Breaking Up & Broken Down

To say that break-ups are hard would be a fucking understatement.

Break ups are devastating and no matter how many you’ve had in the past they still pack a punch hard enough to leave you crying on the other side of your face.

I recently broke up with my long-term missus, it was an amicable break up, something new to me, so I falsely led myself to believe it would be different this time around, how wrong I was. An amicable break-up does have its benefits, you feel like an actual adult for once; you’ve made a realistic decision that the relationship is no longer working and you should terminate it. It’s a damn sight better than belongings being thrown from a window while you trade expletives at the top of your lungs in front on the curtain twitching neighbours. But to be fair no matter which route you take; amicable or trading blows on the street until the police turn up, you still end up in the same emotional state; lonely and heartbroken.

Obviously the old saying goes; “time heals all wounds”, not strictly true, but from my experience it certainly aids with heartache [as in sorrow, if your heart actually physically aches, go and see a doctor imminently, time may not heal that problem]. The problem is what do you do in that time because you’re whole life has altered drastically. The person that you’ve spent the majority of your time with other the last two years is no longer around and just to top things off, you’re two housemates that haven’t been in relationships for ages finally get girlfriends, that really highlights your loneliness. People ask if you’re ok, you lie and say; “Yes”, hoping that they pick up on the fact you aren’t, but they don’t, they’re idiots, they take your response at face value. This then only serves as a reminder that the one person that knows you best and can see through your lies has left. You feel isolated. You cry into your pillow. You think about all the good times you had together. You cry into your pillow some more. You get that overwhelming feeling that you’ve made a mistake. You cry into your pillow again. You can’t sleep at night because the double bed feels empty, plus your pillow is damp and uncomfortable.

Soon you come to terms with the loss. You begin to accept that you’ll never get a chance to relive that wonderful day you spent together in Skegness [in all honesty that was a terrific day]. And while it’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that you will no longer make memories like that, you begin to realise that you no longer have to have the same stagnant, long-winded conversation about what the fuck we’re going to eat tonight. You can actually make plans with the few reminding friends you have left without checking in with your other half as to what her/our plans are over the coming days/weeks/months. You can engage in sexual activities with other people [theoretically, as it’s been a while since you approached a female]. You can watch rap battles on YouTube without that moaning sound in the background, grumbling over the best punchlines. Yes that double bed still seems empty, but now you get the comfortable side, all the duvet and to top if off the pillows have dried.

Eventually normality prevails, until you begin the very same cycle with the next person to come along.

Capitalising on my Delusions of Grandeur

I’m currently trying to make money and I’m going to offer you, my dear reader, a chance to get closer to me, the one and only Ben Broughton (apart from Joe’s brother and that gay dude on Twitter. I Google myself too much).

Let’s face it people, we all spend too much time on Facebook, posting updates, pictures, videos [you’ve been on; I don’t need to explain every single aspect of it]. But sometimes you post something that nobody responds to and you die a little inside [I imagine, it never happens to me, people Like what I do, literally]. But luckily for you I’m here [for a price] to give you the encouragement you need on Facebook [for a price, did I mention that?].

Basic Package:
Add you as a ‘Friend’ [if not one already]
5 Status Update ‘Likes’
3 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
2 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]

Price: £5.00

Slightly-above-Basic Package:
Add you as a ‘Friend’ [if not one already]
10 Status Update ‘Likes’
7 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
5 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]
1 ‘Page Like’ [can be traded for an extra one of the above, if you don’t have a page]

Price: £7.17

Cool Dudes Package:
[This package is exclusively for Cool Dudes, so don’t even apply if you’re not one]
15 Status Update ‘Likes’
12 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
10 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]
5 ‘Link Comments’ [Supporting your stance on the matter, i.e. it’s shit/great]
1 ‘Page Like’ [can be traded for an extra one of the above, if you don’t have a page]

Price: Was £12.99, now only £10.02 [Exclusive Cool Dudes Discount]

Pimp Daddy Spectacular Package:
25 Status Update ‘Likes’
20 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
15 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]
10 ‘Link Comments’ [Supporting your stance on the matter, i.e. it’s shit/great]
3 ‘Page Like[s]’ [can be traded for an extra one of the above, if you don’t have a page/pages]
5 ‘Check-In Tags’ [Basically, while I’m out living my lavish lifestyle; drinking cans of Skol with supermodels and rich tycoons, I’ll ‘Check-In’ to a venue on Facebook, then tag you as being with me. PLEASE NOTE: You will not be with me, this is all a lie to make your life look cooler on Facebook].

Price: Was £14.99, now only £14.98

Terms and motherfuckin’ Conditions
The work I do is 100% my own, you have bought my skills, not me, I will not leave a Comment that you have written for me. If you are not satisfied with any of my work, I will gladly remove comments, unlike etc. but you will never get your money back.

Payment
I only take Cash. No cheques, credit/debit cards, vouchers/food stamps/coupons. Cash means English sterling, that’s English, keep those Scottish notes away and don’t even start telling me its legal tender. I must be paid in full before anything transpires on your Facebook.

Wipe Power!

While returning to the squalor that is my home town for the “Festive Season” to “enjoy the company of my family” and stock up on deodorant/shower gift sets, I had some lively debates in the place where all arguments get aired out [and started]; the public house. Of course the topics were nothing trailblazing, it was the same old shit that gets spouted on a daily basis over pint pots up and down the country; racism, the class system, what a twat David Cameron is, whom amongst us has the most pitiful existence [I still think it's me, so go fuck yourselves] and what a cunt David Cameron is. Yet one debate wasn't run of the mill and got extremely heated, I'm talking two verbs and an adjective from a bottle getting smashed, a face getting sliced and a sentence getting handed down. That debate; What is the correct way to wipe your bottom.

Now this debate wasn't the most detailed, as we never got on to aspects as important as to fold the paper or scrunch it up, to be fair we didn't even touch on how many sheets [of toilet paper] is ample for cushioning the excrement to avoid the dreaded splash black. This debate raged over one simple aspect; do you stand or sit to wipe?

Take to two seconds to answer this question, although it's probably not best to vocalise it if you're in a crowded area. If you're thinking; “Well I kind of sit on the fence” … I say to you; “Why the fuck are you sitting on the fence while you take a shit, buy a toilet!”

OK, from my extended research I've found that the majority of people sit to wipe, so if you also sit to wipe; congratulations, you're one of the many! So if you stand to wipe that inevitably means you are one of the few but congratulations to you because you're right.

While this wasn't the first time I've had this conversation, this was the first time it was done on a large scale, leading to my previous results [before hand it was a 50/50 split] being totally incorrect. The first time I found out people sat to wipe, it was an eye opening experience. It had never occurred to me that this was possible or even practiced. It was a real shock to the system, as wiping one's anus is a daily task undertaken by everyone [apart from Kim Jong-il according to North Korea propaganda sources]. Finding out there was a different way to approach this task was like discovering that most people do a handstand over the toilet while they piss.

Some may feel that seeing as they are in the minority over such a detail that they are the amongst the individuals going about this act in the incorrect way, whereas I've gave this plenty of thought – probably too much thought, but then again what else do I have happening in my life?

Why Standing to Wipe is Better:

Let's start off by saying if you sit to wipe you're a lazy fucker. You can't even be arsed to attend to your arse properly. I've tried sitting down to wipe [after hearing everyone else did it, I thought I'd give it ago to see what I was missing] and it's difficult to 'attend to the problem' [that's the nicest way I could think of writing; it's fucking hard to reach your arsehole successfully when sat on the throne]. This is what's wrong with this country; too many people too lazy to stand to wipe their bums! Get off the porcelain, wipe your shitter, wash your hands and get a fucking job.

When you stand to wipe you are the perfect position to view what you've just excreted. I firmly believe that all humans have an a massive interest in what their bodies produce. If some substance is expelled from your body you are instantly curious about it, so it's only right to have a good look at it. It's hard to get a decent view of your toilet deposit when you're sat over it.

When your stood up wiping your more ready to tackle possible intruders. Now, I've never had anyone break into my home but for the purpose of this [extremely important] blog, let's say an intruder enters my home while I'm on the bog. I have no idea he's in the house and it's time to wipe;

Scenario One: Sat.
So I'm sat on the toilet wiping my ring piece when the intruder kicks the [bathroom] door down and enters [as with most homes, we keep all our valuables in the bathroom in case you wondered why an intruder would want to enter our bathroom]. At first he's taken aback by the smell, but as I stand and struggle to get my jeans on, he's overcome the stench and stabbed me to death.

Scenario Two: Stood.
So I'm stood in the bathroom wiping, door kicked down, intruder. He's taken back by the smell and the fact that some blokes there with his cock out, this gives me twice as much time to act [compared to sitting], in one swift move I lift one leg from my jeans, run at the intruder and kick him in the face Tony Jaa style leaving him with severe brain damage.


In all honesty, it's rare that I actually write something heartfelt on my blog but I honestly think this sit/stand to wipe argument is in all seriousness one of the most important things I've ever written and I doubt I'll ever be able to channel my focus on a topic so close to my heart ever again. I hope you've had a couple of chuckles along the way, but please take this matter seriously, I don't want you to leave this webpage now and just forget about what you've read, I want you to act upon it. If you're a sitter, try standing and if you're a stander, keep standing [you're the one doing it correctly after all]. Bring up this subject at work, in the playground [if you're a student that is, if you're out of school DO NOT go into a playground asking children how they wipe their bums], at family dinners to get people sharing. Write to your local MP ask him/her their opinions on the matter and what is their political parties' stance on sitting/standing. Start a Facebook group. Get it trending on Twitter. Tattoo your allegiance to your forehead.

Happy Wiping.

Dear Mr. Kyle

I'm an avid fewer of your television show and while some label it as 'human bear-baiting' [a term a don't believe in as surely it would just be 'human baiting', if someone is baiting a dog, it isn't called 'dog bear-baiting', is it?], I don't agree. To be fair your show is one of very few that actually lets the lower class [I'd call them working class, but 98% of them are jobless] be seen on television, yet it isn't doing them much favours as a class in the eyes of viewers, so congratulations for that, I think.

I'm writing to you, as a fan remember, to inform you on a matter than you seem to be extremely unfamiliar with; cannabis. Now you come into more contact with cannabis users than a hostel owner in Amsterdam, so I can't quite fathom why you haven't educated yourself more widely on the matter, hopefully this letter will inform you on the subject.

One of your many catchphrases is; “You know what the number one side effect of weed is don't you? Paranoia!” It's a good catchphrase, nothing amazing, not on the levels of “D'ho!” or “Legen-wait for it... -dary”, but for a man that pokes fun at idiotic pregnant slags and dole queue fillers, it's OK.

My one major gripe about it, is that it's not actually true. Wire yourself up to your trusted lie detector machine and say it over and over again, see what the results are [although I do question that too, if these devices are as accurate as you claim, why aren't they used in law enforcement?]. Form my experience with the drug, I've discovered the main side effect is a feeling of relaxation. But I'd assume you to counteract this claim with something such as; “No, you fool, that's not a side effect, that's the desired effect!! It's my name on the wall!! You should put something on it!!” To that I'd say; valid point Mr. Kyle.

So how about this; The number one side effect from weed is in fact the Munchies. The munchies, is what us stoners refer to the hunger that strikes when you are stoned. It is without a shadow of a doubt the number one side effect of smoking cannabis, so how about you put that in your pipe and don't smoke it... and GET A [PROPER] JOB while you're at it.

Basically Mr. Kyle, if I'm not at work [yes, I have a job, I pay taxes, I don't put money towards the upbringing of my children as I have none] I spend a vast majority of my time high. And you maybe shocked to discover I'm not paranoid any more than the next person and the next person is usually a close friend of mine that also smokes cannabis. You seem to be under the impression that one smoke of a joint and instantly my mind conquers up thoughts of a loved one cheating or some other similar theory that you can compress into a tag-line. This is not the case. Paranoia exists with or without cannabis use and there will be high levels of paranoia amongst your guests as usually it's their reason for being on your show and providing me with entertainment, as I sit back smoking a big spliff thankful that someone's life is much worse than mine... even if he does have his own TV show.

#kimjongilfacts

I'm on Twitter, I joined in a hope that it'd be useful, something I could use when making hilarious off-the-cuff comments. But usually when I utter a rib tickling one-liner amongst friends I just sit there soaking up the gratitude from those within ear shot, instead of pulling out my phone to share it with my massive legion of [24] followers. Anyway, here's a little theme I had going; Kim Jong-il Facts; 100% made up, I started this on the 18th October, then when Kim died other Tweeters jacked the hashtag and started posting true Kim facts.

Kim Jong-il’s rap name is Kim Jong-illest

Kim Jong-il’s rap aliases are Kim Jong-iller, Kim Jong-illin’ and Lil’ Kim… Jong-il

Kim Jong-illest's first track was a diss to Kim Hwang-sik, entitled; "I'll end your Korea"

Kim Jong-illest's 2nd track was also a diss to Kim Hwang-sik, entitled; "I'll leave you Seoul-less"

North Koreans refer to pulling a whitey [from too much weed] as being Kim Bong-ill

Kim Jong-il's first film role was as a giant monkey that savages South Korea in "Kim Kong-il"

Kim Jong-il is so self-obsessed that his internet homepage is http://kimjongillookingatthings.tumblr.com/

Contrary to popular belief; Kim Jong-il has never been lonely/ronery

The questions from Kim Jong-il on Ask Rhod Gilbert are actually from the Dear Leader, he also gets a writers credit & paid

#Gadaffi is dead. Kim Jong-il doesn't care and isn't worried

Coca Cola isn't sold in North Korea, instead they sell Kim Kola; made entirely from Kim Jong-il's sweat

Kim Jong-il hosts North Korea's highest rated cooking show; "Ready, Steady, Crufts"

If you flip a North Korean coin (featuring the image of Kim Jong-il) it will land on heads 100% of the time

Kim Jong-il was set to join the NK squad vs Uzbekistan, but FIFA blocked it as Kim's boots are made from solid gold

Kim Jong-il; "Dear Leader" is a mistranslation, it's actually "Deer Leader" as he is able to communicate with the animal

Kim Jong-il has won North Korea's Got Talent for 3 years running

Kim Jong-il's 1st Year on North Korea Has Talent; He disproved the existence of Democracy while juggling kittens

Kim Jong-il's 2nd Year on North Korea Has Talent; He acted out 12 Angry Man in it's entirety, playing all roles

Kim Jong-il's 3rd Year on North Korea Has Talent; He sat in a chair for five minutes

Hennessy Cognac shares have taken a nose dive after the death of Kim Jong-il

I was tweeting #kimjongilfacts, before the man died, cos I'm cool like that, anyone doing it now was simply scared of any repercussions

Lil B – I Got AIDs Review

Now I don't usually review music as it's not at all my forte and my opinion is usually too bias to give a creditable opinion on a piece of audio art. Yet, after hearing Lil B's I Got AIDs track, I thought I'd give it a go. As Lil B is somewhat of an inspiration as he's clearly gone about producing a piece of work in which the content is unfamiliar to him, I'm just hoping that when I tackle an unfamiliar subject I don't come across as a clueless moron.

Now some deluded hip hop fans will praise Lil B for daring to tackle such a taboo topic such as AIDs in a genre that most pierce of glorifying violence, drug use and misogynistic values. Yet conscious hip hop has always been around and always will be, it's just not often pushed into the limelight. I can neither confirm or deny that Lil B is a trailblazer in the respects of making a track about AIDs, although I'm sure someone must have touched on it in the past.

But to the track itself; it begins with a small phone conversation then Lil B delivers the bad news; “I've got AIDs”, for what is supposed to be a conscious track about AIDs awareness, this opening bar instantly installs a perception that this song is in fact a piss take. It almost presents itself as a spoof, something that is likely to feature The Lonely Islands if they were more puerile and controversial. Yet it's not, this is meant to be serious, so don't laugh at the ludicrous line, it's time to learn about AIDs.

Lil B goes on to rap; “I shoulda used a condom, instead of trusting these women”. There's a bona fide tip for all those attempting to avoid contracting AIDs; use a condom! Apparently you can still fuck a women that has AIDs as long as your boy's in his wetsuit. Because condoms have never been known to tear or anything, condoms are the most durable substance in the world. The latter end of that line places the blame squarely on the shoulders of Lil B's ex-lovers, as he trusted them when really he shouldn't, so be careful guys if a woman wants to sleep with you she probably has AIDs. Lil B calls upon some advice passed down to him from his mother; “My mom said; 'keep ya dick in ya pants and you'll be good'”. Wise words there from Mother B. But while mom was dishing out sexual advice over a bowl of Frosties in the morning, it seems they've fallen on deaf ears. Lil B goes on to say that he was worried about getting the girl pregnant, not knowing that she had AIDs, now I'm no sexpert but condoms are often used to halt pregnancies. I understand that I've pointed out the drawbacks of them already but in all seriousness, if you're worried about getting a woman pregnant and you take no precautions you deserve AIDs.

The start of verse two offers some possibly unintended wordplay; “Now I'm fucked, cos I had unprotected sex”. Get it? He's “fucked” cos he had “[unprotected] sex”! But why is this an unintended piece of wordplay? Because I highly doubt Lil B to possess the skill/talent/luck of penning this line, also this line in itself is quite humorous, therefore it probably isn't meant to be pierced how I've seen it. Remember this is about AIDs, AIDs is serious! We then find out Lil B's also contracted herpes, but moaning about herpes when you have AIDs is like whining about a paper-cut on your figure as your lower intestines slosh out of a stab wound in your gut. Lil B continues on and brings up famed basketball player Magic Johnson [whom, from my research contracted HIV but it never developed into full blown AIDs, guess that's why they call him Magic]; “Magic Johnson the only one that's still alive, sittin' down all alone, it makes me wanna cry” before we highlight the subtle genius of rhyming 'alive' with 'cry' [I've heard of half-rhymes before but never half-arsed-rhymes]. At first listen I thought this line was entirely about Magic and Lil B was thinking about how Johnson was all alone and that thought made him want to cry. But on later inspection I'm not sure if Lil B is simply talking about himself wanting to cry after what has happened to him. That's surely the mark of a true artist, the pure fact, that I as a hip hop head can not truly assess what the fuck he's on about. Lil B ends verse two by saying if he could go back in time he would have wore a condom, so again I'll point out the fact that he'd still fuck a AIDs ridden woman, so he clearly hasn't learned his lesson. The final line is; “Now I’m dying, saying 'goodbye' to my momma”, I can just picture Momma B's 'I told you so' face.

Verse three is without a shadow of a doubt the best verse, as it doesn't exist. In total this is a ten bar song (twenty lines) which for a hip hop song is fucking pitiful, especially a song that is apparently about awareness. Lil B's delivery or flow is mediocre, his tone is completely void of emotion, whether or not that's purposeful because of his remorseful emotions or just a complete lack of care on Lil B's part. No anger is present in his voice when mentioning the “bitches” he's trusted. One of the most important aspects of being an emcee/rapper is being able to rhyme words, a process that Lil B has turned his nose up at, rhyming words like; pregnant/sexin', sex/bet, AIDs/pay and the unbelievable condom/momma damn! Basically nothing rhymes, I've released bodily gases that have held more rhyme merit than Lil B on this track. The beat is OK.

Overall, this song is clearly less about AIDs awareness and more about getting people talking about Lil B, yet all they'll say is; “Oh, Lil B, that guy that made that terrible song on AIDs awareness.” Maybe if Lil B took the time to pen something more thought provoking than a confused message of wear a condom and get tested that featured words that rhymed, this review would have been totally different. But if Lil B had made a decent AIDs song, this review wouldn't exist, because I just wanted to take the piss out of it. Too enjoy [I Got] AIDs take your [hearing] AIDs out.

Ben's Rating:
-5 / 0

Writing for Newsjack

For those that don’t know I write for a BBC radio comedy… but before you start thinking I’m ‘someone’; so do hundreds of other people. “No wonder the BBC is having to make cutbacks if it’s employing all these people to write for one show” you may be thinking, but you’re wrong. Newsjack has an open door policy, so anyone can send in material. But now the final deadline has passed us by, so no more last minute attempts to satirise current affairs in the attempt of building up a portfolio in the world of the comedy writer. It’s back to avoiding newspapers like Liam Fox (mmm … satire*).

My style of writing for Newsjack is basically, throw everything I can at them, sit back, constantly refreshing my hotmail account in hope that I receive an email informing me I've had material accepted. But I wasn't lucky enough this series, obviously by “lucky enough”, I mean “good enough”.

You see, the thing is when you're writing your little one-liners or sketches, you think you actually have something of quality; an actual piece of comedy gold that stands a chance of getting aired. That optimism lasts form Monday/Tuesday [when you send your material in] until late Thursday, when the inevitable happens and you don't receive that email. At that point you look back over what you've written and realise how drastically awful the whole thing was and how much of an idiot you were for thinking that poorly stringed together bunch of toss was ever going to be considered for broadcast. You feel shitty. You then listen to the show and feel shittier because;

a) Someone else used an angle you had, but in such a better way you begin to question why on Earth you think that you can compete with writers [that get material accepted] when your approach is so blatantly simple a child that eats PVA glue could have come up with it.

b) You hear a sketch/one-liner that you feel is substandard and you begin to wonder why your substandard material was passed over for that. You then go on to realise that you clearly know nothing about producing or writing for a radio show, so why should you hate on someone else's hard work, when they're the ones receiving a cheque from the BBC and you're not.

Eventually you calm down and last week's knock back inspires you to write something better. So you plunge yourself into the week's news, furiously jotting down fragmented ideas. You go on to construct them into sketches/one-liners. You convince yourself these are way better than last week's effort and the whole cycle begins again. Optimism. Failure. Self-loathing. Back to the drawing board... or writing table.

The hardest aspect of writing for Newsjack, in my eyes is writing for the tone of the show. This is of course the most vital aspect too, the show can't simply throw out a bunch of sketches that don't follow suit; witty satire is probably the summation of what they're after. While my style of writing is more offensive and blatant; that's probably why my sketch; “Top Five things that make Cameron a Massive Cunt” never got the chance it deserved. But it becomes hard to understand why material gets passed over, from my point of view. I mean I was lucky enough [obviously by “lucky enough”, I mean “good enough”] to get a one-liner accepted in series four. Yet I thought that I'd sent in one-liners that were better than that.

Anyhow, here's a handful of my rejected one-liners and parts from sketches;

UPBEAT MAN: After the Foreign Office warned against visiting Kenya, our travel agent arranged us a place in Cape Town at no extra fee, which is good because it can cost an arm and a leg or a leg at least.

HOST: Boris Johnson opened London Fashion week, William Hague was due to do the opening but a wardrobe malfunction left him unable to come out of the closet.

WOMAN: In Libya David Cameron said the Arab Spring could become an Arab Summer, because ultimately he wants to see the Arab Fall.

HOST: David Walliams’ Thames challenge has shown the nation that persistence, determination and a good pair of swimming goggles will eventually get you through everybody else’s shit.

[from a Sketch about Boris Johnson opening fashion week;]
HOST: Now live from fashion week, we are joined by a man that’s got so many depressed women naked he makes Peter Stringfellow look like a rank amateur; Gok Wan.

… all now fantastically outdated and have stood the test of time like a bunch of cheap flowers.

*I'd like to point out that the line there was [slightly] satirical when I began this blog, but as I usually do I gave up on this blog about ten minutes after starting it and only returned to it as I was unable to create a new topic to write about. Although this has probably added more to that joke as it's no longer satire, which also criticises my attempts at satire; mmm … self-loathing.