It's that time of year again, not only is Christmas quickly sneaking up on us like a randy rapist but it's time for yet another Blog about why I hate Christmas. I have before taken upon myself to explain how Christmas is a now a Capitalist-driven celebration. This time I've compiled a list of 12 things I hate, it's a not-so-clever play on the 12 Days of Christmas.
1) Christmas Songs
“I wish it could be Christmas everydaayyyyyyyyyy!” - Roy Wood, Wizzard
“I wish Christmas songs would fuck off!” - Ben Broughton, Cunt
2) Carol Singers
Luckily this isn't something I have experienced many times in my life. You could say I've had good fortune when it comes to Carol Singers, until I explain that this 'good fortune' comes about because of a bad fortune; where I live. I tend not to live in what the majority of people would call a 'nice area', which is extremely beneficial when it comes to avoiding Carol Singers as they avoid the street I live on in fear of being stabbed in the throat with a syringe by some smack-head. That means the smack-head has less victims to choose from, that in turn is bad for me, as I may now get stabbed. It's all swings and roundabouts.
Carol Singers are basically beggars, that attempt to torture you into giving them money just so they'll get off your property. Not only that, but as I have just started I hate Christmas songs, this includes carols, and when I'm in the solitude of my own home I can avoid these songs until some tone deaf shit stains appear on my door step.
3) Shopping
The most important part of Christmas, despite what those deluded Christians may think. Shopping is hell anyway, but doing it around this time of year is worse. Stores and shopping centres are like a cross between a mosh pit and a cattle market. I'd advise anyone attempting to go shopping to wear a full body protect – American football style – and just charge your way through the crowds.
4) Wrapping Gifts
I hate wrapping paper. It is the most pointless creation that human kind ever dreamt up. Eventually almost everything ends up in the bin, but wrapping paper is destined for the bin as soon as it is purchased. Yeah, it'll cling to a gift for a while but once Christmas day rolls around it's in the bin and forgotten about, pointless. My girlfriend was upset this year upon discovering that I have wrapped her gifts in the same wrapping paper I used for her birthday gifts. Apparently it “shows I don't care”. But in my eyes it shows I do care about the environment and my financial situation – it was smart of me to save that wrapping paper, as it was very expensive [bought it from WHSmiths the morning of my girlfriend's birthday, as she slept; I'm boyfriend of the year material].
5) 'Time Off' Work
People often look forward to work because they will be receiving time off of work, this must be some sort of hang-up from school days, as most jobs these days don't receive much time off. For example anyone working in retail, pubs, restaurants, cinema … basically any job dealing with the public will probably only have Christmas day off and maybe Boxing day if they are lucky. I'm on of these people. A lot of companies will rearrange your hours too, so it Christmas falls on a day you're supposed to work, you'll work another day instead. Christmas is stressful, you need more than one poxy day off.
6) Christmas Films
Christmas films are shit. Show me a good Christmas film and I'll show you a person that has terrible taste in films. But every-year some family member will make a destined-to-fail attempt at gathering everyone around the idiot box to watch Home Alone 67 or Santa Claus: The Movie for the millionth time. This will, of course, always lead to a fist fight – my grandma got put in a coma last year, but to be fair my brother did warn her twice! Christmas films always end on a happy note, which is a total contradiction to what is taking place in most homes, because while we love our families we hate being forced to spend time with them.
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Update: [03 Jan 2011] I did intend to come with a Part 2 to this, detailing numbers 7-12, but as time ran out, I can no longer be arsed. I have the list but not in order and no reasons, so I may aswell save it until Xmas 2011, plenty of time for me to put it off until 24th Dec 2011.
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