It has reached that time of the year, the few weeks in which the shitty little island we inhabit gets warm, then a little warmer, then hot and eventually too hot for our pasty skin to take and we simply stop functioning. And the strangest thing happens; we begin to complain that it’s too hot for us. For many people summer is their favourite season. This is because they get to moan about how hot it is, instead of how cold it is, but just for good measure, there will be showers of rain ... that they can also moan about. But this is England, the population is held together by cups of tea and moaning, it’s simply what we do.
So, as the sun appears from behind the clouds and starts to beam down onto us and we get sunburn, let us enjoy this time of the year in the old fashioned way that we always have with beer and BBQs. I’m an avid fan of BBQs, and I’ve been thinking about them a lot recently (like you have a fucking life – don’t judge me!). The main matter to do with BBQs that I was mulling over is that they are often seen as an Australian past time; “Another shrimp on the Barbie?” ... or whatever that saying is. Firstly I’d like to point out that I’ve never seen anyone put a shrimp on a BBQ, is it even possible to cook shrimp in this way? Anyway, I’m not writing to discuss shrimps, I’m discussing BBQs being an Australian past time. I’m putting forward a point; BBQ is British! Through and through until the end! BBQs are just as British as cups of tea and moaning, yeah ... I said it.
Let us not forget that most of the Australian population is made up of British criminals exiled all those years ago, within them British citizens laid the need to BBQ. The thing is Australia sees plenty more sunshine than the UK, so they are able to BBQ as much as they want, whereas us Brits only get a short time every year to poison each other with undercooked burgers.
So what am I proposing? Simple ... a war with Australia over the rights to owning BBQs. For too long Australia has been linked with BBQs and it’s not right, or fair. The BBQ is British! It’s time the Government took notice, a war with Australia is bound to boost Gordon Brown’s popularity ... but at this moment in time anything short of releasing a sex tape of him and his wife will boost Brown’s popularity. This is a war we can all get behind; we’re fighting for our national heritage!
I know many of you are thinking we could possibly loose this war, seeing as it seems as if we have failed in Afghanistan and Iraq. But in those places we were fighting intelligent evil masterminds. What does Australia have? Kangaroos and surfers! Two easy targets; surfers aren’t a threat and as for kangaroos, I’d never attempt to get in a boxing ring with one, but this is war, simply bomb the weird looking freaks of nature.
On another note, it seems that with the sun comes beautiful girls. They are everywhere, I can’t walk to the shop without falling over a scantily clad girl that looks so good you simply want to throw yourself at her and hope for the best. Although the best so far as been a restraining order ... the worst being getting pepper-sprayed and having to appear in court next week on a charge of exposing myself in public (Not Guilty!).
I have come to the conclusion that beautiful girls are either solar-powered robots or they hibernate from September until June. To further this conclusion I’m attempting to kidnap two beautiful girls, for the study of science (of course) to see if either of my predictions is true. I’ll leave one to see if she hibernates and as for the other I will peel her skin off to see if she is a robot. Stay tuned for the results.
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