The Girl with Terrible Taste

I once went out with this girl; for the purpose of this story I will call her Donna. Now Donna’s expert subject was Donna. One of the reasons we broke up was that she claimed I never spoke to her, but it was near impossible to get a word in edgeways because the bitch would not shut the fuck up for five seconds. But the main reason we broke up was because the way she made me feel about myself, let me explain.

Donna had a list of ex-boyfriends longer than the river Nile. And she loved to talk about them constantly. It was never a way of putting me down. As she said herself “You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had”. But that was not much of an achievement. Basically everyone that had come before me had treated her like shit or been a complete cunt (her words not mine).

Here’s a list of some of Donna’s ex-boyfriends. And what she said about them, of course I don’t know if any of this is true. It’s all allegeable. Although I’ve changed the name of Donna, all these names are true; these guys need to be known to the world.

Brian – Donna dated him for seven months. According to her, he was a heavy drinker. Apparently he would wake up in the morning and start drinking. He was jobless and claimed dole. Personally, he sounds like an excellent drinking partner. But Donna was looking for a boyfriend. They broke up after he was so drunk he threw up on Donna’s mum. It ruined the family Christmas dinner according to Donna.

Darren – Donna was with Darren for only three and a half weeks. She never liked him too much because he could never remember her name. Also he had a bad habit of tasteless pranks, one being taking a shit in the cistern of her toilet, (the part which holds the water that flushes). So when you flush your toilet parts of Darren’s shit comes out to flush away your business. Personally, I think this is pure genius. I’ve adopted this prank, and used it in public toilets and at random house parties.

Jimmy – Donna dumped Jimmy because he slept with her cousin and her step-mum (sadly not at the same time). In Donna’s book Jimmy is a bastard but to me he’s a fucking legend.

Omar – Donna met Omar on the internet via MySpace. Basically he stalked her online until she gave in. It turned out Omar was really a 62 year old lady. Donna met ‘Omar’ once for a drink and discovered this. I asked what happened when she saw ‘Omar’ but she didn’t want to go into it. What a fucking dyke!

But this raised a few thoughts in my head. Stevie Wonder could see that Donna had the worst taste in men ever. But the problem was that if she had terrible taste in men, what was she doing with me? I always saw myself as a good guy until I met Donna. She had terrible taste, and she was with me, therefore I’m clearly not a great catch.

My relationship with Donna sent me on a down spiral of self-evaluation. In the end we had to break up. When one is self-evaluating themselves life becomes very depressing, you start to think that your charming qualities are more like annoying features. For example I thought the fact I never flushed the toilet to save on water was a good attribute, I care about the environment, but when delivering into the matter it could come across of quite a disgusting habit. Also saving things that reminded me of mine and Donna’s relationship such as movie stubs of films we had seen together, love letters (all two of them) and used condoms was not pleasant, it was almost stalker-ish.

In the end I knew what I had to do. Break up with Donna. Although she had made me feel shit about myself, I wanted to break up with her to show her there is still chance for her to be happy in the future after so many bad relationships. So I devised a plan. I would take Donna out for dinner and (if I could get a chance to talk) explain to her that we should no longer be together.

So we went to a quite-posh restaurant, sat down and ordered our food. I had a Big Mac meal, she had some Chicken McNuggets. Like usual she was talking my ear off. I just laid in wait like a lioness in the tall grass of Africa, as soon as she stopped talking I would pounce. My time came when she shoved three McNuggets into her mouth. I started to explain; “Donna, I have something to say,” she looked at me bemused, “I really think you’re a great girl, but I think we should call it a day. I want to stay friends, but I need to be single at the moment”. Of course this was all a lie. It was all her fault; she made me hate myself, what a bitch. But you have to be nice to somewhere this disturbed. I continued to explain how I needed to be single for some time, but the more I talked the more wounded Donna looked. She was starting to tear up and choke. She was taking it really hard, I thought. Maybe this girl really loves me.

As it turns out, she didn’t love me at all. She had choked on her McNuggets. There was a bone in one of them. After her death her mother won a couple of millions in a lawsuit. I had to turn up to the funeral because everyone thought I was still her boyfriend. It was really easy to look depressed, because all I did was think about how she had made me feel over the time we had been together.