Capitalising on my Delusions of Grandeur

I’m currently trying to make money and I’m going to offer you, my dear reader, a chance to get closer to me, the one and only Ben Broughton (apart from Joe’s brother and that gay dude on Twitter. I Google myself too much).

Let’s face it people, we all spend too much time on Facebook, posting updates, pictures, videos [you’ve been on; I don’t need to explain every single aspect of it]. But sometimes you post something that nobody responds to and you die a little inside [I imagine, it never happens to me, people Like what I do, literally]. But luckily for you I’m here [for a price] to give you the encouragement you need on Facebook [for a price, did I mention that?].

Basic Package:
Add you as a ‘Friend’ [if not one already]
5 Status Update ‘Likes’
3 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
2 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]

Price: £5.00

Slightly-above-Basic Package:
Add you as a ‘Friend’ [if not one already]
10 Status Update ‘Likes’
7 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
5 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]
1 ‘Page Like’ [can be traded for an extra one of the above, if you don’t have a page]

Price: £7.17

Cool Dudes Package:
[This package is exclusively for Cool Dudes, so don’t even apply if you’re not one]
15 Status Update ‘Likes’
12 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
10 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]
5 ‘Link Comments’ [Supporting your stance on the matter, i.e. it’s shit/great]
1 ‘Page Like’ [can be traded for an extra one of the above, if you don’t have a page]

Price: Was £12.99, now only £10.02 [Exclusive Cool Dudes Discount]

Pimp Daddy Spectacular Package:
25 Status Update ‘Likes’
20 Funny Status Update ‘Comments’
15 ‘Picture Comments’ [Funny/Flattering; your choice]
10 ‘Link Comments’ [Supporting your stance on the matter, i.e. it’s shit/great]
3 ‘Page Like[s]’ [can be traded for an extra one of the above, if you don’t have a page/pages]
5 ‘Check-In Tags’ [Basically, while I’m out living my lavish lifestyle; drinking cans of Skol with supermodels and rich tycoons, I’ll ‘Check-In’ to a venue on Facebook, then tag you as being with me. PLEASE NOTE: You will not be with me, this is all a lie to make your life look cooler on Facebook].

Price: Was £14.99, now only £14.98

Terms and motherfuckin’ Conditions
The work I do is 100% my own, you have bought my skills, not me, I will not leave a Comment that you have written for me. If you are not satisfied with any of my work, I will gladly remove comments, unlike etc. but you will never get your money back.

Payment
I only take Cash. No cheques, credit/debit cards, vouchers/food stamps/coupons. Cash means English sterling, that’s English, keep those Scottish notes away and don’t even start telling me its legal tender. I must be paid in full before anything transpires on your Facebook.

Wipe Power!

While returning to the squalor that is my home town for the “Festive Season” to “enjoy the company of my family” and stock up on deodorant/shower gift sets, I had some lively debates in the place where all arguments get aired out [and started]; the public house. Of course the topics were nothing trailblazing, it was the same old shit that gets spouted on a daily basis over pint pots up and down the country; racism, the class system, what a twat David Cameron is, whom amongst us has the most pitiful existence [I still think it's me, so go fuck yourselves] and what a cunt David Cameron is. Yet one debate wasn't run of the mill and got extremely heated, I'm talking two verbs and an adjective from a bottle getting smashed, a face getting sliced and a sentence getting handed down. That debate; What is the correct way to wipe your bottom.

Now this debate wasn't the most detailed, as we never got on to aspects as important as to fold the paper or scrunch it up, to be fair we didn't even touch on how many sheets [of toilet paper] is ample for cushioning the excrement to avoid the dreaded splash black. This debate raged over one simple aspect; do you stand or sit to wipe?

Take to two seconds to answer this question, although it's probably not best to vocalise it if you're in a crowded area. If you're thinking; “Well I kind of sit on the fence” … I say to you; “Why the fuck are you sitting on the fence while you take a shit, buy a toilet!”

OK, from my extended research I've found that the majority of people sit to wipe, so if you also sit to wipe; congratulations, you're one of the many! So if you stand to wipe that inevitably means you are one of the few but congratulations to you because you're right.

While this wasn't the first time I've had this conversation, this was the first time it was done on a large scale, leading to my previous results [before hand it was a 50/50 split] being totally incorrect. The first time I found out people sat to wipe, it was an eye opening experience. It had never occurred to me that this was possible or even practiced. It was a real shock to the system, as wiping one's anus is a daily task undertaken by everyone [apart from Kim Jong-il according to North Korea propaganda sources]. Finding out there was a different way to approach this task was like discovering that most people do a handstand over the toilet while they piss.

Some may feel that seeing as they are in the minority over such a detail that they are the amongst the individuals going about this act in the incorrect way, whereas I've gave this plenty of thought – probably too much thought, but then again what else do I have happening in my life?

Why Standing to Wipe is Better:

Let's start off by saying if you sit to wipe you're a lazy fucker. You can't even be arsed to attend to your arse properly. I've tried sitting down to wipe [after hearing everyone else did it, I thought I'd give it ago to see what I was missing] and it's difficult to 'attend to the problem' [that's the nicest way I could think of writing; it's fucking hard to reach your arsehole successfully when sat on the throne]. This is what's wrong with this country; too many people too lazy to stand to wipe their bums! Get off the porcelain, wipe your shitter, wash your hands and get a fucking job.

When you stand to wipe you are the perfect position to view what you've just excreted. I firmly believe that all humans have an a massive interest in what their bodies produce. If some substance is expelled from your body you are instantly curious about it, so it's only right to have a good look at it. It's hard to get a decent view of your toilet deposit when you're sat over it.

When your stood up wiping your more ready to tackle possible intruders. Now, I've never had anyone break into my home but for the purpose of this [extremely important] blog, let's say an intruder enters my home while I'm on the bog. I have no idea he's in the house and it's time to wipe;

Scenario One: Sat.
So I'm sat on the toilet wiping my ring piece when the intruder kicks the [bathroom] door down and enters [as with most homes, we keep all our valuables in the bathroom in case you wondered why an intruder would want to enter our bathroom]. At first he's taken aback by the smell, but as I stand and struggle to get my jeans on, he's overcome the stench and stabbed me to death.

Scenario Two: Stood.
So I'm stood in the bathroom wiping, door kicked down, intruder. He's taken back by the smell and the fact that some blokes there with his cock out, this gives me twice as much time to act [compared to sitting], in one swift move I lift one leg from my jeans, run at the intruder and kick him in the face Tony Jaa style leaving him with severe brain damage.


In all honesty, it's rare that I actually write something heartfelt on my blog but I honestly think this sit/stand to wipe argument is in all seriousness one of the most important things I've ever written and I doubt I'll ever be able to channel my focus on a topic so close to my heart ever again. I hope you've had a couple of chuckles along the way, but please take this matter seriously, I don't want you to leave this webpage now and just forget about what you've read, I want you to act upon it. If you're a sitter, try standing and if you're a stander, keep standing [you're the one doing it correctly after all]. Bring up this subject at work, in the playground [if you're a student that is, if you're out of school DO NOT go into a playground asking children how they wipe their bums], at family dinners to get people sharing. Write to your local MP ask him/her their opinions on the matter and what is their political parties' stance on sitting/standing. Start a Facebook group. Get it trending on Twitter. Tattoo your allegiance to your forehead.

Happy Wiping.

Dear Mr. Kyle

I'm an avid fewer of your television show and while some label it as 'human bear-baiting' [a term a don't believe in as surely it would just be 'human baiting', if someone is baiting a dog, it isn't called 'dog bear-baiting', is it?], I don't agree. To be fair your show is one of very few that actually lets the lower class [I'd call them working class, but 98% of them are jobless] be seen on television, yet it isn't doing them much favours as a class in the eyes of viewers, so congratulations for that, I think.

I'm writing to you, as a fan remember, to inform you on a matter than you seem to be extremely unfamiliar with; cannabis. Now you come into more contact with cannabis users than a hostel owner in Amsterdam, so I can't quite fathom why you haven't educated yourself more widely on the matter, hopefully this letter will inform you on the subject.

One of your many catchphrases is; “You know what the number one side effect of weed is don't you? Paranoia!” It's a good catchphrase, nothing amazing, not on the levels of “D'ho!” or “Legen-wait for it... -dary”, but for a man that pokes fun at idiotic pregnant slags and dole queue fillers, it's OK.

My one major gripe about it, is that it's not actually true. Wire yourself up to your trusted lie detector machine and say it over and over again, see what the results are [although I do question that too, if these devices are as accurate as you claim, why aren't they used in law enforcement?]. Form my experience with the drug, I've discovered the main side effect is a feeling of relaxation. But I'd assume you to counteract this claim with something such as; “No, you fool, that's not a side effect, that's the desired effect!! It's my name on the wall!! You should put something on it!!” To that I'd say; valid point Mr. Kyle.

So how about this; The number one side effect from weed is in fact the Munchies. The munchies, is what us stoners refer to the hunger that strikes when you are stoned. It is without a shadow of a doubt the number one side effect of smoking cannabis, so how about you put that in your pipe and don't smoke it... and GET A [PROPER] JOB while you're at it.

Basically Mr. Kyle, if I'm not at work [yes, I have a job, I pay taxes, I don't put money towards the upbringing of my children as I have none] I spend a vast majority of my time high. And you maybe shocked to discover I'm not paranoid any more than the next person and the next person is usually a close friend of mine that also smokes cannabis. You seem to be under the impression that one smoke of a joint and instantly my mind conquers up thoughts of a loved one cheating or some other similar theory that you can compress into a tag-line. This is not the case. Paranoia exists with or without cannabis use and there will be high levels of paranoia amongst your guests as usually it's their reason for being on your show and providing me with entertainment, as I sit back smoking a big spliff thankful that someone's life is much worse than mine... even if he does have his own TV show.