Due for unforeseeable events involving what can only be described as selfish cunts, a room has become available to rent in my abode. It's not often that a chance such as this comes up, so it is advised that you take this opportunity ASAP.
The house has all the mod-cons*. Over the past few years the world has been savaged by mother nature, while homes, huts and businesses are left in ruin worldwide, my house is 100% tsunami proof, so that should ease any possible worries you have. Also; wild bear attacks are at a constant level of zero and have been since records began, attacks from smackheads with dirty needles has been on the increase over the last decade though; but as they say around here; “we all gets AIDs eventually, why wait?”
The house is situated in one of the East-Midlands biggest (and only) cities; Derby. While Nottingham is known for it's legacy, excellent night life and brilliant shopping facilities (- if you're into that kind of capitalist stuff), Derby has things to offer too; like a regular bus service to Nottingham so you can take advantage of all their great stuff. But it's not just buses into Nottingham, no! You can also take the train. Derby itself has a couple of things on hand to keep you entertained; like Lara Croft Way; a road named after the Tomb Raider character, the Derby Ram [statue]; it may look like a coiled concrete turd but it's something to look at for 20 seconds or so**. All of this exciting stuff is a only minutes away from my house, how I ever get anything done is beyond me!
If you've liked what you've read so far about this amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity, you should carry on reading to see if you fit the qualifications to become my housemate.
What We Don't Want:
Drum & Bass DJs; you're a plague on society, there's too many of you and I can't be seen with any more of you. My quota for D&B DJs as friends/acquaintances is maxed out ten fold, so fuck off.
Jews; we aren't anti-Semitic, we're just not welcoming to anyone that believes in a monotheism religion, so Christians and Muslims are included in this too, as you all basically believe the same thing, you just quarrel over the small details.
Anyone with a political ideology that leans to the right; if you vote Conservative you're not welcome and probably far too posh to live here anyway.
Drug enthusiasts; if you're drugs are anything but; tea, coffee, tobacco, alcohol or marijuana, this probably isn't the place for you as I'm not explaining another OD'd corpse to police/grieving families.
What We Do Want:
Someone with a 'good' taste in music; basically if you have a varied taste in music you'll more than likely get on with someone in the house. A love and detailed understanding on British battle rap (and it's history) is preferred but not mandatory (yet).
Someone with an income; self-explanatory really, you need money to pay bills and keep the fucking debt collectors at bay.
Someone thick-skinned; you must be able to take a joke at your expense, also thick skin comes in handy as we have single-glazed windows (double-glazing is for motherfucking pussies), so on occasions*** it gets a little chilly.
Drum & Bass DJs; you're a plague on society, there's too many of you and I can't be seen with any more of you. My quota for D&B DJs as friends/acquaintances is maxed out ten fold, so fuck off.
Jews; we aren't anti-Semitic, we're just not welcoming to anyone that believes in a monotheism religion, so Christians and Muslims are included in this too, as you all basically believe the same thing, you just quarrel over the small details.
Anyone with a political ideology that leans to the right; if you vote Conservative you're not welcome and probably far too posh to live here anyway.
Drug enthusiasts; if you're drugs are anything but; tea, coffee, tobacco, alcohol or marijuana, this probably isn't the place for you as I'm not explaining another OD'd corpse to police/grieving families.
What We Do Want:
Someone with a 'good' taste in music; basically if you have a varied taste in music you'll more than likely get on with someone in the house. A love and detailed understanding on British battle rap (and it's history) is preferred but not mandatory (yet).
Someone with an income; self-explanatory really, you need money to pay bills and keep the fucking debt collectors at bay.
Someone thick-skinned; you must be able to take a joke at your expense, also thick skin comes in handy as we have single-glazed windows (double-glazing is for motherfucking pussies), so on occasions*** it gets a little chilly.
House Rules:
House Rules!! Respect must be given to the fictional doctor Gregory House. Revealing spoilers from the latest episode is punishable by death. This is also true for The Walking Dead.
Do not answer the door; if you're not expecting visitors, you do not answer the door as usually the person on the other side is after money, usually owed to them by someone in the house.
House Rules!! Respect must be given to the fictional doctor Gregory House. Revealing spoilers from the latest episode is punishable by death. This is also true for The Walking Dead.
Do not answer the door; if you're not expecting visitors, you do not answer the door as usually the person on the other side is after money, usually owed to them by someone in the house.
*according to a survey done in 1985
** it's not better than Nottingham's left Lion though, hell, it's not even better than the right Lion!
*** on occasions, meaning from October – March.
** it's not better than Nottingham's left Lion though, hell, it's not even better than the right Lion!
*** on occasions, meaning from October – March.
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