I like to pride myself on delivering information to other people to help them in these times of financial problems. I’ve previously tackled such problems as getting drunk for free and also shared knowledge to students on how to save money while at University. So now, as all hope seems lost I return with a new plan...
Apparently it’s never been harder for people aged 18-25 to get jobs, but I think I have the solution! So read my tips, I would like to mention that if you have problems with breaking the law stop reading now, because there’s nothing here for you!
OK, the first part of the plan is you have to start mugging people. I know this isn’t a new idea and it’s risky. But hear me out, although you’re already thinking; “Fuck you Ben, you fool I could have come up with this myself.” But my genius comes later on. So, anyway, start mugging people, get the usual stuff that people have on them; mobile phone, jewellery and car keys. Of course use some common sense here, make sure you pick your targets well. I prefer old people and young kids (not sexually – I know that’s what you were thinking, you pervert!), they’re easy targets and less likely to fight back.
Now comes the clever bit.
Now, as we all know it can be hard to sell on things that are stolen. You either have to sell them to people that fully understand that they are stolen so they are not willing to pay much or you have to try and convince the people that work in Cash Traders that you want to sell your mother’s wedding ring and your grandma’s pretty necklace. Which, form my personal experience is often unsuccessful.
So what are you going to do with these stolen goods?
Luckily for criminals life is getting easier, anyone that watches plenty of daytime TV (better known collectively as social-rejects) would have come adverts that tell you to go online, log on their website and then you send them certain items and they send you cash. So you take the goods you’ve stolen and start to follow these instructions;
- Well firstly send any stolen mobiles to www.mazumamobile.com, get a little cash from them.
- Sell any gold that you may have ‘required’ to www.cashmygold.co.uk.
- And if you were lucky enough to steal car keys and the car sell that to www.webuyanycar.com.
There’s no explaining, there’s no face to face shit, no need to lie. Nothing. Simple as that!
“But Ben, isn’t there a risk that one of these websites will eventually cotton on? Seeing as they’re sending me four or five cheques a week?” is what you should be thinking, if you are indeed a criminal mastermind. And I’m not going to lie to you, this could be a problem. But luckily there is a wide range of websites offering money for mobiles/gold, so a simple Google search will turn up an endless amount of websites willing to buy the shit that you kicked someone’s grandma in for!
But what next?
You can keep doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll ever make a load of money. But luckily I have plans for expanding. A website by the name of www.carspotter.co.uk now has a number (86007) that you can text the licence plates of cars to, they then tell you how much that car is worth. So what you do is walk down a street, or through a car park texting licence plate numbers to CarSpotter (on a stolen phone of course – before you send it to mazuma, you don’t want to use your credit) and wait to see which car costs the most according to CarSpotter, then you steal the car and get more money from www.webuyanycar.com, as their adverts states (about a 100 times) they buy any car. That’s any car; big, small, stolen or burnt out! They buy any car.
If none of this works for you, sell crack to kids!
Good luck.
Ben Broughton or The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is not responsible for any violence or jail time you may encounter if you follow these instructions.
Saturday 29 August 2009
Thursday 27 August 2009
Why I Hate ... Health
Has this big issue with living a healthier life gone too far? I’m serious. I fully understand that eating, exercise and all that good shit is important but do I need it shoving into every orifice of mine like I’m some molested child.
Everywhere I turn it’s “lower salt content”, “now with less sugar” or “the healthier option”. I’m fucking tired of it. Pretty much every major food brand is jumping on the bandwagon, in fear of being left behind or possible judged! Soon enough I really believe that salt shakers will feature a logo scrawled across them that reads; “Now with 50% less Salt”, it’ll come in the same size tub, it’ll be the same price, but when you get it home and open it, it’ll only be half full! And there won’t be anything you can do about it because you’re fucking stupid enough to buy it in the first place! You twat!
This whole “5 a Day” bullshit never really took of with me. Five fruit or veg a day! I barely manage five different fruit or vegetables a week, never mind in a 24 hour period! And I’m quite sure I also came across some information that said when should be having 3 different wheat-based foods everyday too. What a crock of shit. Can’t people just eat what they want? Yes people are getting fatter, so what? Does it matter? We’re over-populated anyway; if everyone eats healthy there’ll be less heart disease, less strokes and more people. And not just normal people, but more healthy people. I fucking despise healthy people. With their nice bodies, excellent diets, cancer free lungs and livers that work properly, fuck you and fuck you’re fully functioning livers you fuckers!
But it’s just not food that been contaminated into this healthy culture, it has spread into all aspects of life. For example, dog food now comes with little vegetables in it. But why? Surely there’s no reasonable explanation for this other than idiotic middle-class health nuts will start buying it thinking that it will keep their dogs healthy. For as long as I can remember dog food has been made up of meat, because that’s what dogs eat. Look at a close wild relation to dog, let’s say the fox (I know wolves would have been a better choice but we don’t have wolves in the country). How many times have you heard a farmer say; “Damn fox got into the carrot field last night, bloody thing made off with six carrots” ... I understand that you may not chat with many farmers which leaves it ever more unlikely, but the point is foxes eat chickens not carrots. Someone pointed out to me that they knew of a dog that ate vegetables, by that he meant scraps. I had a dog that ate his own shit. Dogs eat everything and anything. A dog would probably eat a used tampon if you waved it in its face, doesn’t mean it should eat tampons, used or otherwise.
But the worst thing I have seen relating to health is TSB’s Financial Health Specialists! Financial HEALTH? Not financial HELP, but financial HEALTH!!! Since when did health have anything to do with finances? My money’s not feeling under the weather, it doesn’t have swine flu, it doesn’t exercise, it doesn’t eat ... so it needs no new diet plan. What the flying fuck has health got to do with my fucking finances TSB? Answer me that, please? Is there an answer? Or are you just trying to leech off people’s insecurities that are being created left, right and centre? Are you simply using a word that triggers off a chain reaction in people’s minds; “I eat my 5 a day, I exercise, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I even buy my dog the food with vegetables in; I’m healthy. My dog’s healthy. But what about my finances, they’re not healthy, I better get down to TSB straight away!” What the fuck does a Financial Health Specialist do? Apart from laugh at the fucking idiots that come to then once they’ve left? Fuck Financial Health Specialists! Fuck TSB! And fuck this healthy culture, I’m fucking sick of it, fuck it in the face, with no protection, ‘cos that’s how I roll ... un-motherfucking-healthy!
Everywhere I turn it’s “lower salt content”, “now with less sugar” or “the healthier option”. I’m fucking tired of it. Pretty much every major food brand is jumping on the bandwagon, in fear of being left behind or possible judged! Soon enough I really believe that salt shakers will feature a logo scrawled across them that reads; “Now with 50% less Salt”, it’ll come in the same size tub, it’ll be the same price, but when you get it home and open it, it’ll only be half full! And there won’t be anything you can do about it because you’re fucking stupid enough to buy it in the first place! You twat!
This whole “5 a Day” bullshit never really took of with me. Five fruit or veg a day! I barely manage five different fruit or vegetables a week, never mind in a 24 hour period! And I’m quite sure I also came across some information that said when should be having 3 different wheat-based foods everyday too. What a crock of shit. Can’t people just eat what they want? Yes people are getting fatter, so what? Does it matter? We’re over-populated anyway; if everyone eats healthy there’ll be less heart disease, less strokes and more people. And not just normal people, but more healthy people. I fucking despise healthy people. With their nice bodies, excellent diets, cancer free lungs and livers that work properly, fuck you and fuck you’re fully functioning livers you fuckers!
But it’s just not food that been contaminated into this healthy culture, it has spread into all aspects of life. For example, dog food now comes with little vegetables in it. But why? Surely there’s no reasonable explanation for this other than idiotic middle-class health nuts will start buying it thinking that it will keep their dogs healthy. For as long as I can remember dog food has been made up of meat, because that’s what dogs eat. Look at a close wild relation to dog, let’s say the fox (I know wolves would have been a better choice but we don’t have wolves in the country). How many times have you heard a farmer say; “Damn fox got into the carrot field last night, bloody thing made off with six carrots” ... I understand that you may not chat with many farmers which leaves it ever more unlikely, but the point is foxes eat chickens not carrots. Someone pointed out to me that they knew of a dog that ate vegetables, by that he meant scraps. I had a dog that ate his own shit. Dogs eat everything and anything. A dog would probably eat a used tampon if you waved it in its face, doesn’t mean it should eat tampons, used or otherwise.
But the worst thing I have seen relating to health is TSB’s Financial Health Specialists! Financial HEALTH? Not financial HELP, but financial HEALTH!!! Since when did health have anything to do with finances? My money’s not feeling under the weather, it doesn’t have swine flu, it doesn’t exercise, it doesn’t eat ... so it needs no new diet plan. What the flying fuck has health got to do with my fucking finances TSB? Answer me that, please? Is there an answer? Or are you just trying to leech off people’s insecurities that are being created left, right and centre? Are you simply using a word that triggers off a chain reaction in people’s minds; “I eat my 5 a day, I exercise, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I even buy my dog the food with vegetables in; I’m healthy. My dog’s healthy. But what about my finances, they’re not healthy, I better get down to TSB straight away!” What the fuck does a Financial Health Specialist do? Apart from laugh at the fucking idiots that come to then once they’ve left? Fuck Financial Health Specialists! Fuck TSB! And fuck this healthy culture, I’m fucking sick of it, fuck it in the face, with no protection, ‘cos that’s how I roll ... un-motherfucking-healthy!
Monday 3 August 2009
Worst 10 Adverts Currently on TV
10) Country Life Butter – “John Lydon/Johnny Rotten”
It’s not that this advert is really that bad (when compared to the others on this list), it’s just that John Lydon is a fucking sell-out! Sid Vicious probably spins in his grave every time this fucking advert airs on TV. In the advert, John gets stuck on a country lane as sheep surround him. Fucking hilarious!! Throughout the ad, John asks; “Why do I buy Country Life Butter?” Because you’re a fucking tool John! That’s why you buy it.
9) Life Without Tobacco – “Pimp My Ride”
OK, I’ve been lucky enough to only see this advert once, which is good, but it’s also hard to rant about it seeing as my memory is shot to hell. But from what I can remember from the advert is that it is based on the popular MTV show “Pimp My Ride”. It’s all animated and there’s even a little fake wigger, that’s meant to be Tim Westwood, but looks more like Vanilla Ice, although the voice sounds like Westwood. I’m sure there’s a line like; “Check out my dog,” [shot of a guy smoking] “he looks healthy but let’s check under his hood” [cuts to cartoon image of the guys lungs]. Of course smoking is bad, we all know this. And trying to keep kids from smoking is important, but why are fucking buffoons creating the adverts? “Pimp My Ride” rip-off? Really? It’s not 2007 anymore and a cartoonish-type character based on Tim Westwood is about as appetising as a dog shit sandwich. He’s not cool, he’s not “down with the youth of today”. In fact if any teenagers like him, they should smoke, so they can get cancer and die. The advert tries to act as if stopping smoking is just done simply. Why can’t these fuckwits actually talk straight to kids and not patronise them with trying to be cool? Get me on a fucking Life Without Tobacco advert, I’d tell the kids some home truths.
8) Every Single “Lawyer/Solicitor” Advert
There’s too many to name, but you know the ones; “Had a trip or a fall at work? Car accident? Stubbed your toe? Want some free money?” and all that “No win, no fee” bullshit. They all follow the same path really, some talks to you asking if you’d be injured then they tell you that you can get money, then they roll out some ugly fuckers that go on to tell you how they made some money for being clumsy idiots. These lawyers should get the fuck off my TV and get back to chasing ambulances!
7) Oven Pride – “Even a Man Can Do It”
This sickening piece of shit features a scowling woman that makes Anne Robinson look like a happy-go-lucky kinda person. In this advert the wife passes some Oven Pride to her husband and he cleans the metal grills of the oven, dancing around like a gormless prick with a stupid grin on his face that makes him look like a fucking retard! The slogan; “Even a man can do it”, makes me want to beat up my wife, luckily for her, she non-existent.
6) MoonPig
In my original draft of this list, I was stupid enough to leave this advert from the Top 5, for this I apologise, but the thing with MoonPig now is that I’ve learned to live with it much like an unwanted step-dad or the wart on my balls. It’s one of those things I’ve got used to and forgotten how much I hated it, until reminded. The whole concept of MoonPig pisses me off. Creating a card online to get sent to your loved ones! They attempt to make the point that this makes birthday cards more personal, but surely not even writing in someone’s card is the least personal thing you can do! I sincerely hope that in the owner of MoonPig catches Swine Flu, it will be ironic justice.
5) confused.com
Now, the kings of shit adverts, seeing as they seem to have a new one every-fucking-time I switch the box on! So it’s hard to attack for that one reason. I can’t pick out certain people that piss me off because by the time you read this they’ll be gone and they’re be a new collection of cunts advertising confused.com. They’ll all be talking about how confused.com saved them money; Guy#1: “I saved £200 with confused.com”, Woman #2: “I saved £30 with confused.com”, Guy #2 “I saved 45p with confused.com” and so on and so on! I saved a man from drowning once; I don’t need to go on TV and fucking brag about it! But from watching the adverts it’s clear were confused.com save the most money ... in advertising. Everything’s shot on fucking webcams! Jesus, confused.com, get it to-fucking-gether. Why should I use a company that can’t even be bothered to put any effort into advertising their product properly!
4) Pot Noodle – “High School Musical Spoof”
When companies are clearly making their adverts awful on purpose you have to question their ever deteriorating mental state. Of course this advert is supposed to be ripping off Disney’s mind-numbingly, suicide-invoking, pile of shit films High School Musical(s), but making your advert shit on purpose should be illegal. The advert ends with “I love making Pot Noodle, more fun than throwing a poodle”, clearly these people have never thrown a poodle under a speeding double-decker bus, because that is fun, lots of fun, much more fun than pouring hot water into a plastic tub containing dried up noodles. I hate this advert so much that I’d rather watch all three High School Musicals back to back, than sit through this 30 second advert!
3) MoneySupermarket.com – “Peter Jones”
“In times like these we all need to save on our household bills...” says Peter Jones (the guy that sits on the far right on Dragons’ Den) at the beginning of this advert. And of course if a multi-millionaire is doing adverts for price comparison site, times must be hard. There’s another ad, in which he rides around on a supermarket trolley like the prick he is. The fucker is so rich he’s probably never encountered a shopping trolley before (seeing as he probably pays someone to shop for him) I think that the director of the advert had to point out how the whole thing works to the smug fucker.
2) Cuprinol – “Wood Preservation Society”
This advert starts with a bunch of smiley, cheerful gardeners appearing from a shed. As soon as that shed door opens, my stress levels shoot through the roof. Then the song starts and I attempt to strangle anyone in reach, just so their choking drowns out the singing, which is dreadful, cringe-worthy and probably the theme tune to an apocalypse, in my opinion. The best bit has to be were the old woman glosses her table and then watches it in the rain. It’s a shame she isn’t struck by lightening. I like to tell myself that because she’s been stood in the rain like a fucking muppet, she’s caught the flu and hopefully kicked the bucket by now, telling myself this really helps me sleep at night. At the end of the advert, they all return to the shed, to continue their AIDs infested orgy.
1) Curanail – “Criminail”
This advert is so terrible it makes me physically sick. I’m actually gagging now as I type this because I’m having to think about it. The actress in the advert has clearly spent a good 5-10 minutes in acting school. The whole concept of fungal-nail infected toes being criminals is mind-blowing and featuring a giant toe in the advert too? What the hell is going on in the world? We all know what toes look like, even Heather Mills, and she’s only got half as many of the rest of the population. We don’t need to see filthy, giant toes on our TV! Toes and feet are disgusting in my opinion that’s why we have socks and shoes, to hide them away from the rest of mankind. And the puns, in the advert! I’m getting angry just thinking about this fucking advert! The video of Ken Bigley getting decapitated is more enjoyable than this advert. Inserting a drill-bit into your japs-eye, then turning on the drill is more enjoyable than this advert. This advert makes being gang-raped seem pleasurable.
It’s not that this advert is really that bad (when compared to the others on this list), it’s just that John Lydon is a fucking sell-out! Sid Vicious probably spins in his grave every time this fucking advert airs on TV. In the advert, John gets stuck on a country lane as sheep surround him. Fucking hilarious!! Throughout the ad, John asks; “Why do I buy Country Life Butter?” Because you’re a fucking tool John! That’s why you buy it.
9) Life Without Tobacco – “Pimp My Ride”
OK, I’ve been lucky enough to only see this advert once, which is good, but it’s also hard to rant about it seeing as my memory is shot to hell. But from what I can remember from the advert is that it is based on the popular MTV show “Pimp My Ride”. It’s all animated and there’s even a little fake wigger, that’s meant to be Tim Westwood, but looks more like Vanilla Ice, although the voice sounds like Westwood. I’m sure there’s a line like; “Check out my dog,” [shot of a guy smoking] “he looks healthy but let’s check under his hood” [cuts to cartoon image of the guys lungs]. Of course smoking is bad, we all know this. And trying to keep kids from smoking is important, but why are fucking buffoons creating the adverts? “Pimp My Ride” rip-off? Really? It’s not 2007 anymore and a cartoonish-type character based on Tim Westwood is about as appetising as a dog shit sandwich. He’s not cool, he’s not “down with the youth of today”. In fact if any teenagers like him, they should smoke, so they can get cancer and die. The advert tries to act as if stopping smoking is just done simply. Why can’t these fuckwits actually talk straight to kids and not patronise them with trying to be cool? Get me on a fucking Life Without Tobacco advert, I’d tell the kids some home truths.
8) Every Single “Lawyer/Solicitor” Advert
There’s too many to name, but you know the ones; “Had a trip or a fall at work? Car accident? Stubbed your toe? Want some free money?” and all that “No win, no fee” bullshit. They all follow the same path really, some talks to you asking if you’d be injured then they tell you that you can get money, then they roll out some ugly fuckers that go on to tell you how they made some money for being clumsy idiots. These lawyers should get the fuck off my TV and get back to chasing ambulances!
7) Oven Pride – “Even a Man Can Do It”
This sickening piece of shit features a scowling woman that makes Anne Robinson look like a happy-go-lucky kinda person. In this advert the wife passes some Oven Pride to her husband and he cleans the metal grills of the oven, dancing around like a gormless prick with a stupid grin on his face that makes him look like a fucking retard! The slogan; “Even a man can do it”, makes me want to beat up my wife, luckily for her, she non-existent.
6) MoonPig
In my original draft of this list, I was stupid enough to leave this advert from the Top 5, for this I apologise, but the thing with MoonPig now is that I’ve learned to live with it much like an unwanted step-dad or the wart on my balls. It’s one of those things I’ve got used to and forgotten how much I hated it, until reminded. The whole concept of MoonPig pisses me off. Creating a card online to get sent to your loved ones! They attempt to make the point that this makes birthday cards more personal, but surely not even writing in someone’s card is the least personal thing you can do! I sincerely hope that in the owner of MoonPig catches Swine Flu, it will be ironic justice.
5) confused.com
Now, the kings of shit adverts, seeing as they seem to have a new one every-fucking-time I switch the box on! So it’s hard to attack for that one reason. I can’t pick out certain people that piss me off because by the time you read this they’ll be gone and they’re be a new collection of cunts advertising confused.com. They’ll all be talking about how confused.com saved them money; Guy#1: “I saved £200 with confused.com”, Woman #2: “I saved £30 with confused.com”, Guy #2 “I saved 45p with confused.com” and so on and so on! I saved a man from drowning once; I don’t need to go on TV and fucking brag about it! But from watching the adverts it’s clear were confused.com save the most money ... in advertising. Everything’s shot on fucking webcams! Jesus, confused.com, get it to-fucking-gether. Why should I use a company that can’t even be bothered to put any effort into advertising their product properly!
4) Pot Noodle – “High School Musical Spoof”
When companies are clearly making their adverts awful on purpose you have to question their ever deteriorating mental state. Of course this advert is supposed to be ripping off Disney’s mind-numbingly, suicide-invoking, pile of shit films High School Musical(s), but making your advert shit on purpose should be illegal. The advert ends with “I love making Pot Noodle, more fun than throwing a poodle”, clearly these people have never thrown a poodle under a speeding double-decker bus, because that is fun, lots of fun, much more fun than pouring hot water into a plastic tub containing dried up noodles. I hate this advert so much that I’d rather watch all three High School Musicals back to back, than sit through this 30 second advert!
3) MoneySupermarket.com – “Peter Jones”
“In times like these we all need to save on our household bills...” says Peter Jones (the guy that sits on the far right on Dragons’ Den) at the beginning of this advert. And of course if a multi-millionaire is doing adverts for price comparison site, times must be hard. There’s another ad, in which he rides around on a supermarket trolley like the prick he is. The fucker is so rich he’s probably never encountered a shopping trolley before (seeing as he probably pays someone to shop for him) I think that the director of the advert had to point out how the whole thing works to the smug fucker.
2) Cuprinol – “Wood Preservation Society”
This advert starts with a bunch of smiley, cheerful gardeners appearing from a shed. As soon as that shed door opens, my stress levels shoot through the roof. Then the song starts and I attempt to strangle anyone in reach, just so their choking drowns out the singing, which is dreadful, cringe-worthy and probably the theme tune to an apocalypse, in my opinion. The best bit has to be were the old woman glosses her table and then watches it in the rain. It’s a shame she isn’t struck by lightening. I like to tell myself that because she’s been stood in the rain like a fucking muppet, she’s caught the flu and hopefully kicked the bucket by now, telling myself this really helps me sleep at night. At the end of the advert, they all return to the shed, to continue their AIDs infested orgy.
1) Curanail – “Criminail”
This advert is so terrible it makes me physically sick. I’m actually gagging now as I type this because I’m having to think about it. The actress in the advert has clearly spent a good 5-10 minutes in acting school. The whole concept of fungal-nail infected toes being criminals is mind-blowing and featuring a giant toe in the advert too? What the hell is going on in the world? We all know what toes look like, even Heather Mills, and she’s only got half as many of the rest of the population. We don’t need to see filthy, giant toes on our TV! Toes and feet are disgusting in my opinion that’s why we have socks and shoes, to hide them away from the rest of mankind. And the puns, in the advert! I’m getting angry just thinking about this fucking advert! The video of Ken Bigley getting decapitated is more enjoyable than this advert. Inserting a drill-bit into your japs-eye, then turning on the drill is more enjoyable than this advert. This advert makes being gang-raped seem pleasurable.
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