Now, I’m a notoriously antisocial son of a bitch [no offence to my mother], but luckily in the limited amount of time I’ve spent on this doomed rock we call Earth, I’ve adapted the basics of social interaction. Most of this comes from the rare times my mum was able to tear herself away from the bottle long enough to point of valuable advice [yes offence to my mother]; while others I’ve kind of collected along the way like my surprising wide compilation of sexually transmitted infections. Anyway, although I’m not a people person, every once in a while I like to divulge what I’ve learnt onto lesser beings also inhabiting this doomed rock [that’s YOU, reader], in an attempt at making my rare social interactions slightly more pleasant and leave me less likely to jab my house keys into the jugulars of people. So I’ve compiled a simple list of hints and tips for interacting in society. Read them. Practice them. Don’t get key jabbed in the jugular.
Excuses, Excuses, Excuses…
At what point did it become not just acceptable, but the norm to simply start talking to people? I’m no great conversationalist, I’ve mentioned a few times I have two topics of discussion [best ways to drown kittens and overly long descriptions including; size, weight, colour and smell of my defecation], but that’s not the kind of talking I’m talking about, I’m talking about the talking in which a talker just starts talking to you [know what I’m talking about yet?] without an opener. That sentence that grabs your attention, so you know someone is talking to you and you can concentrate on what they are saying, so you can respond. Sentences like; “Excuse me,”, “I beg your pardon”, I’d even settle for an “Oi, mate”.
These need to be used. Without them I’m too busy daydreaming; “All in one sack with a brick… or individual sacks with a brick each?” and I’ll simply suspect that any jabbering on in the background has nothing to do with me.
I think this is all to do with people’s unjustified self belief that all the attention is primarily aimed at them constantly. They skip through life thinking that the rest of us are hanging on their every word, so they have no need for openers for conversations, in their minds we should be grateful they are even speaking to us. I hate those egotistical pricks… who do they think they are? Ben Broughton?
Taking your hygiene personally…
Now we all have a bit of a hum about us from time to time. I, myself, often avoid the shower a few days at a time, like a lucky Jew in a concentration camp circa 1934 [but not 1935, poor bastard]. But I like to think I never leave the house stenching like some individuals.
You’ve all smelt them. It’s the odorous mix of must, sweat and urine. I don’t know at one point a person starts to carry an aroma worse than public toilets in the slums of Mumbai without noticing. Clearly these people have relationship issues, because if there’s nobody in your life that loves you enough to point out the scent you’re giving off is causing dogs two blocks away to vomit their guts out of their eye sockets, you must be a lonely individual.
This obviously doesn’t just extend to personal relationships either. Clearly you don’t have any workmates or they would have pointed it out much sooner. Who wants to turn up to work and breathe through their garments constantly for eight fucking hours?
So here’s the thing; wash your clothes, wash your hair, wash you face, wash your body, learn the correct toilet process. Then you can re-enter society.
Be Polite…
I know it seems a little odd coming from someone like me to say this, but politeness is a must have. I tend to think I act politely in public; I hold open doors, I mind my Ps & Qs and don’t flick cigarette nubs into passing prams.
Just treat people as you expect to be treated, if you talk to me like I’m a piece of dog shit don’t be surprised when I treat you like a piece of dog shit and step all over you with new trainers on.
And if you’re having a bad day don’t bring your fucking negativity around other people, just piss off home and cry in a corner like normal folk.
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