Worst 10 Adverts Currently on TV

10) Country Life Butter – “John Lydon/Johnny Rotten”
It’s not that this advert is really that bad (when compared to the others on this list), it’s just that John Lydon is a fucking sell-out! Sid Vicious probably spins in his grave every time this fucking advert airs on TV. In the advert, John gets stuck on a country lane as sheep surround him. Fucking hilarious!! Throughout the ad, John asks; “Why do I buy Country Life Butter?” Because you’re a fucking tool John! That’s why you buy it.

9) Life Without Tobacco – “Pimp My Ride”
OK, I’ve been lucky enough to only see this advert once, which is good, but it’s also hard to rant about it seeing as my memory is shot to hell. But from what I can remember from the advert is that it is based on the popular MTV show “Pimp My Ride”. It’s all animated and there’s even a little fake wigger, that’s meant to be Tim Westwood, but looks more like Vanilla Ice, although the voice sounds like Westwood. I’m sure there’s a line like; “Check out my dog,” [shot of a guy smoking] “he looks healthy but let’s check under his hood” [cuts to cartoon image of the guys lungs]. Of course smoking is bad, we all know this. And trying to keep kids from smoking is important, but why are fucking buffoons creating the adverts? “Pimp My Ride” rip-off? Really? It’s not 2007 anymore and a cartoonish-type character based on Tim Westwood is about as appetising as a dog shit sandwich. He’s not cool, he’s not “down with the youth of today”. In fact if any teenagers like him, they should smoke, so they can get cancer and die. The advert tries to act as if stopping smoking is just done simply. Why can’t these fuckwits actually talk straight to kids and not patronise them with trying to be cool? Get me on a fucking Life Without Tobacco advert, I’d tell the kids some home truths.

8) Every Single “Lawyer/Solicitor” Advert
There’s too many to name, but you know the ones; “Had a trip or a fall at work? Car accident? Stubbed your toe? Want some free money?” and all that “No win, no fee” bullshit. They all follow the same path really, some talks to you asking if you’d be injured then they tell you that you can get money, then they roll out some ugly fuckers that go on to tell you how they made some money for being clumsy idiots. These lawyers should get the fuck off my TV and get back to chasing ambulances!

7) Oven Pride – “Even a Man Can Do It”
This sickening piece of shit features a scowling woman that makes Anne Robinson look like a happy-go-lucky kinda person. In this advert the wife passes some Oven Pride to her husband and he cleans the metal grills of the oven, dancing around like a gormless prick with a stupid grin on his face that makes him look like a fucking retard! The slogan; “Even a man can do it”, makes me want to beat up my wife, luckily for her, she non-existent.

6) MoonPig
In my original draft of this list, I was stupid enough to leave this advert from the Top 5, for this I apologise, but the thing with MoonPig now is that I’ve learned to live with it much like an unwanted step-dad or the wart on my balls. It’s one of those things I’ve got used to and forgotten how much I hated it, until reminded. The whole concept of MoonPig pisses me off. Creating a card online to get sent to your loved ones! They attempt to make the point that this makes birthday cards more personal, but surely not even writing in someone’s card is the least personal thing you can do! I sincerely hope that in the owner of MoonPig catches Swine Flu, it will be ironic justice.

5) confused.com
Now, the kings of shit adverts, seeing as they seem to have a new one every-fucking-time I switch the box on! So it’s hard to attack for that one reason. I can’t pick out certain people that piss me off because by the time you read this they’ll be gone and they’re be a new collection of cunts advertising confused.com. They’ll all be talking about how confused.com saved them money; Guy#1: “I saved £200 with confused.com”, Woman #2: “I saved £30 with confused.com”, Guy #2 “I saved 45p with confused.com” and so on and so on! I saved a man from drowning once; I don’t need to go on TV and fucking brag about it! But from watching the adverts it’s clear were confused.com save the most money ... in advertising. Everything’s shot on fucking webcams! Jesus, confused.com, get it to-fucking-gether. Why should I use a company that can’t even be bothered to put any effort into advertising their product properly!

4) Pot Noodle – “High School Musical Spoof”
When companies are clearly making their adverts awful on purpose you have to question their ever deteriorating mental state. Of course this advert is supposed to be ripping off Disney’s mind-numbingly, suicide-invoking, pile of shit films High School Musical(s), but making your advert shit on purpose should be illegal. The advert ends with “I love making Pot Noodle, more fun than throwing a poodle”, clearly these people have never thrown a poodle under a speeding double-decker bus, because that is fun, lots of fun, much more fun than pouring hot water into a plastic tub containing dried up noodles. I hate this advert so much that I’d rather watch all three High School Musicals back to back, than sit through this 30 second advert!

3) MoneySupermarket.com – “Peter Jones”
“In times like these we all need to save on our household bills...” says Peter Jones (the guy that sits on the far right on Dragons’ Den) at the beginning of this advert. And of course if a multi-millionaire is doing adverts for price comparison site, times must be hard. There’s another ad, in which he rides around on a supermarket trolley like the prick he is. The fucker is so rich he’s probably never encountered a shopping trolley before (seeing as he probably pays someone to shop for him) I think that the director of the advert had to point out how the whole thing works to the smug fucker.

2) Cuprinol – “Wood Preservation Society”
This advert starts with a bunch of smiley, cheerful gardeners appearing from a shed. As soon as that shed door opens, my stress levels shoot through the roof. Then the song starts and I attempt to strangle anyone in reach, just so their choking drowns out the singing, which is dreadful, cringe-worthy and probably the theme tune to an apocalypse, in my opinion. The best bit has to be were the old woman glosses her table and then watches it in the rain. It’s a shame she isn’t struck by lightening. I like to tell myself that because she’s been stood in the rain like a fucking muppet, she’s caught the flu and hopefully kicked the bucket by now, telling myself this really helps me sleep at night. At the end of the advert, they all return to the shed, to continue their AIDs infested orgy.

1) Curanail – “Criminail”
This advert is so terrible it makes me physically sick. I’m actually gagging now as I type this because I’m having to think about it. The actress in the advert has clearly spent a good 5-10 minutes in acting school. The whole concept of fungal-nail infected toes being criminals is mind-blowing and featuring a giant toe in the advert too? What the hell is going on in the world? We all know what toes look like, even Heather Mills, and she’s only got half as many of the rest of the population. We don’t need to see filthy, giant toes on our TV! Toes and feet are disgusting in my opinion that’s why we have socks and shoes, to hide them away from the rest of mankind. And the puns, in the advert! I’m getting angry just thinking about this fucking advert! The video of Ken Bigley getting decapitated is more enjoyable than this advert. Inserting a drill-bit into your japs-eye, then turning on the drill is more enjoyable than this advert. This advert makes being gang-raped seem pleasurable.