You’ve Got 99 Problems, I Have One

“Oh yeah, they call me the recluse, ‘cos I don’t go outside for nothing...” sings Plan B, although I’m more into the; “Stab you in the eye, yo, with a fuckin’ biro...” style he adopted earlier on in his career, but that first line sums up my current existence brilliantly.

I have become a recluse [thought I’d come out and say it in case you aren’t familiar with Ben Drew’s work]. When I’m not at work [in a storeroom, usually on my own], I’m locked up in my bedroom, usually getting a tan from the glow of my PC monitor. The thought of trekking outside is enough to tire me out. If my house was set alight [extremely likely to happen on the street I live on], I’d still probably have to be talked into leaving the premises as if I’ve developed Stockholm Syndrome with my abode. I’m not agoraphobic, at least I’m quite sure I’m not and I’ve watched enough House M.D. to qualify myself as my own ‘medical advice giver’ and acting as my medical advice giver, I say I’m fine.

But that’s the thing, I’m always fine, it’s everyone else that’s the problem – he says from his ivory tower. I’m sure if I was to delve deeper into my own subconscious and really pin-point what the fuck is the matter, I’d finally see that it is me. Yet, I’m stubborn, much more stubborn than most and while self-deprecation is an art form I’ve mastered, I’m no where near close enough to the point of blaming myself for my own actions and feelings. Basically; it’s me, but seeing as I won’t acknowledge that, it’s YOU! You’re the fucking problem.

Not definitely you, per say. I’m not saying you [the reader] have done something to offend me, you probably haven’t done something to hinder my existence, but most people have. You see, wondering out of my house presents me with the opportunity of bumping into someone. This is something that happens to everyone on a daily basis, the thing is, I’m starting to loose patience with people... or ‘time parasites’ as I’m starting to refer to them. What is it with people and their need to communicate? Can’t they just focus what they need to articulate into blog form like me? What is this incessant desire to share every opinion, emotion and problem? Right now you’re almost certainly going to point out the irony that on this very blog I share my opinions and problems, yet they are easy to get away from; just click the little ‘X’ in the top right-hand corner [how many other Bloggers give their readers detailed steps to take to get away from their blog? – None, because I’m a trailblazer] Here are the facts people; you have two ears and one mouth [unless you’re hilariously disfigured – if so; complaints and pictures to the usual address, you fucking freaks], that means you should do twice as much listening as talking. Nobody ever learned anything from talking constantly.

When did it become so ‘normal’ for everyone to discuss their problems with each other? Whatever happened to bottling it all up until you had a nervous breakdown or went on a murderous rampage? You may argue the point that now people are discussing their problems there are less nervous breakdowns and murderous rampages, but at the end of the day, if it’s a toss up between listening to a person’s tediously, mind-numbingly, boring ‘problem’ or getting shot in the face by a stressed out, problem filled nutter on a murderous rampage, I’ll take the bullets thanks and keep shooting until you can’t make out my features anymore, I want a closed casket [ceremony] anyway.

I’ve kind of veered off course here, but never mind. To sum up people moaning about their problems is my problem and therefore causes me to live life as a recluse. See you around... although I probably won’t.