It's that time of the year in which I
can justify being the recluse shut in I am, by pointing out it's
bloody cold outside. And while there are numerous activities I could
do in the flat; clean it for example or at least do some Christmas
shopping on Amazon or something, I instead watch TV and get irate
with the advertisements in between reruns of Four in a Bed and Come
Dine with Me.
Now you don't have to reach my daily
allocated TV time of sixteen hours to know that adverts on the whole
are shit, it's a well documented fact of life. Yet around this merry
season brands and shops go all out on their advertising campaigns in
hope of parting you with your hard earned cash but my beef isn't with
those that take a well known war story football match to flog it's
customers tins of beans or a servilely brain damaged child that
thinks his stuffed penguin is real. Instead my beef is centred around
those companies aiming at selling goods for the Christmas experience.
This year I've noticed an incline of
adverts aimed towards the 'home Christmas party/gathering'. It's
that; “Oh, you've got friends and family over for Christmas, you
need this, this and that” type of advertising.
First on the oak chopping block is;
Oak Furniture Land. Now, this duo of some young little gob-shite and
his elder sales assistant [that should be heavily criticising his own
life decisions as he looks almost 60 and he's in the same role as a
recent school drop out] have been steadily annoying TV viewers for
the last year or so. “It's like selling gold for the price of
silver”... No, no, no, muh'fuckahz, it's like selling fucking WOOD
for the price of PLATINUM, you fuckwits.
But
they've ramped it up for the festive season, wanting you to buy a
complete oak dining set for near on a grand... but what's the
imaginative unique selling point they've mustered up to make you
think about parting with that much cash around the most expensive
time of year... “Oh, you'll need a seat for Gran!” Firstly, fuck
Gran! No offence, she's a lovely lady, but I'm not throwing a whole
fucking wage packet at a table and some chairs so she's got somewhere
to sit. Just get the chair from the PC desk, throw a towel over it to
cover the dried up, crusty cum stains and have her sit on that. Her
dementia's at a point that she's not 100% what's going on anyway,
give her another Sherry and she'll go asleep in 20 minutes. The only
oak worth buying for elder family members is boxed shaped and even
that's a waste of cash because you end up dropping it in a six foot
deep hole in the ground.
What
else we got? Oh yeah, the supermarkets pushing booze down our throats
like a rapey uncle. “Prices cut on spirits, get all of these
[different kinds] for cheap because you don't know what your guests
will like!” Firstly, fuck my guests! No offence, I'm sure they're
cool, but if for one second they even think they can have any of MY
BOOZE they're sadly mistaken. Even if the spirits got me into the
Christmas spirit and I for one millisecond offered a guest an
alcoholic beverage, do you think they get a choice in the matter?
Nope, they get what I'm willing to part with, not what they want, and
they'll enjoy the dregs of that can of Carling.
Lastly,
but not least-expensively we have electronic stores misinforming you
that you'll need a brand new TV over the festive season to watch
festive films and football. Because after shelling out all that cash
on Frozen goodies for ankle biters, you really should treat yourself
by getting into debt, hey your new year's resolution can be to get
out of it again, but only until December next year when you'll need a
new TV.
I'm
going to let you in on a little secret, the majority of the Xmas
movies that air each year are quite old, you don't need a HD or 3D TV
to enjoy them, in fact if you're anything like me you don't need to
watch them to enjoy them. You've seen them so many times you can
simply have them on as background noise, while your mind fills in the
gaps as you do something more productive like assembling that oak
dining table pissed out your face.
Haven't
got an ending for this as it was practice for writing again, so fuck
off and have the best Christmas you can.
