iAtus Explained

Some would say that since I haven't been posting blogs lately the internet hasn't quite been the same. These people are clearly deluded, but I fucking love them for it. I'm not going to speculate on the rumours surrounding my recent hiatus, for a couple of reasons, the main one being there's been no rumours. Turns out I'm not as popular as I and other deluded people think I am. But that's fine by me, popularity is a difficult to achieve and even harder to keep up – I can barely sustain an erection, so I'm definitely not ready to take on a burden of popularity. Plus to be popular, you have to keep on the cusp of fashion and recent events, I'm fair to busy cruising YouTube and Facebook stalking for that shit.

Anyhow, I will tell you readers [if there's any of you left] why I have been away. You see, what I've done here is mention that I haven't been writing lately to get you wondering why and now I've drawn you in, you want to continue reading, that's the sign of a good writer - while pointing it out is the sign of a unpopular blogger stroking his own ego and only mentioning it to pad out the whole blog [62 extra words, POW!!]. The fact of the matter is I've been away because something spectacular has happened to me. I'm sure it's happened to plenty of other people lately, maybe some people you know. I haven't had my phone hacked by News of the World [or any other News Corp publication] if that's what you're wondering. This is probably because I have no voice-mail, plus if I did, I trust the people with my phone number to not say anything incriminating in a message, that's just common sense. But the reason for my hiatus is phone related. Addicted to phone sex lines? No. Obsessed with prank calling elderly relatives? No. Did I set my phone to vibrate, lube it up and slide it into my sphincter? No.

I got myself a new phone; an iPhone!

Now I've never had much love for Apple products or apples in general unless they're Granny Smith's [shout out to Granny Smith – I'm trying to get corporate funding or at least so free apples], I have an iPod [but c'mon, who doesn't?], I detest Macs and I could never see myself owning an iPad. I don't know what it is about them, I'm sure the products work perfectly well and are built to an extremely excellent standard, but I get the impression that anyone that owns an iPhone/iPad/Mac is a pompous, pretentious prick.

Right about now I'd like to say; I'm the exception that proves the rule, but I'm not. I can slowly feel the cuntishness iPhone owner traits creeping into my everyday life. Such things as calling my phone an iPhone in conversations, so instead of saying; “Yeah, you can borrow my phone.” I say; “You can't touch my iPhone with your grubby little mitts, you cock!” I've gone app crazy; Lotto app to check my numbers, Hay-fever app to check the pollen count, WordPress app so I can blog on the move – but guess what I've got no time to write because I'm too busy playing on my iPhone … Yeah, iPhone, not phone; iPhone! I get it out of my pocket at least once every ten minutes to unlock it, scroll through the menu, just to lock it again – I don't know why, there's no justification in it, it's just a natural reaction now. And the games... oh the games. I initially told myself, I wouldn't get Angry Birds, let alone become addicted to it, but guess what, I did and I have. So far my friends have hosted three interventions for my Angry Bird addiction and although they've all explained in massive detail how playing Angry Birds is slowly eroding what's left of our dying relationships/friendships, I still don't give a flying fuck. Some apps are only 59p, that is a fucking bargain, don't Mars bars cost more than that now and they last about a minute, a good app could keep you entertained for days on end.

Having owned a BlackBerry and now an iPhone, I feel comfortable wading in on the classic debate; BlackBerry vs iPhone. Going from a BlackBerry to an iPhone is like going from a hand job from a ugly crackhead to shagging Miss World. Don't get me wrong, the BlackBerry is a good phone (crackheads can also give good hand jobs – so I'm told) but the iPhone is an experience, it ceases being a phone, it becomes a friend, and as you begin to favour it over mates, family members and loved ones, it becomes your only friend and as time goes on it becomes your only reason to live.


I struggled to stay focussed on this because I kept playing on my iPhone, sorry it wasn't better.