Ben vs. God's Spokesperson #54012254

If you've been reading this tripe as long as I've been throwing it out, you'll know [if you're still yet to kill off the majority of your braincells with drink and drugs like I'm constantly suggesting] that I'm not all that favourable of religion. This isn't quite the case [I'm breaking the fourth wall here folks... if blogs have walls that is]. I put forth the militant Atheist vibe because a) it's funny to do and b) I'm fucking good at it, but in reality I'm more of an Atheist with Agnostic tendencies; I believe/know there's no deity out there, yet I really couldn't give a fuck about it. I'm passed it. You guys can squabble about it to the cows [that you may or may not worship] come home.

That being said/written, I had an encounter today on my way to work, in which I was stopped by a lady that handed me a leaflet about God. I'm used to this, it happens a lot, I think believers must see me with a large neon light above my head spelling out; “heathen”.

Yet this time was different. It wasn't a simple; “Here's a cheaply made leaflet with more spelling errors that a thousand page novel about a quantum physicist written by a dyslexic toddler”, NO! This time God's Spokesperson #54012254 wanted a chat with me and she hijacked my walk to work! Which I thought was pretty shitty, but in context it's better than Allah Spokesperson #54012254 hijacking my flight.

You see, I'm not that much different than religion fundamentalists; as I'm not going to change my stance or beliefs, no matter what. Whatever they say will wash over me like the water from John the Baptist's hands washed over Jesus' head.* If I woke up tomorrow with stigmata and God appearing at my bedside... I'd brush it off and call up work to tell them I can't come in due to an accident with my hands and I'm having fucked up hallucinations, to which they'd respond; “Put the bong down, sober up and get to work!”

Now back to the God Squad member [*penis joke censored in proofread*], seeing as I was missing out on listening to the latest episode of Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast, I thought I'd at least have some fun with this lady to keep myself amused [*rape joke censored in proofread*]. Now, I don't want to belittle anyone's religion to their face [because I have a blog for that], so I kept it decent and bit my tongue at certain points.

The following is some dialogue between us both, you're smart enough to figure out whose talking, [dialogue in square brackets is my tongue biting bits].

“Do you see yourself as a good person?”
“[If you don't count the my 'somewhat' illegal hobbies;] Yes.”
“OK, so have you ever taken something that didn't belong to you?”
“[Not counting the virginities that were wilfully offered to me;] No. [In fact, what the fuck are you talking about? Aren't you taking something right now that doesn't belong to you; MY TIME!]”
“Have you ever lied?”
“[Yes, who hasn't? C'mon you stupid bitch, you're believing in a God that doesn't exist; you're lying to yourself and yet have the nerve to ask me if I've ever lied!] Yes, I suppose I have.”

“Have you ever looked at a women and had sexual thoughts?”
“[What? That question should be; 'Do you have a dick and an imagination?', Clearly you didn't go through puberty as a boy!] Yes”
“Have you ever taken the Lord's name in vain?”
“[Erm... Jesus Christ... I've really got to think about this question... um... Oh my God, I probably have.] *Chuckle* Hell yes, I have.”

Taking my answers on board she informed me that I wouldn't get into heaven and I'd be banished to hell – it was like the shittest game show ever! Then began a debate over whether or not heaven and hell existed at all. One of us [rightly] thought it didn't, while the other [wrongly] thought it did.

I tried to bypass the fact my 'sins' wouldn't get me into Heaven by telling her I'd use my charm to sweet talk Saint Peter. She told me that wouldn't work although I am very charming ['whose having sexual thoughts now?' I thought to myself - before realising it was still me].

I was then informed that by accepting God, my 'sins' [or 'lifestyle' as I call it], would be forgiven. At this point I wanted to test the waters, as lying, blasphemy and having a dick and an imagination could be forgiven, what else could I get away with? So I proposed a hypothetical situation in which; a) I stay as myself [the lying, blaspheming, penis owner] and I die in two days time or b) I [the lying, blaspheming, penis owner] murdered someone tonight but except God into my life tomorrow, yet still die in two days time.

Which one would get into Heaven?

It turns out the due to fact the murderous Ben accepted 'The Big Guy in the Sky' into his life; he gets a 'Get Out of Hell, Free' card. While run of the mill Ben, that never murdered anyone has to perish in fire and brimstone for entirety, just because he didn't follow the herd.

After hearing this news, it quickly dawned on me that it doesn't matter how immoral, evil, sadistic, pain-inflicting you've been you can still get into Heaven if you've accepted God. So if Hitler had accepted God in that bunker before his suicide; he'd have got into Heaven [although, killing all those Jews would have given him a free-pass into Christian Heaven anyway], if Jimmy Savile was a believer, he'd be in there too trying to pin-down little cherubs and arse-fuck them! Plus all those inmates on death row over the years that find God after all the pain and suffering they've inflicted on innocent individuals and a trillion more scumbags that have done deeds that are unbearable to think about are all begging forgiveness... and due to the fact they've turned to the 'one true God' their slate is wiped clean!

… “Well, if murders can get in for free upon admitting their sins to God, I don't think I want to go to Heaven” I told the lady.

But with my points made, if you start to think a little more deeply on the matter, Heaven isn't just filled with priests, good-doers and nice guys, it's also filled with the scum of the Earth, that just so happened to cut a metaphorical deal with God before they bit the dust. On this basis, Heaven probably has more murders and rapists than hell. And whose in hell; a bunch of people that didn't believe in God. OK, cool, I'll take hell please. I'd love to have a chat with Charles Darwin, thanks. Plus the devil is a fallen angel that went against God, so he's in charge of all the non-believers? How exactly does that pan out?

Devil: “Hey, you didn't believe in that guy I have an eternal grudge with and I'm supposed to punish you for it... and for all the actions you did that he doesn't agree with... which I'm now against, as I'm the complete opposite of him... so fuck it! Let's get some illegal downloads on the go, roll a couple of joints and a burn a Bible or nine!”

[Dragging you back to the story:] God's Spokesperson #54012254 then began to get into a confusing metaphor about a parachute. I think it started out as God being the parachute and life being the skydive and having to rely on 'God/parachute' to survive. I can't confirm this because I was already thinking of my next sentence and this lady was still rambling on even though she'd lost the metaphor two minutes prior.

When she finally took a breath, I hopped on the chance to hijack her parachute metaphor with; “Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they're open [a beautiful quote from Sir James Dewar - that I once saw on Facebook]... so shouldn't me and you question whether or not Christianity is the one, true religion?“

This 'making someone question their own religion' question went down like a 'making someone question their own religion' question [sorry, there's no funny metaphor for that analogy]. She went on to quote; “Jesus stated he his the prophet of the one true God” [or words to the effect]. To which, I said; “I'm sure Mohammed would have said the same in the Quran.” Which to be fair, I'm not 100% on, but I'm just going on my knowledge of the bullshit religions churn out.

She then began to interrogate me on other religious texts, to which I have little experience outside of Buddhism [but that's not technically a 'religion' and wasn't an '-ism' until white folks turned up – that's not a diss on Buddhists, by the way]. To which I countered; “I obviously can't state that as fact, due to growing up in a [somewhat] Christian country I wasn't granted all the in depth learning of each religious texts when compared to the Bible.”

But that's simply the truth. Religion is usually deemed by your region [of the world], no wonder those words are so similar. To me, religions are just like supermarkets, it doesn't really matter which one has the best stuff on offer you just go to the one that closest or you align with the one your parents took you to.

[Dragging you back to the story, again:] I continued to walk towards my harrowing destination of work as God's Spokesperson #54012254 forced her religion on me. I'll skip ahead to the ending as all of that riveting back-n-forth dialogue quickly evolved [although she'd deny that] into benign banter.

We said how goodbyes and she committed that she hopes she sees me in Heaven, which was spooky, and sounded like some murder, suicide plan she'd hatched for me.

And that's it.

*Wait, that was a terrible metaphor as that NEVER HAPPENED!