If Political Parties were Kids

The other day, while sitting around doing nothing of worth I got to thinking about political parties, and they way they are. There’s so many and at times it can be confusing trying to understand them, so I decided to think of them as kids at school, because at school things were so much simpler. Everyone knew where they stood, people were easy to classify by the way they acted. So here’s my personalisation of political parties.


Conservative Party
Would be that rich kid at school, kinda posh but always trying extra hard not to come across that way. The type of kid that wanted you to view him as one of your own but seeing as none of your other mates had butlers, you knew there was something different about him. Plus he’d always try to sound cool by using out of date slang, which he thinks will win you over but it just makes you hate him a little but more. Deep down you’d love to watch someone kick the living shit out of him, you wouldn’t do it yourself of course, because his parents would get some of the best lawyers in England to sue the living shit out of you and your broke-as-fuck family.

Labour Party
Would be that guy you used to get on with so much in primary school, but after a while you realised that deep down you don’t have that much in common anymore. Probably because he went around acting all hard when in fact he was a pussy. Yeah, he used to be kind of cool, but not anymore. So you try to avoid him and act like you don’t know him in social situations, as being linked with such a tremendous twat would ruin your reputation. So you spend the rest of your school life avoiding eye contact and ignoring him as he talks to you.

Liberal Democrats
Is that kid that’s forever teetering on the edge of becoming popular, if you could just remember his bloody name. No matter how many times you’ve been told his name, you just can’t remember it, it’s forever on the tip of tongue and that’s where stays. He’s constantly trying to act cool, much like the ‘Conservative Kid’, and he’d probably pull it off if you could simply remember that he exists, but alas, you can’t, so he’ll never be accepted or cool.

UK Independence Party
Would be that kid that joins the class towards the end of the year and never really manages to fit in. Although he makes some pathetic attempts to get along with everyone, but in the end he simply vanishes into the background and becomes part of the scenery. For example, if the fire alarm wet off and all the classes ran outside to the playground to make sure everyone was ok and accounted for, nobody would notice the ‘UKIP kid’ was missing until fire fighters dragged his charred remains form the ashy rubble you formerly called a school.

British National Party
Would be the kid always claiming not be racist, although they knew every racist joke going around and wouldn’t mind sharing them. And when racist stuff was found written in the toilets they deny it was them even though it was in their handwriting and there were plenty of spelling mistakes. Plus, he’d be the kid with the bald headed father, that only wore ripped jeans and white vests, along with having “NF” tattooed on his forehead, although the kid at school would protest, saying it didn’t stand for National Front, but for Nottingham Forest.

Official Monster Raving Loony Party
Would be that ‘special’ kid, although not ‘special’ enough for the ‘special’ class, but too ‘special’ for the regular class. Think of the kid that ate glue/paste and regularly wet themselves.

Green Party
Would be that eco-friendly kid. Constantly advising you to recycle your empty bottles or cans of Coca Cola, while telling you not to drink Coca Cola as Coke is an evil, capitalist corporation. He’s also the kid that always turns up to school without his homework, claiming to have done it, but instead of bringing into school he left it at home in the paper recycling bin, as the school doesn’t have a “good enough” recycling system. The one good feature he does have is his cool dreadlocks, but seeing as he doesn’t bathe, it kinda puts everyone else in school off of growing their own.