What has Frenchie taught me?

I can remember what I was like before I met Adam French. I was a A-grade, choir boy with my career heading towards politics, I was in The Times' most likely to be Prime Minister list in the next 25 years. Adam French cahnged all that for me, he chewed me up and spat me out as a skinny crackhead, heading for a early death due to an overdose or in Prison, as someone bitch!! Thanks Frenchie.

What Frenchie taught me:

- Having gay sex, DOES NOT mean you are a gay/homo/faggot. Straight people can have gay sex too.

- No drugs is really illegal, they're just not taxed, which is why the Government does not allow the use of them.

- You are allowed to have sex with under-age girls if you are drunk. But it is done on a mesaurement, for every pint you have the girl can get one year younger, for example, if I drink two pints I'm allowed to sleep with a girl aged 14. If I drink six pints, I'm allowed to sleep with a girl aged 10, not that I ever would, I get brewers droop after five pints!

- If your last name is a nationality that does not mean you are that nationality, for example Adam French is not French, he's German - I think.

- Avoid soberness at all costs, Adam French likes to brag that he has only got high once. The thing is; he got high for the first time six years ago, but he has yet to come down. His first time getting high was a six year drug binge inwhich he took whatever he could.

- Avoid washing. This is time wasted, you could be taking drugs or having gay sex instead of washing. As Frenchie said himself; "We live in er.... England, man. Like ... and like it rains like most Mondays and sometimes on Wednesday too, man. So just wait for the rain and get rained on, and that'll keep you clean". Wise words indeed.

Frenchie may have taught me alot more, but I've probably just forgot his wise ways.

A day in the life of Jeremy Kyle

9.00am - Woke up. Got dressed and washed.

9.30am - Ate my breakfast at the laptop while playing on www.888.com, lost £3,000.

10.00am - Neglected my children to go to work to shout at dole-collecting, working-class scum who neglect their children.

12.00am - Skipped lunch for Ladbrokes, lost £1,500 on the horses.

2.00pm - Returned home to find my brother waiting for me, wanting to borrow so more money. Had a DNA test on him again to make sure he's my brother. William bought me the restults, turns out the results were inconclusive because of the large amount of coke and herion in 'my brother's' system. Gave in and just gave him £200.

3.00pm - Had an arguement with the wife. She thinks I've been spending too much money recently. Graham came over with the aftercare team to discuss our problems.

3.07pm - Bitch slapped my wife in the face.

3.08pm - Bitch slapped Graham in the face.

3.10pm - Got beat up by Graham, until Security broke it up.

3.45pm - Returned to Ladbrokes, won on the horses; £20!

5.30pm - Returned home for something to eat. The wife's still not talking to me.

6.00pm - Watched some old videoes of 'The Jeremy Kyle Show', God damn it; I'm GOOD!

8.00pm - Saw 'The Jerry Sprinder Show', while channel surfing. I wish I could get some guests as crazy as he did.

8.37pm - Depressed, I slumped in front of my laptop, to gamble away my house.

10.00pm - Didn't lose my house, instead I won £45,000! So ending the day on a high note I sent another hate email to Trisha, telling her what a bitch she is. Signed it Kyle Jeremy (clever - hey?). Decided to go to bed.

10.23pm - Couldn't sleep, sent another email to Trisha, this time signed it from myself, but made it nice. Told her if she ever wants to talk about her cancer, she's more then welcome to come on my show, which is watched by two million people, to discuss it. I can sleep now, back to bed (well - back to the sofa in the living room - wife's still pissed, that's the last time I marry someone that was a contest winner to get married to an other stranger on a radio station that I was a DJ on!).

The Pro-Green Dealer

In a society that is slowly becoming more and more obsessed with recycling, buying organic and supporting Fairtrade products, one man has dared to step up and make himself noticeable. That one man is my dealer; Jeff.

Jeff is the UK’s first (and probably the world’s first) Pro-Green drug dealer. Jeff saw a gap in the market and has ceased total control over many other dealers after users have wanted to make a difference by buying his products. Jeff’s income has increased by over 600% because of the recent changes he has made to his business. Customers are shopping each week at their local supermarkets buying organic food and Fairtrade products, so they can feel like they’ve made a difference, so why wouldn’t they want to do the same with their drugs?

Jeff started out selling organic weed, which was grown totally naturally, no pesticides are used and it’s all by natural light, not stuck in someone’s cupboard grown by a lamp. The weed great and gave an amazing high. Anyone that has tried it has recommended it to a friend, and I highly recommend it to you (email me for Jeff’s contact details).

From the weed Jeff branched out into coke. Now this was new to Jeff, but he managed to get contacts of someone in Cuba that was producing Fairtrade cocaine. This coke is made fairly and no-one making it is beaten, killed or any of that nasty shit that goes off in that shit-hole which we call Cuba. Now, I’ve never tried this coke, the only thing that goes up my nose is my right index finger, but I have been told it is incredible. So if lines are what you like, get some from Jeff.

Since then Jeff has been thinking of extending his business further. But he’s not willing to share any details with me, because (and I quote) I’ll “just write about it in my shitty blog”.

One last thing; about recycling. Jeff gives you extra weed or coke if you bring your own baggy, instead of using his.