Like a large quantity of the British public I love to watch Channel 4’s cookery competition in which 4-5 members of the general public host a dinner party with the chance of winning £1000. But let’s face it, we aren’t tuning in for advice on recipes, we just want to see people from different walks of life let rip at each other with some verbal sparring. Yet, from the numerous hours of watching C4’s primetime show, I’ve developed a list that’s bound to make any novice host/hostess a likely victor in the competition.
Don’t Cook Prawns
I fucking love prawns but there’s always some moaning prick that doesn’t and no matter how you prepare them in the kitchen they’ll always get a grilling at the table; “Did you take out the shit sack [devein it]?” “Are they fresh?” “Why did you leave the head/tail on?” “Why didn’t you leave the head/tail on?” Serving up prawns is basically opening yourself up to the fucking Spanish Inquisition… quite fitting if they’re in a paella.
Don’t Have “Musical Entertainment” in the Living Room
Providing guests with entertainment is more often than not more difficult than serving up the food. A mistake I often see is a host parading out some musical entertainment in their bloody living room, don’t get me wrong on some rare occasions it works well but more often than not it fails. This is probably because a living room is not the natural environment for a musician to play and it leaves everyone uncomfortable. Who wants to be in a situation in which one wrong strum of a guitar could send a plectrum flying into the eye of a dinner guest?
Have a Decent Vegetarian Option
Normally I have no qualms in treating vegetarians like shit, in fact it’s one of my hobbies, yet when it come to Come Dine With Me you have to make a real effort as they could be your key to victory. I don’t know many vegetarian dishes besides beans on toast and cereal so I can’t offer much in advice in what to serve but veer away from grilled mushrooms with loads of shit in it, be inventive and don’t just get a Quorn microwave meal.
Don’t Be So Overconfident
Just don’t act like an arrogant cunt basically. You’ve seen them before constantly nitpicking at other contestants methods, recipes, homes, children, pets, carpet choice… All it does is turn everyone against you and make them expect absolute perfection at your night… which is never going to happen, so just keep your fucking mouth shut… apart from when you’re shovelling someone’s overcooked and soggy beef Wellington down your oesophagus.
Ply Them with Alcohol
You sometimes have contestants on, that for whatever reason don’t allow alcohol at their night. More often than not it has something to do with religious beliefs, but hey, if they’re willing to let some fictitious, esoteric guidelines of how to live your life dominate their actions they don’t deserve that £1000. Alcohol is not only vital to dinner parties, it’s vital to life. So when it comes to your night keep your guests’ glasses topped up, the more pissed they get the more fun they’ll have, the higher marks you’ll receive. NOTICE: Don’t ply yourself with alcohol on your own night, you need your wits about you, try to avoid a massive intake of booze the evening before yours too.
Don’t Use Shop-Bought Pastry
I have never made my own pastry, I have never even cooked with shop-bought pastry so this whole pastry debacle that constantly rears it’s ugly head on Come Dine With Me makes no real sense to me. Yet, I do know if you’re going to use shop-bought pastry someone will ask, then will mark you down. Pastry’s shit anyway unless it’s filled with meat from Gregg’s, just avoid it all together so you can avoid that moment where that “arrogant prick/bitch [of the week]” gets a chance to demean you in your house in front of your guest for not making your own pastry.
Practice Your Menu
Whenever some half-witted contestant turns to the camera in their own kitchen and mumbles; “I hope this goes OK, I’ve never made this before… it looks tricky but I’ll give it a go”, I unleash an ungodly amount of expletives at my television screen for so long I miss the beginning of The Simpsons. This should be a no-brainer; but practice your menu at least three times before your night, just so everything runs a bit smoother. Imagine you’re on a hospital bed, anaesthetic gradually kicking in and as you slowly drift off, the surgeon leans over you and utters; “I hope this goes OK, I’ve never performed open heart surgery before… it looks tricky but I’ll give it a go”, you won’t be filled with much confidence … or organs by the end of it.
Showing posts with label Self-Help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Help. Show all posts
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
Friday, 7 January 2011
How to Make Your Blog More Popular
Hey Blogger, are you fiending for more hits than an army of jonesing smack-heads? If so, this is your lucky day. I know there's plenty of other Bloggers out there offering you up tips, but this is the right place to come. Because I'm just like you, apart from probably being much more better looking and successful with females. But I understand that there are millions of Blogs out on the internet and sometimes it's frustrating that some shitty Blog has hundreds of Followers while you just have a measly 19... and one of them is you! So if you're trying to increase traffic to your Blog to get it noticed, you have come to the correct place.
Get Your Product of There by Any Means
Firstly you need to get the word out there to the public. There are many ways to do this, most of them illegal, but hopefully you don't care about a criminal record. Start off small, write your Blog address on bus seats with a marker pen. Once you've done that buy [or steal] so white stickers and spend a day repeatedly writing out your Blog address then go sticking them around everywhere – McDonalds Drive-Thru is an excellent place to start. Write your Blog address on pieces of paper and go into a book shop, leave the bits of paper in books that follow the same/similar subjects as your Blog. Then step up your game. If a friend passes out around you [due to drinking] tattoo their forehead with a your website – now they're you're walking, talking advert for the rest of their lives – unless they wear a hat! Vandalise a national monument by tagging your Blog's address in spray-paint. Have a child and name it after your Blog; “Ahh... my first son; www.benbroughton.blogspot.com”, that's bound to get media attention, yes your child will be tormented for the rest of his/her life, but just image all the traffic you're going to get!
After a while you may want to aim your Blog towards your target audience. For example my target audience is; Young Offenders aged 14-26. So I often get myself arrested so I can spend a night in the cell, once in the cell I inscribe the walls with my website address. My other target audience is Slutty Girls aged 14-26, so I often go down to the local abortion clinic giving out my card. You'll have to come up with your own ways to promote towards your target audience.
Name Drop Famous People alongside 'Pop Words'
Search Engines, such as Google, can be great for directing people towards your Blog, so mention as many famous people as possible. To set yourself out from the rest add a pop word to it. By pop word I mean something exciting – usually sexually based. For example;
I'll probably get loads more views just because of those randomly thrown together words. You will too. Obviously you can't just blurt them out as I did, try to incorporate them into your subject somehow; “I had a great day today, went to the shop and thought I saw Justin Bieber performing a sexual act on a tramp, but when I looked again is was just a bunch of flowers, silly me!”
Use Interesting Blog Titles
Don't twat about like a twat, get them hooked straight away. For example, I was recently searching for “How to Make Your Blog More Popular” and then I thought; 'I bet loads of people Google that', then I came up with an idea to write my own guide to how to make Blogs more popular – which got you here, that's a victory for me. You see, these techniques really do work, you reading this is the proof.
Free Downloads
Everyone loves free stuff, that's a scientific fact. So just post loads of links to MP3s and Videos, just don't get caught. If you do get caught, don't tell them were you got the idea.
Utilise the Rest of the Web
Bombard Facebook Friends with messages, yes it's a Facebook taboo, but do it anyway. Upload a video to YouTube, that consists of you talking about how great your Blog is but entitle it; “New Blink-182 Song. 2011 Leak!”. Just don't read the comments from YouTubers calling for your execution. Hack a celebrity's Twitter account and Tweet to all their followers about how great your Blog is.
Where's Walters?
Is a stolen technique from my friend Mark Walters, but it is based on the oldest technique for promotion; word of mouth. Do as Mark did and randomly shout out the name of your website wherever you are; at the pub, on the bus, at a funeral. Wherever there's people, there's an audience to listen to you bellow out your website's name.
So there we go, six sure ways to increase traffic to your Blog. No need to send me your thanks. Just send me a cheque.
Get Your Product of There by Any Means
Firstly you need to get the word out there to the public. There are many ways to do this, most of them illegal, but hopefully you don't care about a criminal record. Start off small, write your Blog address on bus seats with a marker pen. Once you've done that buy [or steal] so white stickers and spend a day repeatedly writing out your Blog address then go sticking them around everywhere – McDonalds Drive-Thru is an excellent place to start. Write your Blog address on pieces of paper and go into a book shop, leave the bits of paper in books that follow the same/similar subjects as your Blog. Then step up your game. If a friend passes out around you [due to drinking] tattoo their forehead with a your website – now they're you're walking, talking advert for the rest of their lives – unless they wear a hat! Vandalise a national monument by tagging your Blog's address in spray-paint. Have a child and name it after your Blog; “Ahh... my first son; www.benbroughton.blogspot.com”, that's bound to get media attention, yes your child will be tormented for the rest of his/her life, but just image all the traffic you're going to get!
After a while you may want to aim your Blog towards your target audience. For example my target audience is; Young Offenders aged 14-26. So I often get myself arrested so I can spend a night in the cell, once in the cell I inscribe the walls with my website address. My other target audience is Slutty Girls aged 14-26, so I often go down to the local abortion clinic giving out my card. You'll have to come up with your own ways to promote towards your target audience.
Name Drop Famous People alongside 'Pop Words'
Search Engines, such as Google, can be great for directing people towards your Blog, so mention as many famous people as possible. To set yourself out from the rest add a pop word to it. By pop word I mean something exciting – usually sexually based. For example;
P. Diddy Rapes a Midget
Lady Gaga Ball Fall [a Ball Fall is like a Nip Slip – but it's when a testicle falls out]
David Cameron & Margaret Thatcher Sex Tape Leak
Lady Gaga Ball Fall [a Ball Fall is like a Nip Slip – but it's when a testicle falls out]
David Cameron & Margaret Thatcher Sex Tape Leak
I'll probably get loads more views just because of those randomly thrown together words. You will too. Obviously you can't just blurt them out as I did, try to incorporate them into your subject somehow; “I had a great day today, went to the shop and thought I saw Justin Bieber performing a sexual act on a tramp, but when I looked again is was just a bunch of flowers, silly me!”
Use Interesting Blog Titles
Don't twat about like a twat, get them hooked straight away. For example, I was recently searching for “How to Make Your Blog More Popular” and then I thought; 'I bet loads of people Google that', then I came up with an idea to write my own guide to how to make Blogs more popular – which got you here, that's a victory for me. You see, these techniques really do work, you reading this is the proof.
Free Downloads
Everyone loves free stuff, that's a scientific fact. So just post loads of links to MP3s and Videos, just don't get caught. If you do get caught, don't tell them were you got the idea.
Utilise the Rest of the Web
Bombard Facebook Friends with messages, yes it's a Facebook taboo, but do it anyway. Upload a video to YouTube, that consists of you talking about how great your Blog is but entitle it; “New Blink-182 Song. 2011 Leak!”. Just don't read the comments from YouTubers calling for your execution. Hack a celebrity's Twitter account and Tweet to all their followers about how great your Blog is.
Where's Walters?
Is a stolen technique from my friend Mark Walters, but it is based on the oldest technique for promotion; word of mouth. Do as Mark did and randomly shout out the name of your website wherever you are; at the pub, on the bus, at a funeral. Wherever there's people, there's an audience to listen to you bellow out your website's name.
So there we go, six sure ways to increase traffic to your Blog. No need to send me your thanks. Just send me a cheque.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Ben Broughton’s 2-Point Plan to Save the Economy
I know many people that return to read my Blog have been looking forward to my insightful knowledge and rationality being turned towards something that none of us can avoid; the economy. Seeing as last week David Cameron and one of his millionaire, Tory stooges; Jeremy Hunt [coincidentally he is what his second name rhymes with – and I don’t mean front or blunt*] decided to axe the UK Film Council, it seems as if the only way this current Conservative government can make headway is by cutting and slashing anything, like a knife wielding maniac on crystal meth. So, I’m not one to disappoint [outside of the bedroom], so here it is; a couple of ideas that strengthen the British economy.
The One-Child Policy
I will admit that China did have this idea first, but like an MP dealing with the economy at the minute I’ve simply stole it. Of course, seeing as China’s population is now over a billion I’m not sure if it’s working too well over there, I think us Brits could band together and show them how it should be done.
If couples deluded enough to even want children in the first place simply had one child they could focus all their attention towards it. This is extremely beneficial, although I’m willing to take the chance of making Britain over run with spoilt children. Less children means smaller classes at school, which leads to more attention from teachers, which leads to smarter students, which leads to more intellectual adults (as they grow up), which leads to a better society. At the minute there’s some figure going around explaining how many people are going for one job, I can’t remember the figure and I’m too lazy to Google it, but let’s just say it’s 20 people. After about two decades of The One-Child Policy, that number will be dramatically lower and the skills possessed by those going for the job will be much higher.
I know that this policy is going to be met with a massive backlash, I understand that people don’t want to be told how many children they can have, but you know what; life’s shit and if you don’t like it fuck off to France. I also understand it will take a long time for the benefits of this policy to start taking effect, at least two decades but this is just a testament to my future thinking. I’m not making policies that will make a bit of money here and there now; I’m concentrating on the future of this country.
In a time when the media perpetuates an image of the youth being good for nothing, criminal minded, drug addled, scum living life how they seem fit no matter who it causes problems for, they are bound to back this idea. Fewer children means paedophiles would find it harder to kidnap their victims, so to be against The One-Child Policy is just like saying “Paedophiles are good for England” – you sick bastards.
Plus wouldn’t it just be better to have fewer kids around?
Legalisation of Cannabis
I’ve already talked about how the legalisation of cannabis would deflate the number of stabbings in this country. Although have you noticed that the coverage of people getting stabbed is much lower than it was say two years ago? Nobody in the media seems to care about kids killing each other anymore, not since the economical crisis, but either way legalisation of cannabis is always the answer to whatever problem the media is currently serving up to the fearful population.
Legalisation would benefit the economy in varies ways. Firstly taxing cannabis would create an influx of money towards the government, maybe then they can stop cutting jobs in the public sector. Making cannabis legal would open up new business ventures in the UK, following the model of Coffee Shops in Amsterdam, of course the current (and what some may call fascist) smoking Ban would have to be altered with business owners having to apply for a Smoking Licence, so customers would be able to smoke in their establishments. The legalisation would leave the Police with more money to go after and prosecute ‘real’ drug dealers too.
Legalisation would create so much more money in this country; it’s unbelievable that nobody in power has even suggested it.
*Cunt, Jeremy Hunt is a cunt, in case you didn’t get it.
The One-Child Policy
I will admit that China did have this idea first, but like an MP dealing with the economy at the minute I’ve simply stole it. Of course, seeing as China’s population is now over a billion I’m not sure if it’s working too well over there, I think us Brits could band together and show them how it should be done.
If couples deluded enough to even want children in the first place simply had one child they could focus all their attention towards it. This is extremely beneficial, although I’m willing to take the chance of making Britain over run with spoilt children. Less children means smaller classes at school, which leads to more attention from teachers, which leads to smarter students, which leads to more intellectual adults (as they grow up), which leads to a better society. At the minute there’s some figure going around explaining how many people are going for one job, I can’t remember the figure and I’m too lazy to Google it, but let’s just say it’s 20 people. After about two decades of The One-Child Policy, that number will be dramatically lower and the skills possessed by those going for the job will be much higher.
I know that this policy is going to be met with a massive backlash, I understand that people don’t want to be told how many children they can have, but you know what; life’s shit and if you don’t like it fuck off to France. I also understand it will take a long time for the benefits of this policy to start taking effect, at least two decades but this is just a testament to my future thinking. I’m not making policies that will make a bit of money here and there now; I’m concentrating on the future of this country.
In a time when the media perpetuates an image of the youth being good for nothing, criminal minded, drug addled, scum living life how they seem fit no matter who it causes problems for, they are bound to back this idea. Fewer children means paedophiles would find it harder to kidnap their victims, so to be against The One-Child Policy is just like saying “Paedophiles are good for England” – you sick bastards.
Plus wouldn’t it just be better to have fewer kids around?
Legalisation of Cannabis
I’ve already talked about how the legalisation of cannabis would deflate the number of stabbings in this country. Although have you noticed that the coverage of people getting stabbed is much lower than it was say two years ago? Nobody in the media seems to care about kids killing each other anymore, not since the economical crisis, but either way legalisation of cannabis is always the answer to whatever problem the media is currently serving up to the fearful population.
Legalisation would benefit the economy in varies ways. Firstly taxing cannabis would create an influx of money towards the government, maybe then they can stop cutting jobs in the public sector. Making cannabis legal would open up new business ventures in the UK, following the model of Coffee Shops in Amsterdam, of course the current (and what some may call fascist) smoking Ban would have to be altered with business owners having to apply for a Smoking Licence, so customers would be able to smoke in their establishments. The legalisation would leave the Police with more money to go after and prosecute ‘real’ drug dealers too.
Legalisation would create so much more money in this country; it’s unbelievable that nobody in power has even suggested it.
*Cunt, Jeremy Hunt is a cunt, in case you didn’t get it.
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Ben Broughton's Guide to Finding a House
It’s that time of year. You’ve finished University and have to live in the ‘real world’. No more student accommodation! You have to find a real house. Now, being the sophisticated individual I am, I had thousands of offers from friends to have me move in with them to make their miserable lives more tolerable with my divine blend of wit and harsh put-downs. Yet, some people I know haven’t been blessed with personalities most would deem likable and they have had to go out and attempt to find a house themselves. Of course, being on the outside looking in, it’s so easy to tell when they have made mistakes and find errors in their judgement. As I’m so sick and fucking tired of hearing people bitch about finding a house I’ve put together some key points, the most important things to consider when looking for a place to rent.
So there we have it, that’s my tiny insight into finding somewhere to live, by live I mean cook, eat and sleep. I hope these tips have helped you on your way to finding somewhere, possibly a shack, to live.
• Must be Furnished
Face it people, you’re straight out of University, you have no money and you have a crippling debt that you have to drag around forever like your deceased Siamese twin. If you think you can move into an unfurnished house you’re either mentally retarded or you like making things really hard for yourself or you’re still scrounging off of your mother and father. Beds, washing machines, fridges, freezers, sofas … these things aren’t cheap, even second hand. What you have to think about is; “Do I have a couple of hundred quid to buy this stuff?” Because more than likely you don’t. I’m not saying live in furnished houses forever, just start making some serious money first, save up, and then buy these things.
• Get over Yourself
Look, you need to realise you’re scum. In the eyes of society; you’re no-one, a miniscule pleb on the face of the Earth, a waste of space, just another soulless human breathing all the good air. With your low-earning, shitty job. So get over yourself. Stop looking for the perfect house; it doesn’t exist, especially on your tiny budget. You need to think financially; cheap, shitty houses are best, plus they’re more in tune with your cheap, shitty life. Sorry to break it to you but after University you’re supposed to live in crappy accommodation. So put a halt to finding that 3-double-bedroom house, with a large back garden, sufficient parking, study room … Bite the fucking bullet and live a shack. You’re not starting a family; you won’t be living there forever. Plus think about what your life is going to consist of from now on, the days of sitting around the house smoking weed and playing with your dick are over, you have to work. Hypothetically speaking, let’s say you work 9-5, five days a week; you’ll only be in your house evenings and weekends. Evenings will consist of cooking and sleeping, weekends will consist of going out. So this hunt for the perfect house is simply a hunt for a place to cook and sleep. Cook and Sleep, that’s all you need a house for. As long as you find somewhere that has a cooker/microwave and a bed/loads of pillows on the floor, you’re fine. Plus, why the fuck do you need a garden? They’re only useful around summer time, other than that they have no real function, it’s just a chore; having to mow it and scare of the neighbour’s cat so it stops crapping everywhere.
• Need a Big Bedroom
Do you really need a big bedroom? Or are you just selfish? As long as you can fit a bed in it you’ll be fine. “But I spend loads of time in my room!” That really lets on to the calibre of people you live with and is offensive to your future housemates. You may as well just say; “I’ll live with you, but I NEVER want to see you!” to their face. “At home I had a big bedroom.” Move back then. You also had a mother that cooked and cleaned for you, do you think someone else will do that? I share a box room with my brother when I’m back home. That’s two people in one tiny room. We manage to get by, so if you think you can’t have a small room to yourself you’re a fucking idiot. For what reason do you need a big room? Are you sacrificing goats to Satan regularly? Are you a break-dancer, that needs room to practice? Are you mating Tigers? Or raising Elephants? No, you’re fucking not. You’re sleeping in your bedroom, that’s what it’s for, the clues in the fucking first three letters of the word; bed, it’s where you’re bed goes, so you can sleep. Plus the bigger the room the more cleaning and tidying you have to do.
Face it people, you’re straight out of University, you have no money and you have a crippling debt that you have to drag around forever like your deceased Siamese twin. If you think you can move into an unfurnished house you’re either mentally retarded or you like making things really hard for yourself or you’re still scrounging off of your mother and father. Beds, washing machines, fridges, freezers, sofas … these things aren’t cheap, even second hand. What you have to think about is; “Do I have a couple of hundred quid to buy this stuff?” Because more than likely you don’t. I’m not saying live in furnished houses forever, just start making some serious money first, save up, and then buy these things.
• Get over Yourself
Look, you need to realise you’re scum. In the eyes of society; you’re no-one, a miniscule pleb on the face of the Earth, a waste of space, just another soulless human breathing all the good air. With your low-earning, shitty job. So get over yourself. Stop looking for the perfect house; it doesn’t exist, especially on your tiny budget. You need to think financially; cheap, shitty houses are best, plus they’re more in tune with your cheap, shitty life. Sorry to break it to you but after University you’re supposed to live in crappy accommodation. So put a halt to finding that 3-double-bedroom house, with a large back garden, sufficient parking, study room … Bite the fucking bullet and live a shack. You’re not starting a family; you won’t be living there forever. Plus think about what your life is going to consist of from now on, the days of sitting around the house smoking weed and playing with your dick are over, you have to work. Hypothetically speaking, let’s say you work 9-5, five days a week; you’ll only be in your house evenings and weekends. Evenings will consist of cooking and sleeping, weekends will consist of going out. So this hunt for the perfect house is simply a hunt for a place to cook and sleep. Cook and Sleep, that’s all you need a house for. As long as you find somewhere that has a cooker/microwave and a bed/loads of pillows on the floor, you’re fine. Plus, why the fuck do you need a garden? They’re only useful around summer time, other than that they have no real function, it’s just a chore; having to mow it and scare of the neighbour’s cat so it stops crapping everywhere.
• Need a Big Bedroom
Do you really need a big bedroom? Or are you just selfish? As long as you can fit a bed in it you’ll be fine. “But I spend loads of time in my room!” That really lets on to the calibre of people you live with and is offensive to your future housemates. You may as well just say; “I’ll live with you, but I NEVER want to see you!” to their face. “At home I had a big bedroom.” Move back then. You also had a mother that cooked and cleaned for you, do you think someone else will do that? I share a box room with my brother when I’m back home. That’s two people in one tiny room. We manage to get by, so if you think you can’t have a small room to yourself you’re a fucking idiot. For what reason do you need a big room? Are you sacrificing goats to Satan regularly? Are you a break-dancer, that needs room to practice? Are you mating Tigers? Or raising Elephants? No, you’re fucking not. You’re sleeping in your bedroom, that’s what it’s for, the clues in the fucking first three letters of the word; bed, it’s where you’re bed goes, so you can sleep. Plus the bigger the room the more cleaning and tidying you have to do.
So there we have it, that’s my tiny insight into finding somewhere to live, by live I mean cook, eat and sleep. I hope these tips have helped you on your way to finding somewhere, possibly a shack, to live.
Monday, 10 May 2010
I Download. Illegally.
Downloading things for free is stealing. We all know this. Yet, unlike shop lifting, it’s so much easier and you’re less likely to get caught. Plus, it doesn’t affect your conscience, much like pushing over a toddler when nobody’s looking, or is that just me? These two reasons are why illegally downloading is so great.
In my personal opinion, if you have a computer and you’re not downloading illegally, you’re not using your machine to the best of its abilities, and you shouldn’t even be allowed a computer in the first place. Music, Films, Software, Games … it’s all within your grasp. An unending amount of entertainment at your figure tips. It wants you to download it and enjoy it for free. So do it, do it now (but come back to read the rest of this Blog)!
Welcome Back.
There is of course numerous ways to download (maybe I should have pointed these ways out before telling you to go and download something – we live and learn), I’ll list them off for you n00bs (that’s internet slang for ‘newbie’ btw … and so is btw, it means ‘by the way’); File sharing programmes like LimeWire, although they’re a hotbed for viruses, and getting a virus on your computer is like getting a virus on your cock, you really don’t want it there and you’ll do anything to get rid of it, although you can’t reinstall your penis to it’s default setting, trust me. File sharing websites such as Rapidshare or Megaupload are decent, but these often have limitations on how much you can download and premium accounts are available at a cost; although if you know where to look you can recuperate your money in a matter of minutes (depending on your download speed). Then there are torrents. I’m not 100% sure how they actually work, mainly because I just don’t give a shit and if I knew how everything worked, I wouldn’t spend my days being cynical about how things work. With so many options you’re spoilt for choice when it comes to wanting to steal some information.
A lot of people believe that downloading is selfish! That people that do it are horrible and only looking out for themselves. This is of course not true, it takes an extremely kind person to rip a DVD, then upload a DVD and share it with people for absolutely nothing. These honourable people go out of their way to do these things, and for what? There’s no money to be made on their part, they do it because they’re just nice people. If you ask me doing something such as this is the complete opposite of selfish… it’s selfless. If you were in town and someone approached you and gave you £5, you’d probably suspect something was up but once you realised they were being nice, you’d go on your way and buy some heroin … or whatever you spend your money on. Then as you lay back later that day, you’d think; “Wow, that was nice of the stranger to give me something for free, what a selfless act. Man, I’m fucked up!”
But what about these companies losing out?
Are they losing out? We live in a time in which you can download a film that’s just been released in a smidgen of time that it takes you to drive to the nearest cinema. But if your film is good enough (or the promotion for it is good enough) people will still go and see it. Look at Avatar, its broken records worldwide; people are flocking to see it like it’s the second coming of Christ or something else that people would gather to look at. Products are still making vast amounts of cash in this downloading era of ours. Artists are still selling albums, left, right and centre. 50 Cent’s little bastard child isn’t going to starve just because you downloaded his shitty album instead of buying it. Most of these companies putting out films/music/software/games are huge conglomerates anyway, they’re not going to go bust because there’ll always be people buying something they put out.
I still buy DVDs, in fact I’ve starting buying more DVDs recently, because although I advocate downloading, I still like to have a hard copy of something if I deem it good enough, it’s just that the majority of media being produced is below standard. That is why things such as HD and 3D are becoming so prominent, the content isn’t improving but the viewing standards are. A classic film, is a classic film, HD or 3D doesn’t or won’t make it better. A film such as 12 Angry Men (which I hadn’t seen until I downloaded it) would be no better from these innovations.
I especially don’t see anything wrong with downloading shows produced by the BBC. I do see something wrong with the BBC putting out DVDs and making people pay full price for them. These shows wouldn’t have been aired in the first place if it wasn’t for us paying for our TV licence. It’s a travesty that the BBC is able to put out DVDs and charge the same price as other DVDs. It’s like going to ASDA, buying your food, going home but having to pay ASDA extra money every time you eat some of that food. BBC DVDs should be free or just expensive enough that the BBC can recuperate money from the manufacture of the DVDs, no profit should be made.
Piracy funds Terrorism?
I’ve heard this wild claim a couple of times before and to be honest it’s a massive lie. Anyone that’s ever bought a pirated DVD has never bought it from a terrorist. Abu Hamza isn’t locked up for selling dodgy DVDs, is he? How can piracy fund terrorism when Osama Bin Laden is still putting out videos? He hasn’t even updated to DVD yet. I get the idea that when Al Jazeera get a video from Bin Laden there’s a massive scramble around in an old dusty cupboard in which a bunch of runners and junior researchers desperately attempt to find a VHS player. I mean, Osama doesn’t even have a YouTube page. I mean, come on Osama; get with the times, grandpa. No MySpace, no Twitter, not even a Facebook page! I’ve gone off on a bit of a tangent here and I’m starting to forget what my point is, but anyway, I’m standing by my previous convictions of what-ever-it-was I said.
In my personal opinion, if you have a computer and you’re not downloading illegally, you’re not using your machine to the best of its abilities, and you shouldn’t even be allowed a computer in the first place. Music, Films, Software, Games … it’s all within your grasp. An unending amount of entertainment at your figure tips. It wants you to download it and enjoy it for free. So do it, do it now (but come back to read the rest of this Blog)!
Welcome Back.
There is of course numerous ways to download (maybe I should have pointed these ways out before telling you to go and download something – we live and learn), I’ll list them off for you n00bs (that’s internet slang for ‘newbie’ btw … and so is btw, it means ‘by the way’); File sharing programmes like LimeWire, although they’re a hotbed for viruses, and getting a virus on your computer is like getting a virus on your cock, you really don’t want it there and you’ll do anything to get rid of it, although you can’t reinstall your penis to it’s default setting, trust me. File sharing websites such as Rapidshare or Megaupload are decent, but these often have limitations on how much you can download and premium accounts are available at a cost; although if you know where to look you can recuperate your money in a matter of minutes (depending on your download speed). Then there are torrents. I’m not 100% sure how they actually work, mainly because I just don’t give a shit and if I knew how everything worked, I wouldn’t spend my days being cynical about how things work. With so many options you’re spoilt for choice when it comes to wanting to steal some information.
A lot of people believe that downloading is selfish! That people that do it are horrible and only looking out for themselves. This is of course not true, it takes an extremely kind person to rip a DVD, then upload a DVD and share it with people for absolutely nothing. These honourable people go out of their way to do these things, and for what? There’s no money to be made on their part, they do it because they’re just nice people. If you ask me doing something such as this is the complete opposite of selfish… it’s selfless. If you were in town and someone approached you and gave you £5, you’d probably suspect something was up but once you realised they were being nice, you’d go on your way and buy some heroin … or whatever you spend your money on. Then as you lay back later that day, you’d think; “Wow, that was nice of the stranger to give me something for free, what a selfless act. Man, I’m fucked up!”
But what about these companies losing out?
Are they losing out? We live in a time in which you can download a film that’s just been released in a smidgen of time that it takes you to drive to the nearest cinema. But if your film is good enough (or the promotion for it is good enough) people will still go and see it. Look at Avatar, its broken records worldwide; people are flocking to see it like it’s the second coming of Christ or something else that people would gather to look at. Products are still making vast amounts of cash in this downloading era of ours. Artists are still selling albums, left, right and centre. 50 Cent’s little bastard child isn’t going to starve just because you downloaded his shitty album instead of buying it. Most of these companies putting out films/music/software/games are huge conglomerates anyway, they’re not going to go bust because there’ll always be people buying something they put out.
I still buy DVDs, in fact I’ve starting buying more DVDs recently, because although I advocate downloading, I still like to have a hard copy of something if I deem it good enough, it’s just that the majority of media being produced is below standard. That is why things such as HD and 3D are becoming so prominent, the content isn’t improving but the viewing standards are. A classic film, is a classic film, HD or 3D doesn’t or won’t make it better. A film such as 12 Angry Men (which I hadn’t seen until I downloaded it) would be no better from these innovations.
I especially don’t see anything wrong with downloading shows produced by the BBC. I do see something wrong with the BBC putting out DVDs and making people pay full price for them. These shows wouldn’t have been aired in the first place if it wasn’t for us paying for our TV licence. It’s a travesty that the BBC is able to put out DVDs and charge the same price as other DVDs. It’s like going to ASDA, buying your food, going home but having to pay ASDA extra money every time you eat some of that food. BBC DVDs should be free or just expensive enough that the BBC can recuperate money from the manufacture of the DVDs, no profit should be made.
Piracy funds Terrorism?
I’ve heard this wild claim a couple of times before and to be honest it’s a massive lie. Anyone that’s ever bought a pirated DVD has never bought it from a terrorist. Abu Hamza isn’t locked up for selling dodgy DVDs, is he? How can piracy fund terrorism when Osama Bin Laden is still putting out videos? He hasn’t even updated to DVD yet. I get the idea that when Al Jazeera get a video from Bin Laden there’s a massive scramble around in an old dusty cupboard in which a bunch of runners and junior researchers desperately attempt to find a VHS player. I mean, Osama doesn’t even have a YouTube page. I mean, come on Osama; get with the times, grandpa. No MySpace, no Twitter, not even a Facebook page! I’ve gone off on a bit of a tangent here and I’m starting to forget what my point is, but anyway, I’m standing by my previous convictions of what-ever-it-was I said.
Saturday, 29 August 2009
Get Rich (or at least make a little cash) Quick Scheme #1
I like to pride myself on delivering information to other people to help them in these times of financial problems. I’ve previously tackled such problems as getting drunk for free and also shared knowledge to students on how to save money while at University. So now, as all hope seems lost I return with a new plan...
Apparently it’s never been harder for people aged 18-25 to get jobs, but I think I have the solution! So read my tips, I would like to mention that if you have problems with breaking the law stop reading now, because there’s nothing here for you!
OK, the first part of the plan is you have to start mugging people. I know this isn’t a new idea and it’s risky. But hear me out, although you’re already thinking; “Fuck you Ben, you fool I could have come up with this myself.” But my genius comes later on. So, anyway, start mugging people, get the usual stuff that people have on them; mobile phone, jewellery and car keys. Of course use some common sense here, make sure you pick your targets well. I prefer old people and young kids (not sexually – I know that’s what you were thinking, you pervert!), they’re easy targets and less likely to fight back.
Now comes the clever bit.
Now, as we all know it can be hard to sell on things that are stolen. You either have to sell them to people that fully understand that they are stolen so they are not willing to pay much or you have to try and convince the people that work in Cash Traders that you want to sell your mother’s wedding ring and your grandma’s pretty necklace. Which, form my personal experience is often unsuccessful.
So what are you going to do with these stolen goods?
Luckily for criminals life is getting easier, anyone that watches plenty of daytime TV (better known collectively as social-rejects) would have come adverts that tell you to go online, log on their website and then you send them certain items and they send you cash. So you take the goods you’ve stolen and start to follow these instructions;
- Well firstly send any stolen mobiles to www.mazumamobile.com, get a little cash from them.
- Sell any gold that you may have ‘required’ to www.cashmygold.co.uk.
- And if you were lucky enough to steal car keys and the car sell that to www.webuyanycar.com.
There’s no explaining, there’s no face to face shit, no need to lie. Nothing. Simple as that!
“But Ben, isn’t there a risk that one of these websites will eventually cotton on? Seeing as they’re sending me four or five cheques a week?” is what you should be thinking, if you are indeed a criminal mastermind. And I’m not going to lie to you, this could be a problem. But luckily there is a wide range of websites offering money for mobiles/gold, so a simple Google search will turn up an endless amount of websites willing to buy the shit that you kicked someone’s grandma in for!
But what next?
You can keep doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll ever make a load of money. But luckily I have plans for expanding. A website by the name of www.carspotter.co.uk now has a number (86007) that you can text the licence plates of cars to, they then tell you how much that car is worth. So what you do is walk down a street, or through a car park texting licence plate numbers to CarSpotter (on a stolen phone of course – before you send it to mazuma, you don’t want to use your credit) and wait to see which car costs the most according to CarSpotter, then you steal the car and get more money from www.webuyanycar.com, as their adverts states (about a 100 times) they buy any car. That’s any car; big, small, stolen or burnt out! They buy any car.
If none of this works for you, sell crack to kids!
Good luck.
Ben Broughton or The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is not responsible for any violence or jail time you may encounter if you follow these instructions.
Apparently it’s never been harder for people aged 18-25 to get jobs, but I think I have the solution! So read my tips, I would like to mention that if you have problems with breaking the law stop reading now, because there’s nothing here for you!
OK, the first part of the plan is you have to start mugging people. I know this isn’t a new idea and it’s risky. But hear me out, although you’re already thinking; “Fuck you Ben, you fool I could have come up with this myself.” But my genius comes later on. So, anyway, start mugging people, get the usual stuff that people have on them; mobile phone, jewellery and car keys. Of course use some common sense here, make sure you pick your targets well. I prefer old people and young kids (not sexually – I know that’s what you were thinking, you pervert!), they’re easy targets and less likely to fight back.
Now comes the clever bit.
Now, as we all know it can be hard to sell on things that are stolen. You either have to sell them to people that fully understand that they are stolen so they are not willing to pay much or you have to try and convince the people that work in Cash Traders that you want to sell your mother’s wedding ring and your grandma’s pretty necklace. Which, form my personal experience is often unsuccessful.
So what are you going to do with these stolen goods?
Luckily for criminals life is getting easier, anyone that watches plenty of daytime TV (better known collectively as social-rejects) would have come adverts that tell you to go online, log on their website and then you send them certain items and they send you cash. So you take the goods you’ve stolen and start to follow these instructions;
- Well firstly send any stolen mobiles to www.mazumamobile.com, get a little cash from them.
- Sell any gold that you may have ‘required’ to www.cashmygold.co.uk.
- And if you were lucky enough to steal car keys and the car sell that to www.webuyanycar.com.
There’s no explaining, there’s no face to face shit, no need to lie. Nothing. Simple as that!
“But Ben, isn’t there a risk that one of these websites will eventually cotton on? Seeing as they’re sending me four or five cheques a week?” is what you should be thinking, if you are indeed a criminal mastermind. And I’m not going to lie to you, this could be a problem. But luckily there is a wide range of websites offering money for mobiles/gold, so a simple Google search will turn up an endless amount of websites willing to buy the shit that you kicked someone’s grandma in for!
But what next?
You can keep doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll ever make a load of money. But luckily I have plans for expanding. A website by the name of www.carspotter.co.uk now has a number (86007) that you can text the licence plates of cars to, they then tell you how much that car is worth. So what you do is walk down a street, or through a car park texting licence plate numbers to CarSpotter (on a stolen phone of course – before you send it to mazuma, you don’t want to use your credit) and wait to see which car costs the most according to CarSpotter, then you steal the car and get more money from www.webuyanycar.com, as their adverts states (about a 100 times) they buy any car. That’s any car; big, small, stolen or burnt out! They buy any car.
If none of this works for you, sell crack to kids!
Good luck.
Ben Broughton or The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is not responsible for any violence or jail time you may encounter if you follow these instructions.
Monday, 15 June 2009
Wigganometry: An Introduction on how to be a Wigger
This short and simple course has been developed to help eager wigger-wannabes increase their knowledge of how to be a wigger. Seeing as this is simply an introduction, we’ll cover three aspects of being a wigger; dress, mind-state and terminology (for beginners). If this course is completed we can then move on to Advanced Wigganometry.
Firstly you need to look the part. It is important that you dress in clothes that are too big for you. If you want to be a real wigger, every piece of clothing you own must be at least three sizes bigger than you need them. So throw out anything you own that is ‘normal’ size. It is also worth noting that your jeans must hang below your boxer shorts. Brands of clothing to look out for are FUBU and Rocawear, or anything else rappers were wearing circa 1998.
After you look like a real wigger you need to get into the same mind-frame as one. This means listening to gangsta rap. Now gangsta rap is a big and varied genre of hip hop and dates back to before you were born. But seeing as you are attempting to be a wigger we are going to not look at the classic artists such as NWA, instead you are going to look (and listen) to artists such as 50 Cent, Cam’ron, Cassidy and any artists that are currently putting out gangsta rap. It is also important to hold Tupac Shakur (a/k/a 2Pac) up as a God to yourself. You should worship him as if he was the return of Jesus. Don’t ever question anything he has said and defend him until you get your ass beat. No matter if intelligent people are attacking him for doing ballet as a child you must remain true and keep saying “He kept it real!”
Terminology
There is some important terminology you must get used to. Here we have provided a few examples that you should incorporate into your everyday conversation.
My ‘hood.
This refers to your neighbourhood or street, where you live.
Example: “That shit isn’t fly in my ‘hood”
Bling.
This refers to any jewellery you have, no matter if it’s real or simply plastic, it’s still bling.
Example: “Yo my nigga, that bling is off da hook!”
Fo’ Shizzle.
This means “for sure”. Made popular by recording artist Snoop Doggy Dogg.
Example: Wigger #1 “You gunna by at the club tonight?”
Wigger #2 “Fo’ shizzle!”
Phat.
Pronounced like “fat”, but means quite the opposite. If something is phat, it is good.
Example: “My new kicks are phat!”
And that concludes the introduction to Wigganometry. Put everything you have learned into play and I’ll see you at the course for Advanced Wigganometry. Peace out, my Wiggers!
Firstly you need to look the part. It is important that you dress in clothes that are too big for you. If you want to be a real wigger, every piece of clothing you own must be at least three sizes bigger than you need them. So throw out anything you own that is ‘normal’ size. It is also worth noting that your jeans must hang below your boxer shorts. Brands of clothing to look out for are FUBU and Rocawear, or anything else rappers were wearing circa 1998.
After you look like a real wigger you need to get into the same mind-frame as one. This means listening to gangsta rap. Now gangsta rap is a big and varied genre of hip hop and dates back to before you were born. But seeing as you are attempting to be a wigger we are going to not look at the classic artists such as NWA, instead you are going to look (and listen) to artists such as 50 Cent, Cam’ron, Cassidy and any artists that are currently putting out gangsta rap. It is also important to hold Tupac Shakur (a/k/a 2Pac) up as a God to yourself. You should worship him as if he was the return of Jesus. Don’t ever question anything he has said and defend him until you get your ass beat. No matter if intelligent people are attacking him for doing ballet as a child you must remain true and keep saying “He kept it real!”
Terminology
There is some important terminology you must get used to. Here we have provided a few examples that you should incorporate into your everyday conversation.
My ‘hood.
This refers to your neighbourhood or street, where you live.
Example: “That shit isn’t fly in my ‘hood”
Bling.
This refers to any jewellery you have, no matter if it’s real or simply plastic, it’s still bling.
Example: “Yo my nigga, that bling is off da hook!”
Fo’ Shizzle.
This means “for sure”. Made popular by recording artist Snoop Doggy Dogg.
Example: Wigger #1 “You gunna by at the club tonight?”
Wigger #2 “Fo’ shizzle!”
Phat.
Pronounced like “fat”, but means quite the opposite. If something is phat, it is good.
Example: “My new kicks are phat!”
And that concludes the introduction to Wigganometry. Put everything you have learned into play and I’ll see you at the course for Advanced Wigganometry. Peace out, my Wiggers!
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Advice for Students
Studying Tips
As all students know it is vital to reference and it is difficult to walk the line between referencing and plagiarism. So I have a few tips:
When you need to take a book from the library always take the oldest, most battered book that you can find (on your subject matter) because it’s been in circulation for so long that all the relative parts that apply to your coursework/exam have already be underlined/highlighted by all the students that went before you.
As all students know getting out of bed is hard and actually turning up to University is even harder. So if you can’t be bothered with going to the library to find the books you need to reference simply go to GoogleBooks. Here you can search random words and Google brings up those books, then you simply copy what you need into your assignment.
Money Tips
Steal! Wait one second though, I’m not saying you should start mugging old ladies in the park at night, I’m also not saying you should stick up the lovely couple that own the shop at the end of your street. Steal things that are usually free, for example my wonderful friend Adam French used to steal rolls of toilet paper from University. Genius!
Sleep! Students have the reputation for being lazy and sleeping all the time. I’ve met energetic students that say stupid things such as; “Why sleep when there’s so much to do?” These students are idiots and are likely to have a heart attack at 30. Sleep is a student’s best friend. It costs nothing, plus while you sleep you’re not eating, which saves on food, which in turn saves on money.
Have you ever been bored enough to read the packaging that your food comes in? Probably not because you have a life, but luckily for you; I don’t (have a life) and I do (read the back of food packaging). On the back of everything from a packet of crisps to tins of beans there is contact information for the businesses that make these foods. What you do is email or write to them complaining about their food and they’ll be nice enough to send you some coupons. Score!
Getting drunk for cheap. I have already compiled a list of ways to get drunk for cheap, but seeing as your students, I’ll let you in on one more way because you’re the only people (apart from tramps) that are likely to do this. In this eco-friendly world of ours we now recycle our cans and bottles in a special bin (for example mine is blue). Luckily, let of drink and backwash collect at the bottom of these bins (along with other juices – I warn you) All you need is a bit of hosepipe or a long straw and voila ... Ben’s Backwash Booze Bin Cocktail!
As all students know it is vital to reference and it is difficult to walk the line between referencing and plagiarism. So I have a few tips:
When you need to take a book from the library always take the oldest, most battered book that you can find (on your subject matter) because it’s been in circulation for so long that all the relative parts that apply to your coursework/exam have already be underlined/highlighted by all the students that went before you.
As all students know getting out of bed is hard and actually turning up to University is even harder. So if you can’t be bothered with going to the library to find the books you need to reference simply go to GoogleBooks. Here you can search random words and Google brings up those books, then you simply copy what you need into your assignment.
Money Tips
Steal! Wait one second though, I’m not saying you should start mugging old ladies in the park at night, I’m also not saying you should stick up the lovely couple that own the shop at the end of your street. Steal things that are usually free, for example my wonderful friend Adam French used to steal rolls of toilet paper from University. Genius!
Sleep! Students have the reputation for being lazy and sleeping all the time. I’ve met energetic students that say stupid things such as; “Why sleep when there’s so much to do?” These students are idiots and are likely to have a heart attack at 30. Sleep is a student’s best friend. It costs nothing, plus while you sleep you’re not eating, which saves on food, which in turn saves on money.
Have you ever been bored enough to read the packaging that your food comes in? Probably not because you have a life, but luckily for you; I don’t (have a life) and I do (read the back of food packaging). On the back of everything from a packet of crisps to tins of beans there is contact information for the businesses that make these foods. What you do is email or write to them complaining about their food and they’ll be nice enough to send you some coupons. Score!
Getting drunk for cheap. I have already compiled a list of ways to get drunk for cheap, but seeing as your students, I’ll let you in on one more way because you’re the only people (apart from tramps) that are likely to do this. In this eco-friendly world of ours we now recycle our cans and bottles in a special bin (for example mine is blue). Luckily, let of drink and backwash collect at the bottom of these bins (along with other juices – I warn you) All you need is a bit of hosepipe or a long straw and voila ... Ben’s Backwash Booze Bin Cocktail!
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
Common Misconceptions Women have about Men
OK, ladies this one’s for you. I’m not professional when it comes to the opposite sex, but my years on this Earth have taught me a few things and I’m going to share them with you now. This maybe the most heartfelt thing I’ve ever written, so bare with me.
Being bi-sexual is cool
This is one the drives me crazy, when females claim to be bi-sexual when they’re not and even if you are, please don’t tell your boyfriend. Yes, a select few males may think this could possibly lead to a threesome somewhere down the line, but this is not the case with most men. It makes them quite paranoid, in a relationship it’s not good on a man’s ego if there’s a possibility that his girlfriend can eat out girls better than he can. There’s the added paranoia that if you are a bi-sexual girl, you may leave your boyfriend for a woman, which will lead to humiliation and never ending torment for you boyfriend. Seriously, claiming to be bi-sexual puts so much pressure on a relationship; it’s just not worth mentioning (if it’s true).
You have to be thin
This is not the case. Girls that are too skinny are fucking vile (sorry girls). No man wants to feel like he’s fucking a xylophone. A little puppy fat is more than fine ladies. Plus if you’re always on a diet, how can your man take you out for a nice meal? While he’s chomping down on a steak, you’re sat adjacent nibbling on crackers or bread; that’s just not right. Plus if you spend all your time in the gym ... with the beautiful people, he may get jealous plus if you’re at the gym who’s going to do the washing, the cleaning and the cooking?
The balls need attention
OK, this is probably the greatest tip for in the bedroom; leave the balls alone, please. Sex is not a tennis match; you don’t even have to pay attention to the balls. There’s a perfectly good dick right next to them, concentrate on that. Just let the balls do what they do best. Don’t play with them! Don’t tickle them! Don’t suck them! LEAVE THE BALLS ALONE!
You need our input on what you wear
This is a fucking set-up and I’m on to you ladies, so fuck off with this shit. There’s two ways this shit can work out:
1) Girl: “What shall I wear?”
Boy: “Whatever you want, my darling.”
Girl: “You never give a fuck about what I wear, you fucking cunt!”
2) Girl: “What shall I wear?”
Boy picks out any dress, Boy: “What about this?”
Girl: “No! You fucking know that’s not my colour! Do you want me to look stupid? You twat!”
It’s a lose/lose situation. Wear what YOU want. Remember Women’s Rights? You’ve got the right to wear whatever you want.
You need our input on your hair
Much like the last one. Another lose/lose situation. Up? Down? What-fucking-ever! You could shave it all off for all I care.
Being bi-sexual is cool
This is one the drives me crazy, when females claim to be bi-sexual when they’re not and even if you are, please don’t tell your boyfriend. Yes, a select few males may think this could possibly lead to a threesome somewhere down the line, but this is not the case with most men. It makes them quite paranoid, in a relationship it’s not good on a man’s ego if there’s a possibility that his girlfriend can eat out girls better than he can. There’s the added paranoia that if you are a bi-sexual girl, you may leave your boyfriend for a woman, which will lead to humiliation and never ending torment for you boyfriend. Seriously, claiming to be bi-sexual puts so much pressure on a relationship; it’s just not worth mentioning (if it’s true).
You have to be thin
This is not the case. Girls that are too skinny are fucking vile (sorry girls). No man wants to feel like he’s fucking a xylophone. A little puppy fat is more than fine ladies. Plus if you’re always on a diet, how can your man take you out for a nice meal? While he’s chomping down on a steak, you’re sat adjacent nibbling on crackers or bread; that’s just not right. Plus if you spend all your time in the gym ... with the beautiful people, he may get jealous plus if you’re at the gym who’s going to do the washing, the cleaning and the cooking?
The balls need attention
OK, this is probably the greatest tip for in the bedroom; leave the balls alone, please. Sex is not a tennis match; you don’t even have to pay attention to the balls. There’s a perfectly good dick right next to them, concentrate on that. Just let the balls do what they do best. Don’t play with them! Don’t tickle them! Don’t suck them! LEAVE THE BALLS ALONE!
You need our input on what you wear
This is a fucking set-up and I’m on to you ladies, so fuck off with this shit. There’s two ways this shit can work out:
1) Girl: “What shall I wear?”
Boy: “Whatever you want, my darling.”
Girl: “You never give a fuck about what I wear, you fucking cunt!”
2) Girl: “What shall I wear?”
Boy picks out any dress, Boy: “What about this?”
Girl: “No! You fucking know that’s not my colour! Do you want me to look stupid? You twat!”
It’s a lose/lose situation. Wear what YOU want. Remember Women’s Rights? You’ve got the right to wear whatever you want.
You need our input on your hair
Much like the last one. Another lose/lose situation. Up? Down? What-fucking-ever! You could shave it all off for all I care.
Saturday, 14 March 2009
Scarface Syndrome
This is an appeal. Now I usually don’t use my powers for good, but I’m turning over a new cannabis leaf. There’s lots of problems in the world; war, famine, AIDs, cancer, Jade Goody (although by the time you read this she may no longer be a problem). But there is one problem that the media shy away from. It’s a problem that many people shy away from. But don’t feel guilty, because it’s not your fault. This problem (which you may have guessed from the title) is Scarface Syndrome!
What is Scarface Syndrome?
Scarface Syndrome is condition found in a certain type of person. It attacks many, although most of them are usually male, but it does not discriminate; white, black, tall, small, fat or thin. It forms when a person begins to sell illegal drugs. This person then actually believes they are a drug lord, when in fact all they are is a petty weed dealer. It usually takes form after a person has sold some weed to a couple of people, once they make a profit they think they’re cool, the cycle repeats until a point in which the person gets a little big headed and acts as a go-between. A go-between is someone that often buys drugs from a dealer then sells them on to you. By this I mean, the go-between buys 5 pills, and then sells them to you. They don’t actually deal the drug, in reality, because they don’t stock it, but in their minds they think of themselves as Class A dealers, then the ego inflates a lot more.
What are the Symptoms?
· Loud Mouth
People suffering from Scarface Syndrome often like to brag and boast to anyone that will (or won’t) listen to them about how they sell drugs or are able to get you drugs.
· Undeserved Ego
This is how the syndrome gets it’s name, basically people think they are Tony Montana (from the popular 1983 film Scarface). When in actual fact they’re more like Hannah Montana (from the shit Disney TV Show by the same name).
· Constant Letdowns
Although suffers claim to be able to get you (the drug addict) whatever drug you desire, they often let you down because they’re not the drug lord’s they think they are, they’re simply go-betweens – and not very good ones at that.
How will my donation help prevent this terrible condition?
Firstly we will set up a clinic for suffers of Scarface Syndrome and kit it out with all the necessary shit that it will need; plasma TV, PS3s, Xbox 360s, Sky TV, some MACs, some PCs, the fast internet connection, Porn, Lap dancers and so on. This is bound to cure anyone suffering from Scarface Syndrome. Secondly, we would sent up a Drug Dealers Alliance, which would monitor drug dealers and give them the Official DDA stamp of approval, so all the weed smoking, pill popping, coke snorting junkies out there now that they are not dealing with a sufferer of Scarface Syndrome. We need to stamp out drug sales that involve people with Scarface Syndrome, until they have been cured by out clinic.
So thank you for reading, please make a donation today. And remember, you’re not a drug lord until you have your face in a mountain of coke!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)