You’ve Got 99 Problems, I Have One

“Oh yeah, they call me the recluse, ‘cos I don’t go outside for nothing...” sings Plan B, although I’m more into the; “Stab you in the eye, yo, with a fuckin’ biro...” style he adopted earlier on in his career, but that first line sums up my current existence brilliantly.

I have become a recluse [thought I’d come out and say it in case you aren’t familiar with Ben Drew’s work]. When I’m not at work [in a storeroom, usually on my own], I’m locked up in my bedroom, usually getting a tan from the glow of my PC monitor. The thought of trekking outside is enough to tire me out. If my house was set alight [extremely likely to happen on the street I live on], I’d still probably have to be talked into leaving the premises as if I’ve developed Stockholm Syndrome with my abode. I’m not agoraphobic, at least I’m quite sure I’m not and I’ve watched enough House M.D. to qualify myself as my own ‘medical advice giver’ and acting as my medical advice giver, I say I’m fine.

But that’s the thing, I’m always fine, it’s everyone else that’s the problem – he says from his ivory tower. I’m sure if I was to delve deeper into my own subconscious and really pin-point what the fuck is the matter, I’d finally see that it is me. Yet, I’m stubborn, much more stubborn than most and while self-deprecation is an art form I’ve mastered, I’m no where near close enough to the point of blaming myself for my own actions and feelings. Basically; it’s me, but seeing as I won’t acknowledge that, it’s YOU! You’re the fucking problem.

Not definitely you, per say. I’m not saying you [the reader] have done something to offend me, you probably haven’t done something to hinder my existence, but most people have. You see, wondering out of my house presents me with the opportunity of bumping into someone. This is something that happens to everyone on a daily basis, the thing is, I’m starting to loose patience with people... or ‘time parasites’ as I’m starting to refer to them. What is it with people and their need to communicate? Can’t they just focus what they need to articulate into blog form like me? What is this incessant desire to share every opinion, emotion and problem? Right now you’re almost certainly going to point out the irony that on this very blog I share my opinions and problems, yet they are easy to get away from; just click the little ‘X’ in the top right-hand corner [how many other Bloggers give their readers detailed steps to take to get away from their blog? – None, because I’m a trailblazer] Here are the facts people; you have two ears and one mouth [unless you’re hilariously disfigured – if so; complaints and pictures to the usual address, you fucking freaks], that means you should do twice as much listening as talking. Nobody ever learned anything from talking constantly.

When did it become so ‘normal’ for everyone to discuss their problems with each other? Whatever happened to bottling it all up until you had a nervous breakdown or went on a murderous rampage? You may argue the point that now people are discussing their problems there are less nervous breakdowns and murderous rampages, but at the end of the day, if it’s a toss up between listening to a person’s tediously, mind-numbingly, boring ‘problem’ or getting shot in the face by a stressed out, problem filled nutter on a murderous rampage, I’ll take the bullets thanks and keep shooting until you can’t make out my features anymore, I want a closed casket [ceremony] anyway.

I’ve kind of veered off course here, but never mind. To sum up people moaning about their problems is my problem and therefore causes me to live life as a recluse. See you around... although I probably won’t.

Who's Really Behind the Riots? An Alternative View

There have been a couple of riots lately, but you already know that. Us; average, non-rioting motley crew of stay-at-homes have had every type of daily medium we deal with taken over by the riots; TV, radio, Facebook, Twitter ... We’ve been absolutely bombarded with images, videos and stories of the riots, I think we’d have seen less rioting if we’d have actually been out rioting.

Of course, as always people are desperate to get to the bottom of what caused the riots? And they’re serving up the usual batch of shit. But don’t fear, because I don’t have a narrow minded view of the revolting classes that choose to revolt. I have no bias towards the police, or as I call them; “murderous, racist scum pigs”. I do hate Cameron, but that goes without saying. People are too restricted with their views on what is causing the riots; I’m here to suggest some alternative views.

The Kaiser Chiefs
Firstly let me say; I’ve even seen Hip Hop mentioned as a cause... yet I didn’t realise that the riots had a soundtrack. I think instead of initially suspecting that ‘urban types’ only listen to Hip Hop, we as a public should acknowledge that Hip Hop is fair superior to any other type of music as it’s subject matter spans the widest range of topics and it captivates every single emotion humanly possible, and that, at the end of the day we are all Hip Hop fans, so it should no longer by dragged into the spotlight and labelled as a causation of crime. The next time some buffoon decides to falsely acknowledge that a genre of music is a causation of violent or criminal behaviour, I’mma pop a cap in ass! Word to his crack-smokin’ momma!

In 2004 the Kaiser Chiefs predicted a riot. Yep, seven years ago these guys knew it was coming and they did nothing to try and stop it. In my opinion that is completely shameful. Why aren’t the media turning on them? I’ve seen a rapper on Newsnight condemning the actions of these rioters, but where the fuck are the Kaiser Chiefs? They aren’t condemning what they predicted, they aren’t apologising for not working more closely with the police to put together a plan to halt or even curb the rage we’ve seen lately. I think there should be a national campaign against the band until they are demoted to Kaiser Constables.

Out-of-Work Builders
For a change we need to take into account who’s really profiteering off of these riots. Yes, maybe a looter has got a new flat-screen TV or brand new pair of Nikes, but it is out-of-work builders that are going to see an increase of cash flow over the coming days, weeks and months. For this reason we must suspect that they could be the ones inciting these riots.

Let’s face it; the economy isn’t at its strongest these days and companies aren’t splashing out money on rebuilding stores, so builders must create business for themselves. How would they go about doing that? By burning buildings down! It’s the fucking out-of-work builders, people, think about it!

JD Sport/Currys
Two of the most looted stores in the riots have been JD Sport and Currys. Is this a coincidence? No, of course not.

As I have already mentioned we are currently in an economical downturn and in the world of capitalism flagging companies will do anything to stay afloat. Let’s face it, out of all of the chav attire supplying, discount sports shops JD has to be one of the weakest. Also; not too long ago there was a Currys in Derby’s Westfield Centre (a big mall/shopping centre) until it relocated because the company could no longer afford the rent! This is a national supplier of electrical goods that can’t afford to pay rent, I’m constantly broke and even I can afford to pay rent, which means, I, as an individual, am currently more successful than Currys. These two companies probably aren’t turning over money like they used to. So the riots and looting have almost certainly given them the chance to cash in on some major insurance claims. These companies will more than likely make more money from insurance claims over the next few days than they would have made all year.

Rupert Murdoch
It’s become a struggle to remember what the news was reporting on before the riots, some people are even suggesting news coverage never existed before the riots, well it did people! And the biggest news story was the phone hacking scandal. Do you remember now?

I wouldn’t put it past Mr. Murdoch and his vile excreting media outlets to create a national ruckus to defer attention away from himself and the News of the World story. Both The Sun and The Times [both owned by Murdoch’s NewsCorp] have been reporting on the riots, this only acts as further proof, surely! Now with the riots in full swing people’s minds have been overloaded and actions of Murdoch’s minions have been cast to the never regions of our collective memory bank. I’m willing to bet those investigating the scandal have forgot about it, leaving everyone involved to get off scot-free.

So there it is people. Instead of blaming a couple of youths that like setting buildings alight and looting clothes and electrical goods, maybe we should start casting doubt over the individuals and companies that are really making financial and personal gain over what has been taking place. Then, perhaps, we will see who is really to blame [hint; it’s those people I’ve just mentioned] ... and the Kaiser Chiefs, don’t forget about the fucking Kaiser Chiefs.

A Different Kind of Sick Blog

Hello loyal follower/random passer-by/Facebook Friend that clicked a link; how are you today?

Enough with the pleasantries you tossers, I don’t really care how you feel today because I feel like shit. Not just any regular shit, but proper shit, really fucking shitty. You know them shits that you take and then examine for a good five minutes before you flush, while thinking; “Now that’s a shit!” well that’s how I feel at this instant. Right now I’m sat quarantined in my bedroom with the curtains drawn, lights off, surrounded by brittle, discarded tissues like some 13-year-old virgin that’s just discovered PornHub. I’m not in an emotional state in case that’s what you were wondering, I’m not mulling around in darkness because of feelings of guilt. Guilt is for convicted paedophiles and embarrassed MPs and I’m neither of them ... yet. I’m wallowing in a sea of self-pity because I’m ill. Not just ill though; infected.

I don’t get “poorly-sickies”, easily. It’s quite a surprise that my immune system is able to keep me safe guarded from the many viruses floating around the contaminated public that inhabit Derby, due to my complete lack of staying healthy and continued consumption of alcohol randomly discovered on the street. The pure fact that I spent 99.9% of my life disease-free should be viewed as a medical mystery. But on those off occasions that a Trojan Horse penetrates my Firewall, not even a [Spyware] Doctor can remove the Infection. Sometimes I wish humans were more like computers, so that when we did fall victim to some sickness we could just System Restore to a previous day or turn ourselves off and start from Last Known Good Configuration. Plus if women were more like computers it’d be much easier to turn them on [Hey lads, am I right? Or what?] and they’d be easier to boot up [although domestic violence is wrong, no matter how drunk you claim to be].

What makes this matter worse is that today is my day off. One of the very few times I get to spend relaxing, sitting around doing nothing and I’m stuck inside; relaxing and sitting around doing nothing... while being ill. There’s a massive difference in there, somewhere, because now instead of watching random videos and YouTube in my boxers, I’m watching videos on YouTube in my boxers coughing up chunks of phlegm that could drown a kitten, small dog or a new born child. Detainees at Guantanamo Bay had it piss easy compared to my current situation. Suffragettes can suck a dick; I’m the one that’s suffering here.

My sinuses are more blocked than the A38 in rush hour. My oesophagus feels as if I’m deep-throated a spiked bat. I’m dripping sweat like a chunky porn star in a steam room scene. My skeleton aches like someone’s been into my room last night and stolen all my fucking bone marrow to sell on the black market. I’ve got pale mucus slithering out of orifices I didn’t even know I had. And loads of other shitty analogies that I’m too tired to think of...

Now I’m off to cram in a bunch of Halls and Soothers in my month in an attempt to nullify my gullet long enough to enjoy a smoke.