Shit Joke #2

What do Gary Glitter and Margret Thatcher have in common?


They both screwed minors!

Worst 10 Adverts Currently on TV

10) Country Life Butter – “John Lydon/Johnny Rotten”
It’s not that this advert is really that bad (when compared to the others on this list), it’s just that John Lydon is a fucking sell-out! Sid Vicious probably spins in his grave every time this fucking advert airs on TV. In the advert, John gets stuck on a country lane as sheep surround him. Fucking hilarious!! Throughout the ad, John asks; “Why do I buy Country Life Butter?” Because you’re a fucking tool John! That’s why you buy it.

9) Life Without Tobacco – “Pimp My Ride”
OK, I’ve been lucky enough to only see this advert once, which is good, but it’s also hard to rant about it seeing as my memory is shot to hell. But from what I can remember from the advert is that it is based on the popular MTV show “Pimp My Ride”. It’s all animated and there’s even a little fake wigger, that’s meant to be Tim Westwood, but looks more like Vanilla Ice, although the voice sounds like Westwood. I’m sure there’s a line like; “Check out my dog,” [shot of a guy smoking] “he looks healthy but let’s check under his hood” [cuts to cartoon image of the guys lungs]. Of course smoking is bad, we all know this. And trying to keep kids from smoking is important, but why are fucking buffoons creating the adverts? “Pimp My Ride” rip-off? Really? It’s not 2007 anymore and a cartoonish-type character based on Tim Westwood is about as appetising as a dog shit sandwich. He’s not cool, he’s not “down with the youth of today”. In fact if any teenagers like him, they should smoke, so they can get cancer and die. The advert tries to act as if stopping smoking is just done simply. Why can’t these fuckwits actually talk straight to kids and not patronise them with trying to be cool? Get me on a fucking Life Without Tobacco advert, I’d tell the kids some home truths.

8) Every Single “Lawyer/Solicitor” Advert
There’s too many to name, but you know the ones; “Had a trip or a fall at work? Car accident? Stubbed your toe? Want some free money?” and all that “No win, no fee” bullshit. They all follow the same path really, some talks to you asking if you’d be injured then they tell you that you can get money, then they roll out some ugly fuckers that go on to tell you how they made some money for being clumsy idiots. These lawyers should get the fuck off my TV and get back to chasing ambulances!

7) Oven Pride – “Even a Man Can Do It”
This sickening piece of shit features a scowling woman that makes Anne Robinson look like a happy-go-lucky kinda person. In this advert the wife passes some Oven Pride to her husband and he cleans the metal grills of the oven, dancing around like a gormless prick with a stupid grin on his face that makes him look like a fucking retard! The slogan; “Even a man can do it”, makes me want to beat up my wife, luckily for her, she non-existent.

6) MoonPig
In my original draft of this list, I was stupid enough to leave this advert from the Top 5, for this I apologise, but the thing with MoonPig now is that I’ve learned to live with it much like an unwanted step-dad or the wart on my balls. It’s one of those things I’ve got used to and forgotten how much I hated it, until reminded. The whole concept of MoonPig pisses me off. Creating a card online to get sent to your loved ones! They attempt to make the point that this makes birthday cards more personal, but surely not even writing in someone’s card is the least personal thing you can do! I sincerely hope that in the owner of MoonPig catches Swine Flu, it will be ironic justice.

5) confused.com
Now, the kings of shit adverts, seeing as they seem to have a new one every-fucking-time I switch the box on! So it’s hard to attack for that one reason. I can’t pick out certain people that piss me off because by the time you read this they’ll be gone and they’re be a new collection of cunts advertising confused.com. They’ll all be talking about how confused.com saved them money; Guy#1: “I saved £200 with confused.com”, Woman #2: “I saved £30 with confused.com”, Guy #2 “I saved 45p with confused.com” and so on and so on! I saved a man from drowning once; I don’t need to go on TV and fucking brag about it! But from watching the adverts it’s clear were confused.com save the most money ... in advertising. Everything’s shot on fucking webcams! Jesus, confused.com, get it to-fucking-gether. Why should I use a company that can’t even be bothered to put any effort into advertising their product properly!

4) Pot Noodle – “High School Musical Spoof”
When companies are clearly making their adverts awful on purpose you have to question their ever deteriorating mental state. Of course this advert is supposed to be ripping off Disney’s mind-numbingly, suicide-invoking, pile of shit films High School Musical(s), but making your advert shit on purpose should be illegal. The advert ends with “I love making Pot Noodle, more fun than throwing a poodle”, clearly these people have never thrown a poodle under a speeding double-decker bus, because that is fun, lots of fun, much more fun than pouring hot water into a plastic tub containing dried up noodles. I hate this advert so much that I’d rather watch all three High School Musicals back to back, than sit through this 30 second advert!

3) MoneySupermarket.com – “Peter Jones”
“In times like these we all need to save on our household bills...” says Peter Jones (the guy that sits on the far right on Dragons’ Den) at the beginning of this advert. And of course if a multi-millionaire is doing adverts for price comparison site, times must be hard. There’s another ad, in which he rides around on a supermarket trolley like the prick he is. The fucker is so rich he’s probably never encountered a shopping trolley before (seeing as he probably pays someone to shop for him) I think that the director of the advert had to point out how the whole thing works to the smug fucker.

2) Cuprinol – “Wood Preservation Society”
This advert starts with a bunch of smiley, cheerful gardeners appearing from a shed. As soon as that shed door opens, my stress levels shoot through the roof. Then the song starts and I attempt to strangle anyone in reach, just so their choking drowns out the singing, which is dreadful, cringe-worthy and probably the theme tune to an apocalypse, in my opinion. The best bit has to be were the old woman glosses her table and then watches it in the rain. It’s a shame she isn’t struck by lightening. I like to tell myself that because she’s been stood in the rain like a fucking muppet, she’s caught the flu and hopefully kicked the bucket by now, telling myself this really helps me sleep at night. At the end of the advert, they all return to the shed, to continue their AIDs infested orgy.

1) Curanail – “Criminail”
This advert is so terrible it makes me physically sick. I’m actually gagging now as I type this because I’m having to think about it. The actress in the advert has clearly spent a good 5-10 minutes in acting school. The whole concept of fungal-nail infected toes being criminals is mind-blowing and featuring a giant toe in the advert too? What the hell is going on in the world? We all know what toes look like, even Heather Mills, and she’s only got half as many of the rest of the population. We don’t need to see filthy, giant toes on our TV! Toes and feet are disgusting in my opinion that’s why we have socks and shoes, to hide them away from the rest of mankind. And the puns, in the advert! I’m getting angry just thinking about this fucking advert! The video of Ken Bigley getting decapitated is more enjoyable than this advert. Inserting a drill-bit into your japs-eye, then turning on the drill is more enjoyable than this advert. This advert makes being gang-raped seem pleasurable.

I'll Catch Swine Flu, When Swine Flies

Swine Flu, yes I know, I’m sick of it too, but I couldn’t think of any other subject to talk about. This is more than likely the most threatening outbreak to attack our country when compared to Bird Flu, SARS and all those others seeing as people are actually dying from Swine Flu. Yet still, it’s not that bad. It’s not like the plague.

What we have to realise now is that those that are going to die from Swine Flu are people with weak immune systems, the old and the young. So it’s not as if I’m going to be majorly affected by it all, which is a good thing for me, I suppose, or though I was looking forward to having a week or two off of work.

One good thing about Swine Flu is that it may get us out of our current economic crisis. It’s likely that if a few more people kick the bucket from Swine Flu, some jobs are going to open up, so there will be less unemployed, plus some already unemployed people might get Swine Flu, once they die there will be less unemployed. Swine Flu is going to whittle down the population to a point of which we all have jobs leading to a new economic boom.

One thing about Swine Flu, I don’t quite understand is that the tabloids are calling it Pig Flu, as if their readers aren’t clever enough to understand what Swine is. If you don’t know what Swine is, you deserve Swine Flu... excuse me; Pig Flu.

As the country is in a constant paranoid state about anyone close to them that have the sniffles, I’m advising that everyone stay in doors, for your own safety. This in no way is my attempt to make people stay in doors so I can wonder freely wherever I want without bumping into people (who I don’t hate at all). I’m only thinking about you! So if you’re really that worried about Swine Flu stay inside, for your own good.

Now Employing

The following Blog is an Advertisement.

The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is looking for a young, talented, relationship-minded girl to fill the position of Ben Broughton’s Girlfriend.

You must be at least 16 (for legal reasons), have the ability to hold a conversation that isn’t about shopping or shoes, have some experience of dealing with boarder-line alcoholics and knowing how to cook would be a bonus too.

If you think you have what it takes to fill this vacancy please send us your CV, a recent photo (nude is preferred) and a list of references.

Your wage will be based on how much I love you, although bonuses can be expected at Christmas, Birthdays and Valentines Day.*

The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is an equal opportunities employer.

*If I remember.

It's all slanguage now, innit?

Language is a complicated thing. It like us, it has evolved over time. But it seems to me that older generations don’t, excuse me do not like this. For an example, I was recently in a shop and two young boys were chatting in ear shot of me and an old woman.

One of the lads said “Innit”, and the old woman turned to them and said something along these lines; “Excuse me young man, don’t say that word. It is not English, you should speak correctly.” The boy looked bemused at the old woman, as if to say “what the fuck you on about”.

She went on to explain that ‘innit’ should be pronounced properly; “isn’t it”. This is where I decided to chirp up and defend the boys.

I said to the lady; “Excuse me, but it’s not ‘isn’t it’, is it?”
“Yes, it is.” She responded.
“No it’s not.” I replied.
“Well it certainly isn’t ‘innit’, is it?” She asked.
“’Innit’ is the evolution of ‘isn’t it’, but still ‘isn’t it’, isn’t the correct word anyway.” I explained.
“Well what is it then?” She asked.
“Is it not.” I told her.
“Not what?” She asked.
“No, ‘innit’ is ‘isn’t it’, which in turn started out as ‘is it not’!” I attempted to explain. “So if you’re going to complain about the way these young boys speak, I’m going to complain to you about you not speaking correctly.” I continued.

After that the conversation got a little heated and lets just say the old lady had a little fall while me and the two lads ran out of the shop ... with her hand-bag.

Anyway, back to the point of language changing. It’s bound to happen, and while middle-aged, middle-class people think it is a bad thing, it is far from that. The way they talk is extremely different from the way people spoke in Shakespearian time, which proves that language has evolved.

So will people please stop with this bullshit, if young people want to say ‘innit’, just let them. It has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t matter if nobody was saying it when you were a child. Nobody was saying words or phrases such as “email” or “Google it”, but that doesn’t stop you from saying them now, does it?

There is no God, the proof is in Santa

The other day I came to this conclusion, that Santa Clause (a/k/a Father Christmas) is simply a form of the Christian God.

Let’s look at the “facts”. When they are depicted in films, TV or cartoons they are often seen as large white males with long white beards. This was the first thing I noticed. They are constantly watching and judging us, God decides who amongst us will get into heaven while Santa decides which children will get presents this Christmas. So we are taught to act accordingly.

They both have their ‘workers’; God has his angels, Santa has his elves. They are both running their respected fields, they are the top dogs.

As I draw on these similarities, something else struck me. The main thing that they have in common, neither of them exists! Sorry kids ... and Christians!

As I began to further this thought process I began to think that Santa Clause was created as a hint to all of us that there is no God.

Think about it for a second, they have all these things in common. The idea of Santa existing is placed in a child’s head from a young age and eventually they come to know the truth.

This is the same practice as the existence of God, yet there’s nobody to really break it to you or no real way of discovering. It’s not like you can wake up early Christmas morning to discover you’re parents listening to peoples prayers, then they break it to you; “Son, there is no God; we’ve just been pretending to be him all these years.” That can’t happen.

Santa is a manifestation of God. When you discover that Santa is not real, you also discover that God is not real. It’s a way to soften the blow, as it is easier to tell people that there is no “fat man entering your house once a year to leave gifts” than it is to tell them there is no “almighty being that created the world and us, who lives in Heaven and watches over us every second of everyday”.

Gordon Brown Should Die!

Let me just start out be saying I’m in no way plotting to kill the Prime Minister (yet, I’m waiting for Cameron to get in).

Gordon Brown was forced to wait in the wings for Tony Blair to retire for so long. He must have had sleepless nights for years. Just waiting and waiting and waiting. Then after following America to into a never ending war Blair finally stepped down and Brown stepped up. His time had finally come.

That was then, this is now.

Gordon Brown could quite possibly go down as the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had. The poor one-eyed bastard! It was a failure from the get go.

Without a doubt the odds have been stacked against him. Firstly I’ve seen carpets with more charisma than the guy and that’s not good for someone leading a country. Secondly, he got into power without being voted in, so it’s not like he was wanted in the first place. So he had to try and win us (the British public) over, but that never really happened.

Some much shit has gone down; floods, credit crunch, recession, MPs expenses, his own party plotting against him, most of his party abandoning him, losing the local elections ... Yes he can’t be blamed for much of it. But he’s in charge so he gets the blame.

Clearly things haven’t gone to plan for Gordon. But I have come up with a plan for the man. He must die. The only thing to save Brown now is death.

I’m not saying suicide. In no way I am hinting that the man should kill himself.

But what I’ve just recently learned is no matter what you’ve done (or what people think you’ve done) in the past, it will all be forgotten as soon as you die. I am of course talking about Michael Jackson.

Jacko, as some people (to lazy to type/say his full name) call him, is dead (thought I’d make that clear in case you’ve somehow not yet picked up a newspaper, watched TV, listened to the radio, logged on to the internet* or had any social interaction with another human over the last couple of days)! Now people and the Media are mourning this guy like he was the second coming of Christ.

A man famous for making music, but somehow managed to spend more time defending himself in court over charges of molesting children than he did in the studio recording albums. A man so against the norm that he ‘de-tanned’ from birth. For fuck sake the man dangled his child out of a hotel window (I bet you forgot about that one didn’t you?!).

Now, I was never a fan of Jackson, I understand that he made (what some would call) great albums. I know that you don’t get the title “King of Pop” by accident, just like you don’t get labelled a ‘paedophile’ over many years by accident. But I seem to feel that before he passed away he wasn’t really that popular. I know he still had his die hard fans, but amongst the general public, nobody really gave a flying fuck about the guy. When was the last time you were moon-walking to Billie Jean before he died? Yeah, I fucking thought so!

It reminds me slightly of Jade Goody. She was hated, she got ill and see was being labelled the “People’s Princess”! The Media is to blame of course, for pushing these ‘celebrities’ down our throats 24/7, but while I choke on the shit they feed, a large amount of people eat it up. This is the way it goes now; death is the best thing to happen in your career. Goody kept feeding the newspapers what they wanted for a fee. Jackson’s sales have gone through the roof. I’m willing to bet he’s made more money in the last five days than he has in the last five years.

This is what could happen to Brown. If he dropped dead right now, the newspapers and TV would mourn him. They’d be calling him “One of the Greatest PMs we ever had”. His death would create his legacy. All the rest of it would go out the window (like Jackson’s kid).

... either that or nobody would care.

*I understand that by reading this you have logged on to the internet, but maybe you have my Blog set as your homepage, so hypothetically speaking this would be the first time you read it!