Like many people, I often wonder how I’m going to die. I’m so interested in the matter that I have compiled a list of possibilities, which relates to my personality. The possible ways I will die are accompanied with percentages relating to how likely that possibility is.
1% chance of dying in a Terrorist Attack
I do use public transport quite often so this makes me a possible target, but at the same time I don’t think Derby/Sutton-in-Ashfield are prime locations for terrorist attacks. Although as an atheist extremist, I believe I will equipped with knowledge to talk any religious fanatic out of blowing themselves up due to the fact their God(s) don’t actually exist.
2% chance of being killed in a South-East Asian jail after being accused of being a paedophile.
No Comment.
5% chance of getting hit by a Car.
To me the road is like a really attractive girl that I stand no chance with, so I just don’t pay attention to it ... what’s the point? Cars have brakes, they should brake for me whenever I choose to step out into traffic, I’m Ben Broughton, who are they? More than likely they’re some prick in a car.
10% chance of ODing on Drugs
I’m not heavy into drugs like I used to be when I was younger, but I still dabble every once in a while. But my tolerance has shot down, so I’d easily be stupid enough to drop a handful of pills and just die. At least I’d be going out on a high ... get it? Going out on a “high”! I’m so fucking funny sometimes, I surprise myself!
19% chance of dying from a STI
With a combined love of prostitutes and a hatred of condoms, in my opinion the only thing that should have a rubber is a pencil, not a penis, sexually transmitted diseases are likely. But it my eyes it’s much better to die of a disease you caught from shagging, than dying a virgin.
24% chance of getting Stabbed/Shot
Now, I’m in no way implying I hang out in rough areas with rough people doing rough things. But I have a bit of a mouth on me, that it times works on auto-pilot, especially when alcohol has been consumed by that very mouth. And my mouth has often got me into trouble before, thankfully my legs were able to get my out of those situations, but that was then this is now and my legs aren’t what they used to be.
39% chance of committing Suicide
I’m in now way emo, I’m not into self-harming at all, but suicide is a completely different matter. In my opinion if you are going to do something, do it right. It is said that men think about sex every six seconds or so, but I think about suicide every six seconds or so. I see it as the best way to get out of a bad situation, girlfriend on your back too much ... nip to the bathroom and slit your wrists. That’ll show the bitch! But it’s not just matters that relate to women, it could be anything that makes me want to commit, from; having to wash the pots, having to wake up to work, having a come down ... It’s not that I’m mentally unstable; it’s just that sometimes death would be much better than living.
Thursday 21 May 2009
Monday 4 May 2009
Old Age Persecution
You pass them everyday in the street; they’re a nuisance to the country and in fact to the rest of the world. They stink of a repulsive mix of their own piss and Vicks vapour rub. They go by many names; the undead, coffin dodgers, grandma and grandpa ... basically, I’m talking about old people! And I mean old people, not ‘older’ people – like some of them would like you to believe. What is the deal with these decrepit zombies? If medical experts spent more time concentrating on diseases instead of keeping the barely living alive the world wouldn’t be so crowded!
The young are constantly ridiculed but it’s time we turn the tables. Kids kill each other because they live in the fucked up world old people have created. We have to recycle because of the decades of wasteful behaviour of those that went before us. It all falls on us, and its bullshit. While old people sit in retirement homes being waited on hand and foot. But I suppose it’s hard watching daytime TV, drinking tea and having someone wipe your wrinkly old ass every time you take a shit.
Respect out elders? Fuck that! Tell granddad you don’t give a shit about how many Nazis he killed in World War Two because it doesn’t matter. I’d like to see him complete Call of Duty on the hardest level.
I think it’s time we took the Harold Shipman approach to old people. Let’s start knocking them off. They no longer serve a purpose in this day and age, unless cluttering up high streets across England in the daytime is now a purpose! If I’m yet to win you over with this point I’ve been nice enough to compile a list of reasons to hate old people;
- They smell. They really do, it’s horrendous. The stench of death is what I like to refer to it as. It smells so vile it pieces the nostrils with its intensity and brings tears to the eyes.
- They pay for everything in pennies. Seriously, most of them are sitting on a mint but they wait like drones in any queue, in any shop to buy something stupid with a fucking purse full of pennies.
- They always buy the worst gifts. Whenever your birthday or Christmas rolls around you can always rely on your grandparents to buy you the worst gifts. I always used to save their gifts for last so no matter what everyone else got you it would be great in comparison to what grandma and granddad got you.
- They’re ugly. I understand that no matter the age you have some ugly people, but all old people are ugly, and it you disagree you’re a fucking sicko. When you lose your teeth, hair, looks and sanity that’s nature’s way of telling you that you should have already lost your pulse!
- They can’t drive. Young, new drivers are always pointed at for being bad, but why don’t we ever hear the statistics of individuals over 60 involved on road accidents? I’m willing to bet it’s a high number. At least young drivers die on the road because they’re racing or out running the police, instead of old people that probably fall to sleep or cause accidents when the piss themselves and look down to view the wet patch increase on their lap.
- They’re always trying to tell you stories. I honestly don’t give a fuck about what it was like for them growing up. I’ve heard shit like; “Back when I was young we didn’t have to lock our doors, we could trust people.” Wrong old-timer! You didn’t have to lock your doors because you had nothing good to steal!
So by now I’m hoping that I’ve won you over with my arguments and excellent points in eliminating these people. But now you’re wanting to know how can we get rid of these blue badge holding motherfuckers? I have a few ideas. Start pumping gas into old people’s homes, gas them like the Nazis did to the Jews, it will be nostalgic for most of them. Of course I love the irony of them dying in a way that they risked their lives to stop happening to others. Or alternatively set retirement homes on fire. Of course both of these ways will kill younger people working at these facilities but that that’s a risk I’m willing to take. In any war there’s casualties on both sides, this is no different. I also thought lacing Werther’s Originals with anthrax is an ideal way of taking plenty of them out. I’m still developing more plans as I type this, but I don’t want to give to much away because when the number of mysterious deaths amongst OAPs grows I don’t want the police at my door, again.
The young are constantly ridiculed but it’s time we turn the tables. Kids kill each other because they live in the fucked up world old people have created. We have to recycle because of the decades of wasteful behaviour of those that went before us. It all falls on us, and its bullshit. While old people sit in retirement homes being waited on hand and foot. But I suppose it’s hard watching daytime TV, drinking tea and having someone wipe your wrinkly old ass every time you take a shit.
Respect out elders? Fuck that! Tell granddad you don’t give a shit about how many Nazis he killed in World War Two because it doesn’t matter. I’d like to see him complete Call of Duty on the hardest level.
I think it’s time we took the Harold Shipman approach to old people. Let’s start knocking them off. They no longer serve a purpose in this day and age, unless cluttering up high streets across England in the daytime is now a purpose! If I’m yet to win you over with this point I’ve been nice enough to compile a list of reasons to hate old people;
- They smell. They really do, it’s horrendous. The stench of death is what I like to refer to it as. It smells so vile it pieces the nostrils with its intensity and brings tears to the eyes.
- They pay for everything in pennies. Seriously, most of them are sitting on a mint but they wait like drones in any queue, in any shop to buy something stupid with a fucking purse full of pennies.
- They always buy the worst gifts. Whenever your birthday or Christmas rolls around you can always rely on your grandparents to buy you the worst gifts. I always used to save their gifts for last so no matter what everyone else got you it would be great in comparison to what grandma and granddad got you.
- They’re ugly. I understand that no matter the age you have some ugly people, but all old people are ugly, and it you disagree you’re a fucking sicko. When you lose your teeth, hair, looks and sanity that’s nature’s way of telling you that you should have already lost your pulse!
- They can’t drive. Young, new drivers are always pointed at for being bad, but why don’t we ever hear the statistics of individuals over 60 involved on road accidents? I’m willing to bet it’s a high number. At least young drivers die on the road because they’re racing or out running the police, instead of old people that probably fall to sleep or cause accidents when the piss themselves and look down to view the wet patch increase on their lap.
- They’re always trying to tell you stories. I honestly don’t give a fuck about what it was like for them growing up. I’ve heard shit like; “Back when I was young we didn’t have to lock our doors, we could trust people.” Wrong old-timer! You didn’t have to lock your doors because you had nothing good to steal!
So by now I’m hoping that I’ve won you over with my arguments and excellent points in eliminating these people. But now you’re wanting to know how can we get rid of these blue badge holding motherfuckers? I have a few ideas. Start pumping gas into old people’s homes, gas them like the Nazis did to the Jews, it will be nostalgic for most of them. Of course I love the irony of them dying in a way that they risked their lives to stop happening to others. Or alternatively set retirement homes on fire. Of course both of these ways will kill younger people working at these facilities but that that’s a risk I’m willing to take. In any war there’s casualties on both sides, this is no different. I also thought lacing Werther’s Originals with anthrax is an ideal way of taking plenty of them out. I’m still developing more plans as I type this, but I don’t want to give to much away because when the number of mysterious deaths amongst OAPs grows I don’t want the police at my door, again.
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