Not Nice To Meet Me

I was recently approached by a new acquaintance of mine, who admitted to me that when he first met me he didn’t like me. This took place at a party, which was attended by some of my closest friends. When he said that, my initial reaction was; “OK, that’s cool.” But then all of a sudden some of my best friends started nodding in agreement. My first reaction was one that most people would more than likely take; “Fuck the lot of you. Cunts!” Of course I didn’t say this out loud, no need to cause a scene. But I was certainly thinking it at an increased volume, much louder than the usual thoughts I hear in my head; “Drink”, “Keep drinking” and “Don’t strangle anyone ... yet”. In fact “Fuck the lot of you. Cunts” was even able to drown out those voices, which bought what could only be described as a small moment of clarity for me. But clarity aside, the comments made by my acquaintance and friends did hurt my feelings.

This has stuck with me since then and now I’m having a self-renewal of myself and my actions. Which is fucking depressing. I beg of you, never embark on such a thing. Self-analysis is for heroin addicts in rehab and rich Hollywood stars that can afford an expensive psychiatrist. Simply put; it’s not for us ‘normal folk’.

It’s so hard to delve into what I could possibly do that could make it so people don’t like me when first encountering me. So I begin to pay close attention of how I act around new people. One thing I quickly picked up on was when I meet new people I ask them a simple question; “Would you rather be a Jew or a Muslim?” And while most people go with Jew (almost everyone so far); I have my next question prepared; “Is it because all Jews are rich?”/“Is it because all Muslims are terrorists?” Yes, these are stereotypes, and no I don’t believe they are true (apart from the Jewish one). But I’ve began to realise that putting someone in the middle of a heated debate like this might not be the best way of making friends. Especially since I continue to belittle them in front of everyone surrounding and I’m usually meeting people for the first time at parties or pubs. And it turns out people don’t go to the pub to be grilled by someone they’ve just met about the religion and whether or not the (illegal) occupation of Palestine is a good or bad thing (Yeah – it was news to me too, turns out people go to pubs to drink).

Which brings me nicely on to my second subject of self-analysis; drinking. I fucking love to drink. Love it. If I could have sex with drinking, I would, that’s how much I love drinking. I love drinking more than I love my family, my friends, my girlfriend, my other girlfriend, my collection of Clipper lighters and anything else I own. And while my Alcoholic’s Anonymous team leader believes that I should stop (I just think she’s wrong and a G&T would soon change her mind) because “drink will eventually ruin my life”. You see, like I previously stated I usually meet new people at parties and the pub and 11 times out of ten, I’ll be pissed. Not just merry, I mean fucking wasted. I’ve met friends of friends over 30 times on different occasions and some of them have yet to see me sober (hey, but so have some of my lecturers). Often people don’t recognise me when I’m sober (which usually turns out to be a good thing). Of course, although I don’t like to admit it, I am at the end of the day only human. So drink has the same affect on me that it does on everyone else; it makes me fucking hilarious. Honestly, I’m quick-witted when sober, but after a drink I’m even quicker. Although when I’m sober I have a self-censor working in my brain, which makes me not bring up certain subjects or bypass quick-witted responses to what someone else has said. But after a sufficient amount of alcohol it’s all fair game; “How far do you think you could throw a foetus in a plastic bag?” Calling girls I’ve just met “bitches”. I just can’t seem to stop. To be fair, I’m surprised I don’t get hit more often.

So, that’s all I can come up with for reasons why people don’t like me when first meeting me. Which, seems a little strange to me, but asking someone a simple question and/or being drunk seem like minor problems, not enough to dislike someone form the get go. Maybe there’s some other aspect of my personality that I’m missing, maybe in my self-analysis I’ve completely bypassed that one major floor that makes newly met people not accept me straight away. Or maybe people are just fucking stupid. Because in the end, they like me. So maybe it’s them that have the problem, not me. Yeah, that sounds about right actually, it’s them not me. They should be grateful that someone such as myself would even let them be introduced to me in the first place. I know I’m not perfect, but still I’m much better than 90% of the oxygen-wasting human beings cluttering up the world.