Dear Bitch

Dear Bitch,
Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of sucking random guys’ cocks to read this letter. I will try to use simple language so you can fully comprehend what I’m attempting to get across to you. Shit, there I go already, using ‘big’ words. Comprehend means understand.

Anyway, firstly I would like to thank you for the time we spent together. I now know that no matter what happens to me in life I will be able to deal with it because of the way you treated me. Spending the rest of my life in Guantanamo Bay, would be paradise when compared to the time we spent together. I’ve also become able to point out girls such as you, to save me from heartache and loss of money in the future. Because you my dear, are a condom chick. I know what you’re thinking; “How am I a condom chick? I don’t even like rubbers”, well trust me it has nothing to do with the fact you ride bareback unaware of sexually transmitted diseases. You are a condom chick, because much like condoms you spend more time in a man’s wallet than on his dick.

I would also like to take this time to forgive you; yes your illiterate eyes read that sentence right. I FORGIVE YOU for all the lies you told me. I have now come to understand that you are predisposed to being a lair because you were born with a vagina. Like all females before you, you are nothing more that a fucking lair. I’ve been told many lies in my life, from many different women. My mum started the trend by lying to me at a very early age, telling me such untruths as; “I’ll buy you a MegaDrive”, “I love you” and “I know who your father is”. But when it comes to leading me on, you take the cake. After a while it became fun watching you try to lie yourself out of the previous lies you told. Of course, I lied you too, but what I told were little white lies, such as “I’ll be home soon” and “Of course I not cum in your face”. Seeing as I forgave you for the lies you told and also seeing as you have full vision back in your left eye, I think it is appropriate that you forgive me for the lies I told.

Now please pay attention now, because there are some truths that you really need to take onboard. You are no different from any of the other little skets that are around. For some reason you have this strange belief that you are somehow better than everyone else, but sadly your not. It may be depressing to read, but it’s the truth. You surround yourself with scum, so what does that make you? You have no reason to look down on other people, you are no better. Also, please stop with this self pity bullshit, you are a spoilt little brat and still you complain. Like an idiot, I did everything that you asked of me, but that was still not enough. But heaven forbid, if I’d ask something of you I was a “lazy fuck”. Of course, being a relationship with me must have been hard for you, seeing as I didn’t cheat on you or slap you about, although you probably deserved it a couple of times. But to me it’s clear to see that you need drama in your life, but instead of sitting down with a nice cup of tea and watching Eastenders like most normal folk, you take it upon yourself to create your own drama. This is of course going to lead to problems for you. Maybe if you avoided drama, like most people do, you’re life wouldn’t be so shit (of course I’m quoting you here, you’re life isn’t that bad).

You claim you’re at a stage of your life where you need to discover ‘who’ you are. I know you very well, I have a decent understanding of your life (although I get the feeling you lied about most of it) but I can’t tell you ‘who’ you are. I am at liberty to tell you ‘what’ you are though. I won’t though; I’m trying to stop swearing. I’m sure if you take a glance into a mirror and see your make-up covered face, the skimpy clothes that you wear and the crusty seamen in the corner of your mouth, you’ll realise what you are. As for ‘who’ you are, I get the feeling that you’ll never discover that.

I’ll wrap this letter up now, seeing as it’s getting quite long, I know you’re only used to reading the cooking directions on the back of microwave meal boxes, which compared to this are quite simple. So I wish you all the luck for the future, you’re going to need it. Peace.