I’m a socialist. Well at least I think I am.
I honestly believe that socialism is better than capitalism.
The problem is that I’m not sure how to go about being a socialist. To me it seems as if socialists fall into this stereotypical role of spouting off about the ills of capitalism and how Karl Marx was so great. While I may share those views, am I just towing a line? Or is that the basis of being a socialist? Is that all it takes? It’s so fucking confusing at times.
Surely there is some kind of pamphlet out there that can educate me on the key points of being a socialist. But this raises more problems for me, because if I need a pamphlet to tell me how to be a socialist, am I even a socialist? You see, it’s fucking confusing!
Of course, when you admit to being a socialist you open yourself up to a barrage of insults and people look down on you as if you somehow had something to do with aiding Stalin or Mao. So let me just make it clear that I have never met or helped Stalin or Mao in anyway possible. Living in a capitalist society often leads to socialism being under attack from the media. McCarthyism anyone?
The problem is that big business runs the capitalist world we live in, not governments. Those with the most money have the most power. Capitalism caters to a select few and it caters to them well. In fact it caters to them so well that they don’t want it to stop, why would they? That’s why media tycoons portray socialists as nut jobs. That’s why we go to war. That’s why America was so terrified of communism creeping in during the Red Scares, heaven forbid that a political ideology in which profits should be distributed equally instead of the bourgeoisie taking the lump sum enter a country that survives by profiting off of cheap labour elsewhere in the world!
Marx was right! And yet you still sit there without taking much notice. Don’t get me wrong, terrible things have been done by people claiming be working to Marx’s ideologies, but the man himself would have never supported those actions taken. Much like American Christian Fundamentalists murdering doctors that perform abortions, we don’t blame God, we blame the fucking metal pro-lifer* that took it upon himself to kill another human being. Marx is not too blame for what took place, as he had no control over what people did in his name, much like God has no control over what those feeble minded people that choose to live their lives dedicated to an unreal deity do in his name. Religion is the opiate of the masses after all.
But returning to socialism, it’s the underdog of the political ideologies, even fascists are doing better in Britain! Am I the only one that thinks there is no longer a voice for the left? There is supposed to be an anti-corporate movement happening; demonstrations against the G20. But yet the left has no representatives. The BBC is more likely to give air-time to Nick Griffin than a Marxist.
Maybe I’m just confused again. Maybe it is only me thinking this socialism thing is a good thing. Seeing as Britain is now so right-wing, fascists are allowed on television channels (funded by the public) to spout of their fucked up bullshit. In paying for my TV licence, I helped fund the BNP getting its message across. What a fucking disgrace. What next for the BBC? Adolf Hitler hosting the new episode of Have I Got News For You? Abu Hamza as a guest on The Graham Norton Show, promoting his new book and “death to the infidels”!? Is that it? While I’ve been caught up in this socialism ‘thing’ the whole fucking country has become so right-wing, they make Bill O’Reilly look like a communist swine?
There was no real purpose for this Blog, I just wanted to talk about being a socialist, and as it turns out I am one, reading back through what I have written I notice I talk on the ills of capitalism and big up Karl Marx. Maybe that is the basis of being a socialist, maybe that’s all there is to being a socialist.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Friday, 20 November 2009
Why I Hate ... Drum & Bass
OK, this has been a long time coming. The only reason that I’ve held back from writing this Blog is that my Blog is only read by my friends and the majority of my friends fucking love Drum & Bass, so it’s bound to do down like a shit sandwich, but sadly I couldn’t hold back anymore, because the fact of the matter is Drum & Bass is fucking shit! Yeah, I said it!
I know it’s easy to look at a different type of music from the outside and make harsh judgements on it, but I’m not on the outside looking in, Drum & Bass plagues my life every-fucking-day, and not just recently but this has been the case for quite a few years now. The last time I lived with someone who wasn’t constantly obsessed with Drum & Bass was when I lived at home, four years ago. So before anyone starts pointing a fucking finger in my direction and claiming; “You can’t hate something you know nothing about”, I’d like to make it clear that I know about Drum & Bass, so I’m fucking more than welcome to talk shit about it, so fuck you!
Firstly Drum & Bass is not music.
Music conveys emotion. Every song in any other genre of music conveys emotion, from pop to death metal. But Drum & Bass doesn’t. The only time it does is when the listener is high on pills. But face it, on pills an empty can of Coca-Cola falling down a flight of stairs, clinking on every-step sounds as if it’s music conveying emotion. It’s a sad state of affairs when a whole genre of ‘music’ can be only appreciated (I use this term loosely) when the listener is out of their normal state of mind.
I know people say this about many forms of ‘music’, but in this case it’s completely true; all Drum & Bass songs sound the same. They really do. Every time I hear a Drum & Bass track, no matter which talentless artist has made it, I get a case of déjà vu! It’s freaky!
And when it comes to Drum & Bass emcees, oh my days....! I thought the majority of Grime artists were terrible. The best Drum & Bass emcee makes the worst Grime emcee look like a musical mastermind. It’s just that Drum & Bass lyrics lack a fundamental essential; LYRICS. It’s just fucking muffled gibberish. I feel like I’m listening to someone taking my order at a McDonalds Drive-Thru. They could be speaking Korean for all I know. I do prefer Drum & Bass without vocals to be honest, because then at least you only have to deal with the appalling beat instead of having my ears tortured by an appalling beat and an incomprehendable drivel being spat out by some obnoxious cunt.
It may be harsh to label all Drum & Bass emcees “obnoxious cunts”, so I’d like to say that I’m sure they’re not all obnoxious cunts. I’m sure the Drum & Bass emcee scene is made up of obnoxious twats, obnoxious bastards, obnoxious fucks and obnoxious [add own expletive word here] too.
As I have previously mentioned plenty of my friends listen to Drum & Bass and while I have no medical credentials or no scientific proof to back up the following point, I do believe (from my own experiences) that it is still true; Drum and Bass makes people stupid. When most of my friends started listening to it I saw a rapid decline in their intelligence. They began finding it hard to concentrate on the simplest tasks, this went on to the point were some of them could no longer tie their shoes or even spell their own names.
Another aspect of Drum & Bass is that it seems as if almost everyone that listens to it is a Drum & Bass DJ. I know five people that are Drum & Bass DJ’s! Five! I’d take a wild stab in the dark and estimate that a good 95% of people that listen to Drum & Bass are in fact DJs. The pendulum* has swung in favour of them, now there are more people playing Drum & Bass records than listening to them! The major increase of Drum & Bass DJs makes the global expansion of companies like McDonalds and Starbucks look pathetic. Official figures state that there are approximately 3,000 new Drum & Bass DJs everyday. If this continues it is likely that people such as myself and others that don’t like Drum & Bass will be rounded up and put into camps. Seeing as we will be the minority, we will then be allocated to a Drum & Bass DJ, chained to his (or her) decks and forced to listen to their 24 hour set, just so every Drum & Bass DJ has an audience. When that day comes I advice all those like me to chew at your own wrists until you’ve done so much damage that you eventually bleed to death.
One of my biggest gripes with Drum & Bass is that people actually think I listen to it or like it. Of course it seems silly to hate something because people think you like it, shouldn’t my gripe be with this idiotic morons that believe I would like such shit? No, my gripe should be with Drum & Bass, because if it didn’t exist I wouldn’t have this problem. I’m constantly being asked if I’ve heard the new track by some D&B fuckwit! Or I’m being asked if I’m going to the next Drum & Bass night. Asking me if I like Drum & Bass is akin to asking me if I like jamming a Phillips-head screwdriver down my urethra. So, no I don’t like Drum & Bass, in fact if you’re yet to work it out from the title or from the rant above, I’ll just clarify one more time; I fucking hate Drum & Bass.
Thanks for your time.
*Get it? I used ‘pendulum’ in a Blog about Drum & Bass! I’m so clever.
I know it’s easy to look at a different type of music from the outside and make harsh judgements on it, but I’m not on the outside looking in, Drum & Bass plagues my life every-fucking-day, and not just recently but this has been the case for quite a few years now. The last time I lived with someone who wasn’t constantly obsessed with Drum & Bass was when I lived at home, four years ago. So before anyone starts pointing a fucking finger in my direction and claiming; “You can’t hate something you know nothing about”, I’d like to make it clear that I know about Drum & Bass, so I’m fucking more than welcome to talk shit about it, so fuck you!
Firstly Drum & Bass is not music.
Music conveys emotion. Every song in any other genre of music conveys emotion, from pop to death metal. But Drum & Bass doesn’t. The only time it does is when the listener is high on pills. But face it, on pills an empty can of Coca-Cola falling down a flight of stairs, clinking on every-step sounds as if it’s music conveying emotion. It’s a sad state of affairs when a whole genre of ‘music’ can be only appreciated (I use this term loosely) when the listener is out of their normal state of mind.
I know people say this about many forms of ‘music’, but in this case it’s completely true; all Drum & Bass songs sound the same. They really do. Every time I hear a Drum & Bass track, no matter which talentless artist has made it, I get a case of déjà vu! It’s freaky!
And when it comes to Drum & Bass emcees, oh my days....! I thought the majority of Grime artists were terrible. The best Drum & Bass emcee makes the worst Grime emcee look like a musical mastermind. It’s just that Drum & Bass lyrics lack a fundamental essential; LYRICS. It’s just fucking muffled gibberish. I feel like I’m listening to someone taking my order at a McDonalds Drive-Thru. They could be speaking Korean for all I know. I do prefer Drum & Bass without vocals to be honest, because then at least you only have to deal with the appalling beat instead of having my ears tortured by an appalling beat and an incomprehendable drivel being spat out by some obnoxious cunt.
It may be harsh to label all Drum & Bass emcees “obnoxious cunts”, so I’d like to say that I’m sure they’re not all obnoxious cunts. I’m sure the Drum & Bass emcee scene is made up of obnoxious twats, obnoxious bastards, obnoxious fucks and obnoxious [add own expletive word here] too.
As I have previously mentioned plenty of my friends listen to Drum & Bass and while I have no medical credentials or no scientific proof to back up the following point, I do believe (from my own experiences) that it is still true; Drum and Bass makes people stupid. When most of my friends started listening to it I saw a rapid decline in their intelligence. They began finding it hard to concentrate on the simplest tasks, this went on to the point were some of them could no longer tie their shoes or even spell their own names.
Another aspect of Drum & Bass is that it seems as if almost everyone that listens to it is a Drum & Bass DJ. I know five people that are Drum & Bass DJ’s! Five! I’d take a wild stab in the dark and estimate that a good 95% of people that listen to Drum & Bass are in fact DJs. The pendulum* has swung in favour of them, now there are more people playing Drum & Bass records than listening to them! The major increase of Drum & Bass DJs makes the global expansion of companies like McDonalds and Starbucks look pathetic. Official figures state that there are approximately 3,000 new Drum & Bass DJs everyday. If this continues it is likely that people such as myself and others that don’t like Drum & Bass will be rounded up and put into camps. Seeing as we will be the minority, we will then be allocated to a Drum & Bass DJ, chained to his (or her) decks and forced to listen to their 24 hour set, just so every Drum & Bass DJ has an audience. When that day comes I advice all those like me to chew at your own wrists until you’ve done so much damage that you eventually bleed to death.
One of my biggest gripes with Drum & Bass is that people actually think I listen to it or like it. Of course it seems silly to hate something because people think you like it, shouldn’t my gripe be with this idiotic morons that believe I would like such shit? No, my gripe should be with Drum & Bass, because if it didn’t exist I wouldn’t have this problem. I’m constantly being asked if I’ve heard the new track by some D&B fuckwit! Or I’m being asked if I’m going to the next Drum & Bass night. Asking me if I like Drum & Bass is akin to asking me if I like jamming a Phillips-head screwdriver down my urethra. So, no I don’t like Drum & Bass, in fact if you’re yet to work it out from the title or from the rant above, I’ll just clarify one more time; I fucking hate Drum & Bass.
Thanks for your time.
*Get it? I used ‘pendulum’ in a Blog about Drum & Bass! I’m so clever.
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Are you a Gangsta Rapper?
The world of Gangsta Rap is over-populated to say the least, with new artists trying to get involved everyday. But I have took it upon myself to put together an examination for wannabe Gangsta Rappers to take to see if they have what it really takes to make it in the industry.
1) It is rumoured that Jimmy the Crackhead has been informing the authorities about your illegal activities. What do you do?
a) Write him a letter asking him if the rumours are true.
b) Confront him face to face and ask him politely.
c) Ignore the silly rumours, they’re probably not true, Jimmy’s a nice guy really.
d) Go and pistol whip that motherfuckin’ snitch!
2) You are at a nightclub and you ask a girl to dance, she refuses. What do you do?
a) Move on to the next girl.
b) Go and sit down and order another Orange Juice.
c) I wouldn’t be found in a night club.
d) Call her a “Stank-ass hoe” and glass her with a bottle of Hennessy.
3) You get your record advance, its $25,000. What do you do with it?
a) Put it in the bank, best not to spend it all at once.
b) Buy something nice for your mother.
c) Give a little to charity.
d) Spend $15,000 on crack, distribute that, double you’re money then buy some jewellery and a nice car with them rims that spin!
4) Another up-and-coming Gangsta Rapper ‘disses’ you on a track. What do you do?
a) Update your Twitter page saying; “I heard [artist’s name]’s track. I like it, there’s no animosity at all.”
b) Settle the ‘beef’ with a nice phone call.
c) Bless him and pray that God guides him in the correct path.
d) Run up in his baby mama’s crib, tape that bitch up and trash the whole motherfuckin’ house, ‘cos you ain’t no motherfuckin’ punk and you ain’t takin’ that shit from a bitch-ass-motherfucker!
5) What is your ideal day? Choose from the following;
a) Not waking until noon, a nice cup of tea then maybe a nice long walk later.
b) A trip to the library to get out a couple of books.
c) Read some of the Bible, then have a little prayer.
d) Getting brain from Shaquenta the neighbourhood chicken-head, drinkin’ some 40s, smokin’ some blunts then maybe a drive-by later.
6) Out of the following list, which is your favourite movie?
a) American Beauty
b) Carry On Camping
c) Anything with Tom Hanks in.
d) Scarface
7) Out of the following, Who is most likely to be your idol?
a) George W Bush
b) Karl Marx
c) God
d) Tupac
8) Which of these words best describe you?
a) Law-abiding citizen
b) Loving husband and dedicated father
c) Pope
d) Hustler
9) Out of the following which is most important?
a) Friends & Family
b) World Peace
c) Going to Heaven
d) Bling
10) Are you a Gangsta Rapper?
a) No
b) Don’t think so
c) No, I’m a man of God.
d) Yeah, boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!
If you answered mostly A’s;
You’re not a gangsta rapper, but you are a nice member of society. You may never have a multi-platinum selling Hip Hop album, but you’re less lightly to die in a hail of gunfire.
If you answered mostly B’s;
(See above)
If you answered mostly C’s;
You are the Pope, you should be doing you’re Pope business and not taking Quiz’s online! You are not a gangsta rapper and God doesn’t exisit (thought I’d let you know).
If you answered mostly D’s;
You are a gangsta rapper, congradulations, motherfucker! You could have a multi-platinum selling album, but seeing as the scene so over crowded you probably won’t.
1) It is rumoured that Jimmy the Crackhead has been informing the authorities about your illegal activities. What do you do?
a) Write him a letter asking him if the rumours are true.
b) Confront him face to face and ask him politely.
c) Ignore the silly rumours, they’re probably not true, Jimmy’s a nice guy really.
d) Go and pistol whip that motherfuckin’ snitch!
2) You are at a nightclub and you ask a girl to dance, she refuses. What do you do?
a) Move on to the next girl.
b) Go and sit down and order another Orange Juice.
c) I wouldn’t be found in a night club.
d) Call her a “Stank-ass hoe” and glass her with a bottle of Hennessy.
3) You get your record advance, its $25,000. What do you do with it?
a) Put it in the bank, best not to spend it all at once.
b) Buy something nice for your mother.
c) Give a little to charity.
d) Spend $15,000 on crack, distribute that, double you’re money then buy some jewellery and a nice car with them rims that spin!
4) Another up-and-coming Gangsta Rapper ‘disses’ you on a track. What do you do?
a) Update your Twitter page saying; “I heard [artist’s name]’s track. I like it, there’s no animosity at all.”
b) Settle the ‘beef’ with a nice phone call.
c) Bless him and pray that God guides him in the correct path.
d) Run up in his baby mama’s crib, tape that bitch up and trash the whole motherfuckin’ house, ‘cos you ain’t no motherfuckin’ punk and you ain’t takin’ that shit from a bitch-ass-motherfucker!
5) What is your ideal day? Choose from the following;
a) Not waking until noon, a nice cup of tea then maybe a nice long walk later.
b) A trip to the library to get out a couple of books.
c) Read some of the Bible, then have a little prayer.
d) Getting brain from Shaquenta the neighbourhood chicken-head, drinkin’ some 40s, smokin’ some blunts then maybe a drive-by later.
6) Out of the following list, which is your favourite movie?
a) American Beauty
b) Carry On Camping
c) Anything with Tom Hanks in.
d) Scarface
7) Out of the following, Who is most likely to be your idol?
a) George W Bush
b) Karl Marx
c) God
d) Tupac
8) Which of these words best describe you?
a) Law-abiding citizen
b) Loving husband and dedicated father
c) Pope
d) Hustler
9) Out of the following which is most important?
a) Friends & Family
b) World Peace
c) Going to Heaven
d) Bling
10) Are you a Gangsta Rapper?
a) No
b) Don’t think so
c) No, I’m a man of God.
d) Yeah, boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!
If you answered mostly A’s;
You’re not a gangsta rapper, but you are a nice member of society. You may never have a multi-platinum selling Hip Hop album, but you’re less lightly to die in a hail of gunfire.
If you answered mostly B’s;
(See above)
If you answered mostly C’s;
You are the Pope, you should be doing you’re Pope business and not taking Quiz’s online! You are not a gangsta rapper and God doesn’t exisit (thought I’d let you know).
If you answered mostly D’s;
You are a gangsta rapper, congradulations, motherfucker! You could have a multi-platinum selling album, but seeing as the scene so over crowded you probably won’t.
For Fawkes Sake!
It’s that time of the year in which we embrace an American holiday; Halloween, but we also celebrate that fact that some northerner wasn’t able to blow up Parliament in 1605. I am of course talking about Bonfire Night.
Now, I don’t know how many other countries celebrate failed assassination attempts but I’m guessing there aren’t many, which puts our certain kind of celebration in a class of its own.
The thing is at the end of the day all Bonfire Night is a gathering of people watching shit burn. We commemorate Parliament not being blown up by burning shit we don’t want for one night a year. Then stare at the bonfire like we’re some-type of unintelligible caveman staring at a plasma TV. “Woooo, look at the burny, burny!” We then stare into the sky to watch pretty lights, which always seem to be a let down. If I leave after watching some fireworks and I’m neither slightly deaf nor slightly blind, I’m not satisfied. I also love the way most adults try to say that the fireworks are for the children, when most kids are scared of them and would be more than happy with a sparkler. The fireworks are really for adults, just a nice little distraction for a couple of minutes to take your mind off your shitty lives.
At this time of the year it’s easy to see the difference between us and our American cousins, while they dress up scary costumes and go door to door asking for ‘treats’, we gather together for a tradition deep-rooted into our history. At the end of their night they get home to find a bag full of ‘candy’ and maybe a couple of dollars in their pocket and we end up stinking of smoke, covered in mud, occasionally drenched and often coming down with the first symptoms of a cold or flu.
To me it seems as if this British tradition has run its course. In this day and age in which most of the population hates the government and wouldn’t think twice about walking in Guy Fawkes shoes and attempting a Gun Powder Plot, maybe we shouldn’t commemorate a failed assassination attempt by standing around watching a big fire. When chavs stand around a stolen Corsa as it goes up in the flames that’s illegal, but it’s fine for members of the public to stand around a huge fire once a year. When tramps stand around a burning bin under some bridge they’re still smelly tramps and we point and laugh at them, then go on to stand around a bigger fire, you need to step back and wonder, are you any better than a bunch of chavs or tramps?
So what I propose for next year, is instead of the archaic tradition we should band together and attempt; Gun Powder Plot 2010; Mission Probable! No longer will we celebrate Guy Fawkes getting caught, instead we shall finish what he started.
Now, I don’t know how many other countries celebrate failed assassination attempts but I’m guessing there aren’t many, which puts our certain kind of celebration in a class of its own.
The thing is at the end of the day all Bonfire Night is a gathering of people watching shit burn. We commemorate Parliament not being blown up by burning shit we don’t want for one night a year. Then stare at the bonfire like we’re some-type of unintelligible caveman staring at a plasma TV. “Woooo, look at the burny, burny!” We then stare into the sky to watch pretty lights, which always seem to be a let down. If I leave after watching some fireworks and I’m neither slightly deaf nor slightly blind, I’m not satisfied. I also love the way most adults try to say that the fireworks are for the children, when most kids are scared of them and would be more than happy with a sparkler. The fireworks are really for adults, just a nice little distraction for a couple of minutes to take your mind off your shitty lives.
At this time of the year it’s easy to see the difference between us and our American cousins, while they dress up scary costumes and go door to door asking for ‘treats’, we gather together for a tradition deep-rooted into our history. At the end of their night they get home to find a bag full of ‘candy’ and maybe a couple of dollars in their pocket and we end up stinking of smoke, covered in mud, occasionally drenched and often coming down with the first symptoms of a cold or flu.
To me it seems as if this British tradition has run its course. In this day and age in which most of the population hates the government and wouldn’t think twice about walking in Guy Fawkes shoes and attempting a Gun Powder Plot, maybe we shouldn’t commemorate a failed assassination attempt by standing around watching a big fire. When chavs stand around a stolen Corsa as it goes up in the flames that’s illegal, but it’s fine for members of the public to stand around a huge fire once a year. When tramps stand around a burning bin under some bridge they’re still smelly tramps and we point and laugh at them, then go on to stand around a bigger fire, you need to step back and wonder, are you any better than a bunch of chavs or tramps?
So what I propose for next year, is instead of the archaic tradition we should band together and attempt; Gun Powder Plot 2010; Mission Probable! No longer will we celebrate Guy Fawkes getting caught, instead we shall finish what he started.
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
Cumming of Age
So I recently turned the ripe age of 23. While most people will tell you adulthood begins at either 18 or 21, they are sadly mistaken, 23 is the age of adulthood. 21 is the last age of your youth, and the year you spend being 22 is the transition year.
So this is adulthood now, I’m no longer getting older, now I’m getting old.
The thing is since I turned 23 my life has changed dramatically. While I’m still easily annoyed by an endless amount of parasites that plague our world, maybe more now than before, but I’ve lost the will to verbally assault these imbeciles. I no longer possess the answers that I would have previously, to the question; “What shall we do about these fucks?”
And while I’m currently suffering from Fresher’s Flu, a bad back (which might be a sign of getting old, already) and a lack of funding from my loan company, I’m still unable to channel my anger and frustration into writing anything of worth.
Blogging is a young man’s game like finger fucking slags behind bike sheds and my fingers don’t smell like pube-less vagina ... it you get my drift.
So as the future looks the bleakest since the last attempted to hang myself I have released that this is life. It’s just bleak, morbid and pointless. Now when I look back at adults telling me that my youth would be the best time of my life I no longer think of them as fucking losers that never achieved anything themselves, I see them as prophets of reality, I should have taken heed to what they were saying and enjoyed my youth a little more.
While my previous life plan involved plenty of great achievements for me I’m starting to think more realistically. Whereas before I was pinning my hopes on writing for TV shows, now I’ll settle with picking up rubbish for the council at 5.00am in the morning after a busy night enjoyed by young people that have yet to realise that no matter what they do they’re worthless. Just specks on faecal matter on the toilet bowl of the world.
So this is adulthood now, I’m no longer getting older, now I’m getting old.
The thing is since I turned 23 my life has changed dramatically. While I’m still easily annoyed by an endless amount of parasites that plague our world, maybe more now than before, but I’ve lost the will to verbally assault these imbeciles. I no longer possess the answers that I would have previously, to the question; “What shall we do about these fucks?”
And while I’m currently suffering from Fresher’s Flu, a bad back (which might be a sign of getting old, already) and a lack of funding from my loan company, I’m still unable to channel my anger and frustration into writing anything of worth.
Blogging is a young man’s game like finger fucking slags behind bike sheds and my fingers don’t smell like pube-less vagina ... it you get my drift.
So as the future looks the bleakest since the last attempted to hang myself I have released that this is life. It’s just bleak, morbid and pointless. Now when I look back at adults telling me that my youth would be the best time of my life I no longer think of them as fucking losers that never achieved anything themselves, I see them as prophets of reality, I should have taken heed to what they were saying and enjoyed my youth a little more.
While my previous life plan involved plenty of great achievements for me I’m starting to think more realistically. Whereas before I was pinning my hopes on writing for TV shows, now I’ll settle with picking up rubbish for the council at 5.00am in the morning after a busy night enjoyed by young people that have yet to realise that no matter what they do they’re worthless. Just specks on faecal matter on the toilet bowl of the world.
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
The Funny Side of Terrorism
You may think clowns are harmless, but they’re not. I recently learned that behind that make-up and underneath those baggy clothes is a terrorist. All clowns are terrorists!
I understand that because of Americanism and the media that many of the population believe that a terrorist has to be a Muslim, but this is not the case; anyone can be a terrorist... Timothy McVeigh? or the I.R.A?
So let me just make it clear, that clowns have no ties to any religion. What most people (who aren’t clowns) don’t know is that almost 98% of clowns are linked by secret societies. The biggest being ‘The Clown Conglomerate’ (or ‘CC’ for short).
The CC was first put together in the Medieval Times by Jesters, it has since grown and spread. Sectors have been set up all over the world and all answer to the headquarters, which are believed to be in the Kent area, but nobody is sure (apart from those clowns at highest level of The CC).
The Clown Conglomerate used to be all about how to be a clown, how to make children laugh and what-not, but around 14 years ago a clown by the name of Bibbles became the head of The CC. Bibbles took it upon himself to begin spreading his ideology (“putting the ‘fun’ into fundamental”) about how clowns are the chosen ones. That humour is the greatest emotion that people can feel, better than love, and that seeing as clowns made people laugh, they were the most important people to walk the face of the Earth.
His ideas began to spread. Secret clown conferences were held all over the world with Bibbles addressing fellow clowns. He was looked upon to be a saviour to clowns, in a world were clowns were becoming less popular and coulrophobia was rife actions were needed.
The turning point was when Bibbles addressed a gathering of 3,000 clowns, which were made up of clowns from all over the world that headed up their countries particular sector of The Clown Conglomerate. He made a Hitler-esque speech that would go down as the major turning point for clowns all over the world. He ended it; “So people are coulrophobic! So people are scared of clowns? They’re scared of the chosen ones? Well we’ll give them something to be scared of ... laughing so hard they’ll piss their pants in public!”
From that moment on clowns across the globe started developing terrorist plans to launch on the innocent public. These would be none violent attacks, instead they were “attacks of laughter” (said Bibbles). The idea was to somehow remind the people of the world that clowns are funny. Clowns in Sri Lanka developed a belt that was packed with light explosives and bombs of confetti, the idea was that clowns would wear these belts on busy buses or busy trains and then at some stage in the journey stand up and set the belt off, which would cause masses of confetti to explode from the belt all over the people on the bus/train. They called this belt the ‘Bibbles Belt’, after their ‘great’ leader.
For months The CC worked on plans that would take place on a certain day, a day that they believed would go down in history as the funniest day ever.
With plans finalised the date was set, but before everything went down there had to be a test run.
The test run took place at a British airport. 20 clowns were involved. From what I have learned it went down like this;
At around 10.25 am a mini pulled up in the drop off area of the airport. As soon as it stopped one clown jumped out, followed by another, then another, then another. The fourth clown to jump out had some technical difficulties with his ‘Bibbles Belt’, and it went off prematurely sending confetti into the air, the explosion caused Airport Police to rush to the scene. By the time the 7th clown was out of the car the Airport Police had opened fire. Bullets tore through the clowns leaving remnants of baggy clothes and brightly coloured wigs all over the place. One witness, who was willing to talk, told me it was a “massacre”. The clowns kept pouring out of the car and the police kept shooting. By the end of it 19 clowns were dead and one was in critical condition.
The government decided to act fast and cover-up what had taken place by cleaning up the area and taking any witnesses into confident.
The CC quickly abandoned their plans for ‘the funniest day ever’ and key players such as Bibbles went into hiding.
To this day nobody knew outside of The CC and the government knew the details of this, and I feel I’m putting my own life at risk sharing it, but from what I have gathered (which in my opinion is just the tip of the iceberg) there’s much more to what really happened with The CC and what they were really planning.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Young, Dumb & filled with Cum
Young, single mums! Aren’t they great ... no, of course they’re not.
By young mums I mean any girls (yes, girls) aged between 8 and 20. If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately (which may have been hard seeing as the leading newspaper available on the internet; The British Standard, is down) you may have noticed that Britain is more populated than ever because there are more kids ... having kids.
Now, let me just point out I’m still sitting on the fence about this whole “have children to carry on human existence” thing, to be honest it’s not looking to bright for civilisation so in order to save ourselves we may have to stop reproducing and die out altogether ... but this is a tricky subject and I’m getting off topic.
I’m still in shock over the number of young girls that are having babies, but if you’re stupid enough to fall for “I’ll pull out”, you deserve what you get. But what gets on my nerves a little more is the way that they act once the little ‘bundle of joy comes along’. I’ve heard young mums say idiotic things such as:
“Having a baby taught me how to be independent.”
No it fucking didn’t. Getting kicked out of your house by your parents for getting pregnant at 17 meant that you had to learn how to be independent. Having your baby’s daddy leave you because he’s now a baby’s daddy, made you independent. If you depend on benefits you’re not independent ... the clue’s in the fucking word!
I had a friend on heroin, his parents found out and they kicked him out. He doesn’t claim that heroin made him be independent. And in no way am I saying that being addicted to heroin is anything like bringing a child into the world. Heroin brings you a high and will eventually ruin your life, whereas having a baby simply ruins your life.
I’m independent. I got my independence from ... Education (coincidentally something that young mother’s lack)! I didn’t have to push out a bastard child at any point. I only have my own mouth to feed. I get to do what I want, when I want (money permitting).
“Having a child is the most wonderful thing anyone can do.”
Are you sure? I wouldn’t trust you’re opinion to be quite honest, because your life is pretty much over already. There are lots of things that you can’t do now, so how can you truly be a judge on what the most wonderful thing anyone else can do is?
“I wouldn’t trade him/her for the world.”
Stop lying! If I was in your position I’d trade the baby for a bigger house, an income (a real one, not benefits) and a better looking baby.
“I don’t need a man to help me raise MY baby.”
Seeing as most boys that get these girls into this predicament bail out of the relationship (if there was one to start with) like it was the fucking Titanic going down, the girls often get left on their own to bring up the kid, which to be perfectly honest I don’t agree with (seeing as the way this blog is going I thought I’d say one sincere thing). But this mentality of ‘I don’t need a man’ needs to stop. It’s commonsense that two heads are better than one empty head, even if the other head is empty. Plus it’s just a fucking lie, because as soon as a young mum finds someone to babysit they go out on the town throwing themselves at any man that walks passed.
And I seriously question the mothering skills of some of these girls. I have a lot of ‘friends’ on Facebook, that have kids, and by friends I mean people that went to the same school as me, never spoke to me but added me anyway. And these girls have their deformed offspring in their profile pictures like the baby is some kind of fucking fashion accessory. Plus, when ever I log onto Facebook, there’s always one of these girls that’s just updated her status to something like; “Ahhh, [Insert Baby’s Name Here] as jst spit up all ova da place. [s]he iz sooooooo cute. Lv u babez”, and I’m thinking; “Well what the fuck are you doing telling the world, you dumb bitch! Clean it fucking up! Look after you’re fucking child before I call Social Services! You Whore!!” It’s funny to think it but when you post that as a comment on their status ... they get a little pissed off.
Now, I don’t want to come across as some archaic individual, but I do believe the typical family structure is important; father, mother, child[ren], a dog/cat/[some form of pet] and a mistress (for the husband). It’s worked in the past, it can work again.
By young mums I mean any girls (yes, girls) aged between 8 and 20. If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately (which may have been hard seeing as the leading newspaper available on the internet; The British Standard, is down) you may have noticed that Britain is more populated than ever because there are more kids ... having kids.
Now, let me just point out I’m still sitting on the fence about this whole “have children to carry on human existence” thing, to be honest it’s not looking to bright for civilisation so in order to save ourselves we may have to stop reproducing and die out altogether ... but this is a tricky subject and I’m getting off topic.
I’m still in shock over the number of young girls that are having babies, but if you’re stupid enough to fall for “I’ll pull out”, you deserve what you get. But what gets on my nerves a little more is the way that they act once the little ‘bundle of joy comes along’. I’ve heard young mums say idiotic things such as:
“Having a baby taught me how to be independent.”
No it fucking didn’t. Getting kicked out of your house by your parents for getting pregnant at 17 meant that you had to learn how to be independent. Having your baby’s daddy leave you because he’s now a baby’s daddy, made you independent. If you depend on benefits you’re not independent ... the clue’s in the fucking word!
I had a friend on heroin, his parents found out and they kicked him out. He doesn’t claim that heroin made him be independent. And in no way am I saying that being addicted to heroin is anything like bringing a child into the world. Heroin brings you a high and will eventually ruin your life, whereas having a baby simply ruins your life.
I’m independent. I got my independence from ... Education (coincidentally something that young mother’s lack)! I didn’t have to push out a bastard child at any point. I only have my own mouth to feed. I get to do what I want, when I want (money permitting).
“Having a child is the most wonderful thing anyone can do.”
Are you sure? I wouldn’t trust you’re opinion to be quite honest, because your life is pretty much over already. There are lots of things that you can’t do now, so how can you truly be a judge on what the most wonderful thing anyone else can do is?
“I wouldn’t trade him/her for the world.”
Stop lying! If I was in your position I’d trade the baby for a bigger house, an income (a real one, not benefits) and a better looking baby.
“I don’t need a man to help me raise MY baby.”
Seeing as most boys that get these girls into this predicament bail out of the relationship (if there was one to start with) like it was the fucking Titanic going down, the girls often get left on their own to bring up the kid, which to be perfectly honest I don’t agree with (seeing as the way this blog is going I thought I’d say one sincere thing). But this mentality of ‘I don’t need a man’ needs to stop. It’s commonsense that two heads are better than one empty head, even if the other head is empty. Plus it’s just a fucking lie, because as soon as a young mum finds someone to babysit they go out on the town throwing themselves at any man that walks passed.
And I seriously question the mothering skills of some of these girls. I have a lot of ‘friends’ on Facebook, that have kids, and by friends I mean people that went to the same school as me, never spoke to me but added me anyway. And these girls have their deformed offspring in their profile pictures like the baby is some kind of fucking fashion accessory. Plus, when ever I log onto Facebook, there’s always one of these girls that’s just updated her status to something like; “Ahhh, [Insert Baby’s Name Here] as jst spit up all ova da place. [s]he iz sooooooo cute. Lv u babez”, and I’m thinking; “Well what the fuck are you doing telling the world, you dumb bitch! Clean it fucking up! Look after you’re fucking child before I call Social Services! You Whore!!” It’s funny to think it but when you post that as a comment on their status ... they get a little pissed off.
Now, I don’t want to come across as some archaic individual, but I do believe the typical family structure is important; father, mother, child[ren], a dog/cat/[some form of pet] and a mistress (for the husband). It’s worked in the past, it can work again.
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