Wipe Power!

While returning to the squalor that is my home town for the “Festive Season” to “enjoy the company of my family” and stock up on deodorant/shower gift sets, I had some lively debates in the place where all arguments get aired out [and started]; the public house. Of course the topics were nothing trailblazing, it was the same old shit that gets spouted on a daily basis over pint pots up and down the country; racism, the class system, what a twat David Cameron is, whom amongst us has the most pitiful existence [I still think it's me, so go fuck yourselves] and what a cunt David Cameron is. Yet one debate wasn't run of the mill and got extremely heated, I'm talking two verbs and an adjective from a bottle getting smashed, a face getting sliced and a sentence getting handed down. That debate; What is the correct way to wipe your bottom.

Now this debate wasn't the most detailed, as we never got on to aspects as important as to fold the paper or scrunch it up, to be fair we didn't even touch on how many sheets [of toilet paper] is ample for cushioning the excrement to avoid the dreaded splash black. This debate raged over one simple aspect; do you stand or sit to wipe?

Take to two seconds to answer this question, although it's probably not best to vocalise it if you're in a crowded area. If you're thinking; “Well I kind of sit on the fence” … I say to you; “Why the fuck are you sitting on the fence while you take a shit, buy a toilet!”

OK, from my extended research I've found that the majority of people sit to wipe, so if you also sit to wipe; congratulations, you're one of the many! So if you stand to wipe that inevitably means you are one of the few but congratulations to you because you're right.

While this wasn't the first time I've had this conversation, this was the first time it was done on a large scale, leading to my previous results [before hand it was a 50/50 split] being totally incorrect. The first time I found out people sat to wipe, it was an eye opening experience. It had never occurred to me that this was possible or even practiced. It was a real shock to the system, as wiping one's anus is a daily task undertaken by everyone [apart from Kim Jong-il according to North Korea propaganda sources]. Finding out there was a different way to approach this task was like discovering that most people do a handstand over the toilet while they piss.

Some may feel that seeing as they are in the minority over such a detail that they are the amongst the individuals going about this act in the incorrect way, whereas I've gave this plenty of thought – probably too much thought, but then again what else do I have happening in my life?

Why Standing to Wipe is Better:

Let's start off by saying if you sit to wipe you're a lazy fucker. You can't even be arsed to attend to your arse properly. I've tried sitting down to wipe [after hearing everyone else did it, I thought I'd give it ago to see what I was missing] and it's difficult to 'attend to the problem' [that's the nicest way I could think of writing; it's fucking hard to reach your arsehole successfully when sat on the throne]. This is what's wrong with this country; too many people too lazy to stand to wipe their bums! Get off the porcelain, wipe your shitter, wash your hands and get a fucking job.

When you stand to wipe you are the perfect position to view what you've just excreted. I firmly believe that all humans have an a massive interest in what their bodies produce. If some substance is expelled from your body you are instantly curious about it, so it's only right to have a good look at it. It's hard to get a decent view of your toilet deposit when you're sat over it.

When your stood up wiping your more ready to tackle possible intruders. Now, I've never had anyone break into my home but for the purpose of this [extremely important] blog, let's say an intruder enters my home while I'm on the bog. I have no idea he's in the house and it's time to wipe;

Scenario One: Sat.
So I'm sat on the toilet wiping my ring piece when the intruder kicks the [bathroom] door down and enters [as with most homes, we keep all our valuables in the bathroom in case you wondered why an intruder would want to enter our bathroom]. At first he's taken aback by the smell, but as I stand and struggle to get my jeans on, he's overcome the stench and stabbed me to death.

Scenario Two: Stood.
So I'm stood in the bathroom wiping, door kicked down, intruder. He's taken back by the smell and the fact that some blokes there with his cock out, this gives me twice as much time to act [compared to sitting], in one swift move I lift one leg from my jeans, run at the intruder and kick him in the face Tony Jaa style leaving him with severe brain damage.


In all honesty, it's rare that I actually write something heartfelt on my blog but I honestly think this sit/stand to wipe argument is in all seriousness one of the most important things I've ever written and I doubt I'll ever be able to channel my focus on a topic so close to my heart ever again. I hope you've had a couple of chuckles along the way, but please take this matter seriously, I don't want you to leave this webpage now and just forget about what you've read, I want you to act upon it. If you're a sitter, try standing and if you're a stander, keep standing [you're the one doing it correctly after all]. Bring up this subject at work, in the playground [if you're a student that is, if you're out of school DO NOT go into a playground asking children how they wipe their bums], at family dinners to get people sharing. Write to your local MP ask him/her their opinions on the matter and what is their political parties' stance on sitting/standing. Start a Facebook group. Get it trending on Twitter. Tattoo your allegiance to your forehead.

Happy Wiping.