smith is on board, Scientology is going to be huge. Of course the biggest poster boy for Scientology is Tom Cruise but to be fair I've never given a shit about Tom Cruise or any of his work. I don't care if he puts in name to a movie cast, if he wants to impress me he should put his name to a suicide note – then I'd be interested.

But I wonder why so many famous people are involved with Scientology. Maybe it's just a new fad for them. I suppose you have a choice of either taking up Scientology or adopting a foreign baby if you're living that lifestyle. Maybe soon enough both these fads will die out and be replaced by something else like having a pet polar bear and always wearing roller-skates, when that day roles around all these actors will dump Scientology and get rid of their 'children', so all these unwanted orphans will be forced to live in abandoned Scientology places of worship. The high life, it's so fickle.

Scientology has come under fire from critics, with some going as fair as saying that brainwashing is involved. To be honest, brainwashing gullible Yanks is like fastening Velcro shoes [I was going to say tying your laces, but then I made it even simpler]. Criticisms come at L. Ron Hubbard; the creator of Scientology. For some reason people think because this man wrote 138 novels that mainly went along the lines of science fiction or adventure, he could have possibly just made the whole story behind Scientology up! You know that story of Xenu the Galactic Confederacy dictator that bought loads of his people to Earth over 75 million years ago... Anyway, some cynical critics believe that the science fiction writer could have made that all up!?

To be fair it seems as it is perfectly fine to throw insults at Scientology, because from the outside looking in it's absolutely ridiculous the thought that we were all planted her by some alien being. But when you step back and compare it to religions we have grown up with, religions that are well established it's no more crazy than any of them. An invisible deity that watches over our every move and every thought – we're just so desensitised to the idea we stop seeing it for what it is; fucking insane. In this respect Scientology is no different from any other religious sect, if people choose to believe in something because it fills a gap in their life, they can. Who are we to say which idiotic belief is more moronic than another? It is my personal opinion that the chance of there being an alien existence dramatically outweighs the possibility of there being an omnipotent being. I'm not saying this alien being will be intelligent, I'm just saying there must be some biological life form on another planet in our universe.

Overall, Scientology is one of the few religions that doesn't inflict wars on other religions, as far as I know they don't make it a habit of slaughtering individuals that hold alternate beliefs. If Scientology is just some type of hustle that parts gullible Hollywood stars with their stacks of dollars, it's doing no real harm to anyone.

Topic Requested by David Batchelor

In the end I did try to educate myself on some aspects of Scientology, I even came across some Wikipedia pages under the ending; 'Scientology versus the Internet' one of those pages was; 'Church of Scientology editing on Wikipedia', although when I went to view it, it was completely empty.

A Relationship with God...?

The other day, I took a little break from sitting around festering in my own filth to think about God. Now, I’ve never been a massive fan of the Christian deity, I think this is all down to the fact that all this religious stuff used to get hammered into me while I was at school, obviously when your younger it’s hard to listen to someone going on and on and on and on, about some guy that lives in the sky and watches over us. Yeah, it was kind of interesting the first time, but like with any story or anecdote it gets tiring listening to it over and over again. Through my scattered memories; jumbled up because of severe alcohol and drug abuse, I remember one school assembly in which a teacher was describing someone, going on about how great this person was. The main thing I remember being said was; “this person even knows how many hairs you have on your head” at that point my mind began to envision some type of brilliant magician, that knew everything, I was half expecting this magician to suddenly appear at the front of the hall from a cloud of smoke. My imagination was racing at the possibilities of what this brilliant magician would do to impress the awe-struck audience of little kids. But, much to my minds dismay, it wasn’t some brilliant magician, it was [as the teacher put it]; “… that person is God.” My heart sank, I just thought ‘Oh, him again!’

I’m against drilling little infants … with the ‘message of the lord’, it’s a bias towards which ever religion a certain school represents. As it’s all subject to change, if I was born somewhere else in the world it would be a different deity that I’d have been forced to learn about, such as Allah, Buddha, Vishnu or whatever the Jews call their God. So religion is basically based on region, maybe that’s why the words are so similar. I also remember when learning about God at school, there was a boy that used to get sent out of class, because his parents didn’t want him to learn about the Christian God. At the time I didn’t understand why, now I do, but back then I used to hate that motherfucker, because as the rest of us got bored to death, he was somewhere else painting or drawing or playing with Play-Do, the lucky son of a bitch. This may have subconsciously added to my distain for God in the future.

I did used to pray to God and Jesus at one point of my life. Never thanking him [God] for anything, instead I usually just asking him for things. After years of hearing about all the miracles he did, I assumed because I’d led a good life [up to that point] he’d help me with my requests. I wasn’t asking for much, it’s not as if I was a materialist child, I made simple requests; ‘Please stop mummy from drinking, Jesus’, ‘Please have daddy come home, God. He’s been out for that bottle of milk for three years’. Of course these things never came to fruition as I was going about my relationship with God all wrong. Although I’d had story after story drilled into me by teachers (whom I now expect a large majority didn’t believe what they were preaching, after all these are educated people), I never really realised that I was supposed to be obedient to the lord and thank him continuously for the life he has given me and I should rarely ask for anything as that would be selfish.

Then the other day I came to a conclusion on having a relationship with God. That conclusion is as follows; a relationship with God is like a relationship with an uptight and horrible girlfriend.

Think about it for a minute, before you dismiss such a claim. There are plenty of similarities between the two. For example, you should love your girlfriend undoubtedly, much like God. You should always have faith in both, despite your own opinions. If your girlfriend wants to dress like a dirty slag, you must show your faith, if Christians want to denounce homosexuality; you must have faith in that too, no matter if you think homosexuality is perfectly fine and natural or you think your girlfriend looks like a dirty slag. You must continue to give to both, with nothing back in return, it may be your soul or it may be a brand new pair of shoes, either way nothing is guaranteed in return. Both God and girlfriends need to be worshipped continuously, without question. They always want your money; the girlfriend wants a new dress or more new shoes because she’s scuffed the last pair, God wants your money to fix the roof of a Church so people can stay dry when they pray. You must defend both, if someone attacks your God or your girlfriend, you must come to their rescue. They both begin with the letter ‘G’; God, Girlfriend [yeah, even I’ll admit I’m clutching a straws at this point].

But the similarities are there.

Eventually, after running yourself into the ground you give up, after all the years of neglect from both, you do the right thing and end it with both of them. Because after all that shit, you realise that you’re worth more. You’re better than your girlfriend and you’re better than God. So you cut off ties with them both. You carry on with your life and act as if that horrible girlfriend never existed and as for God … he never really existed in the first place, so he’s easy to forget.

Banned Together Against TurBanneds

I’ve started to notice a couple of people posting this shitty “News” story about England shirts being banned from pubs on Facebook, and comments following about “turbans should be banned”.

The following message was taken from on of many people’s status updates;

POLICE ARE GOING AROUND PUBS AND CLUBS SAYING THAT WE CANT WEAR OUR ENGLAND TOPS 4 THE FOOTIE & GOTTA TAKE THE FLAGS DOWN AS IT IS UPSETTING THE PEOPLE THAT DONT COME FROM HERE !!NOW IM NOT RACIST , BUT THIS IS TAKING THE FUCKING PISS! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY AND WE NEED 2 MAKE A STAND IF YOU / THEY DONT LIKE IT GO AWAY! WOULD YOU REMOVE UR TURBAN & BURKHA BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME, IF YOU AGREE POST THIS AS YOUR STATUS

Of course this story didn’t just crop up from anywhere, it based around a news article that featured in The Sun, although it took a right-wing, Nationalism, Nick Griffin turn by the time the story made it’s way to Facebook.

From the article featured in The Sun;
---------------
Killjoy cops have urged landlords to bar anyone wearing a Three Lions top.

They want to avoid a repeat of violence which has marred previous events, particularly if England lose.

But one patriotic fan said yesterday: "We often hear of a loss of pride in Britain, now cops want to ban the England shirt.

"It's like saying anyone who wears one is a yob."

The advice comes in a letter from the Metropolitan Police to pubs in Croydon, South London.
Among World Cup guidance, it suggests "dress code restrictions - eg no football shirts".

It also urges using plastic glasses and door staff.

Pubs are not obliged to follow the advice, but it warns: "Police will not hesitate to use powers under the Licensing Act should we find you are not actively supporting the prevention of crime."
Other forces could follow, but licensees' spokesman Bill Sharp said: "The World Cup should be a chance for people to enjoy the football in the pub." The Met said: "These are suggestions to make pubs safer."

------------------

Dissection of this article;

“Pubs are not obliged to follow the advice”
It’s not a fucking law. Police can’t stop you from wearing a football shirt. You’re a fucking idiot if you thought this was possible. This is not yet a police state in which law stop people from wearing football shirts. It’s just that football shirts are often linked to violence. I’m willing to bet plenty of shopping centres are advised against letting in youths wearing hoodies, but nobody attempts to start a right-wing Facebook group on their behalf.

“It also urges using plastic glasses and door staff.”
Clearly this is advice to stop violence occurring in the pub, I can’t understand how at some point this simple advice has turned into people blaming the Islamic community or other minorities.

Dissection of the Facebook post:

POLICE ARE GOING AROUND PUBS AND CLUBS SAYING THAT WE CANT WEAR OUR ENGLAND TOPS 4 THE FOOTIE & GOTTA TAKE THE FLAGS DOWN AS IT IS UPSETTING THE PEOPLE THAT DONT COME FROM HERE !!NOW IM NOT RACIST , BUT THIS IS TAKING THE FUCKING PISS! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY AND WE NEED 2 MAKE A STAND IF YOU / THEY DONT LIKE IT GO AWAY! WOULD YOU REMOVE UR TURBAN & BURKHA BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME, IF YOU AGREE POST THIS AS YOUR STATUS

The first thing I notice about this is that the grammar is terrible, now I often make mistakes when typing, but I’m one person, it’s hard to pick up on your own mistakes when reading over what you’ve written. Although people have been copying and pasting this over and over again, yet nobody took the time to make the correct amendments;

“THE PEOPLE THAT DONT COME FROM HERE !!NOW IM NOT RACIST , BUT THIS”

Should be written;

“THE PEOPLE THAT DON’T COME FROM HERE! NOW I’M NOT RACIST, BUT THIS”

There’s plenty more mistakes, but you’re probably clever enough to spot them.

Let me just point out that; THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MUSLIMS, like the above post has been leading people to think. If we all just take a minute to look over it we may be able to figure that out using a little thing called logic.

“POLICE ARE GOING AROUND PUBS AND CLUBS SAYING THAT WE CANT WEAR OUR ENGLAND TOPS 4 THE FOOTIE & GOTTA TAKE THE FLAGS DOWN AS IT IS UPSETTING THE PEOPLE THAT DONT COME FROM HERE !!”

If we stick with the theme of the post we get the feeling that Police are we can’t wear football shirts in pubs because they offend Muslims. Of course we already know that Police are only advising against the wearing of shirts from the article. Yet the thing that seems most perplexing is the fact that Muslims want them removing because they are offensive, of course when we use that ‘logical thinking’, we come to the point in which we ask; “Why? Why would Muslims be offended by this when they are barely ever in clubs and pubs, after all it’s against their religion to drink alcohol.”

NOW IM NOT RACIST , BUT THIS IS TAKING THE FUCKING PISS! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY AND WE NEED 2 MAKE A STAND IF YOU / THEY DONT LIKE IT GO AWAY!

The immortal words; “Now I’m not racist”, always drawn out as a precursor to something racist. Of course as I’ve already argued there are no people being massively offended by what happens in a pub, apart from the police, worried about violence between England fans. “This is our country,” if you’re not being racist why do you label England our (as in the white population) country, it’s no more yours than theirs.

WOULD YOU REMOVE UR TURBAN & BURKHA BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME,

Now, I’m not a massive fan of religion, it does cause problems, yet at the same time it does plenty of good. And all the major religions are old and stooped in tradition, so the thought of comparing a football shirt with a piece of religious artefact is preposterous. Religion is often a study of the way to live your life, football is a bunch of overpaid individuals kicking a ball around. There is a massive difference.

I also struggle to see how an England shirt can cause offence. If people are offended by something that represents England, they must spend their days going slowly insane, seeing things that represent Britishness; Fish & Chip shops, rugby shirts, cups of Tea, red telephone boxes, red letter boxes, bulldogs, pregnant teenage girls … These things are inescapable.
So to some up; this advice to ban football shirts from pubs is all to do with that favourite British past-time; hooliganism.

The fact is people drown out in there masses to pubs, get pissed out their faces and when England eventually lose they start smashing shit up and acting like a complete cunt. Nothing to do with Muslims what-so-ever, they’re simply being used as a scapegoat again and people still fall for it.

There is no God, the proof is in Santa

The other day I came to this conclusion, that Santa Clause (a/k/a Father Christmas) is simply a form of the Christian God.

Let’s look at the “facts”. When they are depicted in films, TV or cartoons they are often seen as large white males with long white beards. This was the first thing I noticed. They are constantly watching and judging us, God decides who amongst us will get into heaven while Santa decides which children will get presents this Christmas. So we are taught to act accordingly.

They both have their ‘workers’; God has his angels, Santa has his elves. They are both running their respected fields, they are the top dogs.

As I draw on these similarities, something else struck me. The main thing that they have in common, neither of them exists! Sorry kids ... and Christians!

As I began to further this thought process I began to think that Santa Clause was created as a hint to all of us that there is no God.

Think about it for a second, they have all these things in common. The idea of Santa existing is placed in a child’s head from a young age and eventually they come to know the truth.

This is the same practice as the existence of God, yet there’s nobody to really break it to you or no real way of discovering. It’s not like you can wake up early Christmas morning to discover you’re parents listening to peoples prayers, then they break it to you; “Son, there is no God; we’ve just been pretending to be him all these years.” That can’t happen.

Santa is a manifestation of God. When you discover that Santa is not real, you also discover that God is not real. It’s a way to soften the blow, as it is easier to tell people that there is no “fat man entering your house once a year to leave gifts” than it is to tell them there is no “almighty being that created the world and us, who lives in Heaven and watches over us every second of everyday”.

Boycotting Xmas

I have come to a decision this year that I am boycotting Christmas. Now there are many reasons behind me deciding on this matter. But let me first defend myself! Why do I have to defend myself? Well, avid reader, I have come under attack from the few people I hold dearest to me; my family and friends. I know this last sentence contradicts what you thought about me, but the fact is I do actually know who my family are and I do have friends. I know this comes as a shock to many, who, for some reason, think I’m so kind of antisocial orphan, left to fend for himself with no education or social skills. But I do have a (limited) education. But I’m getting off point here. Anyway, my family and friends don’t support me in my one man mission to boycott Christmas. “But why do they oppose you, Great One?” is what you are thinking. And the answer is; because they won’t be receiving gifts this year. As it turns out both my family and friends are extremely materialistic. That fact came as a shock to me. How could I have possibly got to this point in my life, being as great as I am, when all this time I have amerced myself with such people? Anyway I’m sure these people will realise their mistakes and welcome me back into their circles soon enough.

I will now explain why I am boycotting Christmas. I’ve come to notice that Christmas; the celebration of Jesus being born, is no longer a Christian holiday. Face it; Christmas is celebrated by Christians, atheists, agnostics and even Jews, Muslims, Sikhs and Buddhists. So Christmas is no longer a Christian holiday, instead it’s a Capitalist holiday. I’m willing to bet you will see more ‘Santa’s’ this year than ‘Baby Jesus’’. It is big companies that truly profit off the Christmas season. So instead of finding myself in debt from buying expensive gifts that I can’t really afford I’m not going to do anything.

I do like the idea of a day in which family and friends show how much they love each other. But personally, I think materialism is not the best way to show it. It is about time we banded together and come up with a new way to show our love for each other. Some type of way that doesn’t leave us in debt.

There are many pros of boycotting Christmas, in my opinion. This year I don’t have to spend my time in busy shops trying to find gifts for people, only getting stressed out trying to think of what people will like and fighting with other customers over products. This will leave me more time to do more important things like study or actually spend time with my loved ones. I not have to spend time wrapping gifts with paper that is only going to get thrown in the bin. Think about it, wrapping paper is possibly the most idiotic product to buy ever; it’s destined for the bin. You may as well take the money you are going to spend on wrapping paper and put it straight in the bin, cut out the middle man (wrapping paper). If I’m not buying people gifts, they aren’t buying any for me, so I not have to pretend that I like a gift when I don’t. I’m a terrible actor and no matter how hard a try to muster up an “I love it”, it’s clear that I don’t love it, which only makes the buyer miserable, which I hate.

So, that’s my argument for boycotting Christmas. No matter how you view the holiday, either Christian or Capitalist it has lost it tradition and has turned into the worst time of the year. Robberies and suicides always go up at this time of the year, and I’m sure the myth of Jesus wouldn’t support this. So join me and boycott Christmas.

Letter to God

Dear ‘God’,
Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to log on to the greatest Blog on the internet. I understand that it must be hard to find time to read this, seeing as you’re always up to something and you’re nonexistent. I just thought I’d write to you seeing as we haven’t spoke in some years. I know we’ve lost touch; of course this isn’t your fault. I place the blame directly on my shoulders, but also some blame lies with science and Richard Dawkins (did you read his book?).

Just recently I’ve been wondering if you could possibly do some of those miracles that I heard so much about at school. The world seems to be quite fucked up at the minute and I blame you. Religious people seem to have gone crazy, is it possible that you could smite them all? If you don’t I will simply take that as a sign that you don’t exist and I will take it upon myself to rid the world of religion. Which is a big task, but I’m willing to kill a few thousand people every other Sunday … I don’t have Church to go to or anything else to do, so I may as well.

I’ve been thinking of starting my own religion. That’s the main reason I’m writing this. I wanted a few tips. I know it’s going to be hard to live up to the standards that you set, I mean I can’t make a world or humans (I’m firing blanks). Well I can’t just yet, but you never know what scientists will come up with next. Sorry, I mentioned scientists; I forgot you don’t like them much, because of their logical thinking and theories on Natural Selection! But to be fair, if you didn’t want us to figure out you didn’t exist you shouldn’t have made us so clever. Maybe if you made every human with limited thinking abilities it would be a better world. A world filled with Redneck-American types. In which we all followed our lives to a really old book, which some other Redneck-American types wrote a long time ago. But then again, that book would never have been written, because Redneck-American types can’t write, so I suppose there’s a method to your madness! You see, these are the things I’m over looking! So how should I start up my religion?

The basic idea for my religion is that there is no God, crazy I know. Well there’s no God living in Heaven, in fact there is no Heaven or Hell. The only type of deity is the one inside us all. I’m going to teach my followers that our religion doesn’t want war with people because what they believe is wrong, something you should mention to your followers. Also in my religion, there will be nothing to worship. Followers not have to go to a certain building at any point. They don’t need to do anything apart from treat each other and everyone else with respect and try to do good things. This is what religion should be like. There is no need to dedicate yourself to your belief so much. People should dedicate themselves to themselves and each other, that is how progression is truly made.

Yours sincerely, Ben Broughton