Like many people, I often wonder how I’m going to die. I’m so interested in the matter that I have compiled a list of possibilities, which relates to my personality. The possible ways I will die are accompanied with percentages relating to how likely that possibility is.
1% chance of dying in a Terrorist Attack
I do use public transport quite often so this makes me a possible target, but at the same time I don’t think Derby/Sutton-in-Ashfield are prime locations for terrorist attacks. Although as an atheist extremist, I believe I will equipped with knowledge to talk any religious fanatic out of blowing themselves up due to the fact their God(s) don’t actually exist.
2% chance of being killed in a South-East Asian jail after being accused of being a paedophile.
No Comment.
5% chance of getting hit by a Car.
To me the road is like a really attractive girl that I stand no chance with, so I just don’t pay attention to it ... what’s the point? Cars have brakes, they should brake for me whenever I choose to step out into traffic, I’m Ben Broughton, who are they? More than likely they’re some prick in a car.
10% chance of ODing on Drugs
I’m not heavy into drugs like I used to be when I was younger, but I still dabble every once in a while. But my tolerance has shot down, so I’d easily be stupid enough to drop a handful of pills and just die. At least I’d be going out on a high ... get it? Going out on a “high”! I’m so fucking funny sometimes, I surprise myself!
19% chance of dying from a STI
With a combined love of prostitutes and a hatred of condoms, in my opinion the only thing that should have a rubber is a pencil, not a penis, sexually transmitted diseases are likely. But it my eyes it’s much better to die of a disease you caught from shagging, than dying a virgin.
24% chance of getting Stabbed/Shot
Now, I’m in no way implying I hang out in rough areas with rough people doing rough things. But I have a bit of a mouth on me, that it times works on auto-pilot, especially when alcohol has been consumed by that very mouth. And my mouth has often got me into trouble before, thankfully my legs were able to get my out of those situations, but that was then this is now and my legs aren’t what they used to be.
39% chance of committing Suicide
I’m in now way emo, I’m not into self-harming at all, but suicide is a completely different matter. In my opinion if you are going to do something, do it right. It is said that men think about sex every six seconds or so, but I think about suicide every six seconds or so. I see it as the best way to get out of a bad situation, girlfriend on your back too much ... nip to the bathroom and slit your wrists. That’ll show the bitch! But it’s not just matters that relate to women, it could be anything that makes me want to commit, from; having to wash the pots, having to wake up to work, having a come down ... It’s not that I’m mentally unstable; it’s just that sometimes death would be much better than living.
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