On My Soapbox; Air-Strikes in Syria

Look, I want nothing more than the end of humanity [we've ruined this world; slowly depleting it's natural resources, halted it's natural growth, extinct specious', murdered each other because of conflicting ideologies/religions/creed/nationality and loads of other shit], but I always pictured some sort of Zombie apocalypse or a meteor hitting the globe to thin out the crowd instead of another World War... but I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

So people, it's time to hug the ones you love, sit down, plunge your face into your lap and kiss your ass goodbye... which obviously you can't do! Because if a human could kiss their own buttocks that would mean, technically speaking; a man could suck his own cock - and if that was the case; they wouldn't rule the world and we probably wouldn't be in this situation. I say 'probably' because, ya'know; Thatcher!

But the world belongs to chauvinist pigs and one of those chauvinist pig fuckers is David Cameron. I love Cameron, he's like the typical bloke next door... if you grew up in a fucking mansion! Oh yeah, not 'love', I meant 'loath', I'm always get those two mixed up... ask my loathly girlfriend.

Anyway, good old Davey Boy has gone full British Bulldog [let's hope he dies before his time, hey, left-leaning old school WWF fans that catch that reference] and ordered air-strikes on Syria.

Look, if you're expecting me to explain the cluster-fuck of the situation in Syria [and that's the technical term by the way], I can't do it. It's a cluster-fuck. I thought I had a decent grasp on the situation until I watched a video on the BBC News website explaining it and was left more baffled after. Basically, a lot of nations dislike Assad and want to see him leave [USA], but some do like him [Russia], at the moment he's fighting a civil war against rebels, one of those rebel groups is ISIS, but nobody likes them. [Fucking told you I couldn't explain it well!]

And now we're throwing our metaphorical car keys into the bowl at this swinger's orgy. Hooray!

Now, I could be seen as a 'terrorist sympathiser' to David Cameron; the 'warmongering death merchant', but I'm not that gung ho about dropping bombs on Middle-Eastern countries. I know I smoke a plentiful amount of marijuana and drink so heavily that each day is Groundhog Day for my liver... but even in my drug addled mind I have some recollection of the UK getting involved in wars like this before... that weren't particularly easy or successful.

This is because wars like this aren't what they were back in the day. Remember the good old days, when you knew who we were fighting... anyone goose-stepping with a German accent... those were the days!

Nowadays we're fighting religious cults, which is what ISIS are. It's usually a term used for backwards ass Southern American that are 'drinking the Kool Aid', but I think it's the perfect description for these guys. A bunch of religious nuts that have concentrated on certain parts of a religious text that in their eyes gives them immunity to do whatever they want in the name of their God. And they're not constricted by boarders. They're everywhere. With a media campaign so well organised that if they ever catch the guy behind it; he'll be granted immunity if he takes a job at Coke or Apple's advertising department.

This is not something you can simply bomb into oblivion. This is an ideology that enlists impression people and basically brainwashes them into thinking through death they'll reach a higher being. An ideology can't be stopped with violence, if anything that only makes it more powerful. This is a new age, I new type of warfare, we need a fucking new approach.

Let's face facts. Air-strikes are going to kill innocent people. These are normal individuals already in the midst of a civil war. Yet they still live on, I'm a fucking coward, I'd have killed myself a long time ago if I was in their shoes... my only big decision would be if I'd kill Fiona too or just let her feast on my corpse.

And for those who reached a point that it got too much and they left becoming refugees, fleeing to Europe, many dying on the journey, come up against xenophobic hatred because narrow-minded fucks see them as the very same people they're trying to escape. Which leads to bullshit like this;

… popping up in my Facebook feed.

In my eyes, if you're trekked a large part of the globe to another country to avoid persecution, you know what, you fucking deserve a house, much more deserving than a person that simply fell out a vagina on this island that can't be arsed to work. The UK has always opened it's doors to people from other cultures and for the most part they thrive here. Years back it was the Indians, then the Polish, now it's Syrians. I'm from a council estate, so I know full-well the biggest drain on the benefits system is home-grown scum, claiming for bullshit medical reasons and doing cash-in-hand-jobs on the side. I know this because they're friends of friends, and I'm always willing to have extra tokes on their joints and more cans of their beer ['honest man's tax reparation!']. I'm willing to bet the same fuckers that were bashing the Indians all those years ago, probably sit down to a nice curry once a week, and go to the Polish shop because they stock Lays crisps and cheap foreign fags on the sly. So fuck it, let the Syrians in, can't wait to try their cuisine... although judging the lives they've had it's probably scraps and shrapnel.

But as the image states “Why are we housing the bastards trying to kill us?”, well we're not are we. Is every Muslim a terrorist, of course not. Just because your dear old gran has been going to Church every Sunday for decades that doesn't automatically link her to David Koresh, does it? So shut the fuck up.

“But Ben, we're letting in 20,000 refugees by 2020, some of those could be terrorists!”

Yeah, it's a possibility.

“David Cameron said there's already been at least seven attempted terrorist attacks in the UK this year that have been foiled.”

Yeah, he did say that.

So what about this;

Maybe instead of spending a fucking shit ton of money dropping expensive bombs on people, we put that money into properly vetting the refugees that are entering the country and seek out the bad apples. While also giving funds to our counter-terrorism groups, because by the sounds of it they're doing a fucking great job. A big personal kudos to you guys. Keep up the good work, you're the unsung heroes for sure. People get behind the RAF, wishing them good look for basically flying a plane [terrestrial pilots do it drunk, it can't be that hard, there's not much traffic] and pushing a button to drop a bomb [pushing buttons is easy, even a moron like me can do it sssuuuccccccesssssfulllllly].

Our interaction in Syria, without a doubt will increase the terrorists attacks in the UK and although our counter-terror groups are doing a sterling job, you can't always be 100% at work, shit, I'm fucking awesome at my job but even I smash a plate or six on a bad day* [I'm a kitchen porter, by the way and not at a Greek restaurant]. And when that happens innocents will die. Just like in Paris. Because we're not dealing with a bunch of idiotic nut-jobs, we're dealing with a cult that's masterminded a plan. They know assassinating key political figures is almost impossible, so it's civilians that die, we will be paying the cost for our leaders' actions.

But that's just to the start of the plan, xenophobic fears will get amped up in the media, many Muslim will feel persecuted by the societies they've spent their lives in. They'll be verbally and physically abused. Most will shrug it off, knowing that they're dealing with unintelligent cunts, but there's a chance all this abuse could push other individuals over the edge and radicalise them. Truth be told if I was a Muslim and I caught backlash from the attacks in Paris, I'd probably feel disenfranchised from my community and seek revenge, but I'm a spiteful bastard that holds a grudge. And ISIS wants civil unrest, it helps alienated individuals join their cause. And the thing is we need Muslims now more than ever. They could be the key in de-radicalising those that have had their mind warped by ISIS propaganda, they could be the ones that reinforce the humility that the Quran teaches. So how about we lay off them and instead embrace them more? I'm an atheist, there's plenty of evidence that points towards Hitler being the same, yet I don't kill Jews or believe in any of his ideologies. No matter what religion you are, there's always some flag waver causing atrocities in the name of your God[s], it doesn't mean everyone that follows the same God[s] believes the same.

I've rambled for far too long on this subject, so here's the wrap up; Assad is a cunt that needs to be overthrown, he kills his own people with military enforcement, that's not how political leaders do thing these days, instead they kill their own by cutting tax benefits and sending the lower classes to wars they have no business in, like us Western societies. ISIS are cunts, and I don't even want to call them ISIS because that feeds into their hands as that's what they want; they want to be referred to as the 'Islamic State' and all of those that oppose them have fallen right into their hands, so they're already winning. Cameron is a cunt for agreeing to air-strikes in Syria that will kill innocent people and therefore probably turn the Syrians we're trying to help against us, that in turn feeds right into the hands of ISIS.

But don't worry, because at the end of the day you're more than likely safe against a terrorist attack. Evidence shows they usually happen in capital or big cities, so the large majority of us are safe [I wish all the cool people I met in London on my last visit all the best].

Before I go, I just want to say; I think a country should only bomb another country if over 50% of it's inhabits can find that country on a map... and if they can't maybe you should educate them to the point in which they can... but I suppose if you did they probably wouldn't want to bomb them in the first place.

As to how we resolve this threat, I don't know. This is a new age of warfare, a new enemy [kinda like al-Qaeda, remember when we quashed them and the remnants turned up in ISIS?]. There is no victory in violence against a cult willing to die for the cause. If our government really wanted to protect us in this time of austerity they'd do more for the poor, more British people will die this year due to low income and a critically underfunded NHS than attacks by ISIS, but that's not important because some brown people have weapons in the Middle-East and we need to kill them. Should we look into where they get their weapons and funds from? No, we'll ignore that and simply let that continue, because dropping bombs is easier than ruffling a couple of feathers of rich, powerful individuals! It is a capitalist world after all, it's OK for ISIS to have what seems like an endless supply of money from mysterious benefactors because if we dig a little deeper it could upset political procedures.

What happened in Paris was a fucking travesty. There's no doubt about it. But the Western World has been fighting Islamic fundamentalists for quite some time and there seems no end and everything seems to worsen. We need new tactics... and I'm not an idiot, they may not work, but we should go back to the drawing board and try again and again until we figure it out. If violence was an acceptable answer 85% of us would kick the shit out of our boss[es], co-workers, friends and family everytime they they pissed us off. But we don't because we're civilised... or so I've been lead to believe. 

*I'm over exaggerating for comical effect, if I broke six plates I'd be fired, they collectively cost more that my wage for a week.

How Dave Chappelle [Kinda] Co-Wrote This Blog

When talking to most people about Dave Chappelle, it almost plays out like one of his Lil' Jon sketches;

“I've been to see Dave Chappelle.”
“WHAT?”

“I've been to see Dave Chappelle.”
“WHAT?”

“I have been to see Dave Chappelle.”
“OKAYYYY!!”
“Have you heard of him?”
“WHAT?”

“Have you heard of him?”
“”YEAHHHH!”

I personally feel like I shouldn't have to explain who Dave Chappelle is, but seeing as some people may not know [SHAME ON YOU!]; he's an American comedian and [in my eyes] he's easily in the Top 5 comedians alive and performing today.

He recently came to England... well London, but he's American, most of them think our country basically consists of fields, farms, forests and London, and to be fair they're mostly right.

This is such a rarity, I actually thought I'd never even get the chance to see the man perform. So when the tickets went on sale at 9.00am, I was obviously at work, but luckily for me my Brother From Another Mother was on hand to sit at his laptop, constantly refreshing the ticket sellers web-page and he sorted the tickets... like the legend he is.

Now as a notorious recluse, you may think the thought of me travelling to London would be somewhat difficult for me, and being in London even worse due to my distaste for flocks of human cattle, but I do quite like The Big Smoke. I especially love going on The Tube, I'm like an excitable child.

Although this could in part be due to my reasons for being in London in the first place, as the last two times I've been it was to see Chappelle and the time before that was to see Book of Mormon. So I was already in excitable child mode.

Dave, as I sometimes call him, was obviously performing at The London Apollo Theatre. Which in itself was quite exciting for the comedy fan boy inside of me as it's such an iconic stage that many comedians have graced over the years, so to sit inside the place was enough to have me grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat on ecstasy.

Yet imagine my elation once inside and discovering that me and my partner in crime where seated on the fourth fucking row! Fourth Row, Bitches! At this point I was more gob-smacked than Charlie Murphy after Rick James asked him; “What did the five fingers say to the face?” So I did what we all do in these situation and turned to social media to brag about it.

The expensive pints were flowing [Fuck you London prices!], by the time his opening act started. Donnell Rawlings kicked off proceedings. Rawlings is probably best known as Ashy Larry from numerous Chappelle's Show sketches. I've never seen him do stand-up before, but it's safe to say he set the tone perfectly for the big man to follow. 

And follow he did. Constantly chain-smoking. Which was a great nod to the last time he was in London and did a ten minute impromptu set in a comedy club.Click Here. 

The jokes came thick and fast as I sat in awe of the comedy legend. I'm terrible at remembering jokes, so sadly I can't share any, but when you're caught up the moment you're too busy having fun for information to permanently register in your mind. That's how comedy shows usually are, from my [drunken] experiences.

I did miss a slight bit of the show, as the constant laughing and beer swigging was wreaking havoc with my bladder, so I had to make a quick dash to the toilet and literally forced out my urine so fast I almost gave birth to my own bladder. Note to self; wear a colostomy bag for the next stand-up show I go to.

And before I knew it, it was over.

To the far right of us Chappelle had began to high-five and shake hands with members of the crowd and as he made his way across the stage towards us I saw my chance. So up I ran, out of my seat quicker than footage the World Championships of Musical Chairs in rewind, I Hussain Bolted all of those four strides to the front of the stage [Fourth Row, Bitches!], probably shrieking in a fanatic tone that would send a shuddering shiver down the spine of even the craziest One Direction groupie, a few others were had gathered to reach out towards my idol in the hopes of his touch would also grace them, but I would not be beaten... and in a scene reminiscent of Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel's masterpiece... the Godly hand of Dave Chappelle reached out to the sweaty, trembling fan-boy hand of Ben Broughton and shook it.

If I wasn't paralysed by the sheer adulation of the situation, the shock of the whole experience would have opened my eyes so wide that my tear-ducts would have bled semen.

“So what happened next? How did he kinda co-write this blog?”

Well, I haven't washed my hand since.

The End. 

 

"I'm rich, biaaaaatch!"

Irking Me Off; #3 Bloke in High Heels

Bonjour you cunts [#PrayForParis], firstly let me apologise if you've been waiting for me to drop some literary gem, because this ain't it. I've got some shizzle [people still say that right?] I'm working on, but right this instant I'm in a bad mood, but I don't want to write about the thing that put me in a bad mood because I need to keep my job... at least until Christmas. So instead I'm writing about the last person to irk me; the bloke in high heels.

First and foremost, I'm just going to put it out there, I don't care about people cross-dressing, got no problem with it. We as humans have dedicated certain clothing items to certain genders, if a man wants to wear a skirt, it doesn't make him any less masculine, it's often funny as fuck, but I wouldn't think any less of him... because if he's brave enough to do that he'd probably knock my brittle frame in half.

Anyway, let's get to the fucking story...

I was walking to work the other morning at exactly 9.23am and my walks to and from work are always quite interesting. This is because from where I live is a shit-hole rife with unhappy married couples, students and drug addicts [that's me by the way], yet where I work is a rather upmarket, Tory voting [SCUMBAGS!!] area. For example; When I start my walk to work, I get the joy of seeing a man stealing clothes off a washing line on a Sunday morning. And when I'm five minutes from my house on a walk from work; I get the pleasure of seeing a group of junkies shooting up on a set of steps on a Thursday night [and yes those things actually happened].

And on the other hand; minutes after leaving work I pass a house with four cars on the drive [and none of them are up on bricks!]. And once before work I was in the local shop [that closes for a few hours midday, in this fucking day and age!] buying some Lucozade to power me through the onslaught of shit I was about to receive at work, and I was clearly second in the queue and while waiting an older middle-class lady [aka COFFIN-DODGING TORY CUNT] entered the shop, picked up her Daily Telegraph [aka FILTHY FUCKING TORY RAG!] and proceed to try and get served before me, but I'm a fucking gangsta... when it comes to retail etiquette... and I wasn't standing for any of that shit and she actually scoffed at me when I get served first... BITCH, I WAS SECOND IN THE QUENE BEFORE YOU EVEN STEPPED FOOT IN THE SHOP, YOU CUNT!

I kinda got rambling, but you get the point; I encounter a mix of people on my journeys to and from work, so on to the bloke in the high heels.

So once again; let's get to the fucking story...

I was walking to work the other morning at exactly 9.23am and I was almost at work, while descending quite a steep residential road coming up against me was the bloke in high heels [no homo]. When I walk to work I don't listen to music, just the noise around me and the thoughts in my head... and on this day; my thoughts were disturbed... and later on those disturbed thoughts were disrupted by the sound of high heels, yet when I glanced up from my iPhone expecting to see a female, I in fact saw a male!

I was slightly confused. Look, 9.23 am is not my “peak time”, I achieve my “peak time” after about four beers and two zoots, so if I'm working early; 7:45pm, working late; 1:30am, day off; ASAFP [the F stands for Fucking]. So, at 9.23am I'm usually feeling the effects of getting to and beyond the previous' day's “peak time”... what I'm trying to say is; I'm not too on-point. It takes a little time for things to register.

Although I'm slight be-puzzled, I glance at the man's footwear as he approaches me, maybe he's wearing some fancy winklepickers...
“They do look like high heels.” I think to myself, as my heavily bagged and still bloodshot eyes view the man's choice in foot attire.
I look away as he gets closer.
“Nah, he's not wearing high heels, you're seeing things you alcoholic stoner!” I think to myself. But I should have another look for conformation...
“Yep, he's wearing high heels! This man, is wearing high heels!”
Yet I still don't believe what I'm seeing, so I go for another look. And lone and behold this bloke is in high heels.

By this point the bloke in the high heels had noticed I taken notice to fact he was a bloke in high heels, and he shot me a dirty look... the kind of judgemental look a narrow minded individual would give to a bloke in high heels. But I'm not some narrow minded individual, yes I was giving the bloke in high heels a judgemental look and it was in part because of his choice of footwear but it has fuck all to do with any hatred towards his life style choice... it's all simply based around the fact he had his bicycle with him!

He was obviously pushing his bike... because he was in high heels! Who the fuck rides a bike in high heels, that's ridiculous! It's like this dude's seen the ending of Jurassic World and thought;
“Fuck it, if that bitch can outrun a T-Rex in high heels I can ride a bike in them!”
… but you can't, you twat! You was fucking pushing your bike, the fact of the matter is, if you were actually riding your bike, I wouldn't have noticed the clippity-clop of your heels sounding like a tap-dancer having a fucking seizure on stage! Which wouldn't have made my drug-addled mind constantly glance at your footwear, which in turn; wouldn't have got you thinking I was judging your lifestyle choice... which I totally wasn't, you cross-dressing twat!

The End.