I like to pride myself on delivering information to other people to help them in these times of financial problems. I’ve previously tackled such problems as getting drunk for free and also shared knowledge to students on how to save money while at University. So now, as all hope seems lost I return with a new plan...
Apparently it’s never been harder for people aged 18-25 to get jobs, but I think I have the solution! So read my tips, I would like to mention that if you have problems with breaking the law stop reading now, because there’s nothing here for you!
OK, the first part of the plan is you have to start mugging people. I know this isn’t a new idea and it’s risky. But hear me out, although you’re already thinking; “Fuck you Ben, you fool I could have come up with this myself.” But my genius comes later on. So, anyway, start mugging people, get the usual stuff that people have on them; mobile phone, jewellery and car keys. Of course use some common sense here, make sure you pick your targets well. I prefer old people and young kids (not sexually – I know that’s what you were thinking, you pervert!), they’re easy targets and less likely to fight back.
Now comes the clever bit.
Now, as we all know it can be hard to sell on things that are stolen. You either have to sell them to people that fully understand that they are stolen so they are not willing to pay much or you have to try and convince the people that work in Cash Traders that you want to sell your mother’s wedding ring and your grandma’s pretty necklace. Which, form my personal experience is often unsuccessful.
So what are you going to do with these stolen goods?
Luckily for criminals life is getting easier, anyone that watches plenty of daytime TV (better known collectively as social-rejects) would have come adverts that tell you to go online, log on their website and then you send them certain items and they send you cash. So you take the goods you’ve stolen and start to follow these instructions;
- Well firstly send any stolen mobiles to www.mazumamobile.com, get a little cash from them.
- Sell any gold that you may have ‘required’ to www.cashmygold.co.uk.
- And if you were lucky enough to steal car keys and the car sell that to www.webuyanycar.com.
There’s no explaining, there’s no face to face shit, no need to lie. Nothing. Simple as that!
“But Ben, isn’t there a risk that one of these websites will eventually cotton on? Seeing as they’re sending me four or five cheques a week?” is what you should be thinking, if you are indeed a criminal mastermind. And I’m not going to lie to you, this could be a problem. But luckily there is a wide range of websites offering money for mobiles/gold, so a simple Google search will turn up an endless amount of websites willing to buy the shit that you kicked someone’s grandma in for!
But what next?
You can keep doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll ever make a load of money. But luckily I have plans for expanding. A website by the name of www.carspotter.co.uk now has a number (86007) that you can text the licence plates of cars to, they then tell you how much that car is worth. So what you do is walk down a street, or through a car park texting licence plate numbers to CarSpotter (on a stolen phone of course – before you send it to mazuma, you don’t want to use your credit) and wait to see which car costs the most according to CarSpotter, then you steal the car and get more money from www.webuyanycar.com, as their adverts states (about a 100 times) they buy any car. That’s any car; big, small, stolen or burnt out! They buy any car.
If none of this works for you, sell crack to kids!
Good luck.
Ben Broughton or The Misadventures of Ben Broughton is not responsible for any violence or jail time you may encounter if you follow these instructions.
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