Bonjour cunts, as many of you may know from personal experiences with me I’m quite an avid borderline alcoholic.
If you can’t ever remember seeing me so drunk I made a complete twat of myself and all those around me, you need to seek medical advice because clearly you’re suffering from major blackouts or memory loss.
Anyway, recently I’ve been slightly worried about my colossal intake of alcohol. I don’t know if I’m simply being a bit of a hypochondriac or if in fact this is an actual, legitimate, reasoning from my subconscious.
You see, I drink A LOT. That’s not some kind of braggadocios claim, like; “I drink more than you” [although I do], it’s a stone cold fact [I could also out drink Steve Austin, stone cold fact #2]. For as long as I can remember I’ve drank almost everyday [of the week, not the entire 24 hours]. I like to think it started when I came* to University, but delving into my corrupted memory bank of before I departed to Derby, I still used to spend most nights drinking with friends in my hometown. Back then it was all there was to do in our small shitty town, but now I’m a proper grown up, paying council tax and whole lot, surely I should have moved on from this ‘habit’ by now?
So why do I drink? I don’t have a definitive answer, I think it’s a combination of factors, the first being habit.
You see I like routine, I’m a simple, yet boring individual and I like to know where I stand day to day. I like being in my comfort zone; at home with alcohol… and sometimes friends. Anything away from that and elements are out of my control and I don’t like having to give up complete dominance of my surroundings, it makes me feel weak. Yet, if everyday passes with no massive alterations between one and the next, I feel content in life. Just writing this makes me pity my own existence, especially when you take into account how fleeting life is. Maybe I’ve lost my drive, ambition and self-belief that I’m capable of doing anything else with my life. That moves us swiftly on to my second reason of why I drink…
Escapism. Alcohol like many other wonderful drugs, helps ease off reality. And let’s face it; reality, much like reality TV, is fucking awful. If you think reality is anything but awful you’re either; an optimist that’s yet to have life crush that hope out of you or you’re a botched lobotomy patient. On the rare occasions I don’t drink [due to the fact I can’t afford to] and I go to bed sober, my inner voice begins to role off that long list of problems in my life; debt, health, future, bills, rent, the disgusting human being I’ve become. That begins the never ending spiral of self-hate which culminates in me sitting up until the early hours of the morning, unable to sleep, making empty promises to myself about how I’m going to change. Those promises never happen. Then the next time this happens the intensity of my self-loathing escalates to astronomical levels. Alcohol amends this, with enough in my system that little inner voice has nothing to chime in about, it blocks out that nagging talk in the back of head and helps me relax and be happy, without the constant fears of how my life is mapping out.
Boredom. I get bored extremely quickly. I get bored with people, bored with tasks, bored with entertainment, right now as I write this I’m itching to get out my seat and do something else, because quite frankly I’m bored of writing at this precise minute [but you can tell that from the lack of jokes]. Yet, the only reason I’m writing is because I’m bored of everything else there is to do in my flat… fucking explain that one! Alcohol doesn’t totally cure boredom. It’s not like I sit in a dark room, swigging SoCo from the bottle congratulating myself on how so not-bored I am. Alcohol just makes things less boring; episodes of QI on Dave I’ve seen a million times before, the latest shit comedy film Hollywood has churned out, listening to my friend’s relationship problems… You get the picture, all the mundane shit that we come across daily. You see, while I like to think of myself as a boring individual [I have two topics of conversation], I detest being bored, my mind thrives on constant information. Alcohol subsides that need of stimulating entertainment.
So, am I an alcoholic?
I’m not capable of self-diagnosing, really. The government suggests having at least two dry days a week and if you’re able to do this you’re probably not addicted to alcohol, I tried my hand at it and was successful [for one week, this is only the second]. But the pure fact that they suggest only two dry days was slightly shocking to me, which made me think on the grander scale that I’m probably not alone in how much I actually drink.
Yet I do think I have an addictive personality; smoking, TV, tea, chicken wings, I’ve done more than my fair share of recreational drugs in the past and my personal opinion is I ‘liked’ one a little too much, but when the down out-weighted the high, my perspective changed. Maybe this will happen with alcohol; maybe I’m just one massive hangover away from calling it time gentleman, please, on my drinking… although with my current drinking form I average less than ten impactful hangovers a year, so for one to make me want to quit drinking altogether may put me on my deathbed before I take note.
I think my biggest problem isn’t alcohol, it’s what I’ve mentioned; routine, escapism and boredom. These are all problems with me personally, I need routine, but routine makes me bored and I need to escape it. Maybe if I just get off my arse and make alterations to my daily actions I not need to drink so much. Maybe if I stopped spending all my money on drink, I could pay off those debts. Maybe if I spent less time being drunk I could regain some self-belief and drive to actually achieve something in life instead of moaning about it in a drunken stupor.
*Proof reading this, I noticed this; “came to University”, it obviously should be; “went to University”, clearly I still think of myself as living that Uni life style.
Monday 12 August 2013
Sunday 11 August 2013
#DrinkingSeason: The Alcoholic Test
1. Do you drink heavily when you are disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel with someone?
YES. Obviously, drink cheers me up when I’m disappointed, if I’m under the influence, I’m over the pressure and what else would I do after a quarrel? Talk things out like civilised adults?
2. Can you handle more alcohol now than when you first started to drink?
YES. But can’t everyone? Let’s face it when you have your first drink [at the tender age of six], you have no tolerance at all, and that slowly builds up over time until you’re able to knock back quadruple Southern Comforts [at your seventh birthday party].
3. Have you ever been unable to remember part of the previous evening, even though your friends say you didn’t pass out?
YES. But my friend’s are complete bullshitter’s, they probably knew I’d passed out and decided to fuck with my mind… maybe that’s it… maybe, just maybe I don’t have a problem with drink and simply have shit friends.
4. When drinking with other people, do you try to have a few extra drinks when others won’t know about it?
NO. I want to make sure everyone can see how much I can handle.
5. Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available?
If I’m at a pub; YES. If I’m at the off-licence; YES. If I’m taking a long dump; NO. If I’m at a funeral; YES. Swings and roundabouts; YES.
6. Are you more in a hurry to get your first drink of the day than you used to be?
UNSURE. As I can’t remember that far back.
7. Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your drinking?
YES. Along with my actions when I’m drunk, like once when [censored for legal reasons].
8. Has a family member or close friend express concern or complained about your drinking?
NO. Not for a while at least, but there could be a reason for that. [Read the answer for Question 3 again].
9. Have you been having more memory “blackouts” recently?
NO. I don’t think so, but how would I know?
10. Do you often want to continue drinking after your friends say they’ve had enough?
YES. Because they’re totally drunk after four beers, I start to get drunk after six [if I haven’t eaten that day].
11. Do you usually have a reason for the occasions when you drink heavily?
YES. But my drinking heavily and your drinking heavily are three completely different things.
12. When you’re sober, do you sometimes regret things you did or said while drinking?
YES. But to be honest, I don’t remember 80% of what I said, did or brandished at the park to those children and that duck.
13. Have you tried switching brands or drinks, or following different plans to control your drinking?
YES. I started buy extra strength larger and also switched to vodka to get me drunk faster, but I get the feeling that’s not what you are on about.
14. Have you sometimes failed to keep promises you made to yourself about controlling or cutting down on your drinking?
YES. But who hasn’t uttered those immortal words while suffering from a hangover; “I promise I’m never drinking that much again!”
15. Have you ever had a DWI (driving while intoxicated) or DUI (driving under the influence of alcohol) violation, or any other legal problem related to your drinking?
NO. As I don’t drive [a personal choice, as I’m always drunk and would be liable for a DUI] and I’m rarely out in public drunk.
16. Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you are drinking?
NO. Gotta have someone around to carry me home or make sure I don’t choke on my own vomit, that’s just common sense really.
17. Are you having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems as a result of your drinking?
NO. I’m having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems getting in the way of my drinking.
18. Has your physician ever advised you to cut down on your drinking?
NO. As I haven’t been to see a doctor since I was 16, but if I did see one I’m sure they’d advise me to drink less, but that’s just what they say. When ever as a physician advised a patient to drink more?
19. Do you eat very little or irregularly during the periods when you are drinking?
YES.
20. Do you sometimes have the “shakes” in the morning and find that it helps to have a “little” drink, tranquilizer or medication of some kind?
NO, I don’t drink in the morning before work, instead I get some hammered the night before I wake up at least tipsy or at most still totally bladdered.
21. Have you recently noticed that you can’t drink as much as you used to?
NO. Don't be silly.
22. Do you sometimes stay drunk for several days at a time?
YES. Last year’s record was 365 days on the trot.
23. After periods of drinking do you sometimes see or hear things that aren’t there?
NO. I don’t think so. But how would I know, if I constantly see it? This question is really tripping me out.
24. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?
YES. But it was a barmaid.
25. Do you ever feel depressed or anxious before, during or after periods of heavy drinking?
Before? During? After? You’ve covered all bases there, so basically the question is do you ever feel depressed or anxious? Then; YES.
26. Have any of your blood relatives ever had a problem with alcohol?
YES. They’re all a bunch of drunks.
YES. Obviously, drink cheers me up when I’m disappointed, if I’m under the influence, I’m over the pressure and what else would I do after a quarrel? Talk things out like civilised adults?
2. Can you handle more alcohol now than when you first started to drink?
YES. But can’t everyone? Let’s face it when you have your first drink [at the tender age of six], you have no tolerance at all, and that slowly builds up over time until you’re able to knock back quadruple Southern Comforts [at your seventh birthday party].
3. Have you ever been unable to remember part of the previous evening, even though your friends say you didn’t pass out?
YES. But my friend’s are complete bullshitter’s, they probably knew I’d passed out and decided to fuck with my mind… maybe that’s it… maybe, just maybe I don’t have a problem with drink and simply have shit friends.
4. When drinking with other people, do you try to have a few extra drinks when others won’t know about it?
NO. I want to make sure everyone can see how much I can handle.
5. Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available?
If I’m at a pub; YES. If I’m at the off-licence; YES. If I’m taking a long dump; NO. If I’m at a funeral; YES. Swings and roundabouts; YES.
6. Are you more in a hurry to get your first drink of the day than you used to be?
UNSURE. As I can’t remember that far back.
7. Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your drinking?
YES. Along with my actions when I’m drunk, like once when [censored for legal reasons].
8. Has a family member or close friend express concern or complained about your drinking?
NO. Not for a while at least, but there could be a reason for that. [Read the answer for Question 3 again].
9. Have you been having more memory “blackouts” recently?
NO. I don’t think so, but how would I know?
10. Do you often want to continue drinking after your friends say they’ve had enough?
YES. Because they’re totally drunk after four beers, I start to get drunk after six [if I haven’t eaten that day].
11. Do you usually have a reason for the occasions when you drink heavily?
YES. But my drinking heavily and your drinking heavily are three completely different things.
12. When you’re sober, do you sometimes regret things you did or said while drinking?
YES. But to be honest, I don’t remember 80% of what I said, did or brandished at the park to those children and that duck.
13. Have you tried switching brands or drinks, or following different plans to control your drinking?
YES. I started buy extra strength larger and also switched to vodka to get me drunk faster, but I get the feeling that’s not what you are on about.
14. Have you sometimes failed to keep promises you made to yourself about controlling or cutting down on your drinking?
YES. But who hasn’t uttered those immortal words while suffering from a hangover; “I promise I’m never drinking that much again!”
15. Have you ever had a DWI (driving while intoxicated) or DUI (driving under the influence of alcohol) violation, or any other legal problem related to your drinking?
NO. As I don’t drive [a personal choice, as I’m always drunk and would be liable for a DUI] and I’m rarely out in public drunk.
16. Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you are drinking?
NO. Gotta have someone around to carry me home or make sure I don’t choke on my own vomit, that’s just common sense really.
17. Are you having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems as a result of your drinking?
NO. I’m having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems getting in the way of my drinking.
18. Has your physician ever advised you to cut down on your drinking?
NO. As I haven’t been to see a doctor since I was 16, but if I did see one I’m sure they’d advise me to drink less, but that’s just what they say. When ever as a physician advised a patient to drink more?
19. Do you eat very little or irregularly during the periods when you are drinking?
YES.
20. Do you sometimes have the “shakes” in the morning and find that it helps to have a “little” drink, tranquilizer or medication of some kind?
NO, I don’t drink in the morning before work, instead I get some hammered the night before I wake up at least tipsy or at most still totally bladdered.
21. Have you recently noticed that you can’t drink as much as you used to?
NO. Don't be silly.
22. Do you sometimes stay drunk for several days at a time?
YES. Last year’s record was 365 days on the trot.
23. After periods of drinking do you sometimes see or hear things that aren’t there?
NO. I don’t think so. But how would I know, if I constantly see it? This question is really tripping me out.
24. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?
YES. But it was a barmaid.
25. Do you ever feel depressed or anxious before, during or after periods of heavy drinking?
Before? During? After? You’ve covered all bases there, so basically the question is do you ever feel depressed or anxious? Then; YES.
26. Have any of your blood relatives ever had a problem with alcohol?
YES. They’re all a bunch of drunks.
Saturday 3 August 2013
Time for a Sketch
But, I’m a busy man-child; I don’t have time to articulate all my frustrations into words nowadays, especially seeing as this blog has been going for over five years and I’m yet to become famous or even slightly respected for all the effort I’ve put in. I blame you all, I hope you know.
That’s why blogging has taken a backseat to other aspirations I hold. The first example was my battle rap, which if it went ahead and I was successful [not in the battle, but in standing in front of a crowd and performing, without making a massive tit of myself], I was going to try my hand at a stand-up routine.
Blogging was a low priority at the begging of the year as I was developing comedy sketches for various outlets, including Newsjack, 4amCab and The Show What You Wrote. Although a mix up with submitting times and working a late shift meant that all the hard work I’d ploughed into writing for TSWYW was a total waste as I missed the deadline. I could really do with an agent or at least someone to make sure I’m actually paying attention to these fucking things I do.
I hadn’t heard anything for a while and wasn’t hoping for much from 4amCab as I’d sent them three sketches and once I clicked send email I instantly regretting one of the sketches so much I assumed they wouldn’t use anything I’d offered up. It was in very poor taste. But they the other I got a notification on Twitter [this almost never happens], excited and bemused I checked it out. And as it turns out they’d liked something I sent them and used it.
This made me happy.
The sketch has be rewritten by the wonderful people at 4amCab [this happens a lot, as at the end of the day it’s their product that they are putting out and the podcast has a certain ‘feel’ it needs to continue], but features my beginning and overall premise.
You can check out the sketch here;
You can check out the whole podcast here;
http://4amcab.com/credits/s2/credits-ep4-spudmarine/
You can Follow 4amCab on Twitter here;
https://twitter.com/4amcab
The Sketch I send them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)