My New Neighbour

"Neighbours. everybody needs good neighbours" ... go the lyrics to the semi-popular TV Soap. Yes we all need good neighbours, but we don't always get good neighbours.

Now being such a nice bloke as I am, I've never really not got on with my neighbours in the past, but I know already that I'm going to clash with my new neighbour.

Let me first share what I know about this character. He's an almost-deaf coffin dodger, who loves his garden. And his garden is very nice, I will give him that. If Alan Titchmarsh saw this garden he would probably shoot a load in his Y-fronts. There are two problems that arise because of my neighbour's beautiful garden:

- We share a small fence so we can see each others gardens, and because I'm living in a student house and my garden is basic. But next to his it looks shit. It's like standing your pretty girlfriend next to Lucy Pinder, not so pretty anymore is she?

- Secondly, and more imortantly is my new neighbour has done everything he can to his garden so he is slowly invading my garden! There was a tree at the bottom of my garden, NOT ANYMOE! He cut it down while I wasn't in. I was given a list of items that are inside and outside the house by the estate agents, items such as beds, fridge, washing machine and so on. It's so the estate agent knows what was there and what should be left when I move out. Of course the tree wasn't on the list because it's a fucking tree! No landlord has ever expected his tenants to cut down a tree. Me and my housemates are going to get into some serious shit for this. And there's nothing we can do. We can't plant a new tree, apperently they take years to grow! And I'm sure the estate agents/landlord not believe the sweet old man next door did it.

I'm quite sure when Hitler's first steps to invading Poland was by cutting down their trees! I remember it from History class at school. So I'm ready for a full on war here.

"I'm not racist but ... I am!"

Ever heard someone say; "I'm not racist but..."? I'm sure you have, maybe you've even said it before (I'm joking of course, I'm sure you're not a racist). Well, I AM RACIST! Yes I said it. So what the fuck you going to do about it? I'm tired of living this lie, I'm coming out of the closet (racism closet that is, not the homosexual closet - need a few more years in here first), I fucking hate WHITE PEOPLE!!

They think they're so cool. I know it's not nice to judge a whole race based on a few people of that race that you've encountered. But I've been living with white people since the day I was born and I'm fucking sick of it. This isn't just a snap decision, this hate has been growing for time. Let's look at the facts:

The father that was never there for me = WHITE
The mother that never bought me a Mega Drive = WHITE
The teachers that gave me my mis-education = WHITE
The bullies at school = WHITE
The boss at work that gives me shit = WHITE
The girls that never licked my balls = WHITE
The friends that always smoked my weed = WHITE

And it's not just in my life, it's all over the world that crackers are fucking up. Hitler was white, look at all the shit that he did! Tony Blair's white, he's fucked up this country, and Gordon Brown (who is also white, despite is last name) has fucked us up more. George Bush, every-comedians favourite punchline has fucked up the entire world and he is white. If tomorrow there was a newspaper headline that read; "Robert Mugabe not even black, turns out it was just a tan", I wouldn't be shocked in the slightest.

Even Michael Jackson was making great music and not touching children before he turned white.

I know what people are thinking, how can I hate white people when I'm white? Well the fact of the matter is I hate myself for being white! Even if I have mix-raced kids I'll still hate them slightly because they're dad's a white bastard!