Midlands Reppin'...

When did England simply become divided into North/South? Was their some war that nobody told me about? Because it seems to me you’re either Northern or Southern. Well I’m here to state that I’m neither, I’m a Midlanderner, seeing as I come from the Midlands. I’m not Northern seeing as I don’t wear a tracksuit, my diet consists of things that haven’t all be deep-fried or covered in Brown sauce and I don’t own a flat cap. Neither am I Southerner, seeing as I’m not a pompous, little shit waiting around to inherit mummy and daddy’s money when they pop their clogs or simply put; I’m not a cunt! Although I think stereotypical views sometimes get mixed up between the North and the South, Southerners often claim the North is rough or one massive shit hole. When I was young I lived in Plymouth, about as South before your feet start getting wet, and that was no pretty sight.

The problem is I’ve been labelled both a Northerner and a Southerner, when I believe I’m neither. Strangely enough the first time I was labelled a Southerner I was in Gibraltar, and the person that labelled me one was an English person living their. I just thought; “Southerner? How can YOU label ME a Southerner, when you’ve gone so far south you fell of the island? You Northern twat! Plus you’re now the furthest south you can be in this country, in fact you’re almost in Africa!”

You see, in my eyes the Midlands gets no respect! We have culture, history and all that good shit, plus we don’t have these negative stereotypes they get lost on their way coming up from the South or down from the North. We’re not Northern monkeys or Southern fairies, we’re something in-between … human!

One aspect I do have that some may say is Northern is that I drop “to the” sometimes when I speak and replace it with “t’”, example; “I’m going to the pub” becomes “I’m going t’ pub”. But that’s not bad grammar, that’s quality time saving when speaking! I’m fucking genius.

And in the Midlands we have everything that the North and South have; Legacy = Robin Hood; he wasn’t shooting arrows at motherfuckers in Leeds or London, he was in Nottingham. Gangsters = Colin Gunn; [edited out of final post due to personal fear]*. We even have a bloody airport… not that you’d ever want to leave, of course, seeing as it’s so great. My hometown has the largest sundial in Europe! It’s bloody brilliant, and everyone in the town gathers around it for those two days in the summer when we have some sun, to gaze at its time telling abilities! Yeah, up north there’s that angel thing, but it can’t tell you the time, can it? And down south there’s Big Ben and technically that can’t tell you the time either, apart from on the hour (Big Ben is actually the bell, not the clock, I do believe; correct me if I’m wrong). So what, London has the Houses of Parliament, unlucky for them, because that simply means there’s more MPs around! And the Queen lives there! Big deal, there’s a Brian Clough statue in Nottingham! How many football teams has the Queen lead to the European Cup Final (when football was played by honest men, before it got saturated with whiney, rich fucks that spend more time on diving convincingly and debate practice for arguing with the referee)? So what, Liverpool got named Cultural Capital, if you class culture as hotwiring cars and telling people to “calm down, clam down” [you have to say it in a Scouse accent, by the way], you can shove you’re culture up your arse. Newcastle? Middlesbrough? Insignificant! I’d poke fun at them but they’re so irrelevant, it’s pointless like beating up a retarded child … or a Geordie as they’re sometimes called!

So, I’m neither a Southerner nor a Northerner. Thanks for your time; you Northern Monkey/Southern Fairy [delete which ever one doesn’t describe you].

*Which simply proves how hard he is!