How many mistresses has Tiger Woods had?
FOUR!!!!
Wednesday 9 December 2009
The Socialist Exception that Proves the Socialist Rule
I’m a socialist. Well at least I think I am.
I honestly believe that socialism is better than capitalism.
The problem is that I’m not sure how to go about being a socialist. To me it seems as if socialists fall into this stereotypical role of spouting off about the ills of capitalism and how Karl Marx was so great. While I may share those views, am I just towing a line? Or is that the basis of being a socialist? Is that all it takes? It’s so fucking confusing at times.
Surely there is some kind of pamphlet out there that can educate me on the key points of being a socialist. But this raises more problems for me, because if I need a pamphlet to tell me how to be a socialist, am I even a socialist? You see, it’s fucking confusing!
Of course, when you admit to being a socialist you open yourself up to a barrage of insults and people look down on you as if you somehow had something to do with aiding Stalin or Mao. So let me just make it clear that I have never met or helped Stalin or Mao in anyway possible. Living in a capitalist society often leads to socialism being under attack from the media. McCarthyism anyone?
The problem is that big business runs the capitalist world we live in, not governments. Those with the most money have the most power. Capitalism caters to a select few and it caters to them well. In fact it caters to them so well that they don’t want it to stop, why would they? That’s why media tycoons portray socialists as nut jobs. That’s why we go to war. That’s why America was so terrified of communism creeping in during the Red Scares, heaven forbid that a political ideology in which profits should be distributed equally instead of the bourgeoisie taking the lump sum enter a country that survives by profiting off of cheap labour elsewhere in the world!
Marx was right! And yet you still sit there without taking much notice. Don’t get me wrong, terrible things have been done by people claiming be working to Marx’s ideologies, but the man himself would have never supported those actions taken. Much like American Christian Fundamentalists murdering doctors that perform abortions, we don’t blame God, we blame the fucking metal pro-lifer* that took it upon himself to kill another human being. Marx is not too blame for what took place, as he had no control over what people did in his name, much like God has no control over what those feeble minded people that choose to live their lives dedicated to an unreal deity do in his name. Religion is the opiate of the masses after all.
But returning to socialism, it’s the underdog of the political ideologies, even fascists are doing better in Britain! Am I the only one that thinks there is no longer a voice for the left? There is supposed to be an anti-corporate movement happening; demonstrations against the G20. But yet the left has no representatives. The BBC is more likely to give air-time to Nick Griffin than a Marxist.
Maybe I’m just confused again. Maybe it is only me thinking this socialism thing is a good thing. Seeing as Britain is now so right-wing, fascists are allowed on television channels (funded by the public) to spout of their fucked up bullshit. In paying for my TV licence, I helped fund the BNP getting its message across. What a fucking disgrace. What next for the BBC? Adolf Hitler hosting the new episode of Have I Got News For You? Abu Hamza as a guest on The Graham Norton Show, promoting his new book and “death to the infidels”!? Is that it? While I’ve been caught up in this socialism ‘thing’ the whole fucking country has become so right-wing, they make Bill O’Reilly look like a communist swine?
There was no real purpose for this Blog, I just wanted to talk about being a socialist, and as it turns out I am one, reading back through what I have written I notice I talk on the ills of capitalism and big up Karl Marx. Maybe that is the basis of being a socialist, maybe that’s all there is to being a socialist.
I honestly believe that socialism is better than capitalism.
The problem is that I’m not sure how to go about being a socialist. To me it seems as if socialists fall into this stereotypical role of spouting off about the ills of capitalism and how Karl Marx was so great. While I may share those views, am I just towing a line? Or is that the basis of being a socialist? Is that all it takes? It’s so fucking confusing at times.
Surely there is some kind of pamphlet out there that can educate me on the key points of being a socialist. But this raises more problems for me, because if I need a pamphlet to tell me how to be a socialist, am I even a socialist? You see, it’s fucking confusing!
Of course, when you admit to being a socialist you open yourself up to a barrage of insults and people look down on you as if you somehow had something to do with aiding Stalin or Mao. So let me just make it clear that I have never met or helped Stalin or Mao in anyway possible. Living in a capitalist society often leads to socialism being under attack from the media. McCarthyism anyone?
The problem is that big business runs the capitalist world we live in, not governments. Those with the most money have the most power. Capitalism caters to a select few and it caters to them well. In fact it caters to them so well that they don’t want it to stop, why would they? That’s why media tycoons portray socialists as nut jobs. That’s why we go to war. That’s why America was so terrified of communism creeping in during the Red Scares, heaven forbid that a political ideology in which profits should be distributed equally instead of the bourgeoisie taking the lump sum enter a country that survives by profiting off of cheap labour elsewhere in the world!
Marx was right! And yet you still sit there without taking much notice. Don’t get me wrong, terrible things have been done by people claiming be working to Marx’s ideologies, but the man himself would have never supported those actions taken. Much like American Christian Fundamentalists murdering doctors that perform abortions, we don’t blame God, we blame the fucking metal pro-lifer* that took it upon himself to kill another human being. Marx is not too blame for what took place, as he had no control over what people did in his name, much like God has no control over what those feeble minded people that choose to live their lives dedicated to an unreal deity do in his name. Religion is the opiate of the masses after all.
But returning to socialism, it’s the underdog of the political ideologies, even fascists are doing better in Britain! Am I the only one that thinks there is no longer a voice for the left? There is supposed to be an anti-corporate movement happening; demonstrations against the G20. But yet the left has no representatives. The BBC is more likely to give air-time to Nick Griffin than a Marxist.
Maybe I’m just confused again. Maybe it is only me thinking this socialism thing is a good thing. Seeing as Britain is now so right-wing, fascists are allowed on television channels (funded by the public) to spout of their fucked up bullshit. In paying for my TV licence, I helped fund the BNP getting its message across. What a fucking disgrace. What next for the BBC? Adolf Hitler hosting the new episode of Have I Got News For You? Abu Hamza as a guest on The Graham Norton Show, promoting his new book and “death to the infidels”!? Is that it? While I’ve been caught up in this socialism ‘thing’ the whole fucking country has become so right-wing, they make Bill O’Reilly look like a communist swine?
There was no real purpose for this Blog, I just wanted to talk about being a socialist, and as it turns out I am one, reading back through what I have written I notice I talk on the ills of capitalism and big up Karl Marx. Maybe that is the basis of being a socialist, maybe that’s all there is to being a socialist.
Friday 20 November 2009
Why I Hate ... Drum & Bass
OK, this has been a long time coming. The only reason that I’ve held back from writing this Blog is that my Blog is only read by my friends and the majority of my friends fucking love Drum & Bass, so it’s bound to do down like a shit sandwich, but sadly I couldn’t hold back anymore, because the fact of the matter is Drum & Bass is fucking shit! Yeah, I said it!
I know it’s easy to look at a different type of music from the outside and make harsh judgements on it, but I’m not on the outside looking in, Drum & Bass plagues my life every-fucking-day, and not just recently but this has been the case for quite a few years now. The last time I lived with someone who wasn’t constantly obsessed with Drum & Bass was when I lived at home, four years ago. So before anyone starts pointing a fucking finger in my direction and claiming; “You can’t hate something you know nothing about”, I’d like to make it clear that I know about Drum & Bass, so I’m fucking more than welcome to talk shit about it, so fuck you!
Firstly Drum & Bass is not music.
Music conveys emotion. Every song in any other genre of music conveys emotion, from pop to death metal. But Drum & Bass doesn’t. The only time it does is when the listener is high on pills. But face it, on pills an empty can of Coca-Cola falling down a flight of stairs, clinking on every-step sounds as if it’s music conveying emotion. It’s a sad state of affairs when a whole genre of ‘music’ can be only appreciated (I use this term loosely) when the listener is out of their normal state of mind.
I know people say this about many forms of ‘music’, but in this case it’s completely true; all Drum & Bass songs sound the same. They really do. Every time I hear a Drum & Bass track, no matter which talentless artist has made it, I get a case of déjà vu! It’s freaky!
And when it comes to Drum & Bass emcees, oh my days....! I thought the majority of Grime artists were terrible. The best Drum & Bass emcee makes the worst Grime emcee look like a musical mastermind. It’s just that Drum & Bass lyrics lack a fundamental essential; LYRICS. It’s just fucking muffled gibberish. I feel like I’m listening to someone taking my order at a McDonalds Drive-Thru. They could be speaking Korean for all I know. I do prefer Drum & Bass without vocals to be honest, because then at least you only have to deal with the appalling beat instead of having my ears tortured by an appalling beat and an incomprehendable drivel being spat out by some obnoxious cunt.
It may be harsh to label all Drum & Bass emcees “obnoxious cunts”, so I’d like to say that I’m sure they’re not all obnoxious cunts. I’m sure the Drum & Bass emcee scene is made up of obnoxious twats, obnoxious bastards, obnoxious fucks and obnoxious [add own expletive word here] too.
As I have previously mentioned plenty of my friends listen to Drum & Bass and while I have no medical credentials or no scientific proof to back up the following point, I do believe (from my own experiences) that it is still true; Drum and Bass makes people stupid. When most of my friends started listening to it I saw a rapid decline in their intelligence. They began finding it hard to concentrate on the simplest tasks, this went on to the point were some of them could no longer tie their shoes or even spell their own names.
Another aspect of Drum & Bass is that it seems as if almost everyone that listens to it is a Drum & Bass DJ. I know five people that are Drum & Bass DJ’s! Five! I’d take a wild stab in the dark and estimate that a good 95% of people that listen to Drum & Bass are in fact DJs. The pendulum* has swung in favour of them, now there are more people playing Drum & Bass records than listening to them! The major increase of Drum & Bass DJs makes the global expansion of companies like McDonalds and Starbucks look pathetic. Official figures state that there are approximately 3,000 new Drum & Bass DJs everyday. If this continues it is likely that people such as myself and others that don’t like Drum & Bass will be rounded up and put into camps. Seeing as we will be the minority, we will then be allocated to a Drum & Bass DJ, chained to his (or her) decks and forced to listen to their 24 hour set, just so every Drum & Bass DJ has an audience. When that day comes I advice all those like me to chew at your own wrists until you’ve done so much damage that you eventually bleed to death.
One of my biggest gripes with Drum & Bass is that people actually think I listen to it or like it. Of course it seems silly to hate something because people think you like it, shouldn’t my gripe be with this idiotic morons that believe I would like such shit? No, my gripe should be with Drum & Bass, because if it didn’t exist I wouldn’t have this problem. I’m constantly being asked if I’ve heard the new track by some D&B fuckwit! Or I’m being asked if I’m going to the next Drum & Bass night. Asking me if I like Drum & Bass is akin to asking me if I like jamming a Phillips-head screwdriver down my urethra. So, no I don’t like Drum & Bass, in fact if you’re yet to work it out from the title or from the rant above, I’ll just clarify one more time; I fucking hate Drum & Bass.
Thanks for your time.
*Get it? I used ‘pendulum’ in a Blog about Drum & Bass! I’m so clever.
I know it’s easy to look at a different type of music from the outside and make harsh judgements on it, but I’m not on the outside looking in, Drum & Bass plagues my life every-fucking-day, and not just recently but this has been the case for quite a few years now. The last time I lived with someone who wasn’t constantly obsessed with Drum & Bass was when I lived at home, four years ago. So before anyone starts pointing a fucking finger in my direction and claiming; “You can’t hate something you know nothing about”, I’d like to make it clear that I know about Drum & Bass, so I’m fucking more than welcome to talk shit about it, so fuck you!
Firstly Drum & Bass is not music.
Music conveys emotion. Every song in any other genre of music conveys emotion, from pop to death metal. But Drum & Bass doesn’t. The only time it does is when the listener is high on pills. But face it, on pills an empty can of Coca-Cola falling down a flight of stairs, clinking on every-step sounds as if it’s music conveying emotion. It’s a sad state of affairs when a whole genre of ‘music’ can be only appreciated (I use this term loosely) when the listener is out of their normal state of mind.
I know people say this about many forms of ‘music’, but in this case it’s completely true; all Drum & Bass songs sound the same. They really do. Every time I hear a Drum & Bass track, no matter which talentless artist has made it, I get a case of déjà vu! It’s freaky!
And when it comes to Drum & Bass emcees, oh my days....! I thought the majority of Grime artists were terrible. The best Drum & Bass emcee makes the worst Grime emcee look like a musical mastermind. It’s just that Drum & Bass lyrics lack a fundamental essential; LYRICS. It’s just fucking muffled gibberish. I feel like I’m listening to someone taking my order at a McDonalds Drive-Thru. They could be speaking Korean for all I know. I do prefer Drum & Bass without vocals to be honest, because then at least you only have to deal with the appalling beat instead of having my ears tortured by an appalling beat and an incomprehendable drivel being spat out by some obnoxious cunt.
It may be harsh to label all Drum & Bass emcees “obnoxious cunts”, so I’d like to say that I’m sure they’re not all obnoxious cunts. I’m sure the Drum & Bass emcee scene is made up of obnoxious twats, obnoxious bastards, obnoxious fucks and obnoxious [add own expletive word here] too.
As I have previously mentioned plenty of my friends listen to Drum & Bass and while I have no medical credentials or no scientific proof to back up the following point, I do believe (from my own experiences) that it is still true; Drum and Bass makes people stupid. When most of my friends started listening to it I saw a rapid decline in their intelligence. They began finding it hard to concentrate on the simplest tasks, this went on to the point were some of them could no longer tie their shoes or even spell their own names.
Another aspect of Drum & Bass is that it seems as if almost everyone that listens to it is a Drum & Bass DJ. I know five people that are Drum & Bass DJ’s! Five! I’d take a wild stab in the dark and estimate that a good 95% of people that listen to Drum & Bass are in fact DJs. The pendulum* has swung in favour of them, now there are more people playing Drum & Bass records than listening to them! The major increase of Drum & Bass DJs makes the global expansion of companies like McDonalds and Starbucks look pathetic. Official figures state that there are approximately 3,000 new Drum & Bass DJs everyday. If this continues it is likely that people such as myself and others that don’t like Drum & Bass will be rounded up and put into camps. Seeing as we will be the minority, we will then be allocated to a Drum & Bass DJ, chained to his (or her) decks and forced to listen to their 24 hour set, just so every Drum & Bass DJ has an audience. When that day comes I advice all those like me to chew at your own wrists until you’ve done so much damage that you eventually bleed to death.
One of my biggest gripes with Drum & Bass is that people actually think I listen to it or like it. Of course it seems silly to hate something because people think you like it, shouldn’t my gripe be with this idiotic morons that believe I would like such shit? No, my gripe should be with Drum & Bass, because if it didn’t exist I wouldn’t have this problem. I’m constantly being asked if I’ve heard the new track by some D&B fuckwit! Or I’m being asked if I’m going to the next Drum & Bass night. Asking me if I like Drum & Bass is akin to asking me if I like jamming a Phillips-head screwdriver down my urethra. So, no I don’t like Drum & Bass, in fact if you’re yet to work it out from the title or from the rant above, I’ll just clarify one more time; I fucking hate Drum & Bass.
Thanks for your time.
*Get it? I used ‘pendulum’ in a Blog about Drum & Bass! I’m so clever.
Wednesday 4 November 2009
Are you a Gangsta Rapper?
The world of Gangsta Rap is over-populated to say the least, with new artists trying to get involved everyday. But I have took it upon myself to put together an examination for wannabe Gangsta Rappers to take to see if they have what it really takes to make it in the industry.
1) It is rumoured that Jimmy the Crackhead has been informing the authorities about your illegal activities. What do you do?
a) Write him a letter asking him if the rumours are true.
b) Confront him face to face and ask him politely.
c) Ignore the silly rumours, they’re probably not true, Jimmy’s a nice guy really.
d) Go and pistol whip that motherfuckin’ snitch!
2) You are at a nightclub and you ask a girl to dance, she refuses. What do you do?
a) Move on to the next girl.
b) Go and sit down and order another Orange Juice.
c) I wouldn’t be found in a night club.
d) Call her a “Stank-ass hoe” and glass her with a bottle of Hennessy.
3) You get your record advance, its $25,000. What do you do with it?
a) Put it in the bank, best not to spend it all at once.
b) Buy something nice for your mother.
c) Give a little to charity.
d) Spend $15,000 on crack, distribute that, double you’re money then buy some jewellery and a nice car with them rims that spin!
4) Another up-and-coming Gangsta Rapper ‘disses’ you on a track. What do you do?
a) Update your Twitter page saying; “I heard [artist’s name]’s track. I like it, there’s no animosity at all.”
b) Settle the ‘beef’ with a nice phone call.
c) Bless him and pray that God guides him in the correct path.
d) Run up in his baby mama’s crib, tape that bitch up and trash the whole motherfuckin’ house, ‘cos you ain’t no motherfuckin’ punk and you ain’t takin’ that shit from a bitch-ass-motherfucker!
5) What is your ideal day? Choose from the following;
a) Not waking until noon, a nice cup of tea then maybe a nice long walk later.
b) A trip to the library to get out a couple of books.
c) Read some of the Bible, then have a little prayer.
d) Getting brain from Shaquenta the neighbourhood chicken-head, drinkin’ some 40s, smokin’ some blunts then maybe a drive-by later.
6) Out of the following list, which is your favourite movie?
a) American Beauty
b) Carry On Camping
c) Anything with Tom Hanks in.
d) Scarface
7) Out of the following, Who is most likely to be your idol?
a) George W Bush
b) Karl Marx
c) God
d) Tupac
8) Which of these words best describe you?
a) Law-abiding citizen
b) Loving husband and dedicated father
c) Pope
d) Hustler
9) Out of the following which is most important?
a) Friends & Family
b) World Peace
c) Going to Heaven
d) Bling
10) Are you a Gangsta Rapper?
a) No
b) Don’t think so
c) No, I’m a man of God.
d) Yeah, boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!
If you answered mostly A’s;
You’re not a gangsta rapper, but you are a nice member of society. You may never have a multi-platinum selling Hip Hop album, but you’re less lightly to die in a hail of gunfire.
If you answered mostly B’s;
(See above)
If you answered mostly C’s;
You are the Pope, you should be doing you’re Pope business and not taking Quiz’s online! You are not a gangsta rapper and God doesn’t exisit (thought I’d let you know).
If you answered mostly D’s;
You are a gangsta rapper, congradulations, motherfucker! You could have a multi-platinum selling album, but seeing as the scene so over crowded you probably won’t.
1) It is rumoured that Jimmy the Crackhead has been informing the authorities about your illegal activities. What do you do?
a) Write him a letter asking him if the rumours are true.
b) Confront him face to face and ask him politely.
c) Ignore the silly rumours, they’re probably not true, Jimmy’s a nice guy really.
d) Go and pistol whip that motherfuckin’ snitch!
2) You are at a nightclub and you ask a girl to dance, she refuses. What do you do?
a) Move on to the next girl.
b) Go and sit down and order another Orange Juice.
c) I wouldn’t be found in a night club.
d) Call her a “Stank-ass hoe” and glass her with a bottle of Hennessy.
3) You get your record advance, its $25,000. What do you do with it?
a) Put it in the bank, best not to spend it all at once.
b) Buy something nice for your mother.
c) Give a little to charity.
d) Spend $15,000 on crack, distribute that, double you’re money then buy some jewellery and a nice car with them rims that spin!
4) Another up-and-coming Gangsta Rapper ‘disses’ you on a track. What do you do?
a) Update your Twitter page saying; “I heard [artist’s name]’s track. I like it, there’s no animosity at all.”
b) Settle the ‘beef’ with a nice phone call.
c) Bless him and pray that God guides him in the correct path.
d) Run up in his baby mama’s crib, tape that bitch up and trash the whole motherfuckin’ house, ‘cos you ain’t no motherfuckin’ punk and you ain’t takin’ that shit from a bitch-ass-motherfucker!
5) What is your ideal day? Choose from the following;
a) Not waking until noon, a nice cup of tea then maybe a nice long walk later.
b) A trip to the library to get out a couple of books.
c) Read some of the Bible, then have a little prayer.
d) Getting brain from Shaquenta the neighbourhood chicken-head, drinkin’ some 40s, smokin’ some blunts then maybe a drive-by later.
6) Out of the following list, which is your favourite movie?
a) American Beauty
b) Carry On Camping
c) Anything with Tom Hanks in.
d) Scarface
7) Out of the following, Who is most likely to be your idol?
a) George W Bush
b) Karl Marx
c) God
d) Tupac
8) Which of these words best describe you?
a) Law-abiding citizen
b) Loving husband and dedicated father
c) Pope
d) Hustler
9) Out of the following which is most important?
a) Friends & Family
b) World Peace
c) Going to Heaven
d) Bling
10) Are you a Gangsta Rapper?
a) No
b) Don’t think so
c) No, I’m a man of God.
d) Yeah, boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!
If you answered mostly A’s;
You’re not a gangsta rapper, but you are a nice member of society. You may never have a multi-platinum selling Hip Hop album, but you’re less lightly to die in a hail of gunfire.
If you answered mostly B’s;
(See above)
If you answered mostly C’s;
You are the Pope, you should be doing you’re Pope business and not taking Quiz’s online! You are not a gangsta rapper and God doesn’t exisit (thought I’d let you know).
If you answered mostly D’s;
You are a gangsta rapper, congradulations, motherfucker! You could have a multi-platinum selling album, but seeing as the scene so over crowded you probably won’t.
For Fawkes Sake!
It’s that time of the year in which we embrace an American holiday; Halloween, but we also celebrate that fact that some northerner wasn’t able to blow up Parliament in 1605. I am of course talking about Bonfire Night.
Now, I don’t know how many other countries celebrate failed assassination attempts but I’m guessing there aren’t many, which puts our certain kind of celebration in a class of its own.
The thing is at the end of the day all Bonfire Night is a gathering of people watching shit burn. We commemorate Parliament not being blown up by burning shit we don’t want for one night a year. Then stare at the bonfire like we’re some-type of unintelligible caveman staring at a plasma TV. “Woooo, look at the burny, burny!” We then stare into the sky to watch pretty lights, which always seem to be a let down. If I leave after watching some fireworks and I’m neither slightly deaf nor slightly blind, I’m not satisfied. I also love the way most adults try to say that the fireworks are for the children, when most kids are scared of them and would be more than happy with a sparkler. The fireworks are really for adults, just a nice little distraction for a couple of minutes to take your mind off your shitty lives.
At this time of the year it’s easy to see the difference between us and our American cousins, while they dress up scary costumes and go door to door asking for ‘treats’, we gather together for a tradition deep-rooted into our history. At the end of their night they get home to find a bag full of ‘candy’ and maybe a couple of dollars in their pocket and we end up stinking of smoke, covered in mud, occasionally drenched and often coming down with the first symptoms of a cold or flu.
To me it seems as if this British tradition has run its course. In this day and age in which most of the population hates the government and wouldn’t think twice about walking in Guy Fawkes shoes and attempting a Gun Powder Plot, maybe we shouldn’t commemorate a failed assassination attempt by standing around watching a big fire. When chavs stand around a stolen Corsa as it goes up in the flames that’s illegal, but it’s fine for members of the public to stand around a huge fire once a year. When tramps stand around a burning bin under some bridge they’re still smelly tramps and we point and laugh at them, then go on to stand around a bigger fire, you need to step back and wonder, are you any better than a bunch of chavs or tramps?
So what I propose for next year, is instead of the archaic tradition we should band together and attempt; Gun Powder Plot 2010; Mission Probable! No longer will we celebrate Guy Fawkes getting caught, instead we shall finish what he started.
Now, I don’t know how many other countries celebrate failed assassination attempts but I’m guessing there aren’t many, which puts our certain kind of celebration in a class of its own.
The thing is at the end of the day all Bonfire Night is a gathering of people watching shit burn. We commemorate Parliament not being blown up by burning shit we don’t want for one night a year. Then stare at the bonfire like we’re some-type of unintelligible caveman staring at a plasma TV. “Woooo, look at the burny, burny!” We then stare into the sky to watch pretty lights, which always seem to be a let down. If I leave after watching some fireworks and I’m neither slightly deaf nor slightly blind, I’m not satisfied. I also love the way most adults try to say that the fireworks are for the children, when most kids are scared of them and would be more than happy with a sparkler. The fireworks are really for adults, just a nice little distraction for a couple of minutes to take your mind off your shitty lives.
At this time of the year it’s easy to see the difference between us and our American cousins, while they dress up scary costumes and go door to door asking for ‘treats’, we gather together for a tradition deep-rooted into our history. At the end of their night they get home to find a bag full of ‘candy’ and maybe a couple of dollars in their pocket and we end up stinking of smoke, covered in mud, occasionally drenched and often coming down with the first symptoms of a cold or flu.
To me it seems as if this British tradition has run its course. In this day and age in which most of the population hates the government and wouldn’t think twice about walking in Guy Fawkes shoes and attempting a Gun Powder Plot, maybe we shouldn’t commemorate a failed assassination attempt by standing around watching a big fire. When chavs stand around a stolen Corsa as it goes up in the flames that’s illegal, but it’s fine for members of the public to stand around a huge fire once a year. When tramps stand around a burning bin under some bridge they’re still smelly tramps and we point and laugh at them, then go on to stand around a bigger fire, you need to step back and wonder, are you any better than a bunch of chavs or tramps?
So what I propose for next year, is instead of the archaic tradition we should band together and attempt; Gun Powder Plot 2010; Mission Probable! No longer will we celebrate Guy Fawkes getting caught, instead we shall finish what he started.
Wednesday 7 October 2009
Cumming of Age
So I recently turned the ripe age of 23. While most people will tell you adulthood begins at either 18 or 21, they are sadly mistaken, 23 is the age of adulthood. 21 is the last age of your youth, and the year you spend being 22 is the transition year.
So this is adulthood now, I’m no longer getting older, now I’m getting old.
The thing is since I turned 23 my life has changed dramatically. While I’m still easily annoyed by an endless amount of parasites that plague our world, maybe more now than before, but I’ve lost the will to verbally assault these imbeciles. I no longer possess the answers that I would have previously, to the question; “What shall we do about these fucks?”
And while I’m currently suffering from Fresher’s Flu, a bad back (which might be a sign of getting old, already) and a lack of funding from my loan company, I’m still unable to channel my anger and frustration into writing anything of worth.
Blogging is a young man’s game like finger fucking slags behind bike sheds and my fingers don’t smell like pube-less vagina ... it you get my drift.
So as the future looks the bleakest since the last attempted to hang myself I have released that this is life. It’s just bleak, morbid and pointless. Now when I look back at adults telling me that my youth would be the best time of my life I no longer think of them as fucking losers that never achieved anything themselves, I see them as prophets of reality, I should have taken heed to what they were saying and enjoyed my youth a little more.
While my previous life plan involved plenty of great achievements for me I’m starting to think more realistically. Whereas before I was pinning my hopes on writing for TV shows, now I’ll settle with picking up rubbish for the council at 5.00am in the morning after a busy night enjoyed by young people that have yet to realise that no matter what they do they’re worthless. Just specks on faecal matter on the toilet bowl of the world.
So this is adulthood now, I’m no longer getting older, now I’m getting old.
The thing is since I turned 23 my life has changed dramatically. While I’m still easily annoyed by an endless amount of parasites that plague our world, maybe more now than before, but I’ve lost the will to verbally assault these imbeciles. I no longer possess the answers that I would have previously, to the question; “What shall we do about these fucks?”
And while I’m currently suffering from Fresher’s Flu, a bad back (which might be a sign of getting old, already) and a lack of funding from my loan company, I’m still unable to channel my anger and frustration into writing anything of worth.
Blogging is a young man’s game like finger fucking slags behind bike sheds and my fingers don’t smell like pube-less vagina ... it you get my drift.
So as the future looks the bleakest since the last attempted to hang myself I have released that this is life. It’s just bleak, morbid and pointless. Now when I look back at adults telling me that my youth would be the best time of my life I no longer think of them as fucking losers that never achieved anything themselves, I see them as prophets of reality, I should have taken heed to what they were saying and enjoyed my youth a little more.
While my previous life plan involved plenty of great achievements for me I’m starting to think more realistically. Whereas before I was pinning my hopes on writing for TV shows, now I’ll settle with picking up rubbish for the council at 5.00am in the morning after a busy night enjoyed by young people that have yet to realise that no matter what they do they’re worthless. Just specks on faecal matter on the toilet bowl of the world.
Wednesday 23 September 2009
The Funny Side of Terrorism
You may think clowns are harmless, but they’re not. I recently learned that behind that make-up and underneath those baggy clothes is a terrorist. All clowns are terrorists!
I understand that because of Americanism and the media that many of the population believe that a terrorist has to be a Muslim, but this is not the case; anyone can be a terrorist... Timothy McVeigh? or the I.R.A?
So let me just make it clear, that clowns have no ties to any religion. What most people (who aren’t clowns) don’t know is that almost 98% of clowns are linked by secret societies. The biggest being ‘The Clown Conglomerate’ (or ‘CC’ for short).
The CC was first put together in the Medieval Times by Jesters, it has since grown and spread. Sectors have been set up all over the world and all answer to the headquarters, which are believed to be in the Kent area, but nobody is sure (apart from those clowns at highest level of The CC).
The Clown Conglomerate used to be all about how to be a clown, how to make children laugh and what-not, but around 14 years ago a clown by the name of Bibbles became the head of The CC. Bibbles took it upon himself to begin spreading his ideology (“putting the ‘fun’ into fundamental”) about how clowns are the chosen ones. That humour is the greatest emotion that people can feel, better than love, and that seeing as clowns made people laugh, they were the most important people to walk the face of the Earth.
His ideas began to spread. Secret clown conferences were held all over the world with Bibbles addressing fellow clowns. He was looked upon to be a saviour to clowns, in a world were clowns were becoming less popular and coulrophobia was rife actions were needed.
The turning point was when Bibbles addressed a gathering of 3,000 clowns, which were made up of clowns from all over the world that headed up their countries particular sector of The Clown Conglomerate. He made a Hitler-esque speech that would go down as the major turning point for clowns all over the world. He ended it; “So people are coulrophobic! So people are scared of clowns? They’re scared of the chosen ones? Well we’ll give them something to be scared of ... laughing so hard they’ll piss their pants in public!”
From that moment on clowns across the globe started developing terrorist plans to launch on the innocent public. These would be none violent attacks, instead they were “attacks of laughter” (said Bibbles). The idea was to somehow remind the people of the world that clowns are funny. Clowns in Sri Lanka developed a belt that was packed with light explosives and bombs of confetti, the idea was that clowns would wear these belts on busy buses or busy trains and then at some stage in the journey stand up and set the belt off, which would cause masses of confetti to explode from the belt all over the people on the bus/train. They called this belt the ‘Bibbles Belt’, after their ‘great’ leader.
For months The CC worked on plans that would take place on a certain day, a day that they believed would go down in history as the funniest day ever.
With plans finalised the date was set, but before everything went down there had to be a test run.
The test run took place at a British airport. 20 clowns were involved. From what I have learned it went down like this;
At around 10.25 am a mini pulled up in the drop off area of the airport. As soon as it stopped one clown jumped out, followed by another, then another, then another. The fourth clown to jump out had some technical difficulties with his ‘Bibbles Belt’, and it went off prematurely sending confetti into the air, the explosion caused Airport Police to rush to the scene. By the time the 7th clown was out of the car the Airport Police had opened fire. Bullets tore through the clowns leaving remnants of baggy clothes and brightly coloured wigs all over the place. One witness, who was willing to talk, told me it was a “massacre”. The clowns kept pouring out of the car and the police kept shooting. By the end of it 19 clowns were dead and one was in critical condition.
The government decided to act fast and cover-up what had taken place by cleaning up the area and taking any witnesses into confident.
The CC quickly abandoned their plans for ‘the funniest day ever’ and key players such as Bibbles went into hiding.
To this day nobody knew outside of The CC and the government knew the details of this, and I feel I’m putting my own life at risk sharing it, but from what I have gathered (which in my opinion is just the tip of the iceberg) there’s much more to what really happened with The CC and what they were really planning.
Wednesday 2 September 2009
Young, Dumb & filled with Cum
Young, single mums! Aren’t they great ... no, of course they’re not.
By young mums I mean any girls (yes, girls) aged between 8 and 20. If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately (which may have been hard seeing as the leading newspaper available on the internet; The British Standard, is down) you may have noticed that Britain is more populated than ever because there are more kids ... having kids.
Now, let me just point out I’m still sitting on the fence about this whole “have children to carry on human existence” thing, to be honest it’s not looking to bright for civilisation so in order to save ourselves we may have to stop reproducing and die out altogether ... but this is a tricky subject and I’m getting off topic.
I’m still in shock over the number of young girls that are having babies, but if you’re stupid enough to fall for “I’ll pull out”, you deserve what you get. But what gets on my nerves a little more is the way that they act once the little ‘bundle of joy comes along’. I’ve heard young mums say idiotic things such as:
“Having a baby taught me how to be independent.”
No it fucking didn’t. Getting kicked out of your house by your parents for getting pregnant at 17 meant that you had to learn how to be independent. Having your baby’s daddy leave you because he’s now a baby’s daddy, made you independent. If you depend on benefits you’re not independent ... the clue’s in the fucking word!
I had a friend on heroin, his parents found out and they kicked him out. He doesn’t claim that heroin made him be independent. And in no way am I saying that being addicted to heroin is anything like bringing a child into the world. Heroin brings you a high and will eventually ruin your life, whereas having a baby simply ruins your life.
I’m independent. I got my independence from ... Education (coincidentally something that young mother’s lack)! I didn’t have to push out a bastard child at any point. I only have my own mouth to feed. I get to do what I want, when I want (money permitting).
“Having a child is the most wonderful thing anyone can do.”
Are you sure? I wouldn’t trust you’re opinion to be quite honest, because your life is pretty much over already. There are lots of things that you can’t do now, so how can you truly be a judge on what the most wonderful thing anyone else can do is?
“I wouldn’t trade him/her for the world.”
Stop lying! If I was in your position I’d trade the baby for a bigger house, an income (a real one, not benefits) and a better looking baby.
“I don’t need a man to help me raise MY baby.”
Seeing as most boys that get these girls into this predicament bail out of the relationship (if there was one to start with) like it was the fucking Titanic going down, the girls often get left on their own to bring up the kid, which to be perfectly honest I don’t agree with (seeing as the way this blog is going I thought I’d say one sincere thing). But this mentality of ‘I don’t need a man’ needs to stop. It’s commonsense that two heads are better than one empty head, even if the other head is empty. Plus it’s just a fucking lie, because as soon as a young mum finds someone to babysit they go out on the town throwing themselves at any man that walks passed.
And I seriously question the mothering skills of some of these girls. I have a lot of ‘friends’ on Facebook, that have kids, and by friends I mean people that went to the same school as me, never spoke to me but added me anyway. And these girls have their deformed offspring in their profile pictures like the baby is some kind of fucking fashion accessory. Plus, when ever I log onto Facebook, there’s always one of these girls that’s just updated her status to something like; “Ahhh, [Insert Baby’s Name Here] as jst spit up all ova da place. [s]he iz sooooooo cute. Lv u babez”, and I’m thinking; “Well what the fuck are you doing telling the world, you dumb bitch! Clean it fucking up! Look after you’re fucking child before I call Social Services! You Whore!!” It’s funny to think it but when you post that as a comment on their status ... they get a little pissed off.
Now, I don’t want to come across as some archaic individual, but I do believe the typical family structure is important; father, mother, child[ren], a dog/cat/[some form of pet] and a mistress (for the husband). It’s worked in the past, it can work again.
By young mums I mean any girls (yes, girls) aged between 8 and 20. If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately (which may have been hard seeing as the leading newspaper available on the internet; The British Standard, is down) you may have noticed that Britain is more populated than ever because there are more kids ... having kids.
Now, let me just point out I’m still sitting on the fence about this whole “have children to carry on human existence” thing, to be honest it’s not looking to bright for civilisation so in order to save ourselves we may have to stop reproducing and die out altogether ... but this is a tricky subject and I’m getting off topic.
I’m still in shock over the number of young girls that are having babies, but if you’re stupid enough to fall for “I’ll pull out”, you deserve what you get. But what gets on my nerves a little more is the way that they act once the little ‘bundle of joy comes along’. I’ve heard young mums say idiotic things such as:
“Having a baby taught me how to be independent.”
No it fucking didn’t. Getting kicked out of your house by your parents for getting pregnant at 17 meant that you had to learn how to be independent. Having your baby’s daddy leave you because he’s now a baby’s daddy, made you independent. If you depend on benefits you’re not independent ... the clue’s in the fucking word!
I had a friend on heroin, his parents found out and they kicked him out. He doesn’t claim that heroin made him be independent. And in no way am I saying that being addicted to heroin is anything like bringing a child into the world. Heroin brings you a high and will eventually ruin your life, whereas having a baby simply ruins your life.
I’m independent. I got my independence from ... Education (coincidentally something that young mother’s lack)! I didn’t have to push out a bastard child at any point. I only have my own mouth to feed. I get to do what I want, when I want (money permitting).
“Having a child is the most wonderful thing anyone can do.”
Are you sure? I wouldn’t trust you’re opinion to be quite honest, because your life is pretty much over already. There are lots of things that you can’t do now, so how can you truly be a judge on what the most wonderful thing anyone else can do is?
“I wouldn’t trade him/her for the world.”
Stop lying! If I was in your position I’d trade the baby for a bigger house, an income (a real one, not benefits) and a better looking baby.
“I don’t need a man to help me raise MY baby.”
Seeing as most boys that get these girls into this predicament bail out of the relationship (if there was one to start with) like it was the fucking Titanic going down, the girls often get left on their own to bring up the kid, which to be perfectly honest I don’t agree with (seeing as the way this blog is going I thought I’d say one sincere thing). But this mentality of ‘I don’t need a man’ needs to stop. It’s commonsense that two heads are better than one empty head, even if the other head is empty. Plus it’s just a fucking lie, because as soon as a young mum finds someone to babysit they go out on the town throwing themselves at any man that walks passed.
And I seriously question the mothering skills of some of these girls. I have a lot of ‘friends’ on Facebook, that have kids, and by friends I mean people that went to the same school as me, never spoke to me but added me anyway. And these girls have their deformed offspring in their profile pictures like the baby is some kind of fucking fashion accessory. Plus, when ever I log onto Facebook, there’s always one of these girls that’s just updated her status to something like; “Ahhh, [Insert Baby’s Name Here] as jst spit up all ova da place. [s]he iz sooooooo cute. Lv u babez”, and I’m thinking; “Well what the fuck are you doing telling the world, you dumb bitch! Clean it fucking up! Look after you’re fucking child before I call Social Services! You Whore!!” It’s funny to think it but when you post that as a comment on their status ... they get a little pissed off.
Now, I don’t want to come across as some archaic individual, but I do believe the typical family structure is important; father, mother, child[ren], a dog/cat/[some form of pet] and a mistress (for the husband). It’s worked in the past, it can work again.
Saturday 29 August 2009
Get Rich (or at least make a little cash) Quick Scheme #1
I like to pride myself on delivering information to other people to help them in these times of financial problems. I’ve previously tackled such problems as getting drunk for free and also shared knowledge to students on how to save money while at University. So now, as all hope seems lost I return with a new plan...
Apparently it’s never been harder for people aged 18-25 to get jobs, but I think I have the solution! So read my tips, I would like to mention that if you have problems with breaking the law stop reading now, because there’s nothing here for you!
OK, the first part of the plan is you have to start mugging people. I know this isn’t a new idea and it’s risky. But hear me out, although you’re already thinking; “Fuck you Ben, you fool I could have come up with this myself.” But my genius comes later on. So, anyway, start mugging people, get the usual stuff that people have on them; mobile phone, jewellery and car keys. Of course use some common sense here, make sure you pick your targets well. I prefer old people and young kids (not sexually – I know that’s what you were thinking, you pervert!), they’re easy targets and less likely to fight back.
Now comes the clever bit.
Now, as we all know it can be hard to sell on things that are stolen. You either have to sell them to people that fully understand that they are stolen so they are not willing to pay much or you have to try and convince the people that work in Cash Traders that you want to sell your mother’s wedding ring and your grandma’s pretty necklace. Which, form my personal experience is often unsuccessful.
So what are you going to do with these stolen goods?
Luckily for criminals life is getting easier, anyone that watches plenty of daytime TV (better known collectively as social-rejects) would have come adverts that tell you to go online, log on their website and then you send them certain items and they send you cash. So you take the goods you’ve stolen and start to follow these instructions;
- Well firstly send any stolen mobiles to www.mazumamobile.com, get a little cash from them.
- Sell any gold that you may have ‘required’ to www.cashmygold.co.uk.
- And if you were lucky enough to steal car keys and the car sell that to www.webuyanycar.com.
There’s no explaining, there’s no face to face shit, no need to lie. Nothing. Simple as that!
“But Ben, isn’t there a risk that one of these websites will eventually cotton on? Seeing as they’re sending me four or five cheques a week?” is what you should be thinking, if you are indeed a criminal mastermind. And I’m not going to lie to you, this could be a problem. But luckily there is a wide range of websites offering money for mobiles/gold, so a simple Google search will turn up an endless amount of websites willing to buy the shit that you kicked someone’s grandma in for!
But what next?
You can keep doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll ever make a load of money. But luckily I have plans for expanding. A website by the name of www.carspotter.co.uk now has a number (86007) that you can text the licence plates of cars to, they then tell you how much that car is worth. So what you do is walk down a street, or through a car park texting licence plate numbers to CarSpotter (on a stolen phone of course – before you send it to mazuma, you don’t want to use your credit) and wait to see which car costs the most according to CarSpotter, then you steal the car and get more money from www.webuyanycar.com, as their adverts states (about a 100 times) they buy any car. That’s any car; big, small, stolen or burnt out! They buy any car.
If none of this works for you, sell crack to kids!
Good luck.
Ben Broughton or The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is not responsible for any violence or jail time you may encounter if you follow these instructions.
Apparently it’s never been harder for people aged 18-25 to get jobs, but I think I have the solution! So read my tips, I would like to mention that if you have problems with breaking the law stop reading now, because there’s nothing here for you!
OK, the first part of the plan is you have to start mugging people. I know this isn’t a new idea and it’s risky. But hear me out, although you’re already thinking; “Fuck you Ben, you fool I could have come up with this myself.” But my genius comes later on. So, anyway, start mugging people, get the usual stuff that people have on them; mobile phone, jewellery and car keys. Of course use some common sense here, make sure you pick your targets well. I prefer old people and young kids (not sexually – I know that’s what you were thinking, you pervert!), they’re easy targets and less likely to fight back.
Now comes the clever bit.
Now, as we all know it can be hard to sell on things that are stolen. You either have to sell them to people that fully understand that they are stolen so they are not willing to pay much or you have to try and convince the people that work in Cash Traders that you want to sell your mother’s wedding ring and your grandma’s pretty necklace. Which, form my personal experience is often unsuccessful.
So what are you going to do with these stolen goods?
Luckily for criminals life is getting easier, anyone that watches plenty of daytime TV (better known collectively as social-rejects) would have come adverts that tell you to go online, log on their website and then you send them certain items and they send you cash. So you take the goods you’ve stolen and start to follow these instructions;
- Well firstly send any stolen mobiles to www.mazumamobile.com, get a little cash from them.
- Sell any gold that you may have ‘required’ to www.cashmygold.co.uk.
- And if you were lucky enough to steal car keys and the car sell that to www.webuyanycar.com.
There’s no explaining, there’s no face to face shit, no need to lie. Nothing. Simple as that!
“But Ben, isn’t there a risk that one of these websites will eventually cotton on? Seeing as they’re sending me four or five cheques a week?” is what you should be thinking, if you are indeed a criminal mastermind. And I’m not going to lie to you, this could be a problem. But luckily there is a wide range of websites offering money for mobiles/gold, so a simple Google search will turn up an endless amount of websites willing to buy the shit that you kicked someone’s grandma in for!
But what next?
You can keep doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll ever make a load of money. But luckily I have plans for expanding. A website by the name of www.carspotter.co.uk now has a number (86007) that you can text the licence plates of cars to, they then tell you how much that car is worth. So what you do is walk down a street, or through a car park texting licence plate numbers to CarSpotter (on a stolen phone of course – before you send it to mazuma, you don’t want to use your credit) and wait to see which car costs the most according to CarSpotter, then you steal the car and get more money from www.webuyanycar.com, as their adverts states (about a 100 times) they buy any car. That’s any car; big, small, stolen or burnt out! They buy any car.
If none of this works for you, sell crack to kids!
Good luck.
Ben Broughton or The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is not responsible for any violence or jail time you may encounter if you follow these instructions.
Thursday 27 August 2009
Why I Hate ... Health
Has this big issue with living a healthier life gone too far? I’m serious. I fully understand that eating, exercise and all that good shit is important but do I need it shoving into every orifice of mine like I’m some molested child.
Everywhere I turn it’s “lower salt content”, “now with less sugar” or “the healthier option”. I’m fucking tired of it. Pretty much every major food brand is jumping on the bandwagon, in fear of being left behind or possible judged! Soon enough I really believe that salt shakers will feature a logo scrawled across them that reads; “Now with 50% less Salt”, it’ll come in the same size tub, it’ll be the same price, but when you get it home and open it, it’ll only be half full! And there won’t be anything you can do about it because you’re fucking stupid enough to buy it in the first place! You twat!
This whole “5 a Day” bullshit never really took of with me. Five fruit or veg a day! I barely manage five different fruit or vegetables a week, never mind in a 24 hour period! And I’m quite sure I also came across some information that said when should be having 3 different wheat-based foods everyday too. What a crock of shit. Can’t people just eat what they want? Yes people are getting fatter, so what? Does it matter? We’re over-populated anyway; if everyone eats healthy there’ll be less heart disease, less strokes and more people. And not just normal people, but more healthy people. I fucking despise healthy people. With their nice bodies, excellent diets, cancer free lungs and livers that work properly, fuck you and fuck you’re fully functioning livers you fuckers!
But it’s just not food that been contaminated into this healthy culture, it has spread into all aspects of life. For example, dog food now comes with little vegetables in it. But why? Surely there’s no reasonable explanation for this other than idiotic middle-class health nuts will start buying it thinking that it will keep their dogs healthy. For as long as I can remember dog food has been made up of meat, because that’s what dogs eat. Look at a close wild relation to dog, let’s say the fox (I know wolves would have been a better choice but we don’t have wolves in the country). How many times have you heard a farmer say; “Damn fox got into the carrot field last night, bloody thing made off with six carrots” ... I understand that you may not chat with many farmers which leaves it ever more unlikely, but the point is foxes eat chickens not carrots. Someone pointed out to me that they knew of a dog that ate vegetables, by that he meant scraps. I had a dog that ate his own shit. Dogs eat everything and anything. A dog would probably eat a used tampon if you waved it in its face, doesn’t mean it should eat tampons, used or otherwise.
But the worst thing I have seen relating to health is TSB’s Financial Health Specialists! Financial HEALTH? Not financial HELP, but financial HEALTH!!! Since when did health have anything to do with finances? My money’s not feeling under the weather, it doesn’t have swine flu, it doesn’t exercise, it doesn’t eat ... so it needs no new diet plan. What the flying fuck has health got to do with my fucking finances TSB? Answer me that, please? Is there an answer? Or are you just trying to leech off people’s insecurities that are being created left, right and centre? Are you simply using a word that triggers off a chain reaction in people’s minds; “I eat my 5 a day, I exercise, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I even buy my dog the food with vegetables in; I’m healthy. My dog’s healthy. But what about my finances, they’re not healthy, I better get down to TSB straight away!” What the fuck does a Financial Health Specialist do? Apart from laugh at the fucking idiots that come to then once they’ve left? Fuck Financial Health Specialists! Fuck TSB! And fuck this healthy culture, I’m fucking sick of it, fuck it in the face, with no protection, ‘cos that’s how I roll ... un-motherfucking-healthy!
Everywhere I turn it’s “lower salt content”, “now with less sugar” or “the healthier option”. I’m fucking tired of it. Pretty much every major food brand is jumping on the bandwagon, in fear of being left behind or possible judged! Soon enough I really believe that salt shakers will feature a logo scrawled across them that reads; “Now with 50% less Salt”, it’ll come in the same size tub, it’ll be the same price, but when you get it home and open it, it’ll only be half full! And there won’t be anything you can do about it because you’re fucking stupid enough to buy it in the first place! You twat!
This whole “5 a Day” bullshit never really took of with me. Five fruit or veg a day! I barely manage five different fruit or vegetables a week, never mind in a 24 hour period! And I’m quite sure I also came across some information that said when should be having 3 different wheat-based foods everyday too. What a crock of shit. Can’t people just eat what they want? Yes people are getting fatter, so what? Does it matter? We’re over-populated anyway; if everyone eats healthy there’ll be less heart disease, less strokes and more people. And not just normal people, but more healthy people. I fucking despise healthy people. With their nice bodies, excellent diets, cancer free lungs and livers that work properly, fuck you and fuck you’re fully functioning livers you fuckers!
But it’s just not food that been contaminated into this healthy culture, it has spread into all aspects of life. For example, dog food now comes with little vegetables in it. But why? Surely there’s no reasonable explanation for this other than idiotic middle-class health nuts will start buying it thinking that it will keep their dogs healthy. For as long as I can remember dog food has been made up of meat, because that’s what dogs eat. Look at a close wild relation to dog, let’s say the fox (I know wolves would have been a better choice but we don’t have wolves in the country). How many times have you heard a farmer say; “Damn fox got into the carrot field last night, bloody thing made off with six carrots” ... I understand that you may not chat with many farmers which leaves it ever more unlikely, but the point is foxes eat chickens not carrots. Someone pointed out to me that they knew of a dog that ate vegetables, by that he meant scraps. I had a dog that ate his own shit. Dogs eat everything and anything. A dog would probably eat a used tampon if you waved it in its face, doesn’t mean it should eat tampons, used or otherwise.
But the worst thing I have seen relating to health is TSB’s Financial Health Specialists! Financial HEALTH? Not financial HELP, but financial HEALTH!!! Since when did health have anything to do with finances? My money’s not feeling under the weather, it doesn’t have swine flu, it doesn’t exercise, it doesn’t eat ... so it needs no new diet plan. What the flying fuck has health got to do with my fucking finances TSB? Answer me that, please? Is there an answer? Or are you just trying to leech off people’s insecurities that are being created left, right and centre? Are you simply using a word that triggers off a chain reaction in people’s minds; “I eat my 5 a day, I exercise, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I even buy my dog the food with vegetables in; I’m healthy. My dog’s healthy. But what about my finances, they’re not healthy, I better get down to TSB straight away!” What the fuck does a Financial Health Specialist do? Apart from laugh at the fucking idiots that come to then once they’ve left? Fuck Financial Health Specialists! Fuck TSB! And fuck this healthy culture, I’m fucking sick of it, fuck it in the face, with no protection, ‘cos that’s how I roll ... un-motherfucking-healthy!
Monday 3 August 2009
Worst 10 Adverts Currently on TV
10) Country Life Butter – “John Lydon/Johnny Rotten”
It’s not that this advert is really that bad (when compared to the others on this list), it’s just that John Lydon is a fucking sell-out! Sid Vicious probably spins in his grave every time this fucking advert airs on TV. In the advert, John gets stuck on a country lane as sheep surround him. Fucking hilarious!! Throughout the ad, John asks; “Why do I buy Country Life Butter?” Because you’re a fucking tool John! That’s why you buy it.
9) Life Without Tobacco – “Pimp My Ride”
OK, I’ve been lucky enough to only see this advert once, which is good, but it’s also hard to rant about it seeing as my memory is shot to hell. But from what I can remember from the advert is that it is based on the popular MTV show “Pimp My Ride”. It’s all animated and there’s even a little fake wigger, that’s meant to be Tim Westwood, but looks more like Vanilla Ice, although the voice sounds like Westwood. I’m sure there’s a line like; “Check out my dog,” [shot of a guy smoking] “he looks healthy but let’s check under his hood” [cuts to cartoon image of the guys lungs]. Of course smoking is bad, we all know this. And trying to keep kids from smoking is important, but why are fucking buffoons creating the adverts? “Pimp My Ride” rip-off? Really? It’s not 2007 anymore and a cartoonish-type character based on Tim Westwood is about as appetising as a dog shit sandwich. He’s not cool, he’s not “down with the youth of today”. In fact if any teenagers like him, they should smoke, so they can get cancer and die. The advert tries to act as if stopping smoking is just done simply. Why can’t these fuckwits actually talk straight to kids and not patronise them with trying to be cool? Get me on a fucking Life Without Tobacco advert, I’d tell the kids some home truths.
8) Every Single “Lawyer/Solicitor” Advert
There’s too many to name, but you know the ones; “Had a trip or a fall at work? Car accident? Stubbed your toe? Want some free money?” and all that “No win, no fee” bullshit. They all follow the same path really, some talks to you asking if you’d be injured then they tell you that you can get money, then they roll out some ugly fuckers that go on to tell you how they made some money for being clumsy idiots. These lawyers should get the fuck off my TV and get back to chasing ambulances!
7) Oven Pride – “Even a Man Can Do It”
This sickening piece of shit features a scowling woman that makes Anne Robinson look like a happy-go-lucky kinda person. In this advert the wife passes some Oven Pride to her husband and he cleans the metal grills of the oven, dancing around like a gormless prick with a stupid grin on his face that makes him look like a fucking retard! The slogan; “Even a man can do it”, makes me want to beat up my wife, luckily for her, she non-existent.
6) MoonPig
In my original draft of this list, I was stupid enough to leave this advert from the Top 5, for this I apologise, but the thing with MoonPig now is that I’ve learned to live with it much like an unwanted step-dad or the wart on my balls. It’s one of those things I’ve got used to and forgotten how much I hated it, until reminded. The whole concept of MoonPig pisses me off. Creating a card online to get sent to your loved ones! They attempt to make the point that this makes birthday cards more personal, but surely not even writing in someone’s card is the least personal thing you can do! I sincerely hope that in the owner of MoonPig catches Swine Flu, it will be ironic justice.
5) confused.com
Now, the kings of shit adverts, seeing as they seem to have a new one every-fucking-time I switch the box on! So it’s hard to attack for that one reason. I can’t pick out certain people that piss me off because by the time you read this they’ll be gone and they’re be a new collection of cunts advertising confused.com. They’ll all be talking about how confused.com saved them money; Guy#1: “I saved £200 with confused.com”, Woman #2: “I saved £30 with confused.com”, Guy #2 “I saved 45p with confused.com” and so on and so on! I saved a man from drowning once; I don’t need to go on TV and fucking brag about it! But from watching the adverts it’s clear were confused.com save the most money ... in advertising. Everything’s shot on fucking webcams! Jesus, confused.com, get it to-fucking-gether. Why should I use a company that can’t even be bothered to put any effort into advertising their product properly!
4) Pot Noodle – “High School Musical Spoof”
When companies are clearly making their adverts awful on purpose you have to question their ever deteriorating mental state. Of course this advert is supposed to be ripping off Disney’s mind-numbingly, suicide-invoking, pile of shit films High School Musical(s), but making your advert shit on purpose should be illegal. The advert ends with “I love making Pot Noodle, more fun than throwing a poodle”, clearly these people have never thrown a poodle under a speeding double-decker bus, because that is fun, lots of fun, much more fun than pouring hot water into a plastic tub containing dried up noodles. I hate this advert so much that I’d rather watch all three High School Musicals back to back, than sit through this 30 second advert!
3) MoneySupermarket.com – “Peter Jones”
“In times like these we all need to save on our household bills...” says Peter Jones (the guy that sits on the far right on Dragons’ Den) at the beginning of this advert. And of course if a multi-millionaire is doing adverts for price comparison site, times must be hard. There’s another ad, in which he rides around on a supermarket trolley like the prick he is. The fucker is so rich he’s probably never encountered a shopping trolley before (seeing as he probably pays someone to shop for him) I think that the director of the advert had to point out how the whole thing works to the smug fucker.
2) Cuprinol – “Wood Preservation Society”
This advert starts with a bunch of smiley, cheerful gardeners appearing from a shed. As soon as that shed door opens, my stress levels shoot through the roof. Then the song starts and I attempt to strangle anyone in reach, just so their choking drowns out the singing, which is dreadful, cringe-worthy and probably the theme tune to an apocalypse, in my opinion. The best bit has to be were the old woman glosses her table and then watches it in the rain. It’s a shame she isn’t struck by lightening. I like to tell myself that because she’s been stood in the rain like a fucking muppet, she’s caught the flu and hopefully kicked the bucket by now, telling myself this really helps me sleep at night. At the end of the advert, they all return to the shed, to continue their AIDs infested orgy.
1) Curanail – “Criminail”
This advert is so terrible it makes me physically sick. I’m actually gagging now as I type this because I’m having to think about it. The actress in the advert has clearly spent a good 5-10 minutes in acting school. The whole concept of fungal-nail infected toes being criminals is mind-blowing and featuring a giant toe in the advert too? What the hell is going on in the world? We all know what toes look like, even Heather Mills, and she’s only got half as many of the rest of the population. We don’t need to see filthy, giant toes on our TV! Toes and feet are disgusting in my opinion that’s why we have socks and shoes, to hide them away from the rest of mankind. And the puns, in the advert! I’m getting angry just thinking about this fucking advert! The video of Ken Bigley getting decapitated is more enjoyable than this advert. Inserting a drill-bit into your japs-eye, then turning on the drill is more enjoyable than this advert. This advert makes being gang-raped seem pleasurable.
It’s not that this advert is really that bad (when compared to the others on this list), it’s just that John Lydon is a fucking sell-out! Sid Vicious probably spins in his grave every time this fucking advert airs on TV. In the advert, John gets stuck on a country lane as sheep surround him. Fucking hilarious!! Throughout the ad, John asks; “Why do I buy Country Life Butter?” Because you’re a fucking tool John! That’s why you buy it.
9) Life Without Tobacco – “Pimp My Ride”
OK, I’ve been lucky enough to only see this advert once, which is good, but it’s also hard to rant about it seeing as my memory is shot to hell. But from what I can remember from the advert is that it is based on the popular MTV show “Pimp My Ride”. It’s all animated and there’s even a little fake wigger, that’s meant to be Tim Westwood, but looks more like Vanilla Ice, although the voice sounds like Westwood. I’m sure there’s a line like; “Check out my dog,” [shot of a guy smoking] “he looks healthy but let’s check under his hood” [cuts to cartoon image of the guys lungs]. Of course smoking is bad, we all know this. And trying to keep kids from smoking is important, but why are fucking buffoons creating the adverts? “Pimp My Ride” rip-off? Really? It’s not 2007 anymore and a cartoonish-type character based on Tim Westwood is about as appetising as a dog shit sandwich. He’s not cool, he’s not “down with the youth of today”. In fact if any teenagers like him, they should smoke, so they can get cancer and die. The advert tries to act as if stopping smoking is just done simply. Why can’t these fuckwits actually talk straight to kids and not patronise them with trying to be cool? Get me on a fucking Life Without Tobacco advert, I’d tell the kids some home truths.
8) Every Single “Lawyer/Solicitor” Advert
There’s too many to name, but you know the ones; “Had a trip or a fall at work? Car accident? Stubbed your toe? Want some free money?” and all that “No win, no fee” bullshit. They all follow the same path really, some talks to you asking if you’d be injured then they tell you that you can get money, then they roll out some ugly fuckers that go on to tell you how they made some money for being clumsy idiots. These lawyers should get the fuck off my TV and get back to chasing ambulances!
7) Oven Pride – “Even a Man Can Do It”
This sickening piece of shit features a scowling woman that makes Anne Robinson look like a happy-go-lucky kinda person. In this advert the wife passes some Oven Pride to her husband and he cleans the metal grills of the oven, dancing around like a gormless prick with a stupid grin on his face that makes him look like a fucking retard! The slogan; “Even a man can do it”, makes me want to beat up my wife, luckily for her, she non-existent.
6) MoonPig
In my original draft of this list, I was stupid enough to leave this advert from the Top 5, for this I apologise, but the thing with MoonPig now is that I’ve learned to live with it much like an unwanted step-dad or the wart on my balls. It’s one of those things I’ve got used to and forgotten how much I hated it, until reminded. The whole concept of MoonPig pisses me off. Creating a card online to get sent to your loved ones! They attempt to make the point that this makes birthday cards more personal, but surely not even writing in someone’s card is the least personal thing you can do! I sincerely hope that in the owner of MoonPig catches Swine Flu, it will be ironic justice.
5) confused.com
Now, the kings of shit adverts, seeing as they seem to have a new one every-fucking-time I switch the box on! So it’s hard to attack for that one reason. I can’t pick out certain people that piss me off because by the time you read this they’ll be gone and they’re be a new collection of cunts advertising confused.com. They’ll all be talking about how confused.com saved them money; Guy#1: “I saved £200 with confused.com”, Woman #2: “I saved £30 with confused.com”, Guy #2 “I saved 45p with confused.com” and so on and so on! I saved a man from drowning once; I don’t need to go on TV and fucking brag about it! But from watching the adverts it’s clear were confused.com save the most money ... in advertising. Everything’s shot on fucking webcams! Jesus, confused.com, get it to-fucking-gether. Why should I use a company that can’t even be bothered to put any effort into advertising their product properly!
4) Pot Noodle – “High School Musical Spoof”
When companies are clearly making their adverts awful on purpose you have to question their ever deteriorating mental state. Of course this advert is supposed to be ripping off Disney’s mind-numbingly, suicide-invoking, pile of shit films High School Musical(s), but making your advert shit on purpose should be illegal. The advert ends with “I love making Pot Noodle, more fun than throwing a poodle”, clearly these people have never thrown a poodle under a speeding double-decker bus, because that is fun, lots of fun, much more fun than pouring hot water into a plastic tub containing dried up noodles. I hate this advert so much that I’d rather watch all three High School Musicals back to back, than sit through this 30 second advert!
3) MoneySupermarket.com – “Peter Jones”
“In times like these we all need to save on our household bills...” says Peter Jones (the guy that sits on the far right on Dragons’ Den) at the beginning of this advert. And of course if a multi-millionaire is doing adverts for price comparison site, times must be hard. There’s another ad, in which he rides around on a supermarket trolley like the prick he is. The fucker is so rich he’s probably never encountered a shopping trolley before (seeing as he probably pays someone to shop for him) I think that the director of the advert had to point out how the whole thing works to the smug fucker.
2) Cuprinol – “Wood Preservation Society”
This advert starts with a bunch of smiley, cheerful gardeners appearing from a shed. As soon as that shed door opens, my stress levels shoot through the roof. Then the song starts and I attempt to strangle anyone in reach, just so their choking drowns out the singing, which is dreadful, cringe-worthy and probably the theme tune to an apocalypse, in my opinion. The best bit has to be were the old woman glosses her table and then watches it in the rain. It’s a shame she isn’t struck by lightening. I like to tell myself that because she’s been stood in the rain like a fucking muppet, she’s caught the flu and hopefully kicked the bucket by now, telling myself this really helps me sleep at night. At the end of the advert, they all return to the shed, to continue their AIDs infested orgy.
1) Curanail – “Criminail”
This advert is so terrible it makes me physically sick. I’m actually gagging now as I type this because I’m having to think about it. The actress in the advert has clearly spent a good 5-10 minutes in acting school. The whole concept of fungal-nail infected toes being criminals is mind-blowing and featuring a giant toe in the advert too? What the hell is going on in the world? We all know what toes look like, even Heather Mills, and she’s only got half as many of the rest of the population. We don’t need to see filthy, giant toes on our TV! Toes and feet are disgusting in my opinion that’s why we have socks and shoes, to hide them away from the rest of mankind. And the puns, in the advert! I’m getting angry just thinking about this fucking advert! The video of Ken Bigley getting decapitated is more enjoyable than this advert. Inserting a drill-bit into your japs-eye, then turning on the drill is more enjoyable than this advert. This advert makes being gang-raped seem pleasurable.
Wednesday 29 July 2009
I'll Catch Swine Flu, When Swine Flies
Swine Flu, yes I know, I’m sick of it too, but I couldn’t think of any other subject to talk about. This is more than likely the most threatening outbreak to attack our country when compared to Bird Flu, SARS and all those others seeing as people are actually dying from Swine Flu. Yet still, it’s not that bad. It’s not like the plague.
What we have to realise now is that those that are going to die from Swine Flu are people with weak immune systems, the old and the young. So it’s not as if I’m going to be majorly affected by it all, which is a good thing for me, I suppose, or though I was looking forward to having a week or two off of work.
One good thing about Swine Flu is that it may get us out of our current economic crisis. It’s likely that if a few more people kick the bucket from Swine Flu, some jobs are going to open up, so there will be less unemployed, plus some already unemployed people might get Swine Flu, once they die there will be less unemployed. Swine Flu is going to whittle down the population to a point of which we all have jobs leading to a new economic boom.
One thing about Swine Flu, I don’t quite understand is that the tabloids are calling it Pig Flu, as if their readers aren’t clever enough to understand what Swine is. If you don’t know what Swine is, you deserve Swine Flu... excuse me; Pig Flu.
As the country is in a constant paranoid state about anyone close to them that have the sniffles, I’m advising that everyone stay in doors, for your own safety. This in no way is my attempt to make people stay in doors so I can wonder freely wherever I want without bumping into people (who I don’t hate at all). I’m only thinking about you! So if you’re really that worried about Swine Flu stay inside, for your own good.
What we have to realise now is that those that are going to die from Swine Flu are people with weak immune systems, the old and the young. So it’s not as if I’m going to be majorly affected by it all, which is a good thing for me, I suppose, or though I was looking forward to having a week or two off of work.
One good thing about Swine Flu is that it may get us out of our current economic crisis. It’s likely that if a few more people kick the bucket from Swine Flu, some jobs are going to open up, so there will be less unemployed, plus some already unemployed people might get Swine Flu, once they die there will be less unemployed. Swine Flu is going to whittle down the population to a point of which we all have jobs leading to a new economic boom.
One thing about Swine Flu, I don’t quite understand is that the tabloids are calling it Pig Flu, as if their readers aren’t clever enough to understand what Swine is. If you don’t know what Swine is, you deserve Swine Flu... excuse me; Pig Flu.
As the country is in a constant paranoid state about anyone close to them that have the sniffles, I’m advising that everyone stay in doors, for your own safety. This in no way is my attempt to make people stay in doors so I can wonder freely wherever I want without bumping into people (who I don’t hate at all). I’m only thinking about you! So if you’re really that worried about Swine Flu stay inside, for your own good.
Now Employing
The following Blog is an Advertisement.
The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is looking for a young, talented, relationship-minded girl to fill the position of Ben Broughton’s Girlfriend.
You must be at least 16 (for legal reasons), have the ability to hold a conversation that isn’t about shopping or shoes, have some experience of dealing with boarder-line alcoholics and knowing how to cook would be a bonus too.
If you think you have what it takes to fill this vacancy please send us your CV, a recent photo (nude is preferred) and a list of references.
Your wage will be based on how much I love you, although bonuses can be expected at Christmas, Birthdays and Valentines Day.*
The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is an equal opportunities employer.
The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is looking for a young, talented, relationship-minded girl to fill the position of Ben Broughton’s Girlfriend.
You must be at least 16 (for legal reasons), have the ability to hold a conversation that isn’t about shopping or shoes, have some experience of dealing with boarder-line alcoholics and knowing how to cook would be a bonus too.
If you think you have what it takes to fill this vacancy please send us your CV, a recent photo (nude is preferred) and a list of references.
Your wage will be based on how much I love you, although bonuses can be expected at Christmas, Birthdays and Valentines Day.*
The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is an equal opportunities employer.
*If I remember.
Monday 13 July 2009
It's all slanguage now, innit?
Language is a complicated thing. It like us, it has evolved over time. But it seems to me that older generations don’t, excuse me do not like this. For an example, I was recently in a shop and two young boys were chatting in ear shot of me and an old woman.
One of the lads said “Innit”, and the old woman turned to them and said something along these lines; “Excuse me young man, don’t say that word. It is not English, you should speak correctly.” The boy looked bemused at the old woman, as if to say “what the fuck you on about”.
She went on to explain that ‘innit’ should be pronounced properly; “isn’t it”. This is where I decided to chirp up and defend the boys.
I said to the lady; “Excuse me, but it’s not ‘isn’t it’, is it?”
“Yes, it is.” She responded.
“No it’s not.” I replied.
“Well it certainly isn’t ‘innit’, is it?” She asked.
“’Innit’ is the evolution of ‘isn’t it’, but still ‘isn’t it’, isn’t the correct word anyway.” I explained.
“Well what is it then?” She asked.
“Is it not.” I told her.
“Not what?” She asked.
“No, ‘innit’ is ‘isn’t it’, which in turn started out as ‘is it not’!” I attempted to explain. “So if you’re going to complain about the way these young boys speak, I’m going to complain to you about you not speaking correctly.” I continued.
After that the conversation got a little heated and lets just say the old lady had a little fall while me and the two lads ran out of the shop ... with her hand-bag.
Anyway, back to the point of language changing. It’s bound to happen, and while middle-aged, middle-class people think it is a bad thing, it is far from that. The way they talk is extremely different from the way people spoke in Shakespearian time, which proves that language has evolved.
So will people please stop with this bullshit, if young people want to say ‘innit’, just let them. It has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t matter if nobody was saying it when you were a child. Nobody was saying words or phrases such as “email” or “Google it”, but that doesn’t stop you from saying them now, does it?
One of the lads said “Innit”, and the old woman turned to them and said something along these lines; “Excuse me young man, don’t say that word. It is not English, you should speak correctly.” The boy looked bemused at the old woman, as if to say “what the fuck you on about”.
She went on to explain that ‘innit’ should be pronounced properly; “isn’t it”. This is where I decided to chirp up and defend the boys.
I said to the lady; “Excuse me, but it’s not ‘isn’t it’, is it?”
“Yes, it is.” She responded.
“No it’s not.” I replied.
“Well it certainly isn’t ‘innit’, is it?” She asked.
“’Innit’ is the evolution of ‘isn’t it’, but still ‘isn’t it’, isn’t the correct word anyway.” I explained.
“Well what is it then?” She asked.
“Is it not.” I told her.
“Not what?” She asked.
“No, ‘innit’ is ‘isn’t it’, which in turn started out as ‘is it not’!” I attempted to explain. “So if you’re going to complain about the way these young boys speak, I’m going to complain to you about you not speaking correctly.” I continued.
After that the conversation got a little heated and lets just say the old lady had a little fall while me and the two lads ran out of the shop ... with her hand-bag.
Anyway, back to the point of language changing. It’s bound to happen, and while middle-aged, middle-class people think it is a bad thing, it is far from that. The way they talk is extremely different from the way people spoke in Shakespearian time, which proves that language has evolved.
So will people please stop with this bullshit, if young people want to say ‘innit’, just let them. It has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t matter if nobody was saying it when you were a child. Nobody was saying words or phrases such as “email” or “Google it”, but that doesn’t stop you from saying them now, does it?
There is no God, the proof is in Santa
The other day I came to this conclusion, that Santa Clause (a/k/a Father Christmas) is simply a form of the Christian God.
Let’s look at the “facts”. When they are depicted in films, TV or cartoons they are often seen as large white males with long white beards. This was the first thing I noticed. They are constantly watching and judging us, God decides who amongst us will get into heaven while Santa decides which children will get presents this Christmas. So we are taught to act accordingly.
They both have their ‘workers’; God has his angels, Santa has his elves. They are both running their respected fields, they are the top dogs.
As I draw on these similarities, something else struck me. The main thing that they have in common, neither of them exists! Sorry kids ... and Christians!
As I began to further this thought process I began to think that Santa Clause was created as a hint to all of us that there is no God.
Think about it for a second, they have all these things in common. The idea of Santa existing is placed in a child’s head from a young age and eventually they come to know the truth.
This is the same practice as the existence of God, yet there’s nobody to really break it to you or no real way of discovering. It’s not like you can wake up early Christmas morning to discover you’re parents listening to peoples prayers, then they break it to you; “Son, there is no God; we’ve just been pretending to be him all these years.” That can’t happen.
Santa is a manifestation of God. When you discover that Santa is not real, you also discover that God is not real. It’s a way to soften the blow, as it is easier to tell people that there is no “fat man entering your house once a year to leave gifts” than it is to tell them there is no “almighty being that created the world and us, who lives in Heaven and watches over us every second of everyday”.
Let’s look at the “facts”. When they are depicted in films, TV or cartoons they are often seen as large white males with long white beards. This was the first thing I noticed. They are constantly watching and judging us, God decides who amongst us will get into heaven while Santa decides which children will get presents this Christmas. So we are taught to act accordingly.
They both have their ‘workers’; God has his angels, Santa has his elves. They are both running their respected fields, they are the top dogs.
As I draw on these similarities, something else struck me. The main thing that they have in common, neither of them exists! Sorry kids ... and Christians!
As I began to further this thought process I began to think that Santa Clause was created as a hint to all of us that there is no God.
Think about it for a second, they have all these things in common. The idea of Santa existing is placed in a child’s head from a young age and eventually they come to know the truth.
This is the same practice as the existence of God, yet there’s nobody to really break it to you or no real way of discovering. It’s not like you can wake up early Christmas morning to discover you’re parents listening to peoples prayers, then they break it to you; “Son, there is no God; we’ve just been pretending to be him all these years.” That can’t happen.
Santa is a manifestation of God. When you discover that Santa is not real, you also discover that God is not real. It’s a way to soften the blow, as it is easier to tell people that there is no “fat man entering your house once a year to leave gifts” than it is to tell them there is no “almighty being that created the world and us, who lives in Heaven and watches over us every second of everyday”.
Tuesday 30 June 2009
Gordon Brown Should Die!
Let me just start out be saying I’m in no way plotting to kill the Prime Minister (yet, I’m waiting for Cameron to get in).
Gordon Brown was forced to wait in the wings for Tony Blair to retire for so long. He must have had sleepless nights for years. Just waiting and waiting and waiting. Then after following America to into a never ending war Blair finally stepped down and Brown stepped up. His time had finally come.
That was then, this is now.
Gordon Brown could quite possibly go down as the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had. The poor one-eyed bastard! It was a failure from the get go.
Without a doubt the odds have been stacked against him. Firstly I’ve seen carpets with more charisma than the guy and that’s not good for someone leading a country. Secondly, he got into power without being voted in, so it’s not like he was wanted in the first place. So he had to try and win us (the British public) over, but that never really happened.
Some much shit has gone down; floods, credit crunch, recession, MPs expenses, his own party plotting against him, most of his party abandoning him, losing the local elections ... Yes he can’t be blamed for much of it. But he’s in charge so he gets the blame.
Clearly things haven’t gone to plan for Gordon. But I have come up with a plan for the man. He must die. The only thing to save Brown now is death.
I’m not saying suicide. In no way I am hinting that the man should kill himself.
But what I’ve just recently learned is no matter what you’ve done (or what people think you’ve done) in the past, it will all be forgotten as soon as you die. I am of course talking about Michael Jackson.
Jacko, as some people (to lazy to type/say his full name) call him, is dead (thought I’d make that clear in case you’ve somehow not yet picked up a newspaper, watched TV, listened to the radio, logged on to the internet* or had any social interaction with another human over the last couple of days)! Now people and the Media are mourning this guy like he was the second coming of Christ.
A man famous for making music, but somehow managed to spend more time defending himself in court over charges of molesting children than he did in the studio recording albums. A man so against the norm that he ‘de-tanned’ from birth. For fuck sake the man dangled his child out of a hotel window (I bet you forgot about that one didn’t you?!).
Now, I was never a fan of Jackson, I understand that he made (what some would call) great albums. I know that you don’t get the title “King of Pop” by accident, just like you don’t get labelled a ‘paedophile’ over many years by accident. But I seem to feel that before he passed away he wasn’t really that popular. I know he still had his die hard fans, but amongst the general public, nobody really gave a flying fuck about the guy. When was the last time you were moon-walking to Billie Jean before he died? Yeah, I fucking thought so!
It reminds me slightly of Jade Goody. She was hated, she got ill and see was being labelled the “People’s Princess”! The Media is to blame of course, for pushing these ‘celebrities’ down our throats 24/7, but while I choke on the shit they feed, a large amount of people eat it up. This is the way it goes now; death is the best thing to happen in your career. Goody kept feeding the newspapers what they wanted for a fee. Jackson’s sales have gone through the roof. I’m willing to bet he’s made more money in the last five days than he has in the last five years.
This is what could happen to Brown. If he dropped dead right now, the newspapers and TV would mourn him. They’d be calling him “One of the Greatest PMs we ever had”. His death would create his legacy. All the rest of it would go out the window (like Jackson’s kid).
... either that or nobody would care.
Gordon Brown was forced to wait in the wings for Tony Blair to retire for so long. He must have had sleepless nights for years. Just waiting and waiting and waiting. Then after following America to into a never ending war Blair finally stepped down and Brown stepped up. His time had finally come.
That was then, this is now.
Gordon Brown could quite possibly go down as the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had. The poor one-eyed bastard! It was a failure from the get go.
Without a doubt the odds have been stacked against him. Firstly I’ve seen carpets with more charisma than the guy and that’s not good for someone leading a country. Secondly, he got into power without being voted in, so it’s not like he was wanted in the first place. So he had to try and win us (the British public) over, but that never really happened.
Some much shit has gone down; floods, credit crunch, recession, MPs expenses, his own party plotting against him, most of his party abandoning him, losing the local elections ... Yes he can’t be blamed for much of it. But he’s in charge so he gets the blame.
Clearly things haven’t gone to plan for Gordon. But I have come up with a plan for the man. He must die. The only thing to save Brown now is death.
I’m not saying suicide. In no way I am hinting that the man should kill himself.
But what I’ve just recently learned is no matter what you’ve done (or what people think you’ve done) in the past, it will all be forgotten as soon as you die. I am of course talking about Michael Jackson.
Jacko, as some people (to lazy to type/say his full name) call him, is dead (thought I’d make that clear in case you’ve somehow not yet picked up a newspaper, watched TV, listened to the radio, logged on to the internet* or had any social interaction with another human over the last couple of days)! Now people and the Media are mourning this guy like he was the second coming of Christ.
A man famous for making music, but somehow managed to spend more time defending himself in court over charges of molesting children than he did in the studio recording albums. A man so against the norm that he ‘de-tanned’ from birth. For fuck sake the man dangled his child out of a hotel window (I bet you forgot about that one didn’t you?!).
Now, I was never a fan of Jackson, I understand that he made (what some would call) great albums. I know that you don’t get the title “King of Pop” by accident, just like you don’t get labelled a ‘paedophile’ over many years by accident. But I seem to feel that before he passed away he wasn’t really that popular. I know he still had his die hard fans, but amongst the general public, nobody really gave a flying fuck about the guy. When was the last time you were moon-walking to Billie Jean before he died? Yeah, I fucking thought so!
It reminds me slightly of Jade Goody. She was hated, she got ill and see was being labelled the “People’s Princess”! The Media is to blame of course, for pushing these ‘celebrities’ down our throats 24/7, but while I choke on the shit they feed, a large amount of people eat it up. This is the way it goes now; death is the best thing to happen in your career. Goody kept feeding the newspapers what they wanted for a fee. Jackson’s sales have gone through the roof. I’m willing to bet he’s made more money in the last five days than he has in the last five years.
This is what could happen to Brown. If he dropped dead right now, the newspapers and TV would mourn him. They’d be calling him “One of the Greatest PMs we ever had”. His death would create his legacy. All the rest of it would go out the window (like Jackson’s kid).
... either that or nobody would care.
*I understand that by reading this you have logged on to the internet, but maybe you have my Blog set as your homepage, so hypothetically speaking this would be the first time you read it!
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