So I recently turned the ripe age of 23. While most people will tell you adulthood begins at either 18 or 21, they are sadly mistaken, 23 is the age of adulthood. 21 is the last age of your youth, and the year you spend being 22 is the transition year.
So this is adulthood now, I’m no longer getting older, now I’m getting old.
The thing is since I turned 23 my life has changed dramatically. While I’m still easily annoyed by an endless amount of parasites that plague our world, maybe more now than before, but I’ve lost the will to verbally assault these imbeciles. I no longer possess the answers that I would have previously, to the question; “What shall we do about these fucks?”
And while I’m currently suffering from Fresher’s Flu, a bad back (which might be a sign of getting old, already) and a lack of funding from my loan company, I’m still unable to channel my anger and frustration into writing anything of worth.
Blogging is a young man’s game like finger fucking slags behind bike sheds and my fingers don’t smell like pube-less vagina ... it you get my drift.
So as the future looks the bleakest since the last attempted to hang myself I have released that this is life. It’s just bleak, morbid and pointless. Now when I look back at adults telling me that my youth would be the best time of my life I no longer think of them as fucking losers that never achieved anything themselves, I see them as prophets of reality, I should have taken heed to what they were saying and enjoyed my youth a little more.
While my previous life plan involved plenty of great achievements for me I’m starting to think more realistically. Whereas before I was pinning my hopes on writing for TV shows, now I’ll settle with picking up rubbish for the council at 5.00am in the morning after a busy night enjoyed by young people that have yet to realise that no matter what they do they’re worthless. Just specks on faecal matter on the toilet bowl of the world.
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
The Funny Side of Terrorism
You may think clowns are harmless, but they’re not. I recently learned that behind that make-up and underneath those baggy clothes is a terrorist. All clowns are terrorists!
I understand that because of Americanism and the media that many of the population believe that a terrorist has to be a Muslim, but this is not the case; anyone can be a terrorist... Timothy McVeigh? or the I.R.A?
So let me just make it clear, that clowns have no ties to any religion. What most people (who aren’t clowns) don’t know is that almost 98% of clowns are linked by secret societies. The biggest being ‘The Clown Conglomerate’ (or ‘CC’ for short).
The CC was first put together in the Medieval Times by Jesters, it has since grown and spread. Sectors have been set up all over the world and all answer to the headquarters, which are believed to be in the Kent area, but nobody is sure (apart from those clowns at highest level of The CC).
The Clown Conglomerate used to be all about how to be a clown, how to make children laugh and what-not, but around 14 years ago a clown by the name of Bibbles became the head of The CC. Bibbles took it upon himself to begin spreading his ideology (“putting the ‘fun’ into fundamental”) about how clowns are the chosen ones. That humour is the greatest emotion that people can feel, better than love, and that seeing as clowns made people laugh, they were the most important people to walk the face of the Earth.
His ideas began to spread. Secret clown conferences were held all over the world with Bibbles addressing fellow clowns. He was looked upon to be a saviour to clowns, in a world were clowns were becoming less popular and coulrophobia was rife actions were needed.
The turning point was when Bibbles addressed a gathering of 3,000 clowns, which were made up of clowns from all over the world that headed up their countries particular sector of The Clown Conglomerate. He made a Hitler-esque speech that would go down as the major turning point for clowns all over the world. He ended it; “So people are coulrophobic! So people are scared of clowns? They’re scared of the chosen ones? Well we’ll give them something to be scared of ... laughing so hard they’ll piss their pants in public!”
From that moment on clowns across the globe started developing terrorist plans to launch on the innocent public. These would be none violent attacks, instead they were “attacks of laughter” (said Bibbles). The idea was to somehow remind the people of the world that clowns are funny. Clowns in Sri Lanka developed a belt that was packed with light explosives and bombs of confetti, the idea was that clowns would wear these belts on busy buses or busy trains and then at some stage in the journey stand up and set the belt off, which would cause masses of confetti to explode from the belt all over the people on the bus/train. They called this belt the ‘Bibbles Belt’, after their ‘great’ leader.
For months The CC worked on plans that would take place on a certain day, a day that they believed would go down in history as the funniest day ever.
With plans finalised the date was set, but before everything went down there had to be a test run.
The test run took place at a British airport. 20 clowns were involved. From what I have learned it went down like this;
At around 10.25 am a mini pulled up in the drop off area of the airport. As soon as it stopped one clown jumped out, followed by another, then another, then another. The fourth clown to jump out had some technical difficulties with his ‘Bibbles Belt’, and it went off prematurely sending confetti into the air, the explosion caused Airport Police to rush to the scene. By the time the 7th clown was out of the car the Airport Police had opened fire. Bullets tore through the clowns leaving remnants of baggy clothes and brightly coloured wigs all over the place. One witness, who was willing to talk, told me it was a “massacre”. The clowns kept pouring out of the car and the police kept shooting. By the end of it 19 clowns were dead and one was in critical condition.
The government decided to act fast and cover-up what had taken place by cleaning up the area and taking any witnesses into confident.
The CC quickly abandoned their plans for ‘the funniest day ever’ and key players such as Bibbles went into hiding.
To this day nobody knew outside of The CC and the government knew the details of this, and I feel I’m putting my own life at risk sharing it, but from what I have gathered (which in my opinion is just the tip of the iceberg) there’s much more to what really happened with The CC and what they were really planning.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Young, Dumb & filled with Cum
Young, single mums! Aren’t they great ... no, of course they’re not.
By young mums I mean any girls (yes, girls) aged between 8 and 20. If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately (which may have been hard seeing as the leading newspaper available on the internet; The British Standard, is down) you may have noticed that Britain is more populated than ever because there are more kids ... having kids.
Now, let me just point out I’m still sitting on the fence about this whole “have children to carry on human existence” thing, to be honest it’s not looking to bright for civilisation so in order to save ourselves we may have to stop reproducing and die out altogether ... but this is a tricky subject and I’m getting off topic.
I’m still in shock over the number of young girls that are having babies, but if you’re stupid enough to fall for “I’ll pull out”, you deserve what you get. But what gets on my nerves a little more is the way that they act once the little ‘bundle of joy comes along’. I’ve heard young mums say idiotic things such as:
“Having a baby taught me how to be independent.”
No it fucking didn’t. Getting kicked out of your house by your parents for getting pregnant at 17 meant that you had to learn how to be independent. Having your baby’s daddy leave you because he’s now a baby’s daddy, made you independent. If you depend on benefits you’re not independent ... the clue’s in the fucking word!
I had a friend on heroin, his parents found out and they kicked him out. He doesn’t claim that heroin made him be independent. And in no way am I saying that being addicted to heroin is anything like bringing a child into the world. Heroin brings you a high and will eventually ruin your life, whereas having a baby simply ruins your life.
I’m independent. I got my independence from ... Education (coincidentally something that young mother’s lack)! I didn’t have to push out a bastard child at any point. I only have my own mouth to feed. I get to do what I want, when I want (money permitting).
“Having a child is the most wonderful thing anyone can do.”
Are you sure? I wouldn’t trust you’re opinion to be quite honest, because your life is pretty much over already. There are lots of things that you can’t do now, so how can you truly be a judge on what the most wonderful thing anyone else can do is?
“I wouldn’t trade him/her for the world.”
Stop lying! If I was in your position I’d trade the baby for a bigger house, an income (a real one, not benefits) and a better looking baby.
“I don’t need a man to help me raise MY baby.”
Seeing as most boys that get these girls into this predicament bail out of the relationship (if there was one to start with) like it was the fucking Titanic going down, the girls often get left on their own to bring up the kid, which to be perfectly honest I don’t agree with (seeing as the way this blog is going I thought I’d say one sincere thing). But this mentality of ‘I don’t need a man’ needs to stop. It’s commonsense that two heads are better than one empty head, even if the other head is empty. Plus it’s just a fucking lie, because as soon as a young mum finds someone to babysit they go out on the town throwing themselves at any man that walks passed.
And I seriously question the mothering skills of some of these girls. I have a lot of ‘friends’ on Facebook, that have kids, and by friends I mean people that went to the same school as me, never spoke to me but added me anyway. And these girls have their deformed offspring in their profile pictures like the baby is some kind of fucking fashion accessory. Plus, when ever I log onto Facebook, there’s always one of these girls that’s just updated her status to something like; “Ahhh, [Insert Baby’s Name Here] as jst spit up all ova da place. [s]he iz sooooooo cute. Lv u babez”, and I’m thinking; “Well what the fuck are you doing telling the world, you dumb bitch! Clean it fucking up! Look after you’re fucking child before I call Social Services! You Whore!!” It’s funny to think it but when you post that as a comment on their status ... they get a little pissed off.
Now, I don’t want to come across as some archaic individual, but I do believe the typical family structure is important; father, mother, child[ren], a dog/cat/[some form of pet] and a mistress (for the husband). It’s worked in the past, it can work again.
By young mums I mean any girls (yes, girls) aged between 8 and 20. If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately (which may have been hard seeing as the leading newspaper available on the internet; The British Standard, is down) you may have noticed that Britain is more populated than ever because there are more kids ... having kids.
Now, let me just point out I’m still sitting on the fence about this whole “have children to carry on human existence” thing, to be honest it’s not looking to bright for civilisation so in order to save ourselves we may have to stop reproducing and die out altogether ... but this is a tricky subject and I’m getting off topic.
I’m still in shock over the number of young girls that are having babies, but if you’re stupid enough to fall for “I’ll pull out”, you deserve what you get. But what gets on my nerves a little more is the way that they act once the little ‘bundle of joy comes along’. I’ve heard young mums say idiotic things such as:
“Having a baby taught me how to be independent.”
No it fucking didn’t. Getting kicked out of your house by your parents for getting pregnant at 17 meant that you had to learn how to be independent. Having your baby’s daddy leave you because he’s now a baby’s daddy, made you independent. If you depend on benefits you’re not independent ... the clue’s in the fucking word!
I had a friend on heroin, his parents found out and they kicked him out. He doesn’t claim that heroin made him be independent. And in no way am I saying that being addicted to heroin is anything like bringing a child into the world. Heroin brings you a high and will eventually ruin your life, whereas having a baby simply ruins your life.
I’m independent. I got my independence from ... Education (coincidentally something that young mother’s lack)! I didn’t have to push out a bastard child at any point. I only have my own mouth to feed. I get to do what I want, when I want (money permitting).
“Having a child is the most wonderful thing anyone can do.”
Are you sure? I wouldn’t trust you’re opinion to be quite honest, because your life is pretty much over already. There are lots of things that you can’t do now, so how can you truly be a judge on what the most wonderful thing anyone else can do is?
“I wouldn’t trade him/her for the world.”
Stop lying! If I was in your position I’d trade the baby for a bigger house, an income (a real one, not benefits) and a better looking baby.
“I don’t need a man to help me raise MY baby.”
Seeing as most boys that get these girls into this predicament bail out of the relationship (if there was one to start with) like it was the fucking Titanic going down, the girls often get left on their own to bring up the kid, which to be perfectly honest I don’t agree with (seeing as the way this blog is going I thought I’d say one sincere thing). But this mentality of ‘I don’t need a man’ needs to stop. It’s commonsense that two heads are better than one empty head, even if the other head is empty. Plus it’s just a fucking lie, because as soon as a young mum finds someone to babysit they go out on the town throwing themselves at any man that walks passed.
And I seriously question the mothering skills of some of these girls. I have a lot of ‘friends’ on Facebook, that have kids, and by friends I mean people that went to the same school as me, never spoke to me but added me anyway. And these girls have their deformed offspring in their profile pictures like the baby is some kind of fucking fashion accessory. Plus, when ever I log onto Facebook, there’s always one of these girls that’s just updated her status to something like; “Ahhh, [Insert Baby’s Name Here] as jst spit up all ova da place. [s]he iz sooooooo cute. Lv u babez”, and I’m thinking; “Well what the fuck are you doing telling the world, you dumb bitch! Clean it fucking up! Look after you’re fucking child before I call Social Services! You Whore!!” It’s funny to think it but when you post that as a comment on their status ... they get a little pissed off.
Now, I don’t want to come across as some archaic individual, but I do believe the typical family structure is important; father, mother, child[ren], a dog/cat/[some form of pet] and a mistress (for the husband). It’s worked in the past, it can work again.
Saturday, 29 August 2009
Get Rich (or at least make a little cash) Quick Scheme #1
I like to pride myself on delivering information to other people to help them in these times of financial problems. I’ve previously tackled such problems as getting drunk for free and also shared knowledge to students on how to save money while at University. So now, as all hope seems lost I return with a new plan...
Apparently it’s never been harder for people aged 18-25 to get jobs, but I think I have the solution! So read my tips, I would like to mention that if you have problems with breaking the law stop reading now, because there’s nothing here for you!
OK, the first part of the plan is you have to start mugging people. I know this isn’t a new idea and it’s risky. But hear me out, although you’re already thinking; “Fuck you Ben, you fool I could have come up with this myself.” But my genius comes later on. So, anyway, start mugging people, get the usual stuff that people have on them; mobile phone, jewellery and car keys. Of course use some common sense here, make sure you pick your targets well. I prefer old people and young kids (not sexually – I know that’s what you were thinking, you pervert!), they’re easy targets and less likely to fight back.
Now comes the clever bit.
Now, as we all know it can be hard to sell on things that are stolen. You either have to sell them to people that fully understand that they are stolen so they are not willing to pay much or you have to try and convince the people that work in Cash Traders that you want to sell your mother’s wedding ring and your grandma’s pretty necklace. Which, form my personal experience is often unsuccessful.
So what are you going to do with these stolen goods?
Luckily for criminals life is getting easier, anyone that watches plenty of daytime TV (better known collectively as social-rejects) would have come adverts that tell you to go online, log on their website and then you send them certain items and they send you cash. So you take the goods you’ve stolen and start to follow these instructions;
- Well firstly send any stolen mobiles to www.mazumamobile.com, get a little cash from them.
- Sell any gold that you may have ‘required’ to www.cashmygold.co.uk.
- And if you were lucky enough to steal car keys and the car sell that to www.webuyanycar.com.
There’s no explaining, there’s no face to face shit, no need to lie. Nothing. Simple as that!
“But Ben, isn’t there a risk that one of these websites will eventually cotton on? Seeing as they’re sending me four or five cheques a week?” is what you should be thinking, if you are indeed a criminal mastermind. And I’m not going to lie to you, this could be a problem. But luckily there is a wide range of websites offering money for mobiles/gold, so a simple Google search will turn up an endless amount of websites willing to buy the shit that you kicked someone’s grandma in for!
But what next?
You can keep doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll ever make a load of money. But luckily I have plans for expanding. A website by the name of www.carspotter.co.uk now has a number (86007) that you can text the licence plates of cars to, they then tell you how much that car is worth. So what you do is walk down a street, or through a car park texting licence plate numbers to CarSpotter (on a stolen phone of course – before you send it to mazuma, you don’t want to use your credit) and wait to see which car costs the most according to CarSpotter, then you steal the car and get more money from www.webuyanycar.com, as their adverts states (about a 100 times) they buy any car. That’s any car; big, small, stolen or burnt out! They buy any car.
If none of this works for you, sell crack to kids!
Good luck.
Ben Broughton or The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is not responsible for any violence or jail time you may encounter if you follow these instructions.
Apparently it’s never been harder for people aged 18-25 to get jobs, but I think I have the solution! So read my tips, I would like to mention that if you have problems with breaking the law stop reading now, because there’s nothing here for you!
OK, the first part of the plan is you have to start mugging people. I know this isn’t a new idea and it’s risky. But hear me out, although you’re already thinking; “Fuck you Ben, you fool I could have come up with this myself.” But my genius comes later on. So, anyway, start mugging people, get the usual stuff that people have on them; mobile phone, jewellery and car keys. Of course use some common sense here, make sure you pick your targets well. I prefer old people and young kids (not sexually – I know that’s what you were thinking, you pervert!), they’re easy targets and less likely to fight back.
Now comes the clever bit.
Now, as we all know it can be hard to sell on things that are stolen. You either have to sell them to people that fully understand that they are stolen so they are not willing to pay much or you have to try and convince the people that work in Cash Traders that you want to sell your mother’s wedding ring and your grandma’s pretty necklace. Which, form my personal experience is often unsuccessful.
So what are you going to do with these stolen goods?
Luckily for criminals life is getting easier, anyone that watches plenty of daytime TV (better known collectively as social-rejects) would have come adverts that tell you to go online, log on their website and then you send them certain items and they send you cash. So you take the goods you’ve stolen and start to follow these instructions;
- Well firstly send any stolen mobiles to www.mazumamobile.com, get a little cash from them.
- Sell any gold that you may have ‘required’ to www.cashmygold.co.uk.
- And if you were lucky enough to steal car keys and the car sell that to www.webuyanycar.com.
There’s no explaining, there’s no face to face shit, no need to lie. Nothing. Simple as that!
“But Ben, isn’t there a risk that one of these websites will eventually cotton on? Seeing as they’re sending me four or five cheques a week?” is what you should be thinking, if you are indeed a criminal mastermind. And I’m not going to lie to you, this could be a problem. But luckily there is a wide range of websites offering money for mobiles/gold, so a simple Google search will turn up an endless amount of websites willing to buy the shit that you kicked someone’s grandma in for!
But what next?
You can keep doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll ever make a load of money. But luckily I have plans for expanding. A website by the name of www.carspotter.co.uk now has a number (86007) that you can text the licence plates of cars to, they then tell you how much that car is worth. So what you do is walk down a street, or through a car park texting licence plate numbers to CarSpotter (on a stolen phone of course – before you send it to mazuma, you don’t want to use your credit) and wait to see which car costs the most according to CarSpotter, then you steal the car and get more money from www.webuyanycar.com, as their adverts states (about a 100 times) they buy any car. That’s any car; big, small, stolen or burnt out! They buy any car.
If none of this works for you, sell crack to kids!
Good luck.
Ben Broughton or The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is not responsible for any violence or jail time you may encounter if you follow these instructions.
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Why I Hate ... Health
Has this big issue with living a healthier life gone too far? I’m serious. I fully understand that eating, exercise and all that good shit is important but do I need it shoving into every orifice of mine like I’m some molested child.
Everywhere I turn it’s “lower salt content”, “now with less sugar” or “the healthier option”. I’m fucking tired of it. Pretty much every major food brand is jumping on the bandwagon, in fear of being left behind or possible judged! Soon enough I really believe that salt shakers will feature a logo scrawled across them that reads; “Now with 50% less Salt”, it’ll come in the same size tub, it’ll be the same price, but when you get it home and open it, it’ll only be half full! And there won’t be anything you can do about it because you’re fucking stupid enough to buy it in the first place! You twat!
This whole “5 a Day” bullshit never really took of with me. Five fruit or veg a day! I barely manage five different fruit or vegetables a week, never mind in a 24 hour period! And I’m quite sure I also came across some information that said when should be having 3 different wheat-based foods everyday too. What a crock of shit. Can’t people just eat what they want? Yes people are getting fatter, so what? Does it matter? We’re over-populated anyway; if everyone eats healthy there’ll be less heart disease, less strokes and more people. And not just normal people, but more healthy people. I fucking despise healthy people. With their nice bodies, excellent diets, cancer free lungs and livers that work properly, fuck you and fuck you’re fully functioning livers you fuckers!
But it’s just not food that been contaminated into this healthy culture, it has spread into all aspects of life. For example, dog food now comes with little vegetables in it. But why? Surely there’s no reasonable explanation for this other than idiotic middle-class health nuts will start buying it thinking that it will keep their dogs healthy. For as long as I can remember dog food has been made up of meat, because that’s what dogs eat. Look at a close wild relation to dog, let’s say the fox (I know wolves would have been a better choice but we don’t have wolves in the country). How many times have you heard a farmer say; “Damn fox got into the carrot field last night, bloody thing made off with six carrots” ... I understand that you may not chat with many farmers which leaves it ever more unlikely, but the point is foxes eat chickens not carrots. Someone pointed out to me that they knew of a dog that ate vegetables, by that he meant scraps. I had a dog that ate his own shit. Dogs eat everything and anything. A dog would probably eat a used tampon if you waved it in its face, doesn’t mean it should eat tampons, used or otherwise.
But the worst thing I have seen relating to health is TSB’s Financial Health Specialists! Financial HEALTH? Not financial HELP, but financial HEALTH!!! Since when did health have anything to do with finances? My money’s not feeling under the weather, it doesn’t have swine flu, it doesn’t exercise, it doesn’t eat ... so it needs no new diet plan. What the flying fuck has health got to do with my fucking finances TSB? Answer me that, please? Is there an answer? Or are you just trying to leech off people’s insecurities that are being created left, right and centre? Are you simply using a word that triggers off a chain reaction in people’s minds; “I eat my 5 a day, I exercise, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I even buy my dog the food with vegetables in; I’m healthy. My dog’s healthy. But what about my finances, they’re not healthy, I better get down to TSB straight away!” What the fuck does a Financial Health Specialist do? Apart from laugh at the fucking idiots that come to then once they’ve left? Fuck Financial Health Specialists! Fuck TSB! And fuck this healthy culture, I’m fucking sick of it, fuck it in the face, with no protection, ‘cos that’s how I roll ... un-motherfucking-healthy!
Everywhere I turn it’s “lower salt content”, “now with less sugar” or “the healthier option”. I’m fucking tired of it. Pretty much every major food brand is jumping on the bandwagon, in fear of being left behind or possible judged! Soon enough I really believe that salt shakers will feature a logo scrawled across them that reads; “Now with 50% less Salt”, it’ll come in the same size tub, it’ll be the same price, but when you get it home and open it, it’ll only be half full! And there won’t be anything you can do about it because you’re fucking stupid enough to buy it in the first place! You twat!
This whole “5 a Day” bullshit never really took of with me. Five fruit or veg a day! I barely manage five different fruit or vegetables a week, never mind in a 24 hour period! And I’m quite sure I also came across some information that said when should be having 3 different wheat-based foods everyday too. What a crock of shit. Can’t people just eat what they want? Yes people are getting fatter, so what? Does it matter? We’re over-populated anyway; if everyone eats healthy there’ll be less heart disease, less strokes and more people. And not just normal people, but more healthy people. I fucking despise healthy people. With their nice bodies, excellent diets, cancer free lungs and livers that work properly, fuck you and fuck you’re fully functioning livers you fuckers!
But it’s just not food that been contaminated into this healthy culture, it has spread into all aspects of life. For example, dog food now comes with little vegetables in it. But why? Surely there’s no reasonable explanation for this other than idiotic middle-class health nuts will start buying it thinking that it will keep their dogs healthy. For as long as I can remember dog food has been made up of meat, because that’s what dogs eat. Look at a close wild relation to dog, let’s say the fox (I know wolves would have been a better choice but we don’t have wolves in the country). How many times have you heard a farmer say; “Damn fox got into the carrot field last night, bloody thing made off with six carrots” ... I understand that you may not chat with many farmers which leaves it ever more unlikely, but the point is foxes eat chickens not carrots. Someone pointed out to me that they knew of a dog that ate vegetables, by that he meant scraps. I had a dog that ate his own shit. Dogs eat everything and anything. A dog would probably eat a used tampon if you waved it in its face, doesn’t mean it should eat tampons, used or otherwise.
But the worst thing I have seen relating to health is TSB’s Financial Health Specialists! Financial HEALTH? Not financial HELP, but financial HEALTH!!! Since when did health have anything to do with finances? My money’s not feeling under the weather, it doesn’t have swine flu, it doesn’t exercise, it doesn’t eat ... so it needs no new diet plan. What the flying fuck has health got to do with my fucking finances TSB? Answer me that, please? Is there an answer? Or are you just trying to leech off people’s insecurities that are being created left, right and centre? Are you simply using a word that triggers off a chain reaction in people’s minds; “I eat my 5 a day, I exercise, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I even buy my dog the food with vegetables in; I’m healthy. My dog’s healthy. But what about my finances, they’re not healthy, I better get down to TSB straight away!” What the fuck does a Financial Health Specialist do? Apart from laugh at the fucking idiots that come to then once they’ve left? Fuck Financial Health Specialists! Fuck TSB! And fuck this healthy culture, I’m fucking sick of it, fuck it in the face, with no protection, ‘cos that’s how I roll ... un-motherfucking-healthy!
Monday, 3 August 2009
Worst 10 Adverts Currently on TV
10) Country Life Butter – “John Lydon/Johnny Rotten”
It’s not that this advert is really that bad (when compared to the others on this list), it’s just that John Lydon is a fucking sell-out! Sid Vicious probably spins in his grave every time this fucking advert airs on TV. In the advert, John gets stuck on a country lane as sheep surround him. Fucking hilarious!! Throughout the ad, John asks; “Why do I buy Country Life Butter?” Because you’re a fucking tool John! That’s why you buy it.
9) Life Without Tobacco – “Pimp My Ride”
OK, I’ve been lucky enough to only see this advert once, which is good, but it’s also hard to rant about it seeing as my memory is shot to hell. But from what I can remember from the advert is that it is based on the popular MTV show “Pimp My Ride”. It’s all animated and there’s even a little fake wigger, that’s meant to be Tim Westwood, but looks more like Vanilla Ice, although the voice sounds like Westwood. I’m sure there’s a line like; “Check out my dog,” [shot of a guy smoking] “he looks healthy but let’s check under his hood” [cuts to cartoon image of the guys lungs]. Of course smoking is bad, we all know this. And trying to keep kids from smoking is important, but why are fucking buffoons creating the adverts? “Pimp My Ride” rip-off? Really? It’s not 2007 anymore and a cartoonish-type character based on Tim Westwood is about as appetising as a dog shit sandwich. He’s not cool, he’s not “down with the youth of today”. In fact if any teenagers like him, they should smoke, so they can get cancer and die. The advert tries to act as if stopping smoking is just done simply. Why can’t these fuckwits actually talk straight to kids and not patronise them with trying to be cool? Get me on a fucking Life Without Tobacco advert, I’d tell the kids some home truths.
8) Every Single “Lawyer/Solicitor” Advert
There’s too many to name, but you know the ones; “Had a trip or a fall at work? Car accident? Stubbed your toe? Want some free money?” and all that “No win, no fee” bullshit. They all follow the same path really, some talks to you asking if you’d be injured then they tell you that you can get money, then they roll out some ugly fuckers that go on to tell you how they made some money for being clumsy idiots. These lawyers should get the fuck off my TV and get back to chasing ambulances!
7) Oven Pride – “Even a Man Can Do It”
This sickening piece of shit features a scowling woman that makes Anne Robinson look like a happy-go-lucky kinda person. In this advert the wife passes some Oven Pride to her husband and he cleans the metal grills of the oven, dancing around like a gormless prick with a stupid grin on his face that makes him look like a fucking retard! The slogan; “Even a man can do it”, makes me want to beat up my wife, luckily for her, she non-existent.
6) MoonPig
In my original draft of this list, I was stupid enough to leave this advert from the Top 5, for this I apologise, but the thing with MoonPig now is that I’ve learned to live with it much like an unwanted step-dad or the wart on my balls. It’s one of those things I’ve got used to and forgotten how much I hated it, until reminded. The whole concept of MoonPig pisses me off. Creating a card online to get sent to your loved ones! They attempt to make the point that this makes birthday cards more personal, but surely not even writing in someone’s card is the least personal thing you can do! I sincerely hope that in the owner of MoonPig catches Swine Flu, it will be ironic justice.
5) confused.com
Now, the kings of shit adverts, seeing as they seem to have a new one every-fucking-time I switch the box on! So it’s hard to attack for that one reason. I can’t pick out certain people that piss me off because by the time you read this they’ll be gone and they’re be a new collection of cunts advertising confused.com. They’ll all be talking about how confused.com saved them money; Guy#1: “I saved £200 with confused.com”, Woman #2: “I saved £30 with confused.com”, Guy #2 “I saved 45p with confused.com” and so on and so on! I saved a man from drowning once; I don’t need to go on TV and fucking brag about it! But from watching the adverts it’s clear were confused.com save the most money ... in advertising. Everything’s shot on fucking webcams! Jesus, confused.com, get it to-fucking-gether. Why should I use a company that can’t even be bothered to put any effort into advertising their product properly!
4) Pot Noodle – “High School Musical Spoof”
When companies are clearly making their adverts awful on purpose you have to question their ever deteriorating mental state. Of course this advert is supposed to be ripping off Disney’s mind-numbingly, suicide-invoking, pile of shit films High School Musical(s), but making your advert shit on purpose should be illegal. The advert ends with “I love making Pot Noodle, more fun than throwing a poodle”, clearly these people have never thrown a poodle under a speeding double-decker bus, because that is fun, lots of fun, much more fun than pouring hot water into a plastic tub containing dried up noodles. I hate this advert so much that I’d rather watch all three High School Musicals back to back, than sit through this 30 second advert!
3) MoneySupermarket.com – “Peter Jones”
“In times like these we all need to save on our household bills...” says Peter Jones (the guy that sits on the far right on Dragons’ Den) at the beginning of this advert. And of course if a multi-millionaire is doing adverts for price comparison site, times must be hard. There’s another ad, in which he rides around on a supermarket trolley like the prick he is. The fucker is so rich he’s probably never encountered a shopping trolley before (seeing as he probably pays someone to shop for him) I think that the director of the advert had to point out how the whole thing works to the smug fucker.
2) Cuprinol – “Wood Preservation Society”
This advert starts with a bunch of smiley, cheerful gardeners appearing from a shed. As soon as that shed door opens, my stress levels shoot through the roof. Then the song starts and I attempt to strangle anyone in reach, just so their choking drowns out the singing, which is dreadful, cringe-worthy and probably the theme tune to an apocalypse, in my opinion. The best bit has to be were the old woman glosses her table and then watches it in the rain. It’s a shame she isn’t struck by lightening. I like to tell myself that because she’s been stood in the rain like a fucking muppet, she’s caught the flu and hopefully kicked the bucket by now, telling myself this really helps me sleep at night. At the end of the advert, they all return to the shed, to continue their AIDs infested orgy.
1) Curanail – “Criminail”
This advert is so terrible it makes me physically sick. I’m actually gagging now as I type this because I’m having to think about it. The actress in the advert has clearly spent a good 5-10 minutes in acting school. The whole concept of fungal-nail infected toes being criminals is mind-blowing and featuring a giant toe in the advert too? What the hell is going on in the world? We all know what toes look like, even Heather Mills, and she’s only got half as many of the rest of the population. We don’t need to see filthy, giant toes on our TV! Toes and feet are disgusting in my opinion that’s why we have socks and shoes, to hide them away from the rest of mankind. And the puns, in the advert! I’m getting angry just thinking about this fucking advert! The video of Ken Bigley getting decapitated is more enjoyable than this advert. Inserting a drill-bit into your japs-eye, then turning on the drill is more enjoyable than this advert. This advert makes being gang-raped seem pleasurable.
It’s not that this advert is really that bad (when compared to the others on this list), it’s just that John Lydon is a fucking sell-out! Sid Vicious probably spins in his grave every time this fucking advert airs on TV. In the advert, John gets stuck on a country lane as sheep surround him. Fucking hilarious!! Throughout the ad, John asks; “Why do I buy Country Life Butter?” Because you’re a fucking tool John! That’s why you buy it.
9) Life Without Tobacco – “Pimp My Ride”
OK, I’ve been lucky enough to only see this advert once, which is good, but it’s also hard to rant about it seeing as my memory is shot to hell. But from what I can remember from the advert is that it is based on the popular MTV show “Pimp My Ride”. It’s all animated and there’s even a little fake wigger, that’s meant to be Tim Westwood, but looks more like Vanilla Ice, although the voice sounds like Westwood. I’m sure there’s a line like; “Check out my dog,” [shot of a guy smoking] “he looks healthy but let’s check under his hood” [cuts to cartoon image of the guys lungs]. Of course smoking is bad, we all know this. And trying to keep kids from smoking is important, but why are fucking buffoons creating the adverts? “Pimp My Ride” rip-off? Really? It’s not 2007 anymore and a cartoonish-type character based on Tim Westwood is about as appetising as a dog shit sandwich. He’s not cool, he’s not “down with the youth of today”. In fact if any teenagers like him, they should smoke, so they can get cancer and die. The advert tries to act as if stopping smoking is just done simply. Why can’t these fuckwits actually talk straight to kids and not patronise them with trying to be cool? Get me on a fucking Life Without Tobacco advert, I’d tell the kids some home truths.
8) Every Single “Lawyer/Solicitor” Advert
There’s too many to name, but you know the ones; “Had a trip or a fall at work? Car accident? Stubbed your toe? Want some free money?” and all that “No win, no fee” bullshit. They all follow the same path really, some talks to you asking if you’d be injured then they tell you that you can get money, then they roll out some ugly fuckers that go on to tell you how they made some money for being clumsy idiots. These lawyers should get the fuck off my TV and get back to chasing ambulances!
7) Oven Pride – “Even a Man Can Do It”
This sickening piece of shit features a scowling woman that makes Anne Robinson look like a happy-go-lucky kinda person. In this advert the wife passes some Oven Pride to her husband and he cleans the metal grills of the oven, dancing around like a gormless prick with a stupid grin on his face that makes him look like a fucking retard! The slogan; “Even a man can do it”, makes me want to beat up my wife, luckily for her, she non-existent.
6) MoonPig
In my original draft of this list, I was stupid enough to leave this advert from the Top 5, for this I apologise, but the thing with MoonPig now is that I’ve learned to live with it much like an unwanted step-dad or the wart on my balls. It’s one of those things I’ve got used to and forgotten how much I hated it, until reminded. The whole concept of MoonPig pisses me off. Creating a card online to get sent to your loved ones! They attempt to make the point that this makes birthday cards more personal, but surely not even writing in someone’s card is the least personal thing you can do! I sincerely hope that in the owner of MoonPig catches Swine Flu, it will be ironic justice.
5) confused.com
Now, the kings of shit adverts, seeing as they seem to have a new one every-fucking-time I switch the box on! So it’s hard to attack for that one reason. I can’t pick out certain people that piss me off because by the time you read this they’ll be gone and they’re be a new collection of cunts advertising confused.com. They’ll all be talking about how confused.com saved them money; Guy#1: “I saved £200 with confused.com”, Woman #2: “I saved £30 with confused.com”, Guy #2 “I saved 45p with confused.com” and so on and so on! I saved a man from drowning once; I don’t need to go on TV and fucking brag about it! But from watching the adverts it’s clear were confused.com save the most money ... in advertising. Everything’s shot on fucking webcams! Jesus, confused.com, get it to-fucking-gether. Why should I use a company that can’t even be bothered to put any effort into advertising their product properly!
4) Pot Noodle – “High School Musical Spoof”
When companies are clearly making their adverts awful on purpose you have to question their ever deteriorating mental state. Of course this advert is supposed to be ripping off Disney’s mind-numbingly, suicide-invoking, pile of shit films High School Musical(s), but making your advert shit on purpose should be illegal. The advert ends with “I love making Pot Noodle, more fun than throwing a poodle”, clearly these people have never thrown a poodle under a speeding double-decker bus, because that is fun, lots of fun, much more fun than pouring hot water into a plastic tub containing dried up noodles. I hate this advert so much that I’d rather watch all three High School Musicals back to back, than sit through this 30 second advert!
3) MoneySupermarket.com – “Peter Jones”
“In times like these we all need to save on our household bills...” says Peter Jones (the guy that sits on the far right on Dragons’ Den) at the beginning of this advert. And of course if a multi-millionaire is doing adverts for price comparison site, times must be hard. There’s another ad, in which he rides around on a supermarket trolley like the prick he is. The fucker is so rich he’s probably never encountered a shopping trolley before (seeing as he probably pays someone to shop for him) I think that the director of the advert had to point out how the whole thing works to the smug fucker.
2) Cuprinol – “Wood Preservation Society”
This advert starts with a bunch of smiley, cheerful gardeners appearing from a shed. As soon as that shed door opens, my stress levels shoot through the roof. Then the song starts and I attempt to strangle anyone in reach, just so their choking drowns out the singing, which is dreadful, cringe-worthy and probably the theme tune to an apocalypse, in my opinion. The best bit has to be were the old woman glosses her table and then watches it in the rain. It’s a shame she isn’t struck by lightening. I like to tell myself that because she’s been stood in the rain like a fucking muppet, she’s caught the flu and hopefully kicked the bucket by now, telling myself this really helps me sleep at night. At the end of the advert, they all return to the shed, to continue their AIDs infested orgy.
1) Curanail – “Criminail”
This advert is so terrible it makes me physically sick. I’m actually gagging now as I type this because I’m having to think about it. The actress in the advert has clearly spent a good 5-10 minutes in acting school. The whole concept of fungal-nail infected toes being criminals is mind-blowing and featuring a giant toe in the advert too? What the hell is going on in the world? We all know what toes look like, even Heather Mills, and she’s only got half as many of the rest of the population. We don’t need to see filthy, giant toes on our TV! Toes and feet are disgusting in my opinion that’s why we have socks and shoes, to hide them away from the rest of mankind. And the puns, in the advert! I’m getting angry just thinking about this fucking advert! The video of Ken Bigley getting decapitated is more enjoyable than this advert. Inserting a drill-bit into your japs-eye, then turning on the drill is more enjoyable than this advert. This advert makes being gang-raped seem pleasurable.
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