12 Hates of Xmas [Part 1]

It's that time of year again, not only is Christmas quickly sneaking up on us like a randy rapist but it's time for yet another Blog about why I hate Christmas. I have before taken upon myself to explain how Christmas is a now a Capitalist-driven celebration. This time I've compiled a list of 12 things I hate, it's a not-so-clever play on the 12 Days of Christmas.

1) Christmas Songs
“I wish it could be Christmas everydaayyyyyyyyyy!” - Roy Wood, Wizzard
“I wish Christmas songs would fuck off!” - Ben Broughton, Cunt

2) Carol Singers
Luckily this isn't something I have experienced many times in my life. You could say I've had good fortune when it comes to Carol Singers, until I explain that this 'good fortune' comes about because of a bad fortune; where I live. I tend not to live in what the majority of people would call a 'nice area', which is extremely beneficial when it comes to avoiding Carol Singers as they avoid the street I live on in fear of being stabbed in the throat with a syringe by some smack-head. That means the smack-head has less victims to choose from, that in turn is bad for me, as I may now get stabbed. It's all swings and roundabouts.

Carol Singers are basically beggars, that attempt to torture you into giving them money just so they'll get off your property. Not only that, but as I have just started I hate Christmas songs, this includes carols, and when I'm in the solitude of my own home I can avoid these songs until some tone deaf shit stains appear on my door step.

3) Shopping
The most important part of Christmas, despite what those deluded Christians may think. Shopping is hell anyway, but doing it around this time of year is worse. Stores and shopping centres are like a cross between a mosh pit and a cattle market. I'd advise anyone attempting to go shopping to wear a full body protect – American football style – and just charge your way through the crowds.

4) Wrapping Gifts
I hate wrapping paper. It is the most pointless creation that human kind ever dreamt up. Eventually almost everything ends up in the bin, but wrapping paper is destined for the bin as soon as it is purchased. Yeah, it'll cling to a gift for a while but once Christmas day rolls around it's in the bin and forgotten about, pointless. My girlfriend was upset this year upon discovering that I have wrapped her gifts in the same wrapping paper I used for her birthday gifts. Apparently it “shows I don't care”. But in my eyes it shows I do care about the environment and my financial situation – it was smart of me to save that wrapping paper, as it was very expensive [bought it from WHSmiths the morning of my girlfriend's birthday, as she slept; I'm boyfriend of the year material].

5) 'Time Off' Work
People often look forward to work because they will be receiving time off of work, this must be some sort of hang-up from school days, as most jobs these days don't receive much time off. For example anyone working in retail, pubs, restaurants, cinema … basically any job dealing with the public will probably only have Christmas day off and maybe Boxing day if they are lucky. I'm on of these people. A lot of companies will rearrange your hours too, so it Christmas falls on a day you're supposed to work, you'll work another day instead. Christmas is stressful, you need more than one poxy day off.

6) Christmas Films
Christmas films are shit. Show me a good Christmas film and I'll show you a person that has terrible taste in films. But every-year some family member will make a destined-to-fail attempt at gathering everyone around the idiot box to watch Home Alone 67 or Santa Claus: The Movie for the millionth time. This will, of course, always lead to a fist fight – my grandma got put in a coma last year, but to be fair my brother did warn her twice! Christmas films always end on a happy note, which is a total contradiction to what is taking place in most homes, because while we love our families we hate being forced to spend time with them.

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Update: [03 Jan 2011] I did intend to come with a Part 2 to this, detailing numbers 7-12, but as time ran out, I can no longer be arsed. I have the list but not in order and no reasons, so I may aswell save it until Xmas 2011, plenty of time for me to put it off until 24th Dec 2011.

X-Cuses, X-Cuses

I don't like ITV's popular television show The X-Factor. To me it's a glorified karaoke contest that only exists to draw in millions of mindless drones to call premium rate phone-lines to vote for which pathetic cretin they prefer.

Yet while the show itself is easy to avoid like a decrepit blind-man begging in the street the popularity of it and even more the 'controversy' surrounding it, isn't [easy to avoid]. It's splashed across the tabloid pages on a daily basis like a young teens jizzum (in this metaphor the young teen is unable to acquire real porn so his only porn outlet is Page 3 Girls – the metaphor works, I just have to explain it, therefore it doesn't). And people claim it's a fix, which gives clever newspaper editors the chance to use the shows “X” logo in the word 'fix' – they do this at any chance they can when a story relates to The X-Factor. I've seen it some many times I was even tempted to create a my own tabloid style headline for this post, incorporating the “X” into 'X-Cuses, X-Cuses'.

I obviously have something to say about this whole thing or I wouldn't have spent any of my precious time wasting time here. So here I go... The X-Factor is not a fix. Well not how you possibly think it is.

Firstly, people think that somehow the phone votes could not be counted correctly. That is absolutely fucking stupid. The X-Factor is probably ITV's biggest shows and after last years [I think it was last year] controversy surrounding numerous ITV shows relating to phone-in competitions, ITV would never risk the chance of that happening again. It would damage The X-Factor's reputation to a point were it wouldn't be able to recover. I wish that would happen, but sadly I think a few people up at ITV may have a couple of braincells to rub together to prevent such actions taking place as a way to save such a big money earner.

Secondly, when will ex-X-contestants [lol] stop complaining to newspapers once they've left the show? As I write this [Tuesday 7^th December 2010], the latest loser Big Fat Old Woman is on front of The Mirror claiming she was kicked off because it was a fix. Don't be a fucking sore loser Big Fat Old Woman! Just take the rejection, you're big, fat and ugly, you must be used to receiving rejection by now. Plus, how two-faced of you to claim such a thing? If it wasn't for the very show you are now slagging off you'd still be working at Tesco. Biting the hand that feeds you exposes you as the ungrateful bitch you are.

Thirdly, lots of people are wondering why Big Fat Foreign Weirdo managed to stay in the competition so long. It must have been a fix for that colossal fuck-tard to remain in for so long. There's a simple explanation to this; people voted for him. I know, it's a real shocker! Although the people that voted for him are probably those that feel disenfranchised by the Simon Cowell-driven tripe that is pumped into our televisions at a never-ending pace. The truth is, lots of people are starting to turn on The X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent and the puppets they produce. Rage Against the Machine having the Christmas number one last year is proof of that. People probably voted for Big Fat Foreign Weirdo in an attempt to highlight the fact that these shows are nothing more than a popularity contest. I personally wish he had won just so loyal followers of the show started to take note that it has ran it course.

Fourthly, will people get this idea out of their heads that the judges are always fighting amongst themselves. Please people! Do you think they really give a shit if their act wins in the end? Win, loose or draw, they are all laughing all the way to the bank. I'm tired of seeing headlines claiming that it's all war backstage. I highly doubt it. They're probably not BBFs, but they're definitely not enemies like newspapers and women's magazines claim.

Lastly, if The X-Factor was/is fixed, it'd be in a much simpler way. You see all reality show 'stars' are made or broken by one thing, it's not talent, it's editing. Editing the vital tool that makes or breaks careers in reality shows. That's why most people won Big Brother or I'm a Celebrity... because these shows are edited then presented to the public to consume. You see what they want you to see, you believe what they want you to believe, you vote for who they want you to vote for. These people didn't get themselves where they are today by mistake, they know how to manipulate the general public into buying into a singer using the media at their disposal, that's the only way The X-Factor could possibly be fixed, in my opinion.

Did You Know...? Vol. 1

In my years on this Earth I have accumulated knowledge as if it was knowledge was a liquid and my mind was a sponge.

… although Hitler was behind the death of so many Jews, he himself kept Kosher.

… the energy drink Red Bull gets it's name from a Native American ritual of drinking a bull's urine (that is naturally red/pink in colour). It was believed to give individuals more energy.

… media tycoon Rupert Murdoch was born with both male and female genitalia.

… French people share 54.8% of their DNA with sausages.

… if an individual sneezes more than 13 times (on average) in a row, the effect it has on the body will cause the bowels and bladder to empty.

… left-handed people are twice as likely to get struck by lightening.

… 500 paracetamol contain the same amount of alcohol as a litre of Vodka.

… no Egyptian has ever died of cancer.

… Chinese citizens that speak Cantonese rather than Mandarin are more likely to open a Chinese takeaway in London, while in Liverpool it is the other way around.

… a Plymouth man once left a six pack of eggs in his fridge then he went on a two week holiday, he returned home to discover five ostriches and a lizard in his fridge, he sued the egg company for the price of his (now) broken fridge and it's contents (eaten by the birds and lizard).

… ink meant for PC Printers can be used to run your car, but only if your car's original paint colour was black or cyan.

… in his will Michael Jackson left a collection of his own toenails to close friend David Guest.

… recently a pubic hair that was believed to belong to the Queen sold for £25,000 on eBay, it was later discovered that the hair actually belonged to Princess Diana's favourite cat, the price of it has since increased to £200,000.

… the world record for most wanks in a day (24 hours) is currently set at 586, although the record holder snapped his banjo on the 426^th attempt.

… ghosts are real.

… when identical twins are born, the one that is born first is most likely to achieve more in life, while the other is more likely to become a dictator.

… there never was a Vietnamese War, it was just a prank that got very out of hand.

… Africa is a country not a continent.

… all English sterling coins will have to be enlarged by 65% when Prince Charles becomes King to accommodate enough room for his nose.

… the illegal drug crystal meth is naturally present in the stomach lining of robins and crows.

… the popular ITV day-time TV show Loose Women, was sued by a pornographer after the show had the same title of one of his films that was dedicated to porn-actresses with huge gaping vaginas. ITV settled out of court.

… on average the amount of blood a woman looses in her life due to periods could fill 500 swimming pools.

… Kim Jong-il is North Korea's raining badminton champion and has been for the last 16 years.

… Turkey's were created when a mad scientist crossed a chicken with a gorilla.

… as a youth Robert Mugabe was a popular dance hall DJ in Birmingham.

… a zoo in Germany has been using plastic surgery on male pandas by enlarging their penises in an attempt to aid them in mating. So far it has been a success.

… it is illegal to have sex in cupboard in Wales.

… a great white shark can live out of the ocean, on dry land for up to four days.