Like quite a few people these days I have an overactive fixation with the dead [in a non-necrophilia way] and the inevitable zombie apocalypse. But I’m more than just some Walking Dead geek-boy, I’m actually looking forward to the day that the dead roam the streets feasting on the living.
Before we get into it, let me just clarify that when I’m speaking on zombies, I’m actively talking about the classic zombie; Dawn of the Dead/The Walking Dead type; slow moving hordes, not the 28 Days Later/I Am Legend; hordes of cannibalistic Usain Bolt’s charging at you. In my mind, the main aspect of zombies is that on paper they are slow, stupid, primitive beings, easy to escape from/kill individually, but the scary threat is eventually they will catch up with you, they’re a bit like killer bees in that aspect; easy to take out one but a whole load of them is trouble, obviously bees just sting, the undead devour on your innards [keep that in mind]. The super fast zombies are too much, it’s uncalled for! When the apocalypse begins and if it’s the sprinting undead I’m dealing with, I’d rather just kill myself than have to spend my life dodging those bastards because you don’t stand a chance.
Obviously, I’ve educated myself on telltale signs of the apocalypse, so I know when to act. [I’m not going to point out the signs; it’s up to you to teach yourself, it’s the zombie apocalypse people!! No time for humane gestures, that shit’s straight out the window, if I taught you everything I knew, there’d be less zombie bait around]. Now, I’m not one of those idiots that says shit like; “Wouldn’t it be cool if zombies did happen, I’d be right on the streets smashing skulls open with a baseball bat”, because firstly there’s no ‘ifs’, it will happen and also, trying to play the hero like that turns you from a buff buffoon into a buffet. That’s the first reason I’m looking forward to ‘the event’, it’s really going to separate those that act on emotions or ill thought out plots with those of us that take in our surroundings and formulate plans [that's plans, plural; Plan A-Z in case some shit you didn’t expect goes down].
When the inevitable shit hits the fan, things are going to be difficult for us British. In films there’s a whole heap of weapons used against zombies, of course the primary weapon is usually a firearm [that’s a gun, not a body part set alight to strike zombies in the face]. Now, guns aren’t readily available in the UK which leads to less psychopaths shooting up schools, but makes defending ourselves from the undead more problematic. So we have to be constantly vigilant as to what items around us could be used as weapons. For example, right now I’m sat at my PC desk [the usual place I sit at to write], if a zombie was to just shuffle into my bedroom this instant [which is impossible, my house is extremely secure from zombies and home invaders and bailiffs, but this is just a hypothetical situation], what do I have to use as a weapon? Nothing you may think, but you’d be wrong, have a quick look around the room and there are plenty of items that could be used for putting down a ‘walker’; chin-up bar [a bar you fix to the walls to do chin-ups/pull-ups]; it’s not set up as I have plenty of upper body strength, plus it’s heavy and long enough for me not to get too close to the being, nine empty bottles of Southern Comfort plus three empty bottles of wine [I drink too much, enough said]; handy for throwing at the zombies head and keeping my distance, I’m not the best at throwing stuff but I have twelve attempts, a massive plank of wood from my dismantled bed; again heavy and I get to keep my distance. Now, if none of those worked, I’d be in a bit of a predicament and I’d have to opt for closer combat to make sure I didn’t end up as a tasty human hors d’oeuvre. Luckily for me I have a screwdriver on my desk; perfect for lodging into a zombies brain, a wine glass [I’ve already said; enough said on this matter]; smash it, yet another item to be plunged into the face, make shift hooks for coats/jackets; easily detachable from my wardrobe door into a zombie’s skull. But if none of those worked, I’d easily escape the zombie’s grasp and run out of my room like a coward [my bedroom is spacious, I could dodge two zombies in here, don’t try to dodge a zombie in a box room, you’re just asking for trouble]. Now for a little exercise, take in your surroundings and see what’s available to you to use if you were met by a zombie right this minute.
I hope you didn’t get hypothetically eaten!
Hopefully, with the little insights I’ve shared, I’ve proven I’d last a while into the apocalypse, which is the place I want to be. After the initial break out, the confusion, the first massive wave of deaths, the fall of governments, emergency services and so forth is when it gets good. This is the world I really romanticise; the lawlessness of survival, because that’s all life becomes; survival, how beautifully Darwinian. The entire strains of society and modern day life have broken down; no religion, no job, no bills, no politics, no laws, no money, there’s practically nothing apart from you and them. Sometimes it seems like we just drift through life not really living it the way we should, be once the apocalypse begins everyday will be wonderful; “Wow, didn’t get eaten yesterday, hope today brings more of the same”. 99% of our troubles and fears would be based around one giant feature; zombies.
Wouldn’t life just seem so much easier?
Apart from the threat of being devoured alive.
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