You pass them everyday in the street; they’re a nuisance to the country and in fact to the rest of the world. They stink of a repulsive mix of their own piss and Vicks vapour rub. They go by many names; the undead, coffin dodgers, grandma and grandpa ... basically, I’m talking about old people! And I mean old people, not ‘older’ people – like some of them would like you to believe. What is the deal with these decrepit zombies? If medical experts spent more time concentrating on diseases instead of keeping the barely living alive the world wouldn’t be so crowded!
The young are constantly ridiculed but it’s time we turn the tables. Kids kill each other because they live in the fucked up world old people have created. We have to recycle because of the decades of wasteful behaviour of those that went before us. It all falls on us, and its bullshit. While old people sit in retirement homes being waited on hand and foot. But I suppose it’s hard watching daytime TV, drinking tea and having someone wipe your wrinkly old ass every time you take a shit.
Respect out elders? Fuck that! Tell granddad you don’t give a shit about how many Nazis he killed in World War Two because it doesn’t matter. I’d like to see him complete Call of Duty on the hardest level.
I think it’s time we took the Harold Shipman approach to old people. Let’s start knocking them off. They no longer serve a purpose in this day and age, unless cluttering up high streets across England in the daytime is now a purpose! If I’m yet to win you over with this point I’ve been nice enough to compile a list of reasons to hate old people;
- They smell. They really do, it’s horrendous. The stench of death is what I like to refer to it as. It smells so vile it pieces the nostrils with its intensity and brings tears to the eyes.
- They pay for everything in pennies. Seriously, most of them are sitting on a mint but they wait like drones in any queue, in any shop to buy something stupid with a fucking purse full of pennies.
- They always buy the worst gifts. Whenever your birthday or Christmas rolls around you can always rely on your grandparents to buy you the worst gifts. I always used to save their gifts for last so no matter what everyone else got you it would be great in comparison to what grandma and granddad got you.
- They’re ugly. I understand that no matter the age you have some ugly people, but all old people are ugly, and it you disagree you’re a fucking sicko. When you lose your teeth, hair, looks and sanity that’s nature’s way of telling you that you should have already lost your pulse!
- They can’t drive. Young, new drivers are always pointed at for being bad, but why don’t we ever hear the statistics of individuals over 60 involved on road accidents? I’m willing to bet it’s a high number. At least young drivers die on the road because they’re racing or out running the police, instead of old people that probably fall to sleep or cause accidents when the piss themselves and look down to view the wet patch increase on their lap.
- They’re always trying to tell you stories. I honestly don’t give a fuck about what it was like for them growing up. I’ve heard shit like; “Back when I was young we didn’t have to lock our doors, we could trust people.” Wrong old-timer! You didn’t have to lock your doors because you had nothing good to steal!
So by now I’m hoping that I’ve won you over with my arguments and excellent points in eliminating these people. But now you’re wanting to know how can we get rid of these blue badge holding motherfuckers? I have a few ideas. Start pumping gas into old people’s homes, gas them like the Nazis did to the Jews, it will be nostalgic for most of them. Of course I love the irony of them dying in a way that they risked their lives to stop happening to others. Or alternatively set retirement homes on fire. Of course both of these ways will kill younger people working at these facilities but that that’s a risk I’m willing to take. In any war there’s casualties on both sides, this is no different. I also thought lacing Werther’s Originals with anthrax is an ideal way of taking plenty of them out. I’m still developing more plans as I type this, but I don’t want to give to much away because when the number of mysterious deaths amongst OAPs grows I don’t want the police at my door, again.
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