Houseless, Homeless, Hopeless [Part I]

I’ve heard that moving house is one of the most stressful things a person can do, but to be perfectly honest I’ve done it plenty of times so the stress of the whole debacle washes over me. You see, I’ve moved home a lot in my time. Growing up, my mum seemed to want to constantly move house, we moved around more than gypsies and it’s not like we moved up and down the country [apart from that short time we lived in Plymouth a.k.a. The Arsehole of England], we predominately stayed in the same shitty little town. Obviously when I moved out to come to University, I’ve continued to bounce around form overpriced student house to even more overpriced student house, continuing the trend set by my mother. To be perfectly honest I’ve lost count of the amount of homes I’ve had and to top if off I’ve just recently added a new home to my never ending list.

Towards the end of January me and my housemates discovered that we were to be thrown out of our house as it had been sold. This news carried me into February, which as it stands was possibly the worst month of my life as the clock began to tick on one of the most significant relationships I’ve ever devolved, I am of course talking of the news that House MD was defiantly going to end, me and the girlfriend also decided to part ways. My future was looking bleak; girlfriendless, Houseless and soon to be homeless.

But as they say; “you can’t keep a good man down”, and while I’m far from a good man the thought of living out of a cardboard box inspired me somewhat to find a new place to live.

But before we get down to my house hunting, let’s speak on where I was getting kicked out of. My old house was a lot like Anne Robinson; cold, heartless and although there’s been attempts to make it look slightly better you know it’s old, decrepit and rotting away on the inside … it was also really draughty [a super injunction prohibits me from informing you of Anne Robinson’s draughty vagina – but hopefully you were clever enough to figure out the route that joke was taking]. Due to these factors, our bills were expensive; to be honest the amount of money we’ve spent on gas/electric could have easily armed a small Middle Eastern country with AK-47s and enough ammo to [over]kill the entire Chinese population. But at the end of the day I’m a pacifist so genocide is not on my “To Do List” … but half of the Chinese population is [ahh… in-jokes]. The house was situated on what estate agents may refer to as “vibrant”, which translates as “a place filled with scum”; chavs, rude boys, smackheads, pissheads, Eastern European drug dealers that scream at each other in the street gone midnight, that guy that waits on the corner, asking you what time it is, hoping you pull out your phone so he can snatch it and run. You know those kinds of vibrant characters. Although none of that bothered me, I got to watch a smackhead OD on the street once from the comfort of my own home [he survived if you wondered/cared]. Towards the end of our stay things were beginning to break anyway; downstairs toilet had been broken for time, sparks were happening inside the microwave when you turned it on and the freezer door was being kept closed with a brick [I'm known to embellish stories, but this is all true].

You see, we just ignorantly lived this way, not realising that we were in a first world country living in a third world house [now I’m embellishing]. So getting thrown out was the motivation we really needed because nothing drives your incentive like the thought of being homeless, yet judging by my last house it wouldn’t be a massive step down.

So we began trawling the internet for possible new homes. Myself and Mr. French [my Brother from another Mother/spiritual advisor] compiled a list of ten houses/flats we were interested in. Luckily we don’t have high standards [in homes… or women], so our criteria were limited, as long as it had white goods and double glazing we were happy.

The first place we viewed was just around the corner from our current house. It was above a solicitor’s office. Alarm bells starting to ring when we were taken through the office, up two flights of stairs to a door that leads to the flat. The thought of there being a single door between my home and the business ran by the landlord was a scary thought, especially when you take into consideration what I do in my recreation. The flat wasn’t that bad, although the bedrooms weren’t too great, the smaller one of the two simply had a double bed in it with about a foot of room either side upon realising that there would be no room for a PC desk and no PC in my room is really going to ruin my sex life [yes, that's a masturbation joke... although not as funny when you point them out], we soon opted out of that place.

Will Ben and Frenchie find a home?

Find out in the next slightly-thrilling instalment of [*insert blog title here, when you can be arsed to come up with one you lazy prick*]

Rantin’ on Reactions to Robberies

I’ve never witnessed anyone getting mugged in my time, but I’ve seen plenty of robberies in battle rap. Although, I’ve attained enough knowledge to know that; much like the muggings that happen up and down the country on a daily basis, there’s nothing I can do about a robbery in a battle, I’ve accepted this and it’s time some more Don’t Flop fans do too.

The most recent ‘robbery’ that pops into my head is Mark Grist vs. Zain Azrai [from TTT10]. Now, I’m with the majority on this one, as much as I like Zain, I think Grist totally eclipsed him in the battle and the teacher should have walked away with the W, but he didn’t and life goes on. As much as I love battle rap and have done for years, I don’t get tied into the immature bullshit that takes place on the comments section of YouTube. So I’m going to use this article to stress some points to those of you [idiots] that do.

Firstly, if you don’t agree with a judge’s decision on a battle don’t hit the dislike button, you morons. The Grist/Azrai battle [at the time of writing] currently stands at 659 likes and 2773 dislikes, yet it’s hands down one of the most entertaining battles I’ve ever seen. It’s the perfect type of battle to show to non-battle fans as it breaks previous stigmas set by 8 Mile and goes against the general publics narrow minded views of the entire hip hop genre; I mean, come on, it’s a bloody teacher rapping against a Malaysian joke merchant. Yet, when someone comes to the video and sees its rating they probably won’t even give it a chance and that’s such a shame.

Secondly, don’t go posting hateful comments aimed at the winner of the battle [that you believe was a robbery] because it’s not down them. All they did was turn up and perform. I’ve seen comments on the Grist/Azrai battle, slating Zain to no end. “How irresponsible and pathetic of zain, the dirty fat chinky.” types RhysGB15. Yeah, how irresponsible and pathetic of Zain to travel across the world to partake in something he loves for the enjoyment of others. What a cunt he is!

Thirdly, those of you with half a brain will blame the judges. Congratulations on being slightly more intelligent than the previous batch of idiots, but alas you’re still fools. I’m not inside the minds of judges, but I’ve watched plenty give explanations to camera to understand that everyone is different. Judge #1 may lean towards comedic punchlines, Judge #2 may prefer intricate wordplay and so on. What you need to remember is they’re more respected in this ‘game’ than you keyboard warriors and they’re the ones making quick, on the spot decisions often in an environment much different to your silent bedroom, plus they don’t have the advantage of skipping the battle back to pick up on bars they may have missed.

Basically, in battle rap, robberies happen, yet they are few and fair between; so don’t get your panties in a bunch over something you can’t change. Instead how about you just support the artists, the league and the movement or fuck off.

Breaking Up & Broken Down

To say that break-ups are hard would be a fucking understatement.

Break ups are devastating and no matter how many you’ve had in the past they still pack a punch hard enough to leave you crying on the other side of your face.

I recently broke up with my long-term missus, it was an amicable break up, something new to me, so I falsely led myself to believe it would be different this time around, how wrong I was. An amicable break-up does have its benefits, you feel like an actual adult for once; you’ve made a realistic decision that the relationship is no longer working and you should terminate it. It’s a damn sight better than belongings being thrown from a window while you trade expletives at the top of your lungs in front on the curtain twitching neighbours. But to be fair no matter which route you take; amicable or trading blows on the street until the police turn up, you still end up in the same emotional state; lonely and heartbroken.

Obviously the old saying goes; “time heals all wounds”, not strictly true, but from my experience it certainly aids with heartache [as in sorrow, if your heart actually physically aches, go and see a doctor imminently, time may not heal that problem]. The problem is what do you do in that time because you’re whole life has altered drastically. The person that you’ve spent the majority of your time with other the last two years is no longer around and just to top things off, you’re two housemates that haven’t been in relationships for ages finally get girlfriends, that really highlights your loneliness. People ask if you’re ok, you lie and say; “Yes”, hoping that they pick up on the fact you aren’t, but they don’t, they’re idiots, they take your response at face value. This then only serves as a reminder that the one person that knows you best and can see through your lies has left. You feel isolated. You cry into your pillow. You think about all the good times you had together. You cry into your pillow some more. You get that overwhelming feeling that you’ve made a mistake. You cry into your pillow again. You can’t sleep at night because the double bed feels empty, plus your pillow is damp and uncomfortable.

Soon you come to terms with the loss. You begin to accept that you’ll never get a chance to relive that wonderful day you spent together in Skegness [in all honesty that was a terrific day]. And while it’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that you will no longer make memories like that, you begin to realise that you no longer have to have the same stagnant, long-winded conversation about what the fuck we’re going to eat tonight. You can actually make plans with the few reminding friends you have left without checking in with your other half as to what her/our plans are over the coming days/weeks/months. You can engage in sexual activities with other people [theoretically, as it’s been a while since you approached a female]. You can watch rap battles on YouTube without that moaning sound in the background, grumbling over the best punchlines. Yes that double bed still seems empty, but now you get the comfortable side, all the duvet and to top if off the pillows have dried.

Eventually normality prevails, until you begin the very same cycle with the next person to come along.

Capitalising on my Delusions of Grandeur

I’m currently trying to make money and I’m going to offer you, my dear reader, a chance to get closer to me, the one and only Ben Broughton (apart from Joe’s brother and that gay dude on Twitter. I Google myself too much).

Let’s face it people, we all spend too much time on Facebook, posting updates, pictures, videos [you’ve been on; I don’t need to explain every single aspect of it]. But sometimes you post something that nobody responds to and you die a little inside [I imagine, it never happens to me, people Like what I do, literally]. But luckily for you I’m here [for a price] to give you the encouragement you need on Facebook [for a price, did I mention that?].

Basic Package:
Add you as a ‘Friend’ [if not one already]
5 Status Update ‘Likes’
3 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
2 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]

Price: £5.00

Slightly-above-Basic Package:
Add you as a ‘Friend’ [if not one already]
10 Status Update ‘Likes’
7 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
5 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]
1 ‘Page Like’ [can be traded for an extra one of the above, if you don’t have a page]

Price: £7.17

Cool Dudes Package:
[This package is exclusively for Cool Dudes, so don’t even apply if you’re not one]
15 Status Update ‘Likes’
12 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
10 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]
5 ‘Link Comments’ [Supporting your stance on the matter, i.e. it’s shit/great]
1 ‘Page Like’ [can be traded for an extra one of the above, if you don’t have a page]

Price: Was £12.99, now only £10.02 [Exclusive Cool Dudes Discount]

Pimp Daddy Spectacular Package:
25 Status Update ‘Likes’
20 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
15 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]
10 ‘Link Comments’ [Supporting your stance on the matter, i.e. it’s shit/great]
3 ‘Page Like[s]’ [can be traded for an extra one of the above, if you don’t have a page/pages]
5 ‘Check-In Tags’ [Basically, while I’m out living my lavish lifestyle; drinking cans of Skol with supermodels and rich tycoons, I’ll ‘Check-In’ to a venue on Facebook, then tag you as being with me. PLEASE NOTE: You will not be with me, this is all a lie to make your life look cooler on Facebook].

Price: Was £14.99, now only £14.98

Terms and motherfuckin’ Conditions
The work I do is 100% my own, you have bought my skills, not me, I will not leave a Comment that you have written for me. If you are not satisfied with any of my work, I will gladly remove comments, unlike etc. but you will never get your money back.

Payment
I only take Cash. No cheques, credit/debit cards, vouchers/food stamps/coupons. Cash means English sterling, that’s English, keep those Scottish notes away and don’t even start telling me its legal tender. I must be paid in full before anything transpires on your Facebook.

Wipe Power!

While returning to the squalor that is my home town for the “Festive Season” to “enjoy the company of my family” and stock up on deodorant/shower gift sets, I had some lively debates in the place where all arguments get aired out [and started]; the public house. Of course the topics were nothing trailblazing, it was the same old shit that gets spouted on a daily basis over pint pots up and down the country; racism, the class system, what a twat David Cameron is, whom amongst us has the most pitiful existence [I still think it's me, so go fuck yourselves] and what a cunt David Cameron is. Yet one debate wasn't run of the mill and got extremely heated, I'm talking two verbs and an adjective from a bottle getting smashed, a face getting sliced and a sentence getting handed down. That debate; What is the correct way to wipe your bottom.

Now this debate wasn't the most detailed, as we never got on to aspects as important as to fold the paper or scrunch it up, to be fair we didn't even touch on how many sheets [of toilet paper] is ample for cushioning the excrement to avoid the dreaded splash black. This debate raged over one simple aspect; do you stand or sit to wipe?

Take to two seconds to answer this question, although it's probably not best to vocalise it if you're in a crowded area. If you're thinking; “Well I kind of sit on the fence” … I say to you; “Why the fuck are you sitting on the fence while you take a shit, buy a toilet!”

OK, from my extended research I've found that the majority of people sit to wipe, so if you also sit to wipe; congratulations, you're one of the many! So if you stand to wipe that inevitably means you are one of the few but congratulations to you because you're right.

While this wasn't the first time I've had this conversation, this was the first time it was done on a large scale, leading to my previous results [before hand it was a 50/50 split] being totally incorrect. The first time I found out people sat to wipe, it was an eye opening experience. It had never occurred to me that this was possible or even practiced. It was a real shock to the system, as wiping one's anus is a daily task undertaken by everyone [apart from Kim Jong-il according to North Korea propaganda sources]. Finding out there was a different way to approach this task was like discovering that most people do a handstand over the toilet while they piss.

Some may feel that seeing as they are in the minority over such a detail that they are the amongst the individuals going about this act in the incorrect way, whereas I've gave this plenty of thought – probably too much thought, but then again what else do I have happening in my life?

Why Standing to Wipe is Better:

Let's start off by saying if you sit to wipe you're a lazy fucker. You can't even be arsed to attend to your arse properly. I've tried sitting down to wipe [after hearing everyone else did it, I thought I'd give it ago to see what I was missing] and it's difficult to 'attend to the problem' [that's the nicest way I could think of writing; it's fucking hard to reach your arsehole successfully when sat on the throne]. This is what's wrong with this country; too many people too lazy to stand to wipe their bums! Get off the porcelain, wipe your shitter, wash your hands and get a fucking job.

When you stand to wipe you are the perfect position to view what you've just excreted. I firmly believe that all humans have an a massive interest in what their bodies produce. If some substance is expelled from your body you are instantly curious about it, so it's only right to have a good look at it. It's hard to get a decent view of your toilet deposit when you're sat over it.

When your stood up wiping your more ready to tackle possible intruders. Now, I've never had anyone break into my home but for the purpose of this [extremely important] blog, let's say an intruder enters my home while I'm on the bog. I have no idea he's in the house and it's time to wipe;

Scenario One: Sat.
So I'm sat on the toilet wiping my ring piece when the intruder kicks the [bathroom] door down and enters [as with most homes, we keep all our valuables in the bathroom in case you wondered why an intruder would want to enter our bathroom]. At first he's taken aback by the smell, but as I stand and struggle to get my jeans on, he's overcome the stench and stabbed me to death.

Scenario Two: Stood.
So I'm stood in the bathroom wiping, door kicked down, intruder. He's taken back by the smell and the fact that some blokes there with his cock out, this gives me twice as much time to act [compared to sitting], in one swift move I lift one leg from my jeans, run at the intruder and kick him in the face Tony Jaa style leaving him with severe brain damage.


In all honesty, it's rare that I actually write something heartfelt on my blog but I honestly think this sit/stand to wipe argument is in all seriousness one of the most important things I've ever written and I doubt I'll ever be able to channel my focus on a topic so close to my heart ever again. I hope you've had a couple of chuckles along the way, but please take this matter seriously, I don't want you to leave this webpage now and just forget about what you've read, I want you to act upon it. If you're a sitter, try standing and if you're a stander, keep standing [you're the one doing it correctly after all]. Bring up this subject at work, in the playground [if you're a student that is, if you're out of school DO NOT go into a playground asking children how they wipe their bums], at family dinners to get people sharing. Write to your local MP ask him/her their opinions on the matter and what is their political parties' stance on sitting/standing. Start a Facebook group. Get it trending on Twitter. Tattoo your allegiance to your forehead.

Happy Wiping.

Dear Mr. Kyle

I'm an avid fewer of your television show and while some label it as 'human bear-baiting' [a term a don't believe in as surely it would just be 'human baiting', if someone is baiting a dog, it isn't called 'dog bear-baiting', is it?], I don't agree. To be fair your show is one of very few that actually lets the lower class [I'd call them working class, but 98% of them are jobless] be seen on television, yet it isn't doing them much favours as a class in the eyes of viewers, so congratulations for that, I think.

I'm writing to you, as a fan remember, to inform you on a matter than you seem to be extremely unfamiliar with; cannabis. Now you come into more contact with cannabis users than a hostel owner in Amsterdam, so I can't quite fathom why you haven't educated yourself more widely on the matter, hopefully this letter will inform you on the subject.

One of your many catchphrases is; “You know what the number one side effect of weed is don't you? Paranoia!” It's a good catchphrase, nothing amazing, not on the levels of “D'ho!” or “Legen-wait for it... -dary”, but for a man that pokes fun at idiotic pregnant slags and dole queue fillers, it's OK.

My one major gripe about it, is that it's not actually true. Wire yourself up to your trusted lie detector machine and say it over and over again, see what the results are [although I do question that too, if these devices are as accurate as you claim, why aren't they used in law enforcement?]. Form my experience with the drug, I've discovered the main side effect is a feeling of relaxation. But I'd assume you to counteract this claim with something such as; “No, you fool, that's not a side effect, that's the desired effect!! It's my name on the wall!! You should put something on it!!” To that I'd say; valid point Mr. Kyle.

So how about this; The number one side effect from weed is in fact the Munchies. The munchies, is what us stoners refer to the hunger that strikes when you are stoned. It is without a shadow of a doubt the number one side effect of smoking cannabis, so how about you put that in your pipe and don't smoke it... and GET A [PROPER] JOB while you're at it.

Basically Mr. Kyle, if I'm not at work [yes, I have a job, I pay taxes, I don't put money towards the upbringing of my children as I have none] I spend a vast majority of my time high. And you maybe shocked to discover I'm not paranoid any more than the next person and the next person is usually a close friend of mine that also smokes cannabis. You seem to be under the impression that one smoke of a joint and instantly my mind conquers up thoughts of a loved one cheating or some other similar theory that you can compress into a tag-line. This is not the case. Paranoia exists with or without cannabis use and there will be high levels of paranoia amongst your guests as usually it's their reason for being on your show and providing me with entertainment, as I sit back smoking a big spliff thankful that someone's life is much worse than mine... even if he does have his own TV show.

#kimjongilfacts

I'm on Twitter, I joined in a hope that it'd be useful, something I could use when making hilarious off-the-cuff comments. But usually when I utter a rib tickling one-liner amongst friends I just sit there soaking up the gratitude from those within ear shot, instead of pulling out my phone to share it with my massive legion of [24] followers. Anyway, here's a little theme I had going; Kim Jong-il Facts; 100% made up, I started this on the 18th October, then when Kim died other Tweeters jacked the hashtag and started posting true Kim facts.

Kim Jong-il’s rap name is Kim Jong-illest

Kim Jong-il’s rap aliases are Kim Jong-iller, Kim Jong-illin’ and Lil’ Kim… Jong-il

Kim Jong-illest's first track was a diss to Kim Hwang-sik, entitled; "I'll end your Korea"

Kim Jong-illest's 2nd track was also a diss to Kim Hwang-sik, entitled; "I'll leave you Seoul-less"

North Koreans refer to pulling a whitey [from too much weed] as being Kim Bong-ill

Kim Jong-il's first film role was as a giant monkey that savages South Korea in "Kim Kong-il"

Kim Jong-il is so self-obsessed that his internet homepage is http://kimjongillookingatthings.tumblr.com/

Contrary to popular belief; Kim Jong-il has never been lonely/ronery

The questions from Kim Jong-il on Ask Rhod Gilbert are actually from the Dear Leader, he also gets a writers credit & paid

#Gadaffi is dead. Kim Jong-il doesn't care and isn't worried

Coca Cola isn't sold in North Korea, instead they sell Kim Kola; made entirely from Kim Jong-il's sweat

Kim Jong-il hosts North Korea's highest rated cooking show; "Ready, Steady, Crufts"

If you flip a North Korean coin (featuring the image of Kim Jong-il) it will land on heads 100% of the time

Kim Jong-il was set to join the NK squad vs Uzbekistan, but FIFA blocked it as Kim's boots are made from solid gold

Kim Jong-il; "Dear Leader" is a mistranslation, it's actually "Deer Leader" as he is able to communicate with the animal

Kim Jong-il has won North Korea's Got Talent for 3 years running

Kim Jong-il's 1st Year on North Korea Has Talent; He disproved the existence of Democracy while juggling kittens

Kim Jong-il's 2nd Year on North Korea Has Talent; He acted out 12 Angry Man in it's entirety, playing all roles

Kim Jong-il's 3rd Year on North Korea Has Talent; He sat in a chair for five minutes

Hennessy Cognac shares have taken a nose dive after the death of Kim Jong-il

I was tweeting #kimjongilfacts, before the man died, cos I'm cool like that, anyone doing it now was simply scared of any repercussions