Writing for Newsjack

For those that don’t know I write for a BBC radio comedy… but before you start thinking I’m ‘someone’; so do hundreds of other people. “No wonder the BBC is having to make cutbacks if it’s employing all these people to write for one show” you may be thinking, but you’re wrong. Newsjack has an open door policy, so anyone can send in material. But now the final deadline has passed us by, so no more last minute attempts to satirise current affairs in the attempt of building up a portfolio in the world of the comedy writer. It’s back to avoiding newspapers like Liam Fox (mmm … satire*).

My style of writing for Newsjack is basically, throw everything I can at them, sit back, constantly refreshing my hotmail account in hope that I receive an email informing me I've had material accepted. But I wasn't lucky enough this series, obviously by “lucky enough”, I mean “good enough”.

You see, the thing is when you're writing your little one-liners or sketches, you think you actually have something of quality; an actual piece of comedy gold that stands a chance of getting aired. That optimism lasts form Monday/Tuesday [when you send your material in] until late Thursday, when the inevitable happens and you don't receive that email. At that point you look back over what you've written and realise how drastically awful the whole thing was and how much of an idiot you were for thinking that poorly stringed together bunch of toss was ever going to be considered for broadcast. You feel shitty. You then listen to the show and feel shittier because;

a) Someone else used an angle you had, but in such a better way you begin to question why on Earth you think that you can compete with writers [that get material accepted] when your approach is so blatantly simple a child that eats PVA glue could have come up with it.

b) You hear a sketch/one-liner that you feel is substandard and you begin to wonder why your substandard material was passed over for that. You then go on to realise that you clearly know nothing about producing or writing for a radio show, so why should you hate on someone else's hard work, when they're the ones receiving a cheque from the BBC and you're not.

Eventually you calm down and last week's knock back inspires you to write something better. So you plunge yourself into the week's news, furiously jotting down fragmented ideas. You go on to construct them into sketches/one-liners. You convince yourself these are way better than last week's effort and the whole cycle begins again. Optimism. Failure. Self-loathing. Back to the drawing board... or writing table.

The hardest aspect of writing for Newsjack, in my eyes is writing for the tone of the show. This is of course the most vital aspect too, the show can't simply throw out a bunch of sketches that don't follow suit; witty satire is probably the summation of what they're after. While my style of writing is more offensive and blatant; that's probably why my sketch; “Top Five things that make Cameron a Massive Cunt” never got the chance it deserved. But it becomes hard to understand why material gets passed over, from my point of view. I mean I was lucky enough [obviously by “lucky enough”, I mean “good enough”] to get a one-liner accepted in series four. Yet I thought that I'd sent in one-liners that were better than that.

Anyhow, here's a handful of my rejected one-liners and parts from sketches;

UPBEAT MAN: After the Foreign Office warned against visiting Kenya, our travel agent arranged us a place in Cape Town at no extra fee, which is good because it can cost an arm and a leg or a leg at least.

HOST: Boris Johnson opened London Fashion week, William Hague was due to do the opening but a wardrobe malfunction left him unable to come out of the closet.

WOMAN: In Libya David Cameron said the Arab Spring could become an Arab Summer, because ultimately he wants to see the Arab Fall.

HOST: David Walliams’ Thames challenge has shown the nation that persistence, determination and a good pair of swimming goggles will eventually get you through everybody else’s shit.

[from a Sketch about Boris Johnson opening fashion week;]
HOST: Now live from fashion week, we are joined by a man that’s got so many depressed women naked he makes Peter Stringfellow look like a rank amateur; Gok Wan.

… all now fantastically outdated and have stood the test of time like a bunch of cheap flowers.

*I'd like to point out that the line there was [slightly] satirical when I began this blog, but as I usually do I gave up on this blog about ten minutes after starting it and only returned to it as I was unable to create a new topic to write about. Although this has probably added more to that joke as it's no longer satire, which also criticises my attempts at satire; mmm … self-loathing.