Pretty Fly [Catching] for a White Guy

Hey, if like me, you happen to live in the over-sized town of Derby, you may have noticed this lovely little shit-hole has become increasingly more shit-holey just lately with the influx of flies.

The hate-mongering tabloid; The Sun, has a perfectly balanced article about it; Click Here; 

[If you're not too ashamed to have The Sun's website in your internet history]

It's becoming increasingly frustrating for us residents, I'm not at the stage of thinking it's like “living in a horror movie”, because I don't watch shit horror films. A swarm of flies, although disgusting, isn't really overly horrifying to me. It's less like a horror film and more like an Oxfam advert of impoverished children, you know the one's where flies crawl across a starving babies face... it's more like that, apart from the starving to death bit. Wow, thinking about those poor kids really puts this whole fly thing into perspective. A fly infestation and starving to death, now that's horrifying.

"I have mine with milk, two sugars and only five flies - I'm trying to cut back"

Anyway, while at my house we do have someone to deal with pest control, even she's beginning to feel the strain, so I've had to step up to give her a helping hand [as she has none]. Unlike with most things I attempt in life like soberness, empathy and 'not being a cunt', I'm actually quite good at catching and killing these shit swarmers. I knew if I resisted suicide for long enough I'd finally find my calling in life.

It's quite ironic really, because for the largest majority of my life people have been saying I wouldn't harm a fly, how wrong they were. I know my petite body structure gives off the impression that if I caught one of these pesky bastards, it'd simply fly off carrying me [with it] into the air, but that's not the case [heavy boots to the rescue].

Over the last few days, I've been honing my techniques and perfecting them. Last night I Mr. Miyagi'd [professional fly-catcher terminology] two flies without even looking at them. OK, that's a slight bit of a stretch, but the first I caught left handed while admiring myself in the mirror. But the second one later on, I simply felt buzz by the right side of my head, I swooped at it, caught it and gripped my fist tightly until I heard the crunch.

It was epic. I may have got a little over hyped by my amazing fly-catching skills and began screaming insults at any other flies in ear-shot, it was akin to the “King Kong ain't got shit on me!” speech by Alonzo Harris in Training Day... but you know, without the 'n-word', obviously. Plus in hindsight licking the fly guys off my palm like a neanderthal was probably a step too far, but I was really, really hyped up... and drunk.

The issues surrounding the causation of the flies is still be sorted, but with this amount of them in the local area we're going to be dealing with them for sometime. So here's you're opportunity to have [possibly] Derby's Best Fly-Catching Muh'Fuckha at your disposal [for a small fee*].

Basic Package; I'll come around and snatch them out of the air. That's a basic price and a surplus for every five flies I catch.

Premium Package; As above. But I'll use a secret chemical formula made of hydrogen and oxygen that when you use enough disables the flies. This chemical formula can be detrimental to some electrical devices [that ARE NOT covered by my insurance]. Price increase to cover the cost of the secret formula.

Exclusive Package; I, along with some friends will come and fumigate your house with Tetrahydrocannabinol. Massive price increase for all the Tetrahydrocannabinol we'll use.

Hope to hear from you soon.

*Non-Refundable