OK, let me start off by apologising for my recent lack of blogging… although you probably haven’t realised, it’s not like this my blog is your home page… although it fucking should be, you cunts.
You see, I’ve been extra busy writing battle raps. I’m far too lazy to explain that now [I’m writing this at 1.00 am after a bottle of red wine, show me some mercy, please]. Anyway, I was due to battle an individual named Shaolin Dunk, but sadly he was unable to attend due to personal problems, so after all that writing and practicing I was never able to get up in front of loads of people and embarrass myself on camera by forgetting all my lines… and making a fool of myself, but luckily for you I’m posting my ‘bars’ on my blog, seeing as I spent so much time on them they deserve to be seen by some people. Seeing as the majority of my readers [all three of you, and I am including myself in that figure] have no understanding of what battle rap is and how it works, I’ve highlighted certain lines and explained why they are [supposed to be] good.
He’s recently back from Toronto, Canada [1], so welcome to Derby; the sticks
Where we call your mum Karma as her nickname and it’s starting to stick,
cos she comes around and goes around … the largest of dicks,
And that’s how I know [that] you’re an S.O.B cos Karma’s a bitch
[1] Mentioning a fact that I’ll come back to later.
[2] “Karma comes around and goes around”, “Karma’s a bitch” With referring to my opponent’s mother as having the nickname Karma I’m able to call her a bitch and suggest she is promiscuous.
Shaolin Dunk sounds like the name Nike’d give to some Yao Ming pumps [3]
Shaolin Dunk; a novice Chinese Basketball team, coached by a howling monk,
Shaolin Dunk; a kung-fu inspired way to dip biscuits in tea when you’re out for lunch
Shaolin Dunk; a gay twist on bukkake involving a bucket, in which your boyfriends leave you showered in spunk [4]
[3] Yao Ming is a famous former NBA [basketball] star of Chinese descent, therefore I’m saying my opponent’s name is something what the Nike brand would call a pair of trainers inspired by Ming.
[4] I continue to use references towards my opponent’s chosen name ‘Shaolin’ by referencing monks and kung-fu.
Shaolin Dunk… admit it; that last line left you aroused, you punk, [5]
You; dowdy runt, how the fuck are you exactly; ‘Shaolin’, Dunk?
Cos the way I see it; [Me;] Hidden Dragon, [Him;] Crouching Skunk [6]
Let’s say; I was to get loudly drunk and turn into a rowdy cunt
[5] I’m alluding to the fact he is possibly a homosexual, nothing original, but always fun to do.
[6] I twist the title of the martial arts film; “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, so it makes me seem to be the hidden dragon and my opponent is a crouching skunk.
Would you pounce ‘n’ jump then pull some astounding stunts? [Shake Head]
Or announce some stuff so profoundly tough that the crowd erupts? [Shake Head] [7]
You’re not connecting with a “round-house thump” or those rounds you brung
And you ain’t Dhalsim, chump, just cos you stretch out a lousy punch [8]
[7] Here I describe the very possible fact of me getting intoxicated and becoming obnoxious, and question my opponent as to if he would respond physically or verbally, then quaff his ability to do either.
[8] I claim my opponent is unlike the Street Fighter character Dhalsim known for his arms that stretch as he delivers a punch. Here the word punch has a double meaning, one is the act of hitting someone with a fist, the second is short for punchline. Punchlines are used in battle rap to attack your opponent. Stretching a punch[line] is often a bad thing, basic translation is; you take too long to get to the point… a bit like this breakdown.
When I step up, I don’t have to put my Air Max on, to handle Dunk [9]
Cos he’s still on the contents page of “How to Battle Rap; Manual One”
Nobody here will ever heard a track from this random bum
If Mister Miyagi was your DJ - even he wouldn’t throw your wax on, Daniel-Son [10]
[9] Nike Air Max trainers, popular in the NBA [when I used to watch it at least], I reference my opponents name linking it to basketball/slam dunk.
[10] Karate Kid references! I twist the “wax on, wax off, Daniel-Son”, as in Hip Hop putting the wax on means a DJ playing a record.
This Pagan’s a mess, another Asian obsessed, wank guy,
That wants to change his name to Chang Kai, fly East to bang Thai’s, [… lady-boys] [11]
but I’ll save the hassle of this man’s flight, have him reincarnated in Shanghai
After killing him in Vaults, like I double crossed him on a Bank Heist [12]
[11] My opponent is very interested in martial arts and would like to visit the Far East, I over-exaggerate these facts for comical effect.
[12] The venue of the rap battle was a The Vaults, therefore I kill him [as in defeat him greatly in the battle, not literally] in Vaults, killing someone in a Vault may happen if you double cross someone on a robbery of a bank.
I have an inkling D’s thinking he’s inking schemes to injure me; ninja please
