Why I Hate ... Jedward

Now I’m not one to jump on a bandwagon because I have free thought and bandwagons are filled with people, people carry diseases … I don’t like diseases. I guess you could say I’m on the ‘I hate people’ bandwagon, yet joining this bandwagon is an oxymoron and frustrating in so many ways. But to get back on track; fuck Jedward.

Well in fact, don’t fuck them that would be wrong – and not the kind of threesome anyone has ever imagined with two identical twins. I do hate Jedward, but that’s not their fault. I don’t blame them for that. I blame whoever is behind their ‘careers’. Whichever money-hungry cunt that is profiteering off two innocent and borderline retarded young boys. They’re the real people I hate, yet I’m aiming the barrel squarely at John and Edward.

When Jedward first came about they snuck under my radar as I don’t watch The X-Factor, as I hold the belief that your IQ plummets every second you view that done-to-death popularity contest where talent is OK, yet talent and sob story equals success. If I want to loss a colossal amount of brain cells I’ll do it the good old fashioned way with alcohol or fill a sock with marbles and repeatedly smash myself around the face until I collapse unconsciously into a puddle of my own blood and brain matter. The first time I was introduced to the identical twins was in the pages of The Sun. Thank the media God [Rupert Murdoch] for putting out a newspaper that really is the basis of all British moral guidelines. The previously mentioned newspaper was running a campaign, cleverly titled “Bin the Twins”. It was a rallying cry for its readers not to vote for Jedward. You have to respect The Sun, I mean when they aren’t condemning online bullying that leads to suicide they are launching a nationwide hate campaign against two young men for the simple reason that they don’t sing as good as a couple of other people. If at that point the twins had committed suicide I would have been happy – not because I would have never had to encounter them on my TV – but because the people that contribute to that tabloid would have had to have a long look in the mirror [not their rival newspaper, by the way, the actual reflective glass thing] and really decide what they were doing with their lives. Although as it was The Sun, the headline probably would have been; “THE SUN VICTORY: AFTER DEADWARD SUICIDE”.

“But Ben, who can you condemn The Sun, when you’re doing the exact same thing?”

Well, for the simple reason I’m not a national newspaper. I’m displaying my opinion. The people that read this are likely to be more intelligent then your average Sun reader and therefore able to realise that this is just a comical rant.

What set off my hate for Jedward was their appearance on 24 Hour Panel People*, they featured on the Celebrity Juice segment. I’d encountered them on Never Mind the Buzzcocks before and that was bad, but on Celebrity Juice it was horrific. It wasn’t even car crash TV, it was something worse. Watching news footage from the tsunami that’s devastated Japan is less harrowing than their appearance. I was desperate for a Comic Relief appeal featuring starving, TB ridden children to appear to lighten the mood. It really was that bad.

Now I don’t know how in the modern world we lived in two individuals could be so ridiculously idiotic. I will speculate though. Either; the Irish school system is in tatters and education is harder to get than potatoes were in 1846. Or Jedward were born as conjoined twins, sharing a brain and in the operation to separate them 90% of the brain was lost leaving them with 5% of a brain each. Maybe I’m wrong because Jedward are so unbelievably dense that their whole existence is simply a big act – like some sort of Punk’d episode being played on an international level and soon the veil will be lifted, perhaps at the Eurovision Song Contest, they’ll step out and instead of doing a song they’ll do a PowerPoint presentation explaining how they’ve cured cancer and AIDs.

That act [on 24 Hour Panel People] lit the fuse of hate. But when I develop … or I should say; but when I’m engulfed in hatred for someone or something I don’t simply stop at hating that one thing or those certain people. I go behind all that to what is really taking place. That’s when I realised that someone is behind Jedward; someone is purposely trotting them out to make them laughing stocks, for them to become figures of hate, for audiences to revel in their stupidity. And while Jedward take the brunt, it’s these people in the background pulling the strings that should be hated on. Face it, Jedward’s management are no better than a mother that pimps her five-year-old daughter with Down’s syndrome out to paedophiles for pennies. Jedward are a modern day freak show for us all to gawp, point and chuckle at and while we gawp, point and chuckle someone’s raking in the cash. Surely this constitutes as child abuse. Why aren’t the NSPPC doing anything? Did we learn nothing from Baby P?

*24 Hour Panel People was David Walliams doing panel show after panel show for twenty-four hours. It was broadcast live online – well with a ten minute delay to censor liable comments. It was for Comic Relief. It was unedited.

An in Depth Look into the Governments Decision to Remove Cigarette Displays – by a Twat

Be gone free choice, we pitiful human beings can longer be trusted with you. We’ve had you and look at what some of us have gone and done; we’ve chosen to smoke. Yes, we’ve decided to take up a habit the increases our chances of getting a long, long list of diseases. We’ve picked an addiction that now leaves us castrated from the rest of society and their non-black lungs – but do you know what, we still don’t give a fuck because we still look cool.

So after adding written warnings to cigarette packets, an advertisement ban, adding graphic [warning] images to cigarette packets and introducing a smoking ban – it seems like the war against smoking has stepped it up a gear again; cigarette displays will soon be removed from shops. [I would have put an emoticon sad face here, but I’m not a twelve year old girl – unless I’m in chat room ;-) lolz XxX]

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that stopping people smoking seems like a good thing. I suppose we’ll get a healthier nation; people will live longer and be able to pay more tax. Plus less people will be ill, that means there’ll be less of a burden for the NHS – just in time as it looks like plenty of staff will be out of a job soon.

I see a lot of people saying that this is all for the youth of today, they’re too easily grasped by the evil hands of nicotine. Kids will be kids. Some will smoke, some won’t. People act like this is a new craze, it’s been happening for years. My great-grandmother started smoking around her mid-teens and carried on for the rest of life until it was cut short in her 90s – imagine how long she would have lived if she never picked up the habit.

The thing I can’t understand is the logic behind removing cigarette displays. All the previous laws introduced do have at least some sense behind them, but this is completely lost on me. As for forcing tobacco companies to package their product in plain packaging – what the fuck is that about? No, honestly. Can someone tell me? I understand that the designs on cigarette packets is all cool and stuff [apart from the pictures of tumours and shit] – but if cigarettes are to be kept under the counter soon, why on earth would you need to put them in plain packages? It’s like gouging a blind man’s eyes out. Is it in case someone catches a glimpse of them before the customer puts them in their pocket or handbag? Does the sight of cigarettes offend people that much, or is it that if a young impressionable child gets a sight of the shiny packet they’ll instantly want to start smoking?

Let kids smoke is what I say - they’re all little, ungrateful, idiotic cunts anyway [according to most media outlets] – they don’t deserve to live a long and fruitful life.

Yeah, I’ve reached a point in which I don’t know how to finish things off, as this was just a quick exercise, so here’s a list of other ways [that one day may be introduced by government] to stop people from smoking;

- Sowing people’s mouths closed, making all food in liquid form and have the entire population communicate by sign-language.
- Ban lighters and matches so smokers have to light cigarettes by bashing bits of flint together or rubbing a stick on another stick.
- Fitting designated smoking areas will sprinkler systems that go off over five seconds.
- Whenever a customer purchases some cigarettes a loud alarm goes off alerting everyone in the shop – much to the embarrassment of the customer.
- Breaking the fingers of smokers and would-be-smokers so they can’t spark up.
- Douse individuals in petrol so they can’t spark up – although the way petrol prices are rocketing this is doubtful.
- Nuke us. Just set off a nuclear bomb that kills us all. Then the only smoking we’ll be doing is that of our charred remains.

Until next time – when I’ll spend time and attention towards something good.