Advice to Aspiring Battle Rappers [Part 2]

So this began with Advice for Aspiring Battle Rappers – although it's slightly began to change into me cataloguing my experiences of attempting to secure myself a rap battle. This is Part 2 of that never-ending saga.

So what do you do after you've penned three rounds of bars that you've finally realised you'll never get to use against anyone else?

It's obvious … you post them on a battle rap forum for your own kind [battle rap geeks] to judge, in the hope to seek admiration. You hit 'post', the thread comes up, you get a bit nervous; “Wait... will they read it how it's supposed to be performed?”... no probably not. Well done, you've opened yourself up to a possible barrage of insults from people you don't know! This is the internet, you twat! In which people hide behind alias so they can slag you off to their heart's content!

You sit. You wait. You repeatedly hit refresh. “How come 'X', 'Y' and 'Z', have viewed the thread and not left a comment... can't they see my genius?” You ask yourself. You sit a little longer. You wait a little longer. Eventually you have to sleep, staring at a computer screen for ten hours straight can take it's toll on anyone.

It's hard to push the thought of it out of your head, you've busted your metaphorical balls on the these metaphors, and nobody is willing to acknowledge that. BALLS!

Finally you see there's been a couple of responses to your post. With a shaking hand you move the cursor over the the thread and click. As the page loads you're filled with dread and excitement. You scroll down with your heart in your throat like you're dining at Hannibal's house [punchlines for days]. You read the replies... they're favourable. Some constructive criticism but the majority are supportive. Even a Don't Flop battler you like quotes a line and says it's a “fantastic bar” [shout out to Shuffle-T].

Real Screen Print... No Photoshop

You should be happy, people appreciate what you've written but now there's a nagging in the back of your head; “if only that cunt had've turned up!” It becomes infuriating but what can you do?

Skip ahead awhile and after the dust settles, you think; “fuck it, may as well give it another go”. It's a little easier the second time around, although you never got that battle you've kind of got your foot in door like over-pushy Jehovah Witnesses [punchlines for weeks]. So you go about setting up another battle.

And you get one. And your opponent has battled a couple of times before, even had a try-out for Don't Flop [the UK's #1 Rap Battle League]. This is a massive advantage to you, he's battled before you have plenty of material to study and plenty of angles to use, while he's battling you; a nobody. Plus this guy wants to make a name for himself in battle rap, so he's bound to turn up.

So boom; you get down to writing again. And luckily for you your opponent is quite lanky and he isn't the best looking chap in the world, so there's plenty to say on that matter;

Is it me or; has Tim Westwood's orphaned lad - started talking black,
as a performance act - to plead towards his awful dad
Or maybe; Steven Hawkins has - finally contort his back, [...and...]
by a BLACK-burn-HOLE; been transported back and taught to rap

Or is this; a zombie from 28 Days Later's supporting cast?
Or … has someone stretched Gollum on a torture-rack?
No it's a Morbid twat … that's only alive because his parents adored the fact;
his umbilical cord 'wun't' snap in their abortion pact

Doubt settles in though. You start to realise no matter how strong your pen game you still have to perform this material better than your counter-part, he's had plenty of practice. You write a couple of personal schemes that you think will give you the crowd reaction you need and then you concentrate on your performance.

Eventually you get it down. There's a confidence about you that wasn't there the first time around. All those positive comments on the forum have got you a little gassed up.

Then you get a Facebook message.

Your opponent has pulled out due to some legal trouble. It's frustrating but not out of character for the bloke, you've been doing your research, you know he's a bit of a wrong 'un. While this totally deflates you, you cast your eye back over your bars and probably count your blessings because;

In my eyes; shouting about a battler's loved ones until ya lung's collapse is fucking wack
Cos we came to see if our punches match - not turn this into a punching match

Cos I don't need to call your baby mum; a slut or slag, so someone braps

Or negatively mention your son in raps, cos I'm sure he's sweeter than a pussy cat

And I bet that child loves you... but do you really love the brat?
Cos being a father to a budding chap means more than getting a humongous tat'

Cos I heard you got involved in a shoving match,
and some cunt got slapped, so it escalated into thumps and jabs,

and you got put on tag, [was facing jail] but luckily in fact; it never come to that,

But if it did; picture yourself serving a sentence as tons of months go pass
As you miss your son's first sentence; “Mum, when is Daddy coming back?”
Then question; Is that really how someone with a son should act?

… probably would have got you a stern punch in the face and a couple of kicks would have had you sprawled out of the floor like unfurling a rug [punchlines for months].

But wait... because it's fucking happened again. Your one man mission to be a purist and write only for the person in front of you has bit you on the arse like a kinky prostitute [punchlines for years]. So you've got three rounds of angles you can't use on anyone else, did you not learn your lesson the first time around?

Another battle is arranged. The emcee hosting the event's mate will step up to battle you, he's going to tag along to the event anyway, so this time you know he'll definitely be in attendance.

So back to square one. Research. Write. Practice.

You're getting pretty good as these aspects. But the doubt in your head is performing in front of people. This time you take heed from past experiences and throw in a couple of schemes relating to TV shows you're obsessed with so even if this guy pulls out – which he definitely not do – you have something you can reuse.

It's less than a week from your battle, you've got everything set. You're not as confident with this material as you were for the other battle, but fuck it, this new chap is borderline shit so it shouldn't be too hard to beat him.

Then you get another Facebook message.

You're new opponent has pulled out – what the fuck is this Groundhog Day? Fuck sake!

It's at this moment it begins to settle in... maybe this battle rap t'ing isn't really for you.

End of Part 2.