OK, this has been a long time coming. The only reason that I’ve held back from writing this Blog is that my Blog is only read by my friends and the majority of my friends fucking love Drum & Bass, so it’s bound to do down like a shit sandwich, but sadly I couldn’t hold back anymore, because the fact of the matter is Drum & Bass is fucking shit! Yeah, I said it!
I know it’s easy to look at a different type of music from the outside and make harsh judgements on it, but I’m not on the outside looking in, Drum & Bass plagues my life every-fucking-day, and not just recently but this has been the case for quite a few years now. The last time I lived with someone who wasn’t constantly obsessed with Drum & Bass was when I lived at home, four years ago. So before anyone starts pointing a fucking finger in my direction and claiming; “You can’t hate something you know nothing about”, I’d like to make it clear that I know about Drum & Bass, so I’m fucking more than welcome to talk shit about it, so fuck you!
Firstly Drum & Bass is not music.
Music conveys emotion. Every song in any other genre of music conveys emotion, from pop to death metal. But Drum & Bass doesn’t. The only time it does is when the listener is high on pills. But face it, on pills an empty can of Coca-Cola falling down a flight of stairs, clinking on every-step sounds as if it’s music conveying emotion. It’s a sad state of affairs when a whole genre of ‘music’ can be only appreciated (I use this term loosely) when the listener is out of their normal state of mind.
I know people say this about many forms of ‘music’, but in this case it’s completely true; all Drum & Bass songs sound the same. They really do. Every time I hear a Drum & Bass track, no matter which talentless artist has made it, I get a case of déjà vu! It’s freaky!
And when it comes to Drum & Bass emcees, oh my days....! I thought the majority of Grime artists were terrible. The best Drum & Bass emcee makes the worst Grime emcee look like a musical mastermind. It’s just that Drum & Bass lyrics lack a fundamental essential; LYRICS. It’s just fucking muffled gibberish. I feel like I’m listening to someone taking my order at a McDonalds Drive-Thru. They could be speaking Korean for all I know. I do prefer Drum & Bass without vocals to be honest, because then at least you only have to deal with the appalling beat instead of having my ears tortured by an appalling beat and an incomprehendable drivel being spat out by some obnoxious cunt.
It may be harsh to label all Drum & Bass emcees “obnoxious cunts”, so I’d like to say that I’m sure they’re not all obnoxious cunts. I’m sure the Drum & Bass emcee scene is made up of obnoxious twats, obnoxious bastards, obnoxious fucks and obnoxious [add own expletive word here] too.
As I have previously mentioned plenty of my friends listen to Drum & Bass and while I have no medical credentials or no scientific proof to back up the following point, I do believe (from my own experiences) that it is still true; Drum and Bass makes people stupid. When most of my friends started listening to it I saw a rapid decline in their intelligence. They began finding it hard to concentrate on the simplest tasks, this went on to the point were some of them could no longer tie their shoes or even spell their own names.
Another aspect of Drum & Bass is that it seems as if almost everyone that listens to it is a Drum & Bass DJ. I know five people that are Drum & Bass DJ’s! Five! I’d take a wild stab in the dark and estimate that a good 95% of people that listen to Drum & Bass are in fact DJs. The pendulum* has swung in favour of them, now there are more people playing Drum & Bass records than listening to them! The major increase of Drum & Bass DJs makes the global expansion of companies like McDonalds and Starbucks look pathetic. Official figures state that there are approximately 3,000 new Drum & Bass DJs everyday. If this continues it is likely that people such as myself and others that don’t like Drum & Bass will be rounded up and put into camps. Seeing as we will be the minority, we will then be allocated to a Drum & Bass DJ, chained to his (or her) decks and forced to listen to their 24 hour set, just so every Drum & Bass DJ has an audience. When that day comes I advice all those like me to chew at your own wrists until you’ve done so much damage that you eventually bleed to death.
One of my biggest gripes with Drum & Bass is that people actually think I listen to it or like it. Of course it seems silly to hate something because people think you like it, shouldn’t my gripe be with this idiotic morons that believe I would like such shit? No, my gripe should be with Drum & Bass, because if it didn’t exist I wouldn’t have this problem. I’m constantly being asked if I’ve heard the new track by some D&B fuckwit! Or I’m being asked if I’m going to the next Drum & Bass night. Asking me if I like Drum & Bass is akin to asking me if I like jamming a Phillips-head screwdriver down my urethra. So, no I don’t like Drum & Bass, in fact if you’re yet to work it out from the title or from the rant above, I’ll just clarify one more time; I fucking hate Drum & Bass.
Thanks for your time.
*Get it? I used ‘pendulum’ in a Blog about Drum & Bass! I’m so clever.
Friday 20 November 2009
Wednesday 4 November 2009
Are you a Gangsta Rapper?
The world of Gangsta Rap is over-populated to say the least, with new artists trying to get involved everyday. But I have took it upon myself to put together an examination for wannabe Gangsta Rappers to take to see if they have what it really takes to make it in the industry.
1) It is rumoured that Jimmy the Crackhead has been informing the authorities about your illegal activities. What do you do?
a) Write him a letter asking him if the rumours are true.
b) Confront him face to face and ask him politely.
c) Ignore the silly rumours, they’re probably not true, Jimmy’s a nice guy really.
d) Go and pistol whip that motherfuckin’ snitch!
2) You are at a nightclub and you ask a girl to dance, she refuses. What do you do?
a) Move on to the next girl.
b) Go and sit down and order another Orange Juice.
c) I wouldn’t be found in a night club.
d) Call her a “Stank-ass hoe” and glass her with a bottle of Hennessy.
3) You get your record advance, its $25,000. What do you do with it?
a) Put it in the bank, best not to spend it all at once.
b) Buy something nice for your mother.
c) Give a little to charity.
d) Spend $15,000 on crack, distribute that, double you’re money then buy some jewellery and a nice car with them rims that spin!
4) Another up-and-coming Gangsta Rapper ‘disses’ you on a track. What do you do?
a) Update your Twitter page saying; “I heard [artist’s name]’s track. I like it, there’s no animosity at all.”
b) Settle the ‘beef’ with a nice phone call.
c) Bless him and pray that God guides him in the correct path.
d) Run up in his baby mama’s crib, tape that bitch up and trash the whole motherfuckin’ house, ‘cos you ain’t no motherfuckin’ punk and you ain’t takin’ that shit from a bitch-ass-motherfucker!
5) What is your ideal day? Choose from the following;
a) Not waking until noon, a nice cup of tea then maybe a nice long walk later.
b) A trip to the library to get out a couple of books.
c) Read some of the Bible, then have a little prayer.
d) Getting brain from Shaquenta the neighbourhood chicken-head, drinkin’ some 40s, smokin’ some blunts then maybe a drive-by later.
6) Out of the following list, which is your favourite movie?
a) American Beauty
b) Carry On Camping
c) Anything with Tom Hanks in.
d) Scarface
7) Out of the following, Who is most likely to be your idol?
a) George W Bush
b) Karl Marx
c) God
d) Tupac
8) Which of these words best describe you?
a) Law-abiding citizen
b) Loving husband and dedicated father
c) Pope
d) Hustler
9) Out of the following which is most important?
a) Friends & Family
b) World Peace
c) Going to Heaven
d) Bling
10) Are you a Gangsta Rapper?
a) No
b) Don’t think so
c) No, I’m a man of God.
d) Yeah, boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!
If you answered mostly A’s;
You’re not a gangsta rapper, but you are a nice member of society. You may never have a multi-platinum selling Hip Hop album, but you’re less lightly to die in a hail of gunfire.
If you answered mostly B’s;
(See above)
If you answered mostly C’s;
You are the Pope, you should be doing you’re Pope business and not taking Quiz’s online! You are not a gangsta rapper and God doesn’t exisit (thought I’d let you know).
If you answered mostly D’s;
You are a gangsta rapper, congradulations, motherfucker! You could have a multi-platinum selling album, but seeing as the scene so over crowded you probably won’t.
1) It is rumoured that Jimmy the Crackhead has been informing the authorities about your illegal activities. What do you do?
a) Write him a letter asking him if the rumours are true.
b) Confront him face to face and ask him politely.
c) Ignore the silly rumours, they’re probably not true, Jimmy’s a nice guy really.
d) Go and pistol whip that motherfuckin’ snitch!
2) You are at a nightclub and you ask a girl to dance, she refuses. What do you do?
a) Move on to the next girl.
b) Go and sit down and order another Orange Juice.
c) I wouldn’t be found in a night club.
d) Call her a “Stank-ass hoe” and glass her with a bottle of Hennessy.
3) You get your record advance, its $25,000. What do you do with it?
a) Put it in the bank, best not to spend it all at once.
b) Buy something nice for your mother.
c) Give a little to charity.
d) Spend $15,000 on crack, distribute that, double you’re money then buy some jewellery and a nice car with them rims that spin!
4) Another up-and-coming Gangsta Rapper ‘disses’ you on a track. What do you do?
a) Update your Twitter page saying; “I heard [artist’s name]’s track. I like it, there’s no animosity at all.”
b) Settle the ‘beef’ with a nice phone call.
c) Bless him and pray that God guides him in the correct path.
d) Run up in his baby mama’s crib, tape that bitch up and trash the whole motherfuckin’ house, ‘cos you ain’t no motherfuckin’ punk and you ain’t takin’ that shit from a bitch-ass-motherfucker!
5) What is your ideal day? Choose from the following;
a) Not waking until noon, a nice cup of tea then maybe a nice long walk later.
b) A trip to the library to get out a couple of books.
c) Read some of the Bible, then have a little prayer.
d) Getting brain from Shaquenta the neighbourhood chicken-head, drinkin’ some 40s, smokin’ some blunts then maybe a drive-by later.
6) Out of the following list, which is your favourite movie?
a) American Beauty
b) Carry On Camping
c) Anything with Tom Hanks in.
d) Scarface
7) Out of the following, Who is most likely to be your idol?
a) George W Bush
b) Karl Marx
c) God
d) Tupac
8) Which of these words best describe you?
a) Law-abiding citizen
b) Loving husband and dedicated father
c) Pope
d) Hustler
9) Out of the following which is most important?
a) Friends & Family
b) World Peace
c) Going to Heaven
d) Bling
10) Are you a Gangsta Rapper?
a) No
b) Don’t think so
c) No, I’m a man of God.
d) Yeah, boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!
If you answered mostly A’s;
You’re not a gangsta rapper, but you are a nice member of society. You may never have a multi-platinum selling Hip Hop album, but you’re less lightly to die in a hail of gunfire.
If you answered mostly B’s;
(See above)
If you answered mostly C’s;
You are the Pope, you should be doing you’re Pope business and not taking Quiz’s online! You are not a gangsta rapper and God doesn’t exisit (thought I’d let you know).
If you answered mostly D’s;
You are a gangsta rapper, congradulations, motherfucker! You could have a multi-platinum selling album, but seeing as the scene so over crowded you probably won’t.
For Fawkes Sake!
It’s that time of the year in which we embrace an American holiday; Halloween, but we also celebrate that fact that some northerner wasn’t able to blow up Parliament in 1605. I am of course talking about Bonfire Night.
Now, I don’t know how many other countries celebrate failed assassination attempts but I’m guessing there aren’t many, which puts our certain kind of celebration in a class of its own.
The thing is at the end of the day all Bonfire Night is a gathering of people watching shit burn. We commemorate Parliament not being blown up by burning shit we don’t want for one night a year. Then stare at the bonfire like we’re some-type of unintelligible caveman staring at a plasma TV. “Woooo, look at the burny, burny!” We then stare into the sky to watch pretty lights, which always seem to be a let down. If I leave after watching some fireworks and I’m neither slightly deaf nor slightly blind, I’m not satisfied. I also love the way most adults try to say that the fireworks are for the children, when most kids are scared of them and would be more than happy with a sparkler. The fireworks are really for adults, just a nice little distraction for a couple of minutes to take your mind off your shitty lives.
At this time of the year it’s easy to see the difference between us and our American cousins, while they dress up scary costumes and go door to door asking for ‘treats’, we gather together for a tradition deep-rooted into our history. At the end of their night they get home to find a bag full of ‘candy’ and maybe a couple of dollars in their pocket and we end up stinking of smoke, covered in mud, occasionally drenched and often coming down with the first symptoms of a cold or flu.
To me it seems as if this British tradition has run its course. In this day and age in which most of the population hates the government and wouldn’t think twice about walking in Guy Fawkes shoes and attempting a Gun Powder Plot, maybe we shouldn’t commemorate a failed assassination attempt by standing around watching a big fire. When chavs stand around a stolen Corsa as it goes up in the flames that’s illegal, but it’s fine for members of the public to stand around a huge fire once a year. When tramps stand around a burning bin under some bridge they’re still smelly tramps and we point and laugh at them, then go on to stand around a bigger fire, you need to step back and wonder, are you any better than a bunch of chavs or tramps?
So what I propose for next year, is instead of the archaic tradition we should band together and attempt; Gun Powder Plot 2010; Mission Probable! No longer will we celebrate Guy Fawkes getting caught, instead we shall finish what he started.
Now, I don’t know how many other countries celebrate failed assassination attempts but I’m guessing there aren’t many, which puts our certain kind of celebration in a class of its own.
The thing is at the end of the day all Bonfire Night is a gathering of people watching shit burn. We commemorate Parliament not being blown up by burning shit we don’t want for one night a year. Then stare at the bonfire like we’re some-type of unintelligible caveman staring at a plasma TV. “Woooo, look at the burny, burny!” We then stare into the sky to watch pretty lights, which always seem to be a let down. If I leave after watching some fireworks and I’m neither slightly deaf nor slightly blind, I’m not satisfied. I also love the way most adults try to say that the fireworks are for the children, when most kids are scared of them and would be more than happy with a sparkler. The fireworks are really for adults, just a nice little distraction for a couple of minutes to take your mind off your shitty lives.
At this time of the year it’s easy to see the difference between us and our American cousins, while they dress up scary costumes and go door to door asking for ‘treats’, we gather together for a tradition deep-rooted into our history. At the end of their night they get home to find a bag full of ‘candy’ and maybe a couple of dollars in their pocket and we end up stinking of smoke, covered in mud, occasionally drenched and often coming down with the first symptoms of a cold or flu.
To me it seems as if this British tradition has run its course. In this day and age in which most of the population hates the government and wouldn’t think twice about walking in Guy Fawkes shoes and attempting a Gun Powder Plot, maybe we shouldn’t commemorate a failed assassination attempt by standing around watching a big fire. When chavs stand around a stolen Corsa as it goes up in the flames that’s illegal, but it’s fine for members of the public to stand around a huge fire once a year. When tramps stand around a burning bin under some bridge they’re still smelly tramps and we point and laugh at them, then go on to stand around a bigger fire, you need to step back and wonder, are you any better than a bunch of chavs or tramps?
So what I propose for next year, is instead of the archaic tradition we should band together and attempt; Gun Powder Plot 2010; Mission Probable! No longer will we celebrate Guy Fawkes getting caught, instead we shall finish what he started.
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