Oak Furniture Land Customer Complaint

To whom it may concern,
Hello, although I've never purchased anything from your company before, I often frequent your store with fellow family members. As I'm in decent enough shape to help the majority of my decrepit family members – Hey, I suppose I'm just a decent guy.

My major concern with your business is your employees. I acknowledge that installing a strong sense of customer service is vital, I myself have spent many years in retail and understand continuing to deliver high standards is extremely difficult, so sometimes I'll allow a slip up here or there, but the level of outlandish stupidity on the part of some of your staff verges on totally inexcusable.

The first example of terrible customer service happened when I was in store with my uncle, he was after a new dining table and chairs. We had been viewing for a while and had noticed two of your employees; both male; one young skinny and an elder gentleman slightly more rotund simply talking amongst themselves and being of no help whatsoever. My uncle had a couple of questions about a dining set, so he approached the younger gentleman, and before he could grab his attention, the young man spouted out; “Gold for the price of silver” in a pirate voice while having his right hand in the shape of a 'hook'. Obviously my uncle took great offence to this as he's missing his right hand. He lost it in a freak accident as a youth has been bombarded with pirate jokes for a large potion of his life. Clearly your staff think it's totally acceptable to notice a disabled customer and make jokes about it as that customer walks around your store. This is absolutely despicable. What does this employee do on his break; flatten the tyres of cars parked in the blue badge spots out front?

Obviously, at this point, we left the store.

I returned to your store begrudgingly with my younger sister as she was after a closet. The two gentlemen from before were once again working, I had told her we would be better off finding other members of staff to help deal with her needs but she was adamant they help her. So I simply left her to it and watched on... in amazement. Your two employees simply played a little cat and mouse game around the closet; knocking on it and alluding to the fact that someone's inside it, obviously by this point we didn't know my sister was a lesbian, she only came out the next day... in her suicide letter. Clearly pushed over the edge by your employees tormenting her sexuality. This is despicable, luckily it was my least favourite sister, but I'm still quite torn up about it. 

Your two employees come take a break from insulting customers and chat about how great UKIP is [probably].

 

Just recently, despite my best efforts to encourage him to go to IKEA, my granddad wanted to visit your store – luckily for you he's a massive racist. And to my surprise I still see you have this double act still on your payroll. Due to my past encounters with them I simply tried to avoid them and did quite successfully until I lost my granddad. The store was busy and he was tired so he was having a sit down to recharge his batteries. By the time I found him, the elder employee was pulling at his beard. Look, I don't want to blow this out of proportion but that's physical assault on an OAP! That's unjust in normal society not only when you are at work! You can't employ people that lay their hands on your customers, that's simply a fact of working in retail! I'm calling for the gentleman in question to be fired, immediately!

I understand in a world that many think “political correctness” has “gone mad”, but your staff have managed to offend paraplegics, homosexuals and the elderly, I'll be sure to ring the store ahead of time if I ever have to visit with a friend of non-White ethnicity so you can knock up a few burning oak wood crucifixes and construct some Klan outfits in time.

Good luck peddling your over-priced wood to able-bodied, straight, middle-aged people.

Irking Me Off; #2 The Clarkson Problem

I know I'm a little late off the mark with this one, but I don't have to justify myself to you, so piss off.

I'm not going to sugar-coat this; I fucking hate Jeremy Clarkson, in my eyes he's a Daily Mail reader's wet-dream; a middle-class throwback that thinks spouting xenophobic rhetoric is funny... basically he's a typical Cracker-ass Honky. Along with being a Grade-A Cunt.

Obviously like most people my age I mainly know Clarkson from Top Gear. I don't like Top Gear because I don't have much of an invested interest in cars and even if I did, I still wouldn't like Top Gear. To me, the show seemed like a front for three immature grown men to act like children under the disguise of an informative program about motor vehicles. Hey, but I'm not a car guy, so what do I know? That's right; nothing about cars, but a lot more about decent television. But I'll give the man his due he really cornered the market on obnoxious cunts presenting television shows on motors. Kudos, you cunt, kudos.

Now, although I had this disdain for Jeremy, he never really bothered me, I stayed clear of Top Gear and would put up with him when he appeared on the likes of QI. It was a decent set-up we had working until he went and did something stupid and physically assaulted a producer and after that I couldn't escape the cunt like a baby trapped in the womb.

EVERYONE was talking about him. His face was all over the newspapers and not for a good reason like him dying in a high-speed car accident. And I began to feel like one of those ridiculously priced cars he trails... as I was driven crazy! [Fuck off! You try and write car gags without knowing anything about cars!]

People were debating this issue endlessly.
“Would he lose his job?”

“Will the BBC end Top Gear?”
“What will May and that other fucking cretin do without their Messiah?”

And as this whole debate was up in the air, people were signing a petition online to get him reinstated. Now this is something that really irks me, yes, people have the free will to do such a thing, but guess what; it doesn't matter in the end. Not in a case like this. Online petitions are good most of the time, but this one was totally devoid of meaning.

It's not up to the public to make this decision, that falls on Clarkson's bosses. Not the public. Just because the guy is extremely popular doesn't give him free range to do whatever he pleases. He's been on thin ice numerous times before due to borderline racist incidents and always managed to skate away unscathed, but at what point do you keep letting someone off just because they're a big star?

I saw a lot of social media updates along the lines of; “BBC used to cover-up child molestation but Clarkson in trouble for only hitting someone”. What the fuck is wrong with you people? So what? You want the BBC to cover something like this up when it's someone you like, but not if it's someone you don't like? Because Jimmy and Rolf, were as popular as Clarkson back in the day! Or is this down to the actual 'crime'? So punching a producer in the face is OK, but sexually abusing children isn't? [Look I know which is worse, but you can't simply draw a line and pick and choose.] What if Clarkson had molested a child? Would there still be a petition because what else can petrol-heads watch on a Sunday with Clarkson and his two shadows?

The whole concept of this argument is ridiculous. Yes, as stories of sexual abuse that happened years ago come to light it paints the BBC in an extremely bad light... so what should they do? Punish employee's that step out of line, and Clarkson's had enough chances. Fuck him.

I also come into contact with individuals commenting on how supporting James May and Richard Hammond were towards Jeremy. People mentioned they wouldn't do the show without him... well obviously, those two peons owe their success to Clarkson, they'll ride his coat-tails into retirement. I was once in Waterstones and saw a book Richard Hammond had released; the cover featured a large picture of his face and a little tag-line; “The Funny Guy from TOP GEAR... Includes stickers inside so you can make Richard look as funny as you want”. And there were little stickers that you could add on to the cover to make Hammond look as ridiculous as you wanted... so I stuck the sticker of Clarkson's penis over Hammond's mouth and put it back on the shelf. I don't have any real beef with May, he actually seems like a nice guy, but seeing as he doesn't have the moral integrity to step out of Jeremy's shadow; fuck him too.

Then 'celebrities' started to share their opinions. Rupert Murdoch said something along the lines of the BBC would be idiots to get rid of Clarkson. To me that's a massive vote of confidence for the Beeb, because when the most evil man in the world is suggesting you shouldn't do something, you should definitely do it. Then our very own Prime Minister [aka the 2^nd most evil man in the world] came out and said his daughter had gone on a hunger strike until Jeremy was reinstated. I hope the bitch starved to death for her father's part in trying to sway public opinion in a matter that only concerns him because his friend is involved [this is also the only time a Tory has been involved in any kind of striking action]. Seeing as he's technically employed by us, I shall punch him in the face next time I see him as he clearly thinks that an acceptable way to act.

This is what it comes down to; Clarkson did something wrong; he verbally attacked a producer for around twenty minutes and then punched him in the face... why? Because there wasn't any hot food available at a hotel – download the JustEat app, Jeremy! Yet in the majority of public opinion the producer was in the wrong... that's so infuriatingly stupid I want to punch myself in the face repeatedly under I've lost enough braincells to fathom it but if I did that I could end up liking Top Gear. He had to get sacked from the BBC. It's not as if that's the end for him, he has a following, he has a brand, he has his little two minions by his side and hopefully he also has inoperable cancer.

So it'll all work out for him in the end.

But I hope it doesn't.

A Somewhat Review of Simpsorama

I've always been a huge fan of both The Simpsons and Futurama, so upon hearing that they'd finally crossover on the television screen I got so excited I postponed my suicide.

Despite my blind bias towards America's original dysfunctional family, I'm a realist, I understand that the show's golden age has passed on like Maud Flanders, but every once in a while they muster up something worthy, most recently it was probably the Lego episode [season 25 episode 20; “Brick Like Me”]. But even with all the ingredients for a classic sometimes The Simpsons just doesn't deliver, but I so wanted this episode to work. Obviously I miss Futurama, I've never understood the neglect this show receives from television execs, whether it's at Fox or Comedy Central, so having Fry and the gang back on TV would be a treat in itself. 

Homer and Bender after filming "Simpsorama"

 

From the opening tag-line; “A show out of ideas teams up with a show out of Episodes”, you get the impression there's going to be plenty of self-deprecating humour over the next twenty odd minutes or so.

The storyline of the episode is as follows; Springfield Elementary students add some items to a time capsule; CCTV photo of Nelson's dad, Milhouse's lucky rabbit foot and Bart's self-tainted sandwich, it then gets dropped in a hole, accidentally mixes with some nuclear goo from the power plant and one thousand years later it's opened only to reveal some nasty rabbits that terrorise New New York, so Bender is sent back in time to stop this from happening. Nothing ground-breaking but as the tag-line clearly stated, this is 'a show out of ideas'.

One aspect of the show I liked is it really is a celebration of Matt Groening's work. We even get the treat of seeing Binky and Bongo [from Groening's Life is Hell] as they are featured on a televised news report in New New York scribing “Crossovers are Hell” on a wall. They're the kind of nerdy gems I take massive pride in spotting like the Groening little fan boy I am.

I loved the self-deprecating humour too, from Bart and Lisa drawing out the similarities of Homer and Bender and they way they are drawn, to Bart's “I'm doing the same jokes a thousand years in the future... Ay Caramba!”

All in all the episode is a celebration of two tremendous shows; Bender wearing a Pin Pals bowling shirt, Bender's chest-door revealing a 'Suicide Booth'-style of weapons, [Fry's dog] Seymour waiting for him outside Panucci's Pizza, Bart's 'offspring' graffiti-ing “Skinner is a Wiener”, Canyonero advert, the Planet Express 'girly' calender [featuring Professor Fransworth as a woman], Lisa's saxophone inspired holophonor and of course Butterfinger bars get a mention too. All these little winks and nods to previous and much funnier times add a somewhat charm to the show and let you know this wasn't just a slap-dash affair.

The end credits are a bombardment on the eyes as we see billboard adverts, buildings and much more featuring brands and characters from The Simpsons in a Futurama world; An Alien Lard Lad Donuts, Buzz Cola; With Cocaine Again Advert, A flying Blinky the Fish,
Re-Elect Major Quimby [with his head in a jar] Advert, Duff Holo-Beer; All the rage but none of the calories Advert, The Androids Penthouse Advert, Milhouse of ill repute, Kang and Kodos 8 Testicle Massage, Stonecutter's World HQ, Frinkatories, Prof. Frink's Carbon Dating Service, Moe's Unfriendly Bar; No Humans or No Robots and there's probably some more that I missed.

Obviously, there's a that thin line between love and hate, so there are aspects of the episode that didn't sit right with me.

Certain character interactions could have been better; Leela/Marge, Frink/Farnsworth. Plus there wasn't nearly enough Fry for my liking, strange as he's basically the main character of Futurama. But I understand the pairing of Homer and Bender makes much more sense.

But by far the lowest point was Zoidberg; the Planet Express in house medical 'expert' only got one line! One fucking line! “Hello Roburt, looks like everyone gets a turn to say something... this concludes my turn.” … and that was it. Amy, Scruffy, Emperor Lrrr and the Hypnotoad [all hail him!] got more screen time than the beloved doctor. Surely they could have spared ten seconds somewhere for at least a scene in which his scuttles off while giving out his signature cry. This was probably the biggest travesty of all, Zoidberg is probably one of the top three characters on Futurama so more of him is always a good thing.

Also it didn't seem like there was enough time, or maybe I'm saying that because I didn't want it to end. It's a shame the Family Guy crossover was awarded as being double episode worthy while the Futurama one felt crammed into it's twenty-one minutes. Due to this it seemed a little rushed at times or maybe I just didn't want it to end.

So all in all, a good episode, it doesn't quite reach classic status in my eyes and making it longer with more Zoidberg probably could have achieved that, but much better than most of the recent episodes. But don't take my word for it, I'm bias as fuck, I'd have still said it was good if was twenty-one minutes of Amy, Scruffy, Milhouse and Martin playing tiddlywinks with zero dialogue.

The Walking Dead; Season Five Finale Predictions

OK, so it is upon us; The Walking Dead season five finale looms around the corner like a roamer you never knew was there until it takes a hefty chunk of your face off, or something along those lines.

Now, my fan-boy-ish-ness for TWD is no secret, this is my second post about the show in a row and it's basically only a matter of time before this entire Blog becomes The Misadventures of a TWD Geek – although with Game of Thrones vastly approaching I'll probably be on that bandwagon next month. I'm fickle. But these are my predictions for the final episode of the season.

***Possible Spoilers***

Predictions

Major Character Death:
Look it's the finale and in the immortal words of Notorious B.I.G.; “Somebody Got To Die”. It's likely a few characters will shuffle off their mortal coil before the credits roll, but one of them has to be a key player within the show, it just has to happen.

There's fear that fan favourite Daryl Dixon will soon be having a family reunion with brother Merle, but as the most popular character I think it would be a foolish mistake to kill off the most original character the TV show has spawned.

So my prediction is that Carol will be the one 'looking at flowers' before the season ends.

The way I see it is that since arriving at Alexandria; Rick and Carol have been vocal about their mistrust of the people inside the Safe-Zone and their actions and are basically on the cusp of a coup. While the other members of their ragtag crew have entered Alexandria and quickly arose to powerful positions in a democratic fashion; Maggie [Deanna's aid], Abraham [leading the construction team], Glenn [taking charge of runs], Sasha [constant look out], Daryl [now teaming up with Aaron], even Rick himself was outright given an important role within the community – along with Michonne – but that's not enough for him.

So why should Carol die?

Carol is the embodiment of Rick's unwillingness to budge his strong-handed techniques. Oh, they think Pete's beating his wife... he must be killed. If it wasn't for Carol sharing the views of Rick, he may have taken note from his other friends and simply fallen in line with those in Alexandria and more than likely took control diplomatically. I mean his 'window theory' literally went out the window... with Pete.

Carol almost seems as if she's too far gone. I've seen a few comments online likening Rick to The Governor, but it's Carol that shares his excellent trait of putting on a fake demeanour for the public while underneath it all beats the heart of a cold blooded psychopath that would tie a child to a tree and let the 'monsters' feast upon him. Yet in episode 15 [“Try”] we see that this has been done [likely by the shows next villains].

Mainly I want to see Carol go, so I don't get confused when Rick screams his son's name.... “CORAL!!!”

I think Pete will probably beat her to death. Pete = wife beater. Carol = battered wife. Makes sense to me.

Morgan:

Morgan has been teased a few times this season and if it doesn't culminate in him entering the cast for real, I fail to see the entire point of it.

Obviously, I've spoken at length of the roles of African American males within the show and following my theory we've been left with a gap that needs filling - after the revolving door of black actors entering as one leaves came around again - with Noah dying... in a revolving door of all things. So this would be the opportune moment for Morgan to finally enter the show properly. Plus Father Gabriel... or as I now refer to him; 'T-Dog-collar'... is a return to the boring black male bit-parts from the first three seasons, we need a strong African American character back in the show ASAP.

And what's going off in ASZ regarding black folk? Where they turned away up until Rick's group rocked up, because that place seems to be full of white folk. Where the fuck is Heath?

Rumours online;

1) The first rumour is Morgan is the man marking zombies with the 'W' on the forehead, it's an upside down 'M'... apparently. I don't buy this at all. These 'M' walkers have been around Alexandria since about the time Rick arrived, it'd be impossible for walkers that had come in contact with Morgan to have caught up with them already.

2) Morgan is already dead! I know, it's a shocker, but some TWD fans are claiming we could have already seen Morgan's limbs decapitated in an earlier episode this season [episode 9; “What Happened and What's Going On”]. I've seen the evidence, but I don't buy into it. If it is true it'd be a shame a character some fans have been yearning for dies off screen.

Now Rick seems to be teetering on the edge of sanity [again], it'd be nice to see Morgan come into the fold and calm Rick down.

Attack on Alexandria:

This has to happen.

Since their arrival Rick has been constantly telling Deanna and co. they aren't safe from the people on the outside and although he seems a little unhinged lately, it's time for Grimes to be proven right and Deanna to get her comeuppance.

Drawing from the comics and other people's views online I'm firmly in the 'Wolves' camp.

In the mid-season return [“What Happened and What's Going On”], we discover that Noah's community has been totally ran-sacked by a group. In the background is some graffiti;

Not saying it's obvious, but it is written on the wall for you.

This could just be nothing, but I think the foreshadowing in this season has been extremely good; Rick tells Gareth how he's going to kill him, Rick's window theory-throwing Pete through the window, Carol's threat to Jesse's son-Daryl and Aaron find a woman tied to a tree as zombie bait; once the finale airs I'm looking forward to going back and seeing if I can spot any others.

Around this time in the comic we are introduced to a gang [The Scavengers] that live on the road looting any other camps they come across. When they finally appear in the comic the leader gets the attention of the Alexandria population and when Officer Rick Grimes approaches the gate, the leader says;

I just said it was obvious in the last picture's caption, Derek!

Now, even a child could tell you what kind of animal what have that dialogue.

I also think this is the group carving W's into the foreheads of zombies, it's just the type of thing a hardened group of reprobates would do in an apocalypse.

In episode 15 [“Try”], there's a red balloon that features a couple of times. When Rick and Pete are exchanging blows, the balloon is released. I think this could be the signal that the Wolves have been waiting for. It's safe to say they're in the area; Daryl and Aaron seem to be close to them, so it's not unimaginable that one of them would spot a red balloon floating away.

Nicholas Will Die

“Who the fuck is Nicholas?” is probably what you're asking.

He's the snivelling piece of shit that got Noah killed and didn't even want to try and save his mate... and he also wanted to leave Glenn behind. These are all valid reason as to why he should die.

Due to him having a gun stashed I can picture him attempting to kill [or maybe even killing] a member of Rick's group. Although he's such an idiot he'll probably shoot someone else. Them a someone [likely/hopefully Glenn] will beat him to death.

Pete Pleads

Now we all want to see that wife-beating son-of-a-bitch get what he deserves, but he seems like the type of weasel that'd try anything to stay alive. I think that anything will be Tara. We haven't seen her since she was involved in that explosion but we assume she's in a bad way and low and behold Pete's a surgeon.

I could easily see some dialogue being; “If I die, she [Tara] dies [without my help].”

So they're my predictions. One of them has to be correct, I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Although my last prediction is that the episode will be great, this season has been extremely good, could even be the best yet and hopefully the finale will be the cherry on top.

The Walking Dead; Black Guy Theory

aka

The Hypothesis of Ethnic Cleansing the African American Male in AMC's [2^nd] Greatest Television Show Ever

Prelude

If you don't know what The Walking Dead is, where the fuck have you been? It's the story of Rick Grimes [played by Simon Casey from Teachers]; a cop trying to keep his family and friends together in the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse. A quite-popular and extremely-good comic that became an extremely-popular and quite-good TV show.

Warning

If you are not up to date with the television show, be warned that there are SPOILERS ahead. I also draw on knowledge of the comics, so there could also be SPOILERS from that too. You've been warned.

Introduction

Let's kick things off by stating I love The Walking Dead, love it. Love the TV show, love the comics, love the novels, love playing my TWD edition of Monopoly, love TWD PS3 game, love TWD Assault iPhone game.

It's far from the best show on TV, I could probably list a great deal of TV shows that are better written, better directed and more well rounded than TWD, but I don't love them as much. But there's a thin line between love and hate, so it's easy to pick up on aspects of the television series that slightly annoy me, but as we are over midway through the fifth season, I've decided to present my theory on The Walking Dead... the Black Guy Theory.

I feel I'm probably best to relay this theory as I'm practically a black guy without the correct skin pigment, so here it is; The Walking Dead; Black Guy Theory; One in One out.

Evidence

In episode two of season one [“Guts”], we are introduced to Theodore Douglas, our first major role African American character. Better known as 'T-Dog', and that woefully poor nickname was basically all the character development the guy got. Apparently he was only supposed to be in three episodes, but he stuck around and did “things and stuff” way before Rick Grimes made it cool. By season two T-Dog was pretty much a background feature, in fact I think Hershel's Barn got more camera time. In fact by this point, I even reckon the character had got so boring that even the writers kept forgetting to kill him off. But before season three there was word that that Tea-Dawg was going to play more of a role in the group and IronE Singleton might get some actual dialogue on his copy of the script instead of crudely drawn pictures of the faces he should be pulling while stood in the background. There was even speculation aspects of Tyreese's character [from the comic] maybe incorporated into T-Dog. But instead episode four of season three [“Killer Within”] T-Dog gets sent to the kennel in the sky.

But before Theodore Douglas got caught in that Zombie eat [T-]Dog world, we were introduced to the prisoners in episode one of season three [“Seed”]. The group of prisoners as a whole didn't really last too long due to conflicts with Rick's group, but one that did was Oscar, my second case-study. Oscar, like T-Dog before him was a creation for the TV show, neither of them feature in the comics, so the dullness of them both falls heavily on the shoulders of the TV writers. Oscar soon moved into T-Dog's spot; follow and keep your mouth shut [within Rick's group] and looked as if he be taking up the role of 'token black guy' … until the gang rock up to Woodbury and Oscar gets shot in episode eight of season three [“Made to Suffer”] and dies soon after.

But fuck Oscar, we'd forgotten about him after the opening credits of “Made to Suffer”, because finally, we'd got the male African American character we'd been pining for; Tyreese [played by Dennis “Cutty” Wise from The Wire]. Rick's right-hand man from the comic book, a tough son of a bitch that wasn't going to retire to the shadows like Mr. Douglas and Mr. the Prisoner [just assuming Oscar's second name here, by the way]. From the moment he stepped onto the scene swinging his hammer with such ferocity Thor would blush, we knew we were in for a treat. But did we get a treat?

Yeah, Tyreese was cool and all, but after that fist fight with Rick, taking on a gang of zombies [after they surrounded a car], eventually he kind of dwindled slightly in season four and after the fall of the prison he's left babysitting. He shouldn't be doing that, he killed Chris [a 16 year old] in the comic, so I was hoping he'd punch Lizzie's crazy brain out the back of her skull at some point, but no he left that to Carol and a gun.

But while Tyreese was left – literally - holding the baby we got a new black guy entering the mix – WHILE THERE WAS ANOTHER BLACK GUY STILL ON THE SHOW and it only took them four seasons. Bob Stookey [played by D'Angelo Barksdale from The Wire] drunkenly staggered into the mix on the first episode of season four [“30 Days Without an Accident”]. Now Bob features in the comic and heavily in the novels, so the writers had something to play with, they did alter the character slightly, as he's white in print, maybe the person in charge of casting thought Lawrence Gilliard, Jr. was a Caucasian name and never bothered following up. Bob was decent in my opinion, his alcoholic storyline was interesting [to me at least, but I've got love my brothers in the struggle].

But wait, hold the phone – and not because dead Lori is on the line – because this revelation changes the whole complexity of the argument I'm making, as now we do actually have another African American male on the cast without the proceeding one making way for him. This is true; Rick's list of multicultural friends did allow for two black men to be on it at the same time and this would go on to become the new 'norm', but the one in one out hypothesis would evolve and season four just acted as the transition period. And we make it all the way through season four without either of our black guys dying, in fact they've become strong individuals in the group. But what looms in season five?

ANOTHER BLACK GUY!

Welcome on board Father Gabriel Stokes [played by Detective Ellis Carter from The Wire]. Yes, that's correct, not only do we have three actual African American men in prominent roles in TWD all in the cast at the same time, but all of them are from The Wire, was TWD hosting a reunion party for them? I don't know and neither do I care, I'm not bitching about them using these [very talented] actors from a far superior TV show, I'm just saying if I was at AMC I'm be bringing something else from The Wire … cough-writers-cough.

It's at this point my theory begins to weaken. How can it be one in and one out if we have three black guys at the same time? Well, as I've stated, season four was the turning point of adding another African American male to the cast, but my theory still stands, please continue...

So in the second episode of season five [“Strangers”], we find Father Gabriel cowering on a rock like a typical Christian, until Rick and the gang come to his aid. Gabriel is another character taken from the comic, but picked up in the correct time frame [the comic and TV show run almost parallel, but sometimes characters are introduced earlier/later] so the formula is set up for the television writers, if they choose to follow it. Later in that very episode Rick, Michonne, Sasha, Father Gabriel and Bob go on a little mission, and the later of the group is giving a little speech, always a bad sign if it's out of character for them. And low and behold in the dying minutes of the episode we get the feeling something's up with Bobby Boy. It's the same old story; got bitten but hid it, went to wander off, got his leg eaten by the Hunters, it's a story as old as time.

Bob kicks the bucket – with his one good foot – an episode later in “Four Walls and a Roof” [season five episode three] and the equilibrium started in season four is returned; two black guys. But at least we cared slightly more about Bob's passing, he's played more of a role than T-Dog and Black Prisoner #1, plus he'd actually formed bonds within the group especially with Sasha.

As this is all happening, we have Beth's solo little storyline taking place, she's been taken and has found herself in some weird hospital run by some nasty cops or something, but in this arc we are introduced to Noah [played by Chris from Everybody Hates Chris]. At first I wasn't sure if Noah would be sticking around, I mean he has 'zombie feast' written all over him. I expected him to be in a handful of episodes then he'd be a handful of guts getting crammed into the snapping blacken jaws of a walker. Even after Beth died – yes, white people do actually die too, they're just not so obviously replaced, in fact people of all ethnic backgrounds die... apart from Koreans apparently – and he [Noah] joined the group.

For that mid-season break my mind pondered... will 'so-and-so' attempt suicide... will 'you know, that one!' meet their fate... how will they kill Noah off straight away?

When season five returned with episode nine [“What Happened and What's Going On”] about six minutes in I begin to feel a little uneasy as Tyreese rattled off a little speech to Noah, and as things progressed, things went from bad to absolutely fucking devastating – even once Tyreese was “bit” I still had hope – amputated limbs hasn't played half the role in the TV show as it does in the comics – but eventually we lost another black guy. But it was a meaningless death, we'd just lost Beth, now Tyreese would breathe his last breath! I mean; “What the F... are the writers thinking?”

And now we're left with Gabriel and Noah, two Biblical names to characters that we're highly expecting to meet their maker soon. But who will step in and take up the role of “token black guy”?

Conclusion

Look, I'm not trying to Kanye West it here and claim that TWD hates black people; Michonne has [rightfully] held her place and [somehow] Sasha has survived [until this point – somehow, despite being meaningless]. It doesn't seem as African Americans males have such a bad time in the TV TWD world until they stubble upon Rick Grimes, but when they do they do it seems as if their days are numbered, it's starting to seem apparent that black males can't last long around a white cop... but it is America after all. The TV show just struggles to create a convincingly good African American male to join the ranks – Tyreese came across as an half-hearted go in the end [introduced too late IMHO]– while other mediums of TWD franchise did it successfully with Tyreese & Morgan [comics], Josh Hamilton [novels] and Lee Everett [game], yet their television counterpart can't muster the same efforts.

In conclusion the hypothesis stands true; as soon as one black male is integrated into Rick Grimes' group another one must make way for him and even after the slight shift in season four of having two African Americans in the cast, the theory continues.

The Morgan Jones Paradox

Now, some eagle-eyed TWD fans, have probably already noticed I've neglected to mention Morgan Jones yet, as he's a difficult character to quantify in this whole hypothesis. He is the first African American male character we are introduced to [if he ignore his son, obviously] in the very first episode of TWD. But then he's gone and presumed dead – he is black after all – until episode twelve of season three [“Clear”], when he makes a reappearance. It was good to see the writers had taken time to develop Morgan's character, it's just a shame we didn't see any of it. And then Morgan was gone again, until just recently when he made two appearances [so far] in season five [episode one;”No Sanctuary” and episode eight; “Coda”], suggesting that he may finally link up with Rick and the group. Obviously by this point in the comic Morgan has a primary role within the group, so it will be interesting to see how he incorporates himself into the group on the television series.

The Noah Hypothesis

[POSSIBLE SPOILERS] So, using information from the comics a main character is soon to die at the hands of a new villain, and while I think the writers of the the TV show have made blatant nods to this, I'm starting to assume it won't happen and instead Noah will suffer the fate of Lucille. He's young, he's innocent – so we should care – but it wont have the same effect, in my opinion, but in turn this will open the [Alexandria] door for Morgan to enter.

How to Win Come Dine With Me

Like a large quantity of the British public I love to watch Channel 4’s cookery competition in which 4-5 members of the general public host a dinner party with the chance of winning £1000. But let’s face it, we aren’t tuning in for advice on recipes, we just want to see people from different walks of life let rip at each other with some verbal sparring. Yet, from the numerous hours of watching C4’s primetime show, I’ve developed a list that’s bound to make any novice host/hostess a likely victor in the competition.

Don’t Cook Prawns
I fucking love prawns but there’s always some moaning prick that doesn’t and no matter how you prepare them in the kitchen they’ll always get a grilling at the table; “Did you take out the shit sack [devein it]?” “Are they fresh?” “Why did you leave the head/tail on?” “Why didn’t you leave the head/tail on?” Serving up prawns is basically opening yourself up to the fucking Spanish Inquisition… quite fitting if they’re in a paella.

Don’t Have “Musical Entertainment” in the Living Room
Providing guests with entertainment is more often than not more difficult than serving up the food. A mistake I often see is a host parading out some musical entertainment in their bloody living room, don’t get me wrong on some rare occasions it works well but more often than not it fails. This is probably because a living room is not the natural environment for a musician to play and it leaves everyone uncomfortable. Who wants to be in a situation in which one wrong strum of a guitar could send a plectrum flying into the eye of a dinner guest?

Have a Decent Vegetarian Option
Normally I have no qualms in treating vegetarians like shit, in fact it’s one of my hobbies, yet when it come to Come Dine With Me you have to make a real effort as they could be your key to victory. I don’t know many vegetarian dishes besides beans on toast and cereal so I can’t offer much in advice in what to serve but veer away from grilled mushrooms with loads of shit in it, be inventive and don’t just get a Quorn microwave meal.   

Don’t Be So Overconfident
Just don’t act like an arrogant cunt basically. You’ve seen them before constantly nitpicking at other contestants methods, recipes, homes, children, pets, carpet choice…  All it does is turn everyone against you and make them expect absolute perfection at your night… which is never going to happen, so just keep your fucking mouth shut… apart from when you’re shovelling someone’s overcooked and soggy beef Wellington down your oesophagus.

Ply Them with Alcohol
You sometimes have contestants on, that for whatever reason don’t allow alcohol at their night. More often than not it has something to do with religious beliefs, but hey, if they’re willing to let some fictitious, esoteric guidelines of how to live your life dominate their actions they don’t deserve that £1000. Alcohol is not only vital to dinner parties, it’s vital to life. So when it comes to your night keep your guests’ glasses topped up, the more pissed they get the more fun they’ll have, the higher marks you’ll receive. NOTICE: Don’t ply yourself with alcohol on your own night, you need your wits about you, try to avoid a massive intake of booze the evening before yours too.

Don’t Use Shop-Bought Pastry
I have never made my own pastry, I have never even cooked with shop-bought pastry so this whole pastry debacle that constantly rears it’s ugly head on Come Dine With Me makes no real sense to me. Yet, I do know if you’re going to use shop-bought pastry someone will ask, then will mark you down. Pastry’s shit anyway unless it’s filled with meat from Gregg’s, just avoid it all together so you can avoid that moment where that “arrogant prick/bitch [of the week]” gets a chance to demean you in your house in front of your guest for not making your own pastry. 

Practice Your Menu
Whenever some half-witted contestant turns to the camera in their own kitchen and mumbles; “I hope this goes OK, I’ve never made this before… it looks tricky but I’ll give it a go”, I unleash an ungodly amount of expletives at my television screen for so long I miss the beginning of The Simpsons. This should be a no-brainer; but practice your menu at least three times before your night, just so everything runs a bit smoother. Imagine you’re on a hospital bed, anaesthetic gradually kicking in and as you slowly drift off, the surgeon leans over you and utters; “I hope this goes OK, I’ve never performed open heart surgery before… it looks tricky but I’ll give it a go”, you won’t be filled with much confidence … or organs by the end of it.

Dear Mr. Kyle

I'm an avid fewer of your television show and while some label it as 'human bear-baiting' [a term a don't believe in as surely it would just be 'human baiting', if someone is baiting a dog, it isn't called 'dog bear-baiting', is it?], I don't agree. To be fair your show is one of very few that actually lets the lower class [I'd call them working class, but 98% of them are jobless] be seen on television, yet it isn't doing them much favours as a class in the eyes of viewers, so congratulations for that, I think.

I'm writing to you, as a fan remember, to inform you on a matter than you seem to be extremely unfamiliar with; cannabis. Now you come into more contact with cannabis users than a hostel owner in Amsterdam, so I can't quite fathom why you haven't educated yourself more widely on the matter, hopefully this letter will inform you on the subject.

One of your many catchphrases is; “You know what the number one side effect of weed is don't you? Paranoia!” It's a good catchphrase, nothing amazing, not on the levels of “D'ho!” or “Legen-wait for it... -dary”, but for a man that pokes fun at idiotic pregnant slags and dole queue fillers, it's OK.

My one major gripe about it, is that it's not actually true. Wire yourself up to your trusted lie detector machine and say it over and over again, see what the results are [although I do question that too, if these devices are as accurate as you claim, why aren't they used in law enforcement?]. Form my experience with the drug, I've discovered the main side effect is a feeling of relaxation. But I'd assume you to counteract this claim with something such as; “No, you fool, that's not a side effect, that's the desired effect!! It's my name on the wall!! You should put something on it!!” To that I'd say; valid point Mr. Kyle.

So how about this; The number one side effect from weed is in fact the Munchies. The munchies, is what us stoners refer to the hunger that strikes when you are stoned. It is without a shadow of a doubt the number one side effect of smoking cannabis, so how about you put that in your pipe and don't smoke it... and GET A [PROPER] JOB while you're at it.

Basically Mr. Kyle, if I'm not at work [yes, I have a job, I pay taxes, I don't put money towards the upbringing of my children as I have none] I spend a vast majority of my time high. And you maybe shocked to discover I'm not paranoid any more than the next person and the next person is usually a close friend of mine that also smokes cannabis. You seem to be under the impression that one smoke of a joint and instantly my mind conquers up thoughts of a loved one cheating or some other similar theory that you can compress into a tag-line. This is not the case. Paranoia exists with or without cannabis use and there will be high levels of paranoia amongst your guests as usually it's their reason for being on your show and providing me with entertainment, as I sit back smoking a big spliff thankful that someone's life is much worse than mine... even if he does have his own TV show.

X-Cuses, X-Cuses

I don't like ITV's popular television show The X-Factor. To me it's a glorified karaoke contest that only exists to draw in millions of mindless drones to call premium rate phone-lines to vote for which pathetic cretin they prefer.

Yet while the show itself is easy to avoid like a decrepit blind-man begging in the street the popularity of it and even more the 'controversy' surrounding it, isn't [easy to avoid]. It's splashed across the tabloid pages on a daily basis like a young teens jizzum (in this metaphor the young teen is unable to acquire real porn so his only porn outlet is Page 3 Girls – the metaphor works, I just have to explain it, therefore it doesn't). And people claim it's a fix, which gives clever newspaper editors the chance to use the shows “X” logo in the word 'fix' – they do this at any chance they can when a story relates to The X-Factor. I've seen it some many times I was even tempted to create a my own tabloid style headline for this post, incorporating the “X” into 'X-Cuses, X-Cuses'.

I obviously have something to say about this whole thing or I wouldn't have spent any of my precious time wasting time here. So here I go... The X-Factor is not a fix. Well not how you possibly think it is.

Firstly, people think that somehow the phone votes could not be counted correctly. That is absolutely fucking stupid. The X-Factor is probably ITV's biggest shows and after last years [I think it was last year] controversy surrounding numerous ITV shows relating to phone-in competitions, ITV would never risk the chance of that happening again. It would damage The X-Factor's reputation to a point were it wouldn't be able to recover. I wish that would happen, but sadly I think a few people up at ITV may have a couple of braincells to rub together to prevent such actions taking place as a way to save such a big money earner.

Secondly, when will ex-X-contestants [lol] stop complaining to newspapers once they've left the show? As I write this [Tuesday 7^th December 2010], the latest loser Big Fat Old Woman is on front of The Mirror claiming she was kicked off because it was a fix. Don't be a fucking sore loser Big Fat Old Woman! Just take the rejection, you're big, fat and ugly, you must be used to receiving rejection by now. Plus, how two-faced of you to claim such a thing? If it wasn't for the very show you are now slagging off you'd still be working at Tesco. Biting the hand that feeds you exposes you as the ungrateful bitch you are.

Thirdly, lots of people are wondering why Big Fat Foreign Weirdo managed to stay in the competition so long. It must have been a fix for that colossal fuck-tard to remain in for so long. There's a simple explanation to this; people voted for him. I know, it's a real shocker! Although the people that voted for him are probably those that feel disenfranchised by the Simon Cowell-driven tripe that is pumped into our televisions at a never-ending pace. The truth is, lots of people are starting to turn on The X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent and the puppets they produce. Rage Against the Machine having the Christmas number one last year is proof of that. People probably voted for Big Fat Foreign Weirdo in an attempt to highlight the fact that these shows are nothing more than a popularity contest. I personally wish he had won just so loyal followers of the show started to take note that it has ran it course.

Fourthly, will people get this idea out of their heads that the judges are always fighting amongst themselves. Please people! Do you think they really give a shit if their act wins in the end? Win, loose or draw, they are all laughing all the way to the bank. I'm tired of seeing headlines claiming that it's all war backstage. I highly doubt it. They're probably not BBFs, but they're definitely not enemies like newspapers and women's magazines claim.

Lastly, if The X-Factor was/is fixed, it'd be in a much simpler way. You see all reality show 'stars' are made or broken by one thing, it's not talent, it's editing. Editing the vital tool that makes or breaks careers in reality shows. That's why most people won Big Brother or I'm a Celebrity... because these shows are edited then presented to the public to consume. You see what they want you to see, you believe what they want you to believe, you vote for who they want you to vote for. These people didn't get themselves where they are today by mistake, they know how to manipulate the general public into buying into a singer using the media at their disposal, that's the only way The X-Factor could possibly be fixed, in my opinion.

President Obama should be put on Trail for the Death of Dr. Lawrence Kutner

As the world worships the ground that Barack Obama walks on, many people have overlooked one extremely important fact; that the election of this man lead to the death of one of the greatest television characters of the past decade.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner was bought onboard the television show House. For those unfamiliar with this show, I pity you. House, although made by evil American television company; FOX (owned by Satan himself; Rupert Murdoch), is the best show on television. Now, some demented couch potatoes out there might be willing to disagree, maybe stating that LOST or Heroes are perhaps better. Well demented couch potatoes: YOU’RE WRONG. I too once had plenty of love for these television series’, but after Heroes took a massive nose dive after the first season and proceeded to not supply its audience with a decent fight scene between Sylar and Peter Petrelli, which we’ve all been waiting for and the writers keep building up to, I lost all faith. As for LOST, it’s kind of turned into a slutty girl that just leads you along, making you believe you’re going to get somewhere but you never do. It’s a prick-tease of a show. And to be honest prick-teasers aren’t my thing. For every question that gets answered, ten more questions need to be asked, it’s getting to the point were it’s mentally and physically exhausting to watch. (It’s also worth mentioning that both LOST and Heroes pale in comparison to The Wire – heroin in the medium of a television show)

Anyway, back to the best show on television; House is a drama based around a brilliant diagnostic doctor (Dr. Gregory House). While other drama’s about doctors or hospitals suck more cock than a crackhead in desperate need of a fix, House shines through and stands out amongst the other shit as if it was a piece of luminous, gold sweetcorn. With lovable characters, extravagant diseases/medical conditions, medical jargon for days, witty lines and the Holmes/Watson style friendship Dr. Gregory House and his best friend; Dr. Robert Wilson share it makes the likes of other medical dramas such as Grey’s Anatomy, ER or Private Practice about as much fun as dying in a NHS hospital hallway while you wait for a bed.

Dr. Gregory House, employs a team to help him with his work, this is how we get on to Dr. Lawrence Kutner.

After House sacked his original team, he began to put together another one. Enter Kutner. Even in the early stages, when House had about 40 interns fighting for only three jobs, Kutner was standing out. Maybe it’s because he was ultra cool, maybe it’s because he set a patient on fire (using a defibrillator in a hyperbaric chamber) or maybe it’s because he was brown. Either way, Kutner stood out. Finally Kutner made it down to the final three and won himself (a well deserved) place on House’s team alongside the Jew and the lesbian.

But how does Barack Obama fit into all of this?

Well, the delightful Dr. Lawrence Kutner was portrayed by Kal Penn. During the run up to the last American election, Penn was a member of Obama’s National Arts Policy Committee. Upon Obama’s election, Penn was offered the position of Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Engagement in the Obama administration. Which he accepted. This then lead to his character committing suicide for an unknown reason.

If I’d have known that the election of Barack Obama would have bought about such an action I’d have been against him from the get go. I now actually wish McCain had have won so Kal Penn would have never been offered a job in the White House and Kutner would still be alive. Yes, with McCain in office the world would be in a much more terrible place. McCain wouldn’t have the skills to get America and the rest of the world out of this economical gloom, he looks as if he struggles to get himself out of bed every morning, so a whole getting a whole country out of a recession would have been impossible. Plus, McCain would have probably sent American troops to go to war with Vietnam, just because he still holds a grudge. But now I’m the one with the grudge, against the “most powerful man in the world”.

I can’t believe Obama was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, when he has the blood of Dr. Lawrence Kutner on his hands. It makes me sick. When Bush was President, there was plenty of blood on his hands too. Bush’s actions resulted in the death of innocent Iraqis, innocent Afghans, American troops and British troops, but to be fair to him, nobody on House died as a result of his actions in power, so I’m starting to see a more positive side to him, too bad he’s gone now, probably skipping around Texas trying to catch butterflies in a net or something.

To be honest, it doesn’t matter what Barack Obama does; gets the world out of the recession, brings peace in the Middle East, ends World Poverty, cures AIDs or comes around to my house with a bag of money for me! None of these will make up for being the reason behind the death of Kutner. This is why President Barack Obama should be put on trail for the death of Dr. Lawrence Kutner. Then, when he’s found guilty by a jury of his peers he should be forced to build a time machine and go back in time to before the election and tell the 2008 Obama to lose the election to John McCain, or he could go further back and lose the Democrat election to Bill Clinton’s wife, or go further back and just murder his mother and father to stop his own conception taking place. I don’t care how he fucking does it; I just want Dr. Lawrence Kutner back on House.

Worst 10 Adverts Currently on TV

10) Country Life Butter – “John Lydon/Johnny Rotten”
It’s not that this advert is really that bad (when compared to the others on this list), it’s just that John Lydon is a fucking sell-out! Sid Vicious probably spins in his grave every time this fucking advert airs on TV. In the advert, John gets stuck on a country lane as sheep surround him. Fucking hilarious!! Throughout the ad, John asks; “Why do I buy Country Life Butter?” Because you’re a fucking tool John! That’s why you buy it.

9) Life Without Tobacco – “Pimp My Ride”
OK, I’ve been lucky enough to only see this advert once, which is good, but it’s also hard to rant about it seeing as my memory is shot to hell. But from what I can remember from the advert is that it is based on the popular MTV show “Pimp My Ride”. It’s all animated and there’s even a little fake wigger, that’s meant to be Tim Westwood, but looks more like Vanilla Ice, although the voice sounds like Westwood. I’m sure there’s a line like; “Check out my dog,” [shot of a guy smoking] “he looks healthy but let’s check under his hood” [cuts to cartoon image of the guys lungs]. Of course smoking is bad, we all know this. And trying to keep kids from smoking is important, but why are fucking buffoons creating the adverts? “Pimp My Ride” rip-off? Really? It’s not 2007 anymore and a cartoonish-type character based on Tim Westwood is about as appetising as a dog shit sandwich. He’s not cool, he’s not “down with the youth of today”. In fact if any teenagers like him, they should smoke, so they can get cancer and die. The advert tries to act as if stopping smoking is just done simply. Why can’t these fuckwits actually talk straight to kids and not patronise them with trying to be cool? Get me on a fucking Life Without Tobacco advert, I’d tell the kids some home truths.

8) Every Single “Lawyer/Solicitor” Advert
There’s too many to name, but you know the ones; “Had a trip or a fall at work? Car accident? Stubbed your toe? Want some free money?” and all that “No win, no fee” bullshit. They all follow the same path really, some talks to you asking if you’d be injured then they tell you that you can get money, then they roll out some ugly fuckers that go on to tell you how they made some money for being clumsy idiots. These lawyers should get the fuck off my TV and get back to chasing ambulances!

7) Oven Pride – “Even a Man Can Do It”
This sickening piece of shit features a scowling woman that makes Anne Robinson look like a happy-go-lucky kinda person. In this advert the wife passes some Oven Pride to her husband and he cleans the metal grills of the oven, dancing around like a gormless prick with a stupid grin on his face that makes him look like a fucking retard! The slogan; “Even a man can do it”, makes me want to beat up my wife, luckily for her, she non-existent.

6) MoonPig
In my original draft of this list, I was stupid enough to leave this advert from the Top 5, for this I apologise, but the thing with MoonPig now is that I’ve learned to live with it much like an unwanted step-dad or the wart on my balls. It’s one of those things I’ve got used to and forgotten how much I hated it, until reminded. The whole concept of MoonPig pisses me off. Creating a card online to get sent to your loved ones! They attempt to make the point that this makes birthday cards more personal, but surely not even writing in someone’s card is the least personal thing you can do! I sincerely hope that in the owner of MoonPig catches Swine Flu, it will be ironic justice.

5) confused.com
Now, the kings of shit adverts, seeing as they seem to have a new one every-fucking-time I switch the box on! So it’s hard to attack for that one reason. I can’t pick out certain people that piss me off because by the time you read this they’ll be gone and they’re be a new collection of cunts advertising confused.com. They’ll all be talking about how confused.com saved them money; Guy#1: “I saved £200 with confused.com”, Woman #2: “I saved £30 with confused.com”, Guy #2 “I saved 45p with confused.com” and so on and so on! I saved a man from drowning once; I don’t need to go on TV and fucking brag about it! But from watching the adverts it’s clear were confused.com save the most money ... in advertising. Everything’s shot on fucking webcams! Jesus, confused.com, get it to-fucking-gether. Why should I use a company that can’t even be bothered to put any effort into advertising their product properly!

4) Pot Noodle – “High School Musical Spoof”
When companies are clearly making their adverts awful on purpose you have to question their ever deteriorating mental state. Of course this advert is supposed to be ripping off Disney’s mind-numbingly, suicide-invoking, pile of shit films High School Musical(s), but making your advert shit on purpose should be illegal. The advert ends with “I love making Pot Noodle, more fun than throwing a poodle”, clearly these people have never thrown a poodle under a speeding double-decker bus, because that is fun, lots of fun, much more fun than pouring hot water into a plastic tub containing dried up noodles. I hate this advert so much that I’d rather watch all three High School Musicals back to back, than sit through this 30 second advert!

3) MoneySupermarket.com – “Peter Jones”
“In times like these we all need to save on our household bills...” says Peter Jones (the guy that sits on the far right on Dragons’ Den) at the beginning of this advert. And of course if a multi-millionaire is doing adverts for price comparison site, times must be hard. There’s another ad, in which he rides around on a supermarket trolley like the prick he is. The fucker is so rich he’s probably never encountered a shopping trolley before (seeing as he probably pays someone to shop for him) I think that the director of the advert had to point out how the whole thing works to the smug fucker.

2) Cuprinol – “Wood Preservation Society”
This advert starts with a bunch of smiley, cheerful gardeners appearing from a shed. As soon as that shed door opens, my stress levels shoot through the roof. Then the song starts and I attempt to strangle anyone in reach, just so their choking drowns out the singing, which is dreadful, cringe-worthy and probably the theme tune to an apocalypse, in my opinion. The best bit has to be were the old woman glosses her table and then watches it in the rain. It’s a shame she isn’t struck by lightening. I like to tell myself that because she’s been stood in the rain like a fucking muppet, she’s caught the flu and hopefully kicked the bucket by now, telling myself this really helps me sleep at night. At the end of the advert, they all return to the shed, to continue their AIDs infested orgy.

1) Curanail – “Criminail”
This advert is so terrible it makes me physically sick. I’m actually gagging now as I type this because I’m having to think about it. The actress in the advert has clearly spent a good 5-10 minutes in acting school. The whole concept of fungal-nail infected toes being criminals is mind-blowing and featuring a giant toe in the advert too? What the hell is going on in the world? We all know what toes look like, even Heather Mills, and she’s only got half as many of the rest of the population. We don’t need to see filthy, giant toes on our TV! Toes and feet are disgusting in my opinion that’s why we have socks and shoes, to hide them away from the rest of mankind. And the puns, in the advert! I’m getting angry just thinking about this fucking advert! The video of Ken Bigley getting decapitated is more enjoyable than this advert. Inserting a drill-bit into your japs-eye, then turning on the drill is more enjoyable than this advert. This advert makes being gang-raped seem pleasurable.