This is something I was writing before Christmas, but never got around to finishing due to it being Christmas...
Christmas shopping ... it’s
a burden we all share [like Chlamydia], but if you’re yet to run
the yearly gauntlet of frenzied, consumer driven zombies clambering
over each other to buy material possessions that are meant to define
your love/respect/admiration for a person you share your miserable
life with; “I feel bad for you, son, I got 99 problems but
‘buying-shit-for-people-I’m-supposed-to-care-about-for-Xmas’
ain’t one!”*
“Hit
me!”*
I’m
not much of a man’s man; my unintentionally hairless chest and my
physique; similar to that of a 15 year old… hermaphrodite… would
prove that! But I easily earn some hairs on my balls for extreme
levels of hatred I have towards shopping. Shopping is like eating out
an arse; I don’t like it, I can’t do it right and the thought of
doing it again makes me sick. But this year I actually made an
effort. [Add sentence here to prepare reader for long-winded and
unnecessary back-story].
As
I live away from my [shitty] hometown, my two younger sisters used to
take on the duty of buying gifts for family members and adding my
name to cards/presents, then they’d hit me up for the cash I owed
them later down the line. They don’t do this anymore, probably
because they have their own lives and enough money to buy things
separately… or maybe they’re just cunts. On top of that; I’m a
terrible gift-giver, I don’t know what people like, but those are
my short comings of being so self involved and if my family love me,
they’ll learn to get over it.
This
year was different. My mum had scheduled to visit me [with less than
a week’s notice] to drop off my Christmas presents. This basically
set off a fuse of the time period in which I’d see a family member
before Christmas – without doing it off my own back! So in the few
days before she arrived I spent what seemed like two lifetimes going
in and out of shops trying to find my family [mother, her husband,
two younger sisters and younger brother] gifts – I think it
actually turned out to be three hours and I went to a restaurant in
that time too.
I
also had to buy something for my mother as I hadn’t got her
anything for her birthday [yes I’m a terrible son… doomed with
two terrible sisters that don’t seem to give a fuck about adding my
name to a card anymore]. Worst of all; I had to buy something for my
brother. Now you may be reading this thinking that should be easy
enough, brotherly love and all that… but that’s bollocks. As much
as I love that uber-computer-game-playing son-of-a-bitch, we’re
very different people; I’m the handsome, wise-cracking, ladies man,
toast of the town, intoxicant binging reprobate, everyone’s
favourite yet to mature man-child, he’s the… weird brother of
‘that dude’. So Jack, if you’re reading this; it’s going to
be Game vouchers again, mate, sorry. [Note: Still haven’t actually
bought them]
Obviously
I have a life outside the family I only see a handful of times a
year, the main part of which is the lovely lady I trapped into a
relationship and she stuck around [Stockholm syndrome, bitches!]. Now
this is slightly easier, as I see this wonderful woman daily, so
buying for her doesn’t present such a task. What she likes, her
hobbies/interests should be embedded in my brain. But if I chose
wrong, the repercussions are much greater, it’s not as if I get a
wrong present for a family member they’ll stop sleeping with me –
they can’t, we’re from Sutton, they make you do it!
I
was struggling on a ‘big present’, I’d got a couple of bits and
pieces [cheap, random shit] but luckily she knows me too well so she
pointed me in the right direction by suggesting a film camera. A film
camera is not a video recorder by the way, I recently learned that,
about a sentence after she proposed it [Yes, I’m that stupid]. I
know what you’re thinking; “but digital cameras are so much
better, no film, no paying for having your photos developed… blah
blah blah.” But let’s please not dwell on my younger girlfriend’s
attraction towards the out-dated relics. I’d like to add I’m such
an idiot that the pure suggestion was not enough to for me to go
about finding one myself, I had to be aided with a direct link online
to the one she wanted. Yet I still bought another one out of spite.
There
are some gifts I haven’t purchased yet, the main ones being for my
two comrades in smoking, drinking, joking, thinking and intense games
on Worms; whom I constitute as my family away from family [although
we don’t sleep with each other]. I’m almost sure on what I’m
getting one of them. The other one’s a Sikh, so he has no right
celebrating Christmas really [said the devout Atheist] and I know
what to get him, but a punching bag with the prophet [censored]’s
face on it, is hard to find seeing as the EDL doesn’t have an eBay
account.
All
this Christmas shopping has rekindled a little obsession I had last
year with Amazon [website, not rainforest]. I know buying stuff
online isn’t a big deal to most people, but as an out-dated relic
I’ve never really done it. The main reason is due to my vast amount
of [what some would call; illegal] downloading by PC’s have
constantly been hit with viruses or malware, this has always made me
cautious towards online shopping in case some computer nerd [Jack!]
steals my bank account details. But now I just do it on my phone,
like most ‘look-at-me-I’m-tech-savvy’ mindless drones
inhabiting each others’ lives. I fucking love Amazon it’s like
window shopping form the comfort of your own toilet seat, plus you
can get anything on there, I recently bought a novelty toilet seat
[it’s strange how my mind works].
[This
Blog stops here because I didn't finish it]
*that
was an adaptation and reference to Jay-Z; 99 Problems from The Black
Album [Roc-a-Fella / Def Jam]. 2004.
No comments:
Post a Comment