Midlands Reppin'...

When did England simply become divided into North/South? Was their some war that nobody told me about? Because it seems to me you’re either Northern or Southern. Well I’m here to state that I’m neither, I’m a Midlanderner, seeing as I come from the Midlands. I’m not Northern seeing as I don’t wear a tracksuit, my diet consists of things that haven’t all be deep-fried or covered in Brown sauce and I don’t own a flat cap. Neither am I Southerner, seeing as I’m not a pompous, little shit waiting around to inherit mummy and daddy’s money when they pop their clogs or simply put; I’m not a cunt! Although I think stereotypical views sometimes get mixed up between the North and the South, Southerners often claim the North is rough or one massive shit hole. When I was young I lived in Plymouth, about as South before your feet start getting wet, and that was no pretty sight.

The problem is I’ve been labelled both a Northerner and a Southerner, when I believe I’m neither. Strangely enough the first time I was labelled a Southerner I was in Gibraltar, and the person that labelled me one was an English person living their. I just thought; “Southerner? How can YOU label ME a Southerner, when you’ve gone so far south you fell of the island? You Northern twat! Plus you’re now the furthest south you can be in this country, in fact you’re almost in Africa!”

You see, in my eyes the Midlands gets no respect! We have culture, history and all that good shit, plus we don’t have these negative stereotypes they get lost on their way coming up from the South or down from the North. We’re not Northern monkeys or Southern fairies, we’re something in-between … human!

One aspect I do have that some may say is Northern is that I drop “to the” sometimes when I speak and replace it with “t’”, example; “I’m going to the pub” becomes “I’m going t’ pub”. But that’s not bad grammar, that’s quality time saving when speaking! I’m fucking genius.

And in the Midlands we have everything that the North and South have; Legacy = Robin Hood; he wasn’t shooting arrows at motherfuckers in Leeds or London, he was in Nottingham. Gangsters = Colin Gunn; [edited out of final post due to personal fear]*. We even have a bloody airport… not that you’d ever want to leave, of course, seeing as it’s so great. My hometown has the largest sundial in Europe! It’s bloody brilliant, and everyone in the town gathers around it for those two days in the summer when we have some sun, to gaze at its time telling abilities! Yeah, up north there’s that angel thing, but it can’t tell you the time, can it? And down south there’s Big Ben and technically that can’t tell you the time either, apart from on the hour (Big Ben is actually the bell, not the clock, I do believe; correct me if I’m wrong). So what, London has the Houses of Parliament, unlucky for them, because that simply means there’s more MPs around! And the Queen lives there! Big deal, there’s a Brian Clough statue in Nottingham! How many football teams has the Queen lead to the European Cup Final (when football was played by honest men, before it got saturated with whiney, rich fucks that spend more time on diving convincingly and debate practice for arguing with the referee)? So what, Liverpool got named Cultural Capital, if you class culture as hotwiring cars and telling people to “calm down, clam down” [you have to say it in a Scouse accent, by the way], you can shove you’re culture up your arse. Newcastle? Middlesbrough? Insignificant! I’d poke fun at them but they’re so irrelevant, it’s pointless like beating up a retarded child … or a Geordie as they’re sometimes called!

So, I’m neither a Southerner nor a Northerner. Thanks for your time; you Northern Monkey/Southern Fairy [delete which ever one doesn’t describe you].

*Which simply proves how hard he is!

MSN; Mocking Stupid Noobs

I was recently stupid enough to accept someone I didn’t know on MSN, this is the transcript of our conversation;

Ida: hi
...[Ben]...: Who the fuck are you?
Ida: hi
Ida: how are you today?
...[Ben]...: Not great, I’ve just found out that a priceless family heirloom is actually worthless as it’s made out of cheese not gold, so I’m pretty torn up at the minute. In fact I think I might commit suicide.
Ida: my name is kaylee I’m doing great today I’m 21 yrs old how old are you?
...[Ben]...: Hold on ... “kaylee”, why is your MSN name Ida? How the fuck do you get “Ida” from “kaylee”? And I don’t believe I asked you how you were doing; I believe I was complaining about my priceless family heirloom. And why aren’t you asking me my name? I know my MSN name is “...[Ben]...” but using your logic of picking MSN names, my real name might be “Patrick” or “Osama”! And why do want to know my age? Is this the fucking Spanish inquisition?
Ida: listen hun, I am about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!
...[Ben]...: Hey bitch! Answer my questions! We’re not even chatting now, you’re just talking at me! We’re not married you know, this isn’t a relationship; you can’t just talk at me! WTF!?!?! You want me to get naked, I’m all for the empowerment of women, but that’s a bit forward isn’t it? At least take me out first!
Ida: I can show u how to watch for free if u promise not to tell anyone else how to do it??? PLEASE:-$
...[Ben]...: ... erm ... by turning on your webcam on MSN?
Ida: well since its free the law that u gotta be 18 (nudity involved), u have to sign up with a credit card for age verification! BUT .. Once you are inside, just clikc on “Webcams” let me know what name you use to sign in with so I know it is you babe [website] fill out the bottom of the page then fill out the next page as well and u can see me live for free!
...[Ben]...: Look, I just suggested that you turn your webcam on while ur on MSN, that way I can view for free, but you completely ignored me. I’m starting to wonder if you want me to jerk off to you. Look I understand that you haven’t been granted with much intelligence, seeing as you’re selling yourself online like some cyber prostitute and you also spelled ‘click’ incorrectly. And how exactly does a credit card prove I’m old enough? What if I stole my dad’s? What if I wasn’t hold enough, what if I was only 9? What if you were a man saying these sorts of things to a 9 year old girl, you’d be locked up you fucking perv!
Ida: Please dont mention anything about that in the chatroom once u get in ok? :-$
...[Ben]...: Fuck you bitch, I’m telling the world.
Ida: OH SHIT .. k I am late to start my show, I gotta get off msn ... I will see ya inside my chatroom babe .. remember not to mention that I am upgrading u for free... You can use your msn name to sign in so I know it is you ..
...[Ben]...: Look kaylee/Ida, your parents must be ashamed of you. Selling yourself to randomers on MSN, they probably had high hopes for you. Now look at you, begging strangers to watch you strip for free no less. Yes, sex sells, but not if you’re giving it away for free. You dirty little hoe bag!
Ida: AUTO-RESPONSE: hey just in the middle of my free webcam show if you want to watch click the link [website]
...[Ben]...: No thanks, I’ve got 20GB of Lily Thai on my PC, so I’m fine.
Ida: AUTO-RESPONSE: hey just in the middle of my free webcam show if you want to watch click the link [website]

Not Nice To Meet Me

I was recently approached by a new acquaintance of mine, who admitted to me that when he first met me he didn’t like me. This took place at a party, which was attended by some of my closest friends. When he said that, my initial reaction was; “OK, that’s cool.” But then all of a sudden some of my best friends started nodding in agreement. My first reaction was one that most people would more than likely take; “Fuck the lot of you. Cunts!” Of course I didn’t say this out loud, no need to cause a scene. But I was certainly thinking it at an increased volume, much louder than the usual thoughts I hear in my head; “Drink”, “Keep drinking” and “Don’t strangle anyone ... yet”. In fact “Fuck the lot of you. Cunts” was even able to drown out those voices, which bought what could only be described as a small moment of clarity for me. But clarity aside, the comments made by my acquaintance and friends did hurt my feelings.

This has stuck with me since then and now I’m having a self-renewal of myself and my actions. Which is fucking depressing. I beg of you, never embark on such a thing. Self-analysis is for heroin addicts in rehab and rich Hollywood stars that can afford an expensive psychiatrist. Simply put; it’s not for us ‘normal folk’.

It’s so hard to delve into what I could possibly do that could make it so people don’t like me when first encountering me. So I begin to pay close attention of how I act around new people. One thing I quickly picked up on was when I meet new people I ask them a simple question; “Would you rather be a Jew or a Muslim?” And while most people go with Jew (almost everyone so far); I have my next question prepared; “Is it because all Jews are rich?”/“Is it because all Muslims are terrorists?” Yes, these are stereotypes, and no I don’t believe they are true (apart from the Jewish one). But I’ve began to realise that putting someone in the middle of a heated debate like this might not be the best way of making friends. Especially since I continue to belittle them in front of everyone surrounding and I’m usually meeting people for the first time at parties or pubs. And it turns out people don’t go to the pub to be grilled by someone they’ve just met about the religion and whether or not the (illegal) occupation of Palestine is a good or bad thing (Yeah – it was news to me too, turns out people go to pubs to drink).

Which brings me nicely on to my second subject of self-analysis; drinking. I fucking love to drink. Love it. If I could have sex with drinking, I would, that’s how much I love drinking. I love drinking more than I love my family, my friends, my girlfriend, my other girlfriend, my collection of Clipper lighters and anything else I own. And while my Alcoholic’s Anonymous team leader believes that I should stop (I just think she’s wrong and a G&T would soon change her mind) because “drink will eventually ruin my life”. You see, like I previously stated I usually meet new people at parties and the pub and 11 times out of ten, I’ll be pissed. Not just merry, I mean fucking wasted. I’ve met friends of friends over 30 times on different occasions and some of them have yet to see me sober (hey, but so have some of my lecturers). Often people don’t recognise me when I’m sober (which usually turns out to be a good thing). Of course, although I don’t like to admit it, I am at the end of the day only human. So drink has the same affect on me that it does on everyone else; it makes me fucking hilarious. Honestly, I’m quick-witted when sober, but after a drink I’m even quicker. Although when I’m sober I have a self-censor working in my brain, which makes me not bring up certain subjects or bypass quick-witted responses to what someone else has said. But after a sufficient amount of alcohol it’s all fair game; “How far do you think you could throw a foetus in a plastic bag?” Calling girls I’ve just met “bitches”. I just can’t seem to stop. To be fair, I’m surprised I don’t get hit more often.

So, that’s all I can come up with for reasons why people don’t like me when first meeting me. Which, seems a little strange to me, but asking someone a simple question and/or being drunk seem like minor problems, not enough to dislike someone form the get go. Maybe there’s some other aspect of my personality that I’m missing, maybe in my self-analysis I’ve completely bypassed that one major floor that makes newly met people not accept me straight away. Or maybe people are just fucking stupid. Because in the end, they like me. So maybe it’s them that have the problem, not me. Yeah, that sounds about right actually, it’s them not me. They should be grateful that someone such as myself would even let them be introduced to me in the first place. I know I’m not perfect, but still I’m much better than 90% of the oxygen-wasting human beings cluttering up the world.

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