Mild Irritations (Volume Two)

People that Disrespect DVDs

DVDs are a great invention, without a shadow of a doubt. I have loads, as do most of my friends, I bet even you have some too. I love DVDs and I’m very proud of my collection, because I have an excellent taste in TV Shows, Stand-Up Comedy and Films. I have such a good taste that my friends, eager to be like me ask to borrow them from time to time, I gladly lend them to share this brilliant material. But this is where trouble can arise, because if my DVDs return with damage inflicted on them, I begin to get irate.

To damage someone’s DVD is much like spitting in their grandma’s face. You just don’t do it. It’s wrong, plain and simple. I have a friend back home that I used [along with other friends] used to lend DVDs too, yet this was a massive mistake. Upon going around to his house I would discover my DVDs scattered all over his room so even being used as drink coasters! DRINK COASTERS … people? What the fuck was he thinking? These were exceptional Films and Stand Up, it’s not like I lent him Twilight. This friend’s house later became known as ‘The DVD Graveyard; Where DVDs Go To Die’, although that didn’t really make sense looking back on it, people don’t go to graveyards to die. People go to graveyards when they’re already dead. It should have been; ‘The DVD Euthanasia Centre; Where DVDs Go To Die’.

I did the correct thing in this situation and demanded my DVDs back. Although at this point my temper had reached such a point that mere dialogue was no longer able to flow from my mouth and I could only express my needs [for my DVDs to be returned] by taking a baseball bat to his TV and shitting on his sofa.

But it’s not just people disrespecting my DVDs, if I see an individual remove their own DVD from the DVD Player and not put it in the correct case I look at them as if they’ve just put a cat in the microwave and started cackling at the sight of the cat’s bones deforming and it’s eyes oozing out of it’s skull.

Proper DVD etiquette is vital in this day and age. If we go around not putting DVDs in their correct cases or leaving them by the DVD player in no case at all, then the terrorists have won! Is that what you want? If you leave a DVD out of the case you are basically inviting Osama Bin Laden in to your house. Think about that the next time you watch a DVD.

Ashtrays for Ash

This one is simple, real simple. An ashtray, a simple ashtray has one primary use; it is for ash and cigarettes nubs [or butts, as some people call them]. That’s it, nothing more, nothing less.

An ashtray is not for the plastic film that is wrapped around a new packet of cigarettes. So don’t open a new packet and drop the plastic film into the ashtray because when I go to flick my ash into the ashtray [the primary use of an ASHtray] I don’t want that plastic film melting onto my cigarette. My lungs are already taking a beating from the tar; I don’t want to inhale burning plastic film too.

Upon finishing a packet of cigarettes do not scrunch up the packet and throw it into the ashtray. An ashtray is not a mini bin. I repeat; an ashtray IS NOT a mini bin. A scrunched up cigarette packet takes up most of the space in an ashtray leaving it difficult for the ashtray to act out its primary use. Also, don’t put unused Rizla papers in an ashtray either; they just burn when they come into contact with the cherry of a cigarette. I smoke to inhale burning tobacco, not burning paper.

Other things that shouldn’t be put in an ashtray; used lighters, chewing gum, bits of beer mats, tissue, used condoms, dead pets, baby teeth, jumbo jets … basically nothing other than ash (from a cigarette or joint – don’t try tipping your cremated uncle in an ashtray, I will act violently), cigarette nubs and maybe a used match, but that’s it. Got it? Good!

People that Drink MY BEER

Belittle my culture. Chastise my political views. Denounce my beliefs. Criticize my work. Demean my dress sense. Rubbish my taste in music. Degrade my entire way of life. Condemn my religion. Shag my girlfriend. Slap my mum. Kick my dog. Key my car. Rob my house. Take my life.

But under no circumstances drink my beer.

That’s all I have to say on that topic, no rant needed.