The Best 15 Cigarettes

Smoking is fun, despite the warning signs on every single of packet; smokers still puff away to their lungs content everyday. Of course there are numerous different types of cigarettes, I’m not talking brands, although there are plenty, I’m of course talking about different cigarettes. Here I have compiled a list of the best cigarettes.

1. The First Cigarette (of the Day).
The best way to start your day is with a cigarette. That is a proven scientific fact. The nicotine helps you wake and gets the brain juices flowing anti-clockwise, so you are able to function 78% better than if you woke up and didn’t smoke. FACT!

2. The Cigarette with your Tea/Coffee.
Hot drinks and cigarettes go together like dog shit and the bottom of new trainers. There’s nothing like scolding your mouth and feeding the cancerous growth in your lung at the same time.

3. The Stepping Outside Cigarette.
Upon stepping outside, you are suddenly hit with fresh air; it quickly creeps into you nostrils and mouth and begins to circulate into your system, much like a virus attacking your computer. Of course, the way to combat this is with a cigarette.

4. The Waiting for a Bus Cigarette.
If you’re waiting for a bus, it can be boring, so you need to whittle away the time by doing something exciting, like smoking. Everyone knows that smoking a cigarette will increase the speed of the bus you are waiting for and it will arrive earlier than expected. This is because all bus drivers smoke and they attempt to get to bus stops early in the chance of claiming twos of a lit cigarette.

5. The After a Meal Cigarette.
The definitive one. The one that all smokers love. After shovelling god-knows-what down your gullet you have to get rid of that disgusting taste that seems to stick around after, a mint would probably do the job, but mints are for cunts. Instead smoking a cigarette to rid your mouth of the horrid taste of food and usher in the delicious flavour of smoke is the best choice.

6. The “Hey, didn’t you just have one” Cigarette.
The classic; smoking back to back. You have one, enjoy it, put it out, and then instantly pull out another. They’re your cigarettes; you can smoke as many as you want and when you want.

7. The “Oh shit, I forgot about that” Cigarette.
You’re all out of cigarettes, the shop’s closed, and it looks like you may have to ‘nub-up’, but wait! What’s in that packet over there? In the corner of the room! You go to investigate. You find a packet of cigarettes, you open it up, and one juicy looking cigarette looks up at you, inviting you to suckle on it.

8. The Beer Cigarette.
Drinking and smoking go hand in hand, like two unashamed homosexuals walking down the street, despite the fact that God is JUDGING THEM AND THE SICK AND FUCKING TWISTED LIVES THEY LEAD. Lord, have mercy on their homosexual souls! Anyway, what could be better than one drug; alcohol? Answer: Including another drug with it; tobacco! Drinking makes smoking more fun, smoking makes drinking more fun, drinking makes women better looking.

9. The Post-Sex Cigarette.
Sex is brilliant exercise, so after I’ve had a two minute romp with some lucky girl it’s important to balance out the act of ‘love making’ (as some deluded individuals call it) with a cancer stick, as to keep the body in perfect balance of something healthy and something delicious.

10. The Waiting for Cancer Results Cigarette.
Waiting for cancer results is a little like waiting for a bus (#4 on the list); it’s boring, although it will probably have more of an effect on the rest of your life than waiting for a bus. You’ll be nervous and twitchy, panicking over what the results will be, so the best idea is to just light up, do it in the waiting room if you want.

11. The “I think I’ve just seen a Ghost” Cigarette.
Sometimes if you’re only half awake or perhaps high on a powerful hallucinogenic you may think you have seen a ghost. This can be a massive ordeal for you, so the best bet is to find your cigarettes and smoke one. Ghosts are afraid of smoke, that’s another scientific fact.

12. The Post-Murdering a Prostitute Cigarette.
It’s well known that around 70% of the British public has Jack the Rippered [murdered] a prostitute at some point in their mundane lives. Of course before disposing of the body, it’s important to take a step back and analyse the situation, congratulate yourself and have a cigarette.

13. The ‘I’m Struggling to Reach 15 Cigarettes’ Cigarette.
Sometimes you find yourself in a position were you’ve decided to comprise a list of 15 cigarettes, yet while you sit in front of your computer not able to add anymore and you come to the realisation that 15 is too many, so you have a cigarette in a pathetic attempt to be inspired by it’s smokey-goodness.

14. The Pub Lock In Cigarette
Before some fascists came and decided it was against the law to smoke in closed off, public places the whole country used to smoke in pubs and clubs, now the smoke has been removed and the stench of body odour is now pumped into these places via the air-vents. Yet sometimes you can be lucky enough to partake in a lock in, when this happens the bar staff with come to your table and place an astray down. You are now able to smoke in a pub. Fuck the Smoking Law! Power to the People … that smoke!

15. The Last Cigarette … Ever.
It’s a sad reality, but people do quit smoking for some reason. Maybe it’s because they have children or cancer. But in the end we all quit for our own reasons, death probably being the major one. But as we lay dying in a hospital bed or on the street after being hit by a bus we will remember our whole life and all the great cigarettes we smoked. Eventually we will begin to lose grip on life and slowly drift away with the thought of that last cigarette, at this point we will accept that that cigarette was the best one, out of all the hundreds of thousands we’ve smoked in our lifetime, the last one was the best, now we can die happy.