Dealing with Criticism Vol. 1

If you head over to my Why I Hate ... Drum & Bass post, you'll find a funny little rant, if you head to comments section you'll find some mu'fuckahs hating on my craft, but you'll also find me hating on some mu'fuckahs. 

If you're too lazy to click a link, just look below [their comments are in italics]; 
 What’s the fucking deal with Drum & Bass heads? Do you have to have your sense of humour surgically removed to like that genre of music?

OK, I don’t like Drum & Bass, but I don’t hate it you fucking idiots, it’s all been exaggerated for comical effect!

“Wow this type of childlike complaining is whats gonna get u no where in life” … is it? And how far in life is commenting on blogs that you don’t fully understand because your miniscule intelligence can’t properly gauge what the fuck it’s about, getting you? Your childlike spelling and use of grammar isn’t going to get you any further than me, dickface … or should I say; u no use words gud, dkhed! So go and put on some Drum & Bass and drop a pill, nah, fuck that double drop … oh wait, you’re no sissy, quadruple drop … fuck that, just keep shovelling pills down your throat and dust up your nose until your convulsing cadaver twitches in time to the beat, you cunt!

“U sad sad person. Go listen to ur.classical shit lol” … Firstly, structure a fucking sentence correctly! Or maybe you can’t because all those heavy bass beats have knocked out that primary school education you had out of your head! Clearly I’m missing the mark with you and this blog, because if you’re willing to “lol” at your own; “Go listen to your classical shit” my comical rants are too advanced for a mind like yours… because if “Go listen to your classical shit” actually made you laugh out loud, I can’t compete with such wisely crafted, humorous writing like that! I love what choice of music you do think I listen to too; classical. Do you even understand how fucking ridiculous you sound? You’re basically saying; “Go and listen to that genre of music that’s withstood the test of time so well and is so brilliant people are still listening to it this day, in fact it’s so important, it’s be given the title of; classical, because it’s classic!” You fucking moron. 

Fuck you both; by commenting on this blog you’ve done more damage to the genre you hold so dearly to your drug-abused-withered hearts by exposing the fact that D&B heads look like fucking imbeciles that can’t take a joke. Peace.

Sketch: Is it not; Innit?

Hello reader, this month; February, you’ll see little to no activity on this Blog. This is because I’ll be attempting to use all my spare time in writing sketches and one-liners in an attempt to have them accepted by BBC Radio Sketch Show; Newsjack.

This sadly means that my rants and random lists will be put on hold for the time being, as everything I have yet to post is deemed “too personal” and will be likely to offend friends and loved ones.

So, here’s a sketch I wrote:

Is it not; Innit

Visit; Ben Broughton’s Sketches for more half-arsed sketches.

How to Make Your Blog More Popular

Hey Blogger, are you fiending for more hits than an army of jonesing smack-heads? If so, this is your lucky day. I know there's plenty of other Bloggers out there offering you up tips, but this is the right place to come. Because I'm just like you, apart from probably being much more better looking and successful with females. But I understand that there are millions of Blogs out on the internet and sometimes it's frustrating that some shitty Blog has hundreds of Followers while you just have a measly 19... and one of them is you! So if you're trying to increase traffic to your Blog to get it noticed, you have come to the correct place.

Get Your Product of There by Any Means
Firstly you need to get the word out there to the public. There are many ways to do this, most of them illegal, but hopefully you don't care about a criminal record. Start off small, write your Blog address on bus seats with a marker pen. Once you've done that buy [or steal] so white stickers and spend a day repeatedly writing out your Blog address then go sticking them around everywhere – McDonalds Drive-Thru is an excellent place to start. Write your Blog address on pieces of paper and go into a book shop, leave the bits of paper in books that follow the same/similar subjects as your Blog. Then step up your game. If a friend passes out around you [due to drinking] tattoo their forehead with a your website – now they're you're walking, talking advert for the rest of their lives – unless they wear a hat! Vandalise a national monument by tagging your Blog's address in spray-paint. Have a child and name it after your Blog; “Ahh... my first son; www.benbroughton.blogspot.com”, that's bound to get media attention, yes your child will be tormented for the rest of his/her life, but just image all the traffic you're going to get!

After a while you may want to aim your Blog towards your target audience. For example my target audience is; Young Offenders aged 14-26. So I often get myself arrested so I can spend a night in the cell, once in the cell I inscribe the walls with my website address. My other target audience is Slutty Girls aged 14-26, so I often go down to the local abortion clinic giving out my card. You'll have to come up with your own ways to promote towards your target audience.

Name Drop Famous People alongside 'Pop Words'
Search Engines, such as Google, can be great for directing people towards your Blog, so mention as many famous people as possible. To set yourself out from the rest add a pop word to it. By pop word I mean something exciting – usually sexually based. For example;

P. Diddy Rapes a Midget
Lady Gaga Ball Fall [a Ball Fall is like a Nip Slip – but it's when a testicle falls out]
David Cameron & Margaret Thatcher Sex Tape Leak

I'll probably get loads more views just because of those randomly thrown together words. You will too. Obviously you can't just blurt them out as I did, try to incorporate them into your subject somehow; “I had a great day today, went to the shop and thought I saw Justin Bieber performing a sexual act on a tramp, but when I looked again is was just a bunch of flowers, silly me!”

Use Interesting Blog Titles
Don't twat about like a twat, get them hooked straight away. For example, I was recently searching for “How to Make Your Blog More Popular” and then I thought; 'I bet loads of people Google that', then I came up with an idea to write my own guide to how to make Blogs more popular – which got you here, that's a victory for me. You see, these techniques really do work, you reading this is the proof.

Free Downloads
Everyone loves free stuff, that's a scientific fact. So just post loads of links to MP3s and Videos, just don't get caught. If you do get caught, don't tell them were you got the idea.

Utilise the Rest of the Web
Bombard Facebook Friends with messages, yes it's a Facebook taboo, but do it anyway. Upload a video to YouTube, that consists of you talking about how great your Blog is but entitle it; “New Blink-182 Song. 2011 Leak!”. Just don't read the comments from YouTubers calling for your execution. Hack a celebrity's Twitter account and Tweet to all their followers about how great your Blog is.

Where's Walters?
Is a stolen technique from my friend Mark Walters, but it is based on the oldest technique for promotion; word of mouth. Do as Mark did and randomly shout out the name of your website wherever you are; at the pub, on the bus, at a funeral. Wherever there's people, there's an audience to listen to you bellow out your website's name.

So there we go, six sure ways to increase traffic to your Blog. No need to send me your thanks. Just send me a cheque.

Just to let you ... NO!! Not all my work!!

Hello. 

This is not an actual Blog post, well it is, but it’s not if you get my drift. I’m just informing anyone that will read this (that’s you), that I have not died. 

I’m sure some vicious rumours of be in circulation; that I was found face down in a bath full of Southern Comfort (not true), I was beaten into a coma by a Bangkok lady-boy (also not true), I was arrested on account of indecent exposure (no comment). 

The fact is my PC recently picked up a virus (proof machines do emulate their masters) and I have been yet to restore the piece of shit to it’s usual self. In the process I have lost a large amount of work; Blogs I was working on, short stories and scripts. Of course this has put me on the back foot (that’s putting it likely). With me being an absolute fool, I rarely back up any work even though I was working with a PC that has displayed endless amounts of problems for the years that I’ve had it. In the future I will adopt what I like to call the Onyx procedure and back-the-fuck-up (bacdafucup - quite a good joke, although I’m sure 99.9% of people not get it). 

I’m still yet to be in the possession of a computer that is able to correct to the glorious thing that is the internet, so I’m limited to I can do. This is, of course, an horrendous ordeal for me because most activities in my life revolve around the internet. It has given me a chance to read books, but they’re barely interactive, no wonder they’re a dying form of medium. 

I’m quite unhappy that although I have been away for over a month I have no new followers. Damn you people. All I have in my life is my Blog and my happiness is measured on how many people follow me. I want to be stalked. 

Anyway, this has just been a senseless rambling. If you missed the point, I was poorly trying to make, I’ll sum it up now for you; I have no internet access, everything I was working on has been lost. Usual rants and shit such as that will return as soon as these problems are fixed. 

Peace. 

Ben Broughton

*I’d like to note that this was written on a Mac, that’s set to US style spelling and I have no idea how to change it to (real - yeah, I said it) English. For all their apparent great abilities, they surely are fucking annoying. Although the worst aspect has to be that fact the ‘ctrl & c’ isn’t ‘Copy’, instead you have to press ‘c’ and the bloody ‘Apple Key’ (aka ‘cmd’). That really annoys me. 

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Today marks the second anniversary of The Misadventures of Ben Broughton. Kudos to me for being arsed to carry this shit on. For something different, I’m going to post a Video (Ohhh!) of me (Wow!) … rapping (Ohhh!).

I asked my Housemate/Friend if I could make a ‘diss’ song about him and he agreed, he’s yet to see it though. He said as long as I don’t mention his family name or say anything about his mother, it was fine, this actually pissed me off because after the ‘no mum’ rule I had to remove the whole second and third verses. The video’s not great, as it took my ages to get the verse right. Oh yea, I wigger-ed up too. Enjoy.

Big thanks to all those people that come back to read my shitty rants and so on.

Something NEW, Just For YOU

Well I’m back, not that I ever left, but anyway, I’m here again, I suppose.

A handful of people have been asking when I’m going to write something new so I thought I would. Not that I have anything to write about, but hey, you probably have nothing better to read, that’s why you’re here.

I’d like to respond to some recent allegations made about me, so that’s what I’m going to do;

“I’ve got nothing to write about.”
Although this is sometimes true, seeing as I just stated that myself a couple of milliseconds ago, it’s not always the case. There’s always something to write about, it’s just that I can’t be bothered sometimes. I do have a life; a job, university, a girlfriend (sorry ladies ... and a couple of blokes) and a severe drinking problem. These things do take up a lot of my personal time, so there’s not always hours in the day to sit at my shitty PC (that’s inching ever-so-fucking-close to me kicking 50 Gigabytes of shit out of it) and come up with ideas and funny little things to rant about. Plus people only ever want to talk to me about my Blog when I haven’t done anything for a while, example; “You haven’t written anything in a while.” Fuck you! Where’s your fucking Blog? I never get positive feedback, I never hear; “Really liked your last Blog.” Instead I get; “You haven’t done much recently, and what I have read wasn’t that good.” Ins-fucking-piring moral building technique there! Let me just clarify that I’m not a fucking dancing monkey you flick peanuts at! I’m a fucking person, that has a hobby in writing, you don’t tell me when to write or what to write. All you do is sit on your fucking arse and read what I write and maybe chuckle if you find something funny.

“I’m not as funny because I’m happy.”
This little comment started to rear its ugly face about four months ago when I started going out with my girlfriend, because heaven forbid I get myself into a normal relationship. People say that misery loves company, they’re wrong, misery inspires comedy. I’ll be the first to admit that misery does make me a funnier person, but just because there’s no misery in my love life (yet), doesn’t mean I’m a happy go lucky person all of a sudden. I’m a miserable person, there’s always something that will bring misery to me. If I was ever to reach a point in my life were I was truly happy, I’d climb a high building and declare it to the world then jump to my death. Because happiness is a fleeting thing, a bit like diarrhoea, one day you have it, the next day you don’t. Gone in a flush. So if I was to ever be truly happy with my life, I’d end it, because unlike that song, things could only get worse. Happiness could only turn back into misery, so you may as well go out on top like a drug addled prostitute doing the reverse cowgirl position on a client as her heart stops.

Anyway, it’s nice to be back. And it’s nice to be able to post something for all you guys to be critical about. I’m looking forward to the feedback. I understand it’s not much, but it’s just something new for you. And while it not measure up to previous Blogs, soon enough this dancing monkey will be entertaining you again, so next time bring some fucking peanuts.

Shameless Promotion

As some people have pointed out to me recently; I’m grotesque, but also a fewer amount of people have pointed out that I’m not blogging as much as I usually do. This is for many reasons, one being my alcoholism, another being that I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown and the final being because I once again have writer’s block.

But fear not little minions, because I have a new little bastard baby for you to gawp at as I prepare to ingest a concoction of illegal drugs to help diminish my writer’s block.

My new bastard baby is The British Standard. A sort of spoof newspaper, in which I’ll twist certain true news stories into stupid stories. I’ll also try my hand at being satirical and when that fails I’ll simply create more bullshit stories.

Issue One is already completed and uploaded, clearly there are still a few items to sort out, but I’ll get there eventually. It’s quite poor; it was rushed because I wanted to get it out to get the ball rolling. So check it out, I hope you’ll enjoy.

The British Standard

Happy 1st Birthday!

Exactly one year ago today I was sad and high enough to create this Blog. And despite my best efforts to kill myself with drink, drugs and unprotected sex with 80 year old whores, I’m still here Blogging. When I created this Blog, I never expected I’d stick at it and also I thought that people wouldn’t read it seeing as whenever I bought up the topics (I’ve covered) in the ‘real world’ people looked at my as if I’d just molested and eaten a kitten in front of them. But it’s nice to know that people out there are just and sick and pathetic as me.

The original idea was for me to do a mega-post today, but sadly I’ve been distracted by my shitty life! And much like birthday’s of my family members I forgot about the Blog’s birthday until the last minute, so these few Blogs I post today are the equivalent of a crappy birthday card and half dead bunch of flowers from the all night garage.